Do you avoid difficult conversations? There is no need to avoid them if you focus on the constructive possibilities. Start by asking yourself these 9 critical questions.

1. managing
difficult
conversations
9 questions to ask yourself
barbara greene
logos consulting group

2. first:
a disclaimer

3. what we’re
talking
about today
isn’t based
on this book

4. i’ve heard it’s good, but i
haven’t read it

5. okay, let’s go!

6. consider these 3 images

8. · · ·
· · ·
· · ·

10. what do they
have to do with
difficult
conversations?
what do they
have to do with
you?

11. back to the 3 images

12. let’s start in the
middle

13. · · ·
are you familiar
with this brain · · ·
teaser?
· · ·

14. so,now get out
your pencil
so, now, get out your
pencil

15. · · ·
· · ·
· · ·

16. · · ·
· · ·
· · ·

17. · · ·
· · ·
· · ·
go ahead—
copy this down

18. · · ·
· · ·
connect all 9 dots
using 4 straight lines
· · ·
and don’t lift your
pencil from the page

19. give up?
already know the answer?
this way for the answer

20. { just one of the possibilities }

21. did you try to
connect all the dots in a
square configuration?

22. free yourself
open the box

23. that puzzle was
originally given
to engineers to
help them think
beyond
constraints

24. it’s where that
now annoying
phrase
*think outside
the box* comes
from

25. many of us let
difficult
conversations
put us into a
box

26. a box of
conflict
a box of ugly
confrontation

27. many people want to
avoid a conflict or
confrontation

28. conflict and confrontation
don’t have to be ugly

29. yes, difficult conversations can
involve bloody bits of gladiation
conflict and
confrontation
don’t have to
be ugly

30. or it can can be a form of
Or they be ritualized playfighting just like
in thefighting
play animal kingdom
just like in the
animal kingdom

31. difficult conversations
Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like
are both inevitable and
in the animal kingdom
temporary

32. Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like
in the animal kingdom
they can provide an
energizing creative force,
and no one has to feel
vanquished

33. conflict
happens
as a natural
part of life
drama may
ensue and it
may be harsh
difficult
conversations we can negotiate
through the
drama and move
on
we can learn
something

34. true dialogue requires negotiation
conflict and
confrontation
don’t have to
be ugly
not gladiation

35. so, go ahead. dive in. even if you are
dangerously close to the edge.

36. keep in mind:
opposing views
are nothing more than
dots of information
that need to be
connected

37. if you want to
connect the dots
creatively
ask yourself 9
critical questions

38. #1
what are my concerns?

39. have you written down your concerns?
how well can you articulate them?

40. #2
what can i do with the
opportunity in front of me?

42. “the quickest way to kindle a
fire is to rub two opposing
opinions together”
~ unknown

43. fire is just one possibility

44. handling explosive matters
is risky

45. you have to negotiate the delicate
divide between
danger and creativity

46. the important lesson:
beautiful results
can occur

47. #3
what am i willing to do to
make ‘it’ work?

48. ask yourself:
what would
success
look like?

49. does it mean you have to win
everything?
at all costs?

50. will winning everything
make matters worse
in the long run?

51. bridging the chasm between
opposing points of view is a
centuries-old endeavor

52. find a way to build a bridge
find a larger goal
you both share

53. meet the other person halfway

54. #4
what is my first step?

55. one suggestion:
accept that great minds think
differently

56. understand that people
process information
in different ways

57. remember this image?

59. that’s the universe of
information
trying to come into
the computer
that is your brain

60. some people need to
sort and categorize
information
before they can process it
and work toward
a solution

61. ➡ solution

62. unfortunately

63. sometimes when
the information
has been sorted and
the solution has been
put into place,
it’s difficult
for the person to undo
the process

64. then there are
other people who have
a great big spam filter
in their brains

65. they focus on
a few key points
and the rest of the data
may not even get into
their analysis
of a situation

66. ☛ solution

67. unfortunately

68. they can miss
some important details

69. the challenge is not to
dismiss either approach

70. doer thinker

71. meticulous sloppy

72. analyst visionary

73. tactical strategic

74. both approaches
are essential to
problem solving

75. #5
how can i communicate more
persuasively?

76. “in true dialogue, both sides are willing to
change.”
~ thich nhat hanh

77. clear, positive
language
accurate
perceptions
what it takes
appropriate
emotions
a forward-
looking focus

78. influence and persuasion
are the human gifts
that separate us from
the animals

79. Or it dive in, ritualized playfighting just like
can be
in the animal kingdom
dude!
connect the
dots!

80. influence comes in many forms
consider all the possibilities

81. visualthesaurus.com

82. something I learned
from living in japan:
influence requires
patience and courage

83. catch the
wave!
zen and the art of positive
persuasion

84. #6
do i have the courage to wait
before speaking?

85. be reflective
think before you speak

86. don’t be
so quick
to disagree
don’t be
so quick
Better
say “no”
listen first
Question

87. #7
do i have the courage to say
“yes, I hear you?”

88. for a true dialogue to occur,
people have to know they
have been heard. let them
know.
yes, i
hear
you

89. letting others know you
hear and understand their
positions doesn’t mean you
have to agree with them
i
understand

90. it shows you care
tell me
more. i’m
listening

91. caring enough to find out
about the other person’s
position helps to build a
bridge
hang on
while I get
the
engineers

92. #8
do i have the courage to
innovate rather than regulate?

93. sometimes there’s more
than one correct answer

95. leave the commands
behind
offer people

96. options recommendations
proposals a portfolio of ideas

97. the goal is to land safely.
it takes a team.

98. #9
do i have the courage to
match my actions to my
words?

99. “any momentary triumph
you think you have gained
through argument is really
a pyrrhic victory.
“the resentment and ill-will
you stir up is stronger and
lasts longer than any
demonstrate, momentary change of
opinion.
don’t explicate “it is much more powerful
to get people to agree
through your actions,
without saying a word.”
law 9, the 48 laws of
power
robert greene

100. conflict and
confrontation
don’t have to
stop.the.madness.
be ugly

101. asking the
critical questions
is just the
beginning
managing
conflict and
confrontation
is a process
next steps
strive for mastery
through
continuous
negotiation
experience
brings insight
and refinement

102. smooth seas do not
make skillful sailors
~ african proverb

103. before you go…

104. recommended reading

105. recommended reading

106. recommended reading

107. thank you
{let me know what you think}
barbara greene
communications consultant
executive coach
lecturer
bgreene@logosconsulting.net
© barbara greene 2010 212.268.4791

108. picture credits
“Dive” by
Dive” Gladiator Games “Tigers Play-
MertzFerdler/flickr © Colosseum fighting” by
fighting”
www.colosseum.net
www.colosseum.net Michael Nichols
© National
Geographic
Watch this “Traffic Light
(Long
space for
Exposure)”
Exposure)”
proper credit
by Roo
“Road to
Reynolds/Flickr Nowhere” by
Nowhere”
Maldivian
Dude/flickr
“Close-up of the Photo of art
Thinker”
Thinker” installation: “Walking
By Brian Men 99” by artist
99”
Hillegas Maya Barkai