Conflict Styles, Overcoming Defensiveness

1. Theory and Techniques

2. Overview
Nature of Conflict
Conflict Styles
Model for Conflict Resolution
Practical Application

3. Nature of Conflict
 Can be productive
 Can lead to increased understanding when a constructive
discussion takes place
 Can lead to increased group cohesion when the team learns to
problem solve together
 Can lead to improved self-knowledge and personal development
 Can be destructive
 Conflicting goals turn into personal dislike
 Teamwork breaks down
 Talent is wasted as people disengage from their work
 Vicious downward spiral of negativity and recrimination

4. Approaches to Conflict
Try to change the other person
 Usually not very successful
Try to alter the conflict conditions
 Add resources, change the players
Change your own behavior
 Hard to do but worth the effort

5. Ability to Work with Each Other
 All staff members are valuable
 Be willing to do the little things
 Be flexible at work
 Work as a team at all times
 Must be able to admit a mistake and learn from it
 Respect all staff
 Know how to say hello/good morning
 Realize you set the tone and mood for the day

6. Avoiding Bad Habits
 Complaining – Easy and common- an initial reflex when
things don’t go our way
 Resentment – holding on to bitterness can really poison
the atmosphere. Learn how to forgive and let go.
 Worrying – Channel your fears into positive energy; Take
proactive steps and gain control over your life.
 Polarization - Us vs. Them mentality

7. Developing Good Habits
 Taking care of yourself- ie; meditation, exercise
 Trust- Having in belief in what you and others do.
 Attitude- It’s all about how you present yourself. Have a
good attitude. Attitude is a reflection of yourself.
 Having compassion
 Show a sense of humor

8. Don’t let how you feel control you…
Let you control how you feel!

9. Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument
Developed in 1974 by Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann

10. Five Conflict Styles
Competing
Accommodating
Avoiding
Compromising
Collaborating

11. I’m Right and You’re Wrong

12. Competing
Characteristics When Appropriate to use
 Win/lose approach  Quick, decisive action required
 Principled, positional  Vital issues are at stake
 Aggressive and power-oriented  Unpopular path must be taken
Negative Consequences
 People stop questioning status quo
 One viewpoint begins to dominate the conversations
 Others have limited buy-in

13. Live and Let Live

14. Accommodating
Characteristics When Appropriate to use
 Passive approach  You know you’re wrong
 Yields position & principle  Must avoid disruption
 Live and Let Live  Minimal interest in the issue
Negative Consequences
 As a shortcut through the process, important insights are withheld
 Potential for one person’s needs to be frustrated
 May lead to loss of respect and recognition

15. Whatever

16. Avoiding
Characteristics When Appropriate to use
 Avoiding the issue  More information is needed
 Whatever  Resolution is impossible
 Retreat, withdrawal  Diplomacy is necessary
 Strategic Avoidance
Negative Consequences
 Decisions are made by default and inaction
 Individual self-esteem erodes and team morale fades
 Creative inputs are unspoken

17. Meet Me Halfway

18. Compromising
Characteristics When Appropriate to use
 Each wins and loses something  Temporary settlement
 Negotiation approach  Mutually exclusive goals
 Meet me halfway  Consensus has failed
Negative Consequences
 Neither party may be completely satisfied with the result
 The solution is only short term
 Both parties may feel as if they had sold out

19. Highest Common Cause

20. Collaborating
Characteristics When Appropriate to use
 Win/win approach  Issue has high impact on all
 Cooperative, teamwork  Situation is emotional
 Highest common cause  Buy-in needs to be increased
Negative Consequences
 Requires an extensive amount of time
 Other priorities and tasks are left behind
 The process can be undermined by those unwilling to embrace

21. Conflict Style Chart
Assertive
COMPETING COLLABORATING
Argumentative Problem-Solving
ASSERTIVENESS - Self
COMPROMISING
Concessions
Unassertive
AVOIDING ACCOMMODATING
Laissez-Faire Tolerance
Uncooperative Cooperative
COOPERATIVENESS - Others
Adapted from Conflict & Conflict Management by Kenneth Thomas in the Handbook of Industrial and Organizational Psychology

22. A Model for Resolution

23. Resolution Model
Explain in Neutral Terms
Obtain Feedback
Agree on the Issue
Explore Possible Solutions
Review & Action Steps

24. Explain in NeutralTerms
 Benefit of the Doubt
 Allow room to save face
 Talk about behavior and results
 Consider the effect on others
 Keep people and problems separate
 Use “I” statements
 Never say Never – avoid absolutes

25. Obtain Feedback
Check your understanding
Paraphrase
Ask Questions

26. Steven Covey

27. Set Ground Rules
Create a safe environment
 Respect, Boundaries, Confidentiality
Confirm mutual commitment
 Connect to shared values, goals
 Focus on long-term benefits

28. Agree on the Issue
 Make sure the issue is defined
 Ask “why” five different ways
 Uncover the underlying driver
 Emotional vs. Task-Oriented
 All other issues should be tabled
 Deal with one at a time
 It’s okay to take a break and reconvene
later

29. Brainstorm Solutions
Involve the other person
Come up with multiple solutions
Make sure they are realistic

30. Take Action
Review and agree on Action Steps
Schedule next check-in date
Take Responsibility – Own it!

31. Complaints
Distractions
Silence vs. Violence
Deny/Justify/Attack

32. The Complainer
Abdication of responsibility
Listen and empathize
Engage in adult problem-solving
 Let’s analyze the cause
 Prioritize – is it worth solving
 How does the person plan on solving

33. Distracters
Brings side issues into the discussion
 Table the distracters for the time being, for later discussion
Attempts to change the issues
 Refocus back onto the issue at hand, restate and structure
Relives the past
 Structure the discussion as going forward, letting go

34. Silence vs. Violence
Silence Violence
 Withholding meaning from the  Forcing meaning into the pool
pool of understanding of understanding
 Often a system of avoidance  Often a system of competition
 Could be an unwelcome  May be masked as helpful
partner to accommodation collaboration
 Passive-Aggressive  Aggressive
 Creating a safe environment is  Reasserting ground rules is
short-term approach short-term approach
 Building trust through one-on-  Reinforcing cooperative
ones is long-term approach behavior is long-term approach

35. Deny/Justify/Attack
DJA Characteristics Diffusion Techniques
 Deny – denial that a problem  Paraphrase understanding
exists, or that the facts are before defensiveness escalates
valid  Keep asking questions until
 Justify – justify behavior by Point of View is fully explored
criticizing the process,  Once POV is exhausted, come
situation, or people involved back to the issue and treat
 Attack – transition from separately
defense to offense by verbal  If necessary, allow time and
attacks, threats or intimidation space between discussions

36. Possible Interventions
 Stop attacking
 Acknowledge, empathize, normalize
 Transition from past to future
 Gently probe for underlying interests
 Self-disclose; open up the channels
 Refocus to a neutral objective

37. Identify the Conflict
Match the Style to the Situation
Role Play

38. Personal Action Plan
Write down a conflict in your life
What style matches the situation?
Prepare a discussion outline
 Know what you want before you ask for it
Set a date & place for discussion
 Plan for neutrality and privacy

39. A positive attitude may not solve all
your problems, but it will annoy
enough people to make it worth the
effort – Herm Albright