1. 1

2. The types of couples were clustered in four groups:
1. Vitalized, the happiest and most desirable state
2. 2. Harmonious, they lived in relative harmony
3. Conventional: they fit together like wearing an old shoe! But they are not living
life to the fullest.
4. Conflicted. Stormy relationship, but not devoid of happiness. Would benefit from
outside help.
5. Devitalized: These were troubled couples that will soon crash and burn if they
don’t find help soon.
6. They were scored on eight important areas of skills for building healthy marriages.
Note how the conflicted couples do quite well on role sharing: i.e.: He does the
dishes & she mows the lawn.
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3. 1. Vitalized
Many very high scores.
Very high couple agreement and happiness with most aspects of their marriage.
Strong "internal" dynamics (e.g., communication, financial management, and shared
spirituality).
Strong "external" dynamics (e.g., family, friends, and relationship roles).
Not slipping into complacency.
Not taking each other for granted.
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4. 2. Harmonious
Many High scores
STRENGTHS
High couple agreement and happiness with many aspects of the marriage
Strong "internal dynamics" related to shared leisure time, communication, and
sexuality.
KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONS
High scores provide a solid base from which to grow, but you need to be proactive.
Parenting (not shown in the graphs, but included in your Checkup Report) likely needs
improved cooperation, agreement, and follow-through. In stepfamilies, stress in
parenting can be detrimental to your marriage.
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5. 3. Conventional
STRENGTHS
Moderate scores across most areas.
Strong aspects include role definitions and spiritual convictions.
KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONS
Critical "internal" skills like communication and conflict resolution need attention.
Emotional closeness and intimacy may be lacking.
Give more attention to the couple relationship and a little less to children, friends,
and extended family.
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6. 4. Conflicted
STRENGTHS
Strongest areas are roles and spirituality.
KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONS
Because "internal" skills like communication and conflict resolution are lacking,
cooperation, closeness, and handling clashes in personality will be difficult. Attention
must be given to key areas like communication and conflict.
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7. 5. Devitalized
STRENGTHS
Mainly growth areas.
Few couple strengths exist.
Any existing moderate strengths should be improved first.
KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONS
Focus on any positive behaviors of your partner and praise them. Take time to talk
and try to resolve current issues.
If no improvement, seek marital therapy.
Couple therapy intensives can be found at www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com.
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8. Couple therapy intensives can be found at www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com
the most visited and largest web site for Christian stepfamilies in the world. Here
you will find hundreds of FREE articles, inspiring stories of hope, conference
information, and practical resources providing strength for your journey and answers
to your questions.
Created by author, therapist, and stepfamily expert Ron L. Deal, this site provides
resources for single parents, dating couples with kids, stepfamilies, and the churches
who serve them.
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9. Getting Close:
The doing and feeling of closeness
Vibrant Couples:
. Feel confidence and trust in each other and feel secure with each other.
. Include each other in important decisions.
. Share leadership within their relationship.
. Have a mutual respect for each other.
. Have similar likes and interests.
. Are committed to spending time together on a regular basis and intentionally plan ways to be
together.
. Feel the freedom to ask each other for help.
. Choose to be loyal to each other.
. Balance time with family and friends so as not to take away from their relationship.
Closeness also involves balance. Every healthy relationship has a balance of time spent together and
time apart. Couples have both a desire to be together (spending time together is a priority) and a
respect for the individual interests, pursuits, and freedoms of their partner. In strong relationships,
individuals place emphasis on the "self' as well as the "we."
They strive for an appropriate amount of sharing, loyalty, intimacy, and independence. This dance of
intimacy is not easily achieved. It demands attention and good communication since couples naturally
have times in their relationship when they spend more time together and generate many close
feelings, and other seasons of the relationship that demand more personal space. Taken together,
these natural rhythms of marriage combine to create a "balanced" relationship, but couples should
always guard against spending too much time at either extreme.
