You're going to die... some things to think about
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You're going to die - some things to think about. A slide deck of questions to consider about end of life planning, death, funerals and advice you'd like to pass onto your loved ones. Developed for a friend's mum and shared for Dying Matters week 2015
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You're going to die... some things to think about
- 1. You’re going to die… some things to think about! A first a7empt at memory prompts for a friend’s mum who had just been told she had a terminal illness You’re going to die… some things to think about!
- 2. I hope that you….
- 4. …. Is what I admire most about you
- 6. Thank you for ….
- 7. I love you because…..
- 8. A secret I never told you is….
- 9. Some personal details and history (family details)
- 10. More personal details and history (childhood; holidays; grandparents)
- 11. More details (school; friends)
- 16. Music and films
- 17. Food and drink
- 18. Pets and animals
- 20. Capturing memories: Don’t wait for the ‘right moment’ to start; it’s hard, but any you capture will be be7er than none! If you don’t feel up to it yourself, ask a close friend of family member to ‘interview you’ using the cards as a prompt You can write your answers, record yourself speaking them, or video them – most people hate themselves on film but it can be a very comforKng reminder for yourself and others as Kme passes
- 21. Include as much, or as li7le, detail as you like in your answers – we’re trying to capture your memories so there are no right or wrong answers The quesKons are a starter for ten, capture any memories you like – be inspired, not constrained by them Include photos, trinkets and other reminders to help capture your memories – see memory box
- 22. Memory box: One per person – plain or decorated Reminders and mementos; what you include is a personal choice and you can’t get it wrong Remembering people can help with grief, whatever their age – make a box with your son, daughter, parent, grandchild, or make it alone and leave it for them Consider using luggage tags or labels if you need to explain or remind why something is included.
- 23. Suggested contents: Photos Ticket stubs or programmes Family tree Jewellery or trinkets Cards or le7ers or drawings
- 24. More suggested contents: Cards or messages A le7er Favourite recipe or secret Po7ed history and lessons learned! Your handprint A filmed message
- 25. A goodbye le7er: When my Dad died he’d leX us all a le7er, which was a complete surprise because it was the only le7er he ever wrote (to me at least). It was hard to know he’d thought about how we’d feel, but it was also a huge comfort to know that and for him to give us ‘permission’ to be sad, but also the instrucKon to not be too sad and not for too long – which was very him! If you decide to write a goodbye le7er then there is no script, include what you like.
- 26. If you don’t know where to start consider: -‐ Acknowledging the sadness -‐ Tell the person how you feel -‐ What you hope for them -‐ Happy memories, lessons learned, wisdom -‐ Apologies, acknowledgements or thanks -‐ The reassurance it’s ok to feel sad
- 27. In my experience life will never be the same, and it doesn’t have to be, but it is a real comfort to know that the person you are missing knew they were loved. Don’t underesKmate how hard it is to face these things, don’t put yourself under pressure to write anything, and don’t feel like you need to face this alone. Talk to family, friends (if you wish to) or specialist palliaKve care support staff.
- 28. Le7er to Penny
- 29. End of life care planning: These are some of the things you might find useful to think about: If you make a plan and share it with people there is more chance it will happen as you wish – but there are no guarantees. You don’t have to have answers to these quesKons, but it may help if you do
- 30. If you don’t mind, you can say that, which may be useful for family and friends to know. Note down where you can – what you want and don’t want If agreement cant be reached, who makes the final decision?
- 31. At the end of your life: Where would you like to die? Who would you like to say goodbye to? Who would you like to be with you in your last moments?
- 32. Is there any music you’d like to listen to? Is there anything you are worried will happen?
- 33. Your funeral: Where would you like it to be held? Do you wish to be buried or cremated? Do you have any requests for music, readings, or flowers at your funeral?
- 34. Who would you like to write your obituary? Who would you like to read you obituary? Is there anyone you’d like to be invited to your funeral? Would you like a noKce in the paper?
- 35. AXer the funeral: Would you like people to stay for food, drink or a party? And/or would you like a memorial at a later date? Where would you like your ashes sca7ered (if appropriate)
- 36. Would you like a gravestone and/or a marker where your ashes are sca7ered? How would you like to be remembered?
- 37. Survival kit: Memory cards for compleKng, end of life quesKon cards, postcard, emergency chocolate, Kssues, pen, and parking owl (with change for hospital parking)