Some folk leave their marriage or long-term relationship with elegance and grace. Some of us have catastrophic break ups that leave us cowering under the covers for months, if not years. When we move on to a new relationship, we bring with us a truck load of heavy baggage. And as our new relationship turns into something long-term, the doubts begin to creep in. My marriage was brutal and messy. Our breakup was volatile and damaging. The experience left me broken, wounded and doubting everything I thought I believed in. But in spite of that, here I am coming up on six years in my second significant relationship. Here are some of the things I have learned about how to navigate the terrain between a disastrous relationship and a delightful one.

1. MAKING YOUR
SECOND MARRIAGE
(OR RELATIONSHIP)
BETTER THAN THE
FIRST

2. Some folk leave their marriage or long-term
relationship with elegance and grace. Some of us
have catastrophic break ups that leave us cowering
under the covers for months, if not years.
When we move on to a new relationship, we
bring with us a truck load of heavy
baggage. And as our new relationship turns into
something long-term, the doubts begin to creep in.
“I’ve fucked this up once, I’m going to do it again.”

3. “My track record with love is abysmal. I’m crazy to
think this will ever work.”
My marriage was brutal and messy. Our
breakup was volatile and damaging. The
experience left me broken, wounded and doubting
everything I thought I believed in.
But in spite of that, here I am coming up on six
years in my second significant relationship. Here
are some of the things I have learned about how to
navigate the terrain between a disastrous
relationship and a delightful one.

4. THE PAST ISN’T A BLUEPRINT FOR THE FUTURE
Even though you have had terrible experiences in
the past, there is no reason to expect the same thing
in the future. Our destiny isn’t written in the stars
— and if it was, it would be handwritten with
twinkling points of pleasure and joy.

5. Teach yourself to live in the moment,
appreciating what you have right now without
worrying about an eventual disaster which will
probably never arrive. When panic arrives at
3am, whisper to yourself, “My past has no
influence on my current or future life. It is finished
and complete. I let it go.”

6. FORGIVE EVERYONE
Forgive your ex-partner for being a dick. Forgive
your friends for taking his side. Forgive your
mother for saying, “I told you so.”
Most of all, forgive yourself. You did the best you
could at the time, even though you might do things
differently now. Failing at a relationship doesn’t
mean you’re bad, or flawed, or unlovable, it just
means there came a time when you changed
your mind about what you wanted.

7. BE THE LOVE YOU NEVER RECEIVED
Call to mind all the ways you felt unloved and
invisible in your previous relationship and use that
data to behave different with your new lover.

8. If your ex-husband never listened to you, make an
effort to be a great listener. If your ex-husband gave
you the silent treatment, try to say how you are
feeling when you feel hurt or upset. If you ex-
partner never touched you, be warm and
affectionate. Give out the kind of love you’ve
always wanted to experience.

9. PRACTICE GRATITUDE
One thing terrible relationships show us is how
painful and cruel our circumstances can be. If you
have to compare your past to your present,
search for the differences rather than the
similarities.

10. Be thankful for all the small things your new lover
does for you – texting, putting out the bins, picking
you up from work, kissing you goodbye. Never let
small acts of love go unnoticed, or taken for
granted. Say thank you to your lover and to the
Universe for the good things in your life.

11. USE A LIGHT TOUCH
Now you’ve got the most important, “till death us
do part” relationship over and done with, you can
relax. You’re allowed to have any kind of
relationship you want now – it’s totally up to you.
Be light and playful with love — quick to give it
away and slow to expect everything in return. You
are no longer defined by the title of wife, so enjoy
the freedom.

12. Even if you decide to marry again, there is no
need to struggle under the weight of
expectations. The stakes have been lowered.
If it doesn’t work out, it’s not that big a deal.
You’ve survived once, you’ll do it again. Enjoy
being part of couple but don’t make it the entire
focus of your life. The paradox is, the more you let
go of control, the better your relationship will be.
≡

13. Second-time relationships don’t have to be repeats
of the first time around. You’re older, wiser, more
battle-worn, and less likely to put up with
bullshit. All that experience has made you an
expert on what you want and what you don’t
want. Put that expertise to good use and make this
relationship or your next relationship the best one
you’ve ever had.
HAVE YOU MOVED ON FROM YOUR FIRST “TILL
DEATH US DO PART” RELATIONSHIP? WHAT IS
YOUR ADVICE?

14. YOU MIGHT LIKE (CLICK THE LINK) ~
How to Love a Broken-Hearted Woman

15. 14 Things Women Wished Men Knew About Sex

16. Read more edgy, raw stories at
HEAD • HEART • HEALTH ←CLICK THE LINK
ABOUT KATIE PAUL
Embracing my midlife sexy
while figuring out modern
love & relationships +
devoted to all things
beautiful.