Over time, unbalanced relationships overemphasize either the distance in the relationship
(disconnected) or the need for closeness and mutual dependency (overly connected).lt is these
extremes that couples need to guard against. Each extreme has an emotionally debilitating impact on
relationships. Too much distance and one or both partners feel excluded, vulnerable, expendable, or
lonely. Too much closeness and someone (or both) feels smothered, disrespected, or controlled.
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10. From Page 75
For many then, becoming more flexible in their relationship equals an increase in
emotional risk. If you find yourself struggling with this fear, remember that without
relational risk, there can be no relational gain.
A stepfamily is no place for a rigid person. By nature, because of their complexity,
remarried families require multiple changes throughout life. Inflexible people-who
have rigid ideas of how family life should be-find themselves feeling worn out by the
never-ending changes that result when multiple households, parents, and differing
levels of bondedness with children collide. For example, stepmothers often report
that they had no idea how difficult it would be to have their husband's ex-wife have
so much influence over their family's schedule. "Just when I think I know what our
weekend is going to be like, he gets a phone call from his ex and everything changes. I
wish I had more control over my own life." That is a very familiar feeling for many
remarried couples. Yet, since multiple-household families have multiple forces of
influence, the ability to adapt-to take life as it comes-becomes a point of survival for
many. With multiple forces of influence, people with rigid approaches to life find
themselves constantly battling what they cannot control. But a flexible person is able
to adapt, bend as needed, and get through the change. Even better is when both
partners can adjust to change.
Our study found that in 94 percent of happy couples both partners showed a
willingness to change (compared to just 44 percent of unsatisfied couples). Managing
change is a couple's matter, not just the task of one of the partners. When both
adapt, the net result for the couple is a sense of unity as together they move around
the forces of life.
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11. Couple Flexibility: Making Life Work (Text p 73)
HAPPY COUPLES
Are creative in how they handle differences (80%) and are open to exploring new
solutions with each other.
Compromise and seek win-win solutions; they consider the other's opinions and are
open to being influenced by the other. (96%)
Work together to organize their daily life, schedule, and household. (84%)
Work as a team to make decisions; they seek unity in leading their household. (96%)
Are humble and willing to change when necessary. (94%)
UNHAPPY COUPLES
Have a rigid mentality to problem solving and get stuck. (72%)
Seek to personally win and may fear giving the other too much control. (48%)
Cannot seem to get organized. (61%)
Make most decisions independently of the other. (41 %)
Find change difficult or only one person is willing to adapt as needed. (44%)
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12. Common UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #1
The biggest (and most unpleasant) surprize in stepfamily situations
(P 89)
1. Getting married and creating a stepfamily might be stressful, but what's the
problem?
Here is the REALITY
---Dating is so comfortable – marriage is real life
---stress in step families is double that of first marriages
---Instant children add new stress
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #2
If we love each other, the children will follow close behind:
Here is the REALITY
---Some children welcome new family: some don't
---We as parents need to accept where our children are at and continue to build trust
and respect for each child.
(continued next page)
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13. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #3
If we are in love and our marriage is STRONG, children outside forces and ex-spouses
will not divide us.
Here is the REALITY
only 50% of unhappy step couple relationships felt secure in their marriage when
their spouse spent time with his or her children
conversely, 82% of High quality couple relationships were unified in feeling secure
when their partner was with his or her children. This may mean that each step parent
may have to make sacrifices on behalf of the children
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #4
Emotional resolution of Previous losses and Painful relationships means they won't
affect us in the future.
Here is the REALITY
“moving on” doesn't mean you or your mate's baggage has been left behind.
Before marriage he told me what was wrong with his first wife After the wedding, he
compared me to what she did right!
63% of step couples fear another relationship breakup
58% Don’t think both partners have worked through all the issues and hurts from the
past relationships
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14. High vs. Low Quality Step Couple Relationship factors
Feelings of:
Jealousy (fear of being replaced)
Suspicion – Having trouble believing your partner
Worry – How your mate's previous sexual experiences compares to yours
Fear – afraid of another relationship breakup.
When these feelings are present, they predict with a 93% degree of accuracy as to
our ability to have a High or Low quality Step couple relationship.
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