This document provides tips and tools for mentors on relational aggression. It begins by defining different types of bullying like teasing, verbal bullying, relational bullying, and cyberbullying. It discusses the roles that children play in bullying situations like aggressors, bystanders, targets, and defenders. It provides warning signs that a child is being bullied and tips for empowering "kids in the middle" to intervene. The document ends with questions for mentors to ask their mentees and advice on how to coach and support children dealing with bullying.

1. Relational Aggression Workshop
Tips & Tools for Mentors
By Renée Haber
1

2. Part 1
Language & Research
2

3. Conflict is normal.
3

4. The Teasing Continuum from Barbara Coloroso’s
The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander
Teasing Bullying
• Both people swap roles w/ease • Is based on an imbalance of
• Is innocent, not intended to hurt power
• Maintains everyone’s dignity • Is sinister, intended to harm
• Is meant to make both people • Involves humiliation, demeaning
laugh comments disguised as jokes
• Stops when someone becomes • Laughter is at the target, not with
upset the target
• Continues especially after
someone becomes upset
Topics Off Limits To All:
Race, Religion, Physical Attributes, Gender, Mental Ability
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5. Bullying . . .
Negative actions carried out by physical contact,
words, making faces, gestures, rumors, intentional
exclusion (Olweus, 1997)
Three Criteria
 Intention to harm
 Carried out repeatedly
 Relationship characterized by an
imbalance of power
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6. What gives some kids more power than others?
Michael Thompson’s top 3 criteria
for popularity:
Boys: Girls:
Sports Looks
Size Clothes
Humor Charisma
The computer is the great equalizer!
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7. Bullying (Peer Aggression) can be . . .
Physical: harm or threat of harm to a person or his/
her property
Verbal: spoken acts of harm (threats, putdowns,
name calling)
Relational: intending to hurt someone by harming
their relationships
Cyber: the use of information & communication
technologies to support deliberate and
repeated hostile behavior (beware of
cumulative effect)
It’s all harassment – creates a hostile environment,
and interferes with a student’s ability to learn! 7

8. Examples of Cyberbullying
• Masquerading - pretending to be someone
else while sending/posting harassing
material
• Flaming – sending angry, rude or vulgar
messages
• Outing/Trickery – sending/posting sensitive,
private or embarrassing information about a
person. Attempting to solicit embarrassing
information that is then made public.
(The Ophelia Project, 8
2012)

9. Examples of Relational Aggression
• Exclusion
• Ignoring (silent treatment)
• Name calling
• Put downs/taunting
• Alliance building
• Gossip/Rumor
spreading
© 2005 The Ophelia Project
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10. Where does bullying most
frequently happen?
1. Hallways
2. Playgrounds
3. Cafeterias
4. Bathrooms
5. Buses
6. Internet, etc.
What do all these places have in common?
Minimal adult supervision!
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11. The Latest Research (from Ophelia and others)
• RA is equally as harmful as physical aggression.
• Studies show girls are as aggressive as boys.
• RA can be seen in children as young as preschool and appears
to peak in middle school.
• Peer Aggression may be related to loneliness, anxiety,
depression, eating disorders, cutting, substance abuse and
suicide.
• Aggressive behavior is stable over time – it will not go away by
itself!
• Several studies show that more aggressive bullies often have
criminal records later in life.
• A recent CAPS survey of 6th & 7th graders on LI found that 83%
said their school had a bullying problem; 45% said it was
significant or severe.
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12. Why is bullying worse today?
Dr. Dorothy Espelage, University of
Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, suspects
it's related to a growing trend among
parents - arranging playdates: "One
hypothesis might be that the reliance of
parents on playdates ... is sending this
message that if you're not in this
particular playdate you're being
excluded." (NPR, 2002)
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13. 2 Basic Types of Aggressors:
Proactive Aggressor: Hurts someone to gain power
(the antidote is empathy)
Reactive Aggressor: Hurts someone to retaliate
(the antidote is forgiveness)
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14. There are 2 different kinds of victims:
• The Passive Victim - This type of victim is
submissive, often alone and insecure, signaling that
he or she is an easy target and will not retaliate.
• The Provocative Victim - This type of victim
behaves in ways that may be characterized as
annoying (ex: an ADHD child with poor impulse
control).
According to Barbara Coloroso:
“The kid with physical and/or mental disabilities
is 2-3 times more likely to be bullied.”
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15. The Roles Children Play
 Aggressor (often called the bully)
 Bystander (the kid in the middle)
 Target (the victim of the aggressor *)
 Defender/Upstander
(the one who stops the aggressor)
* It is important to recognize the difference
between the words target & victim.
Just because a child is targeted,
she does not have to become a victim!
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16. The Bully Circle
The Bully Circle
(Adapted from Olweus, 1999)
(Adapted from Olweus, 1999)
Start the bullying
The Aggressors Defenders
A D
Dislike the bullying and
Followers Target try to help the target
Take an active F T
part but does
not start the
bullying Passive Supporters Kids in the
S Middle
Support the bullying,
but do not take an Bystanders
active part
K
Watch what happens; “is none of Possible defenders
our business; don’t take a stand PD
Dislike the bullying and think
they ought to help (but don’t
do it)
© 2005 The Ophelia Project
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17. Roles of Covert Aggression
KIM KIM
Victims Aggressors
This is fluid!!
8-15% 8-15%
 Majority of students switch roles consistently.
 Need to address the role of REVENGE.
© 2005 The Ophelia Project
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18. Elie Wiesel: The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.
The Kids in the Middle…
• Are about 70-80% of children
• Intervene about 15% of the
time, yet have a high success
rate!!!
• Have similar feelings to the
victim and may show lasting
effects
• Need a safe, supportive
environment
• Need to learn strategies
• Are the key to stopping peer
aggression!
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19. Warning Signs of a Child Who is Bullied
1. Shows an abrupt lack of interest in, or refusal to go to,
school.
2. Takes an unusual route to school; does not want to
ride the bus.
3. Experiences a drop in grades.
4. Withdraws from family & school activities, wants to be
alone.
5. Has few or no friends.
6. Becomes aggressive, irritable or quick tempered
7. Hungry after school; says he lost his lunch money or
wasn’t hungry at school.
8. Taking parents money.
9. Runs to bathroom when she gets home.
The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander 19

20. Warning Signs Continued
1. Is sad, angry or scared after receiving a phone call or
e-mail.
2. Does something out of character.
3. Uses derogatory or demeaning language when talking
about peers.
4. Stops talking about peers & everyday activities.
5. Has disheveled, torn or missing clothing.
6. Has physical injuries inconsistent with explanation.
7. Has stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks,
nightmares, is unable to sleep, sleeps too much, is
exhausted.
8. Is overly concerned about personal safety.
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The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander

21. Part 2
Empowering Through Coaching
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22. What’s the difference between
tattling and reporting?
It’s a difference of intention!
• Tattling – is about • Reporting – is about
getting someone in keeping someone
trouble. safe.
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23. 23

Empowering the KIM
• Mt. Everest Story – bravery/fear/courage
• Explore HERO stories & the truth about
strength
• Magic words: According to Dr. Craig, If
one child says, ