Video and slides synchronized, mp3 and slide download available at URL http://bit.ly/1n1IpoZ. Shane Hastie presents examples of how the most innocent of question or suggestion can send teams into a spin, and suggests a number of techniques to help create an environment where real communication can happen, irrespective if your team is co-located or distributed. Filmed at qconlondon.com. Shane Hastie is an experienced and enthusiastic trainer and coach based in New Zealand, working with teams and organisations around the world. He specialises in working with cross cultural and distributed teams. He is the Agile Practice Lead for Software Education, a Director of the Agile Alliance and is the Process and Practices Lead Editor for InfoQ.com.

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/unwritten-rules

3. Presented at QCon London
www.qconlondon.com
Purpose of QCon
- to empower software development by facilitating the spread of
knowledge and innovation
Strategy
- practitioner-driven conference designed for YOU: influencers of
change and innovation in your teams
- speakers and topics driving the evolution and innovation
- connecting and catalyzing the influencers and innovators
Highlights
- attended by more than 12,000 delegates since 2007
- held in 9 cities worldwide

4. Interpreting the
Unwritten Rules
or are they Guidelines?
Shane Hastie
QCon London – March 2014

5. Hi - I’m Shane

6. Which is right?
• I’m still
hungry
• Finish what’s
on your plate • What a waste
of food
• Your
generosity is
appreciated

7. How do you feel when:
▪ Someone new joins the team
▪ There’s an all-hands meeting in the canteen
▪ We’re heading out to do a team-building activity

8. Why?

9. The story of this track
An innocent email
“Hi both
I know your track is full, but
what do you think of this? He is
a great speaker and he is local
:-)
Cheers, ”
Resulted in sheer panic!
▪ Redesign track?
▪ Drop a confirmed speaker?
▪ Drop the open space?
▪ What should we do?
Then we discovered it was
simply a contingency idea in
case someone dropped out –
phew!

10. We view the world through many filters
Our viewpoint is refracted by
the angle we look from at
any time

11. The “culture” filter
9
Arts, literature, language,
food, dress, games
time, beauty, privacy, values,
role in society, education,
behavior,
motivations, fears, etc…

12. The “me” filter
• Precise• Peaceful
• Powerful• Playful
Playful
Friendly
Outgoing
Bold
Leader
Decisive
Practical
Detailed
Tidy
Mediator
Tolerant
Calming
EQ / IQ

13. The “values” filter
▪ Learned from birth
▪ Adapted by our experiences
▪ Related to beliefs about self
and others
▪ What is “right” and “wrong”

14. The “now” filter
▪ What just happened
▪ Hungry
▪ Tired
▪ Thirsty
▪ Distracted
▪ Happy
▪ Excited

15. The “defensiveness” filter
13
We protect
ourselves if we
are threatened
We are wired for
survival
We respond to
perceived or
imagined threats
The amygdala
triggers an emotional
response
….. Causes a defensive reaction

16. My filters are not your filters
If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell
me that my want is wrong.
Or, if I believe other than you, at least pause before
you correct my view.
Or, if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given
the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel
more strongly or weakly.
Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your
design for action, let me be.
I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to
understand me. That will come only when you are
willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.
Taken from the book ‘Please Understand Me’ by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates:
Publisher Prometheus Nemesis Book Company

17. Is it a rule or a guide?
▪ Many of our filters become rules in our lives
▪ Rules are invariant
▪ Rules constrain and restrict us to only one
course of action
▪ Breaking rules demotivates and causes
stress
▪ Guides give us freedom to think and act
based on the current context

18. To transform rules to guides
▪ State the rule precisely
▪ Change “must” to “can”
▪ Change “always” to “sometimes”
▪ Identify when the guide matters
(at least three circumstances)
▪ I must always do a perfect job
▪ I can always do a perfect job
▪ I can sometimes do a perfect job
▪ I can do a perfect job when
▪ I feel the job is important
▪ I have sufficient time
▪ The nature of the work permits it
This technique was taught me by Jerry Weinberg and Johanna Rothman
at the AYE conference, November 2007 – http://www.ayeconference.com/

19. Your turn

20. Some of the presuppositions of NLP
▪ You are responsible for the results that you get
▪ People do things for their own reasons
▪ People are doing the best they can with the resources they have
▪ The meaning of the communication is the response you get
▪ Feedback is the basis for future success
▪ Behind every behaviour is a positive intention.
▪ The definition of inflexibility: doing the same thing again and expecting a
different result.

21. Congruent & consistent
Self
Context
Others Congruent – harmoniousPlacating – helplessnessBlaming – attackingSuper-reasonable - obsessiveIrrelevant – confused

22. Summary
▪ We all have filters through which we look at the world
▪ There are many different filters
▪ My filters are not your filters
▪ Different is not wrong
▪ Our filters often become rules which govern our attitudes and behaviour
▪ Rules are invariant and restrict our choices
▪ Many rules should be reworked to become guides
▪ Guides give us freedom to make good contextual decisions
▪ When communicating you own the outcomes
▪ Congruent behaviour results in better outcomes for all

23. Thanks!
Please feel free to contact me:
▪ shaneh@softed.com
▪ blog.softed.com
▪ @shanehastie

24. Acknowledgements / References
▪ Jerry Weinberg, Johanna Rothman and the hosts of the AYE conference
http://www.ayeconference.com/
▪ Donald E Gray & Steven M Smith – drawing from the Satir Model: Family
Therapy and Beyond by Virginia Satir, Publisher Science & Behavior Books
▪ Software Education course: The Power of Persuasion & Influence –
www.softed.com
▪ http://allisonmooney.co.nz/pressing-buttons/
▪ Please Understand Me’ by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates: Publisher
Prometheus Nemesis Book Company
▪ Lee Cayzer, Educational Psychologist -
https://www.linkedin.com/profile/view?&id=58371888
▪ Philippe Kruchten – Software Project Management

26. Watch the video with slide synchronization on
InfoQ.com!
http://www.infoq.com/presentations/unwritten
-rules