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3. Rediscover Fun
Brainstorm and write a list of things you both enjoy together
Choose Big thing (cruise) and small things (Cards after dinner)
Discuss which ones are easiest to implement NOW.
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4. List Leisure activities you DON'T enjoy doing together
QUALIFIER: As long as it doesn’t steal time from the marriage.
Like he likes football but not Opera? (and her vice versa?)
learn to appreciate and respect each other's wishes
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5. Implement a Time Together Policy & stick to it.
Weekly date night...time...location
Avoid talking about any problem/Issue here
Just enjoy your time together. Make it FUN!
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6. When values differ, money arguments often occur.
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7. List your values (the things you hold most dear) and compare your list with your
spouse.
Money can mean:
STATUS – Keep up with the “Joneses”
SECURITY – Conservative in spending --- focus on saving
EMPLOYMENT – Receives satisfaction from spending money on ourselves and our
family
CONTROL – maintains control over HIS/HER life and Independent from their partner
or Family members.
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8. List your values (the things you hold most dear) and compare your list with your
spouse.
Money can mean:
STATUS – Keep up with the “Joneses”
SECURITY – Conservative in spending --- focus on saving
EMPLOYMENT – Receives satisfaction from spending money on ourselves and our
family
CONTROL – maintains control over HIS/HER life and Independent from their partner
or Family members.
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9. What Money Can Buy
A house
A bed
Books
Food
Luxury
Finery
Medicine
Flattery
Companions
Amusements
Religious pride
What Money Can't Buy
A home
Sleep
Brains
An appetite
Culture
Beauty
Health
Respect
Friends
Happiness
Eternity
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11. SEXUALITY
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12. SEXUALITY
Sex was the seventh out of 10 Top Predictors of a Happy, Healthy Stepfamily
Relationship
(See slide 1?)
Sex only contributes 13% towards a high Quality Relationships Our tool Kit will be
Rather remiss if we are relying on sex to make our relationship really SIZZLE
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13. A study of 50,000 steparents revealed the Top 10 qualities of Highly satisfied
Remarriage couples:
1. Partner’s Personality
2. Healthy communication
3. Ability to resolve conflict
4. Shared couple leisure activity
5. Flexibility and adaptability
6. Financial management
7. Healthy sexuality
8. Friendships & extended family
9. Managing complexity
10. Couple closeness & emotional safety.
Health sexuality and affection within the relationship was only #7 in importance
Contrary to all the pulp fiction tabloids!
Positive couple closeness and emotional safety.
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14. Healthy Couples
Unhealthy Couples
97% agree that affection and sexuality is used fairly within the relationship.
49% disagree as to how sexuality is used in the relationship: affection is sometimes
abused.
93% agree that they are completely satisfied with the amount of affection their
partner gives them.
55% are hungry for affection from their partner.
89% agree that their level of interest in sex is about the same.
53% are concerned that their partner's level of interest is different from theirs.
95% are secure in how their partner interprets affection; they aren't afraid
misinterpretation.
38% are reluctant to be affectionate because it is often interpreted as a sexual
advance.
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15. 95% of Happy couples are secure in how their partner interprets affection;
they aren't afraid of being misinterpreted.
38% of unhappy couples are reluctant to be affectionate because it is often
interpreted as a sexual advance; the meaning of affection is unclear.
ONLY 10% of happy couples have concerns about the previous sexual experiences of
their partner.
42% of unhappy couples have concerns about how their partner's previous sexual
experiences will impact their relationship.
They are four times as likely to be concerned about this than happy couples.
93% of couples with Happy Vibrant Relationships agree that each Partner uses sex
FAIRLY – not as a tool to control or manipulate the relationship.
49% of Unhappy couples disagree how sex is used and report that their partner
sometimes uses of refuses affection UNFAIRLY
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16. Healthy couples report that :
Sex flows from Emotional Intimacy based on Honest communication, TRUST in each
other, STRONG FREINDSHIP and PASSIONATE LOVE.
Biologically, affectionate touch will increase levels of oxytocin -- the "bonding
hormone." Oxytocin is a desire-enhancing chemical secreted by the pituitary. Regular
oxytocin release may help encourage frequent lovemaking.
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17. Unhappy couples report:
Destructive conflict
Inability to resolve issues
Lack of Trust
Selfishness of either party.
All of the above contribute to an unsatisfactory sexual experience.
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18. Remarriage Sex:
Tips for Not Getting Caught in the Past
Don't make comparisons in your mind. . . or out loud! "Why can't you touch me the
way John did?" isn't going to breed confidence in your partner. Keep your
comparisons to yourself! Nor should you linger on comparisons in your own mind.
Doing so keeps you looking back instead of connecting to the moment at hand.
Stay open to new preferences. Your new spouse's sexual preferences may vary from a
previous partner's. Don't think that what. worked with a previous partner will work
again. Listen to verbal and nonverbal messages telling you your partner's preferences.
Calm your insecurities. If you were sexually rejected or traumatized in the past, be
careful not to let your insecurities or anxiety run ahead of you.
Give yourself time to develop a couple-groove. Learning how to read each other,
when to respond with a specific touch, or what your couple sexual style is will take
time. Learn as you go; share what you learn.
Confront your sexual ghosts. Don't be quick to make negative assumptions about
your partner's motivations or behavior. When fearful, try to take small risks to
increase your willingness to trust.
Don't ignore sexual problems, and don't overreact. It's normal for couples to have a
sexual complaint of some kind. Don't panic if you encounter difficulty. Talk it through
and if necessary, find a sex therapist who can help.
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20. SPIRITUALITY
Research clearly indicates that Couples Sharing similar Spiritual beliefs score
significantly Higher on
all aspects of stepfamily Life.
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21. SPIRITUALITY
Research clearly indicates that Couples Sharing similar Spiritual beliefs score
significantly Higher on all aspects of stepfamily Life.
One reason could be that a mature faith emphasizes US, OURS & WE rather than me
and mine
Rigid individualism of our Western culture is toxic to marriage family and society.
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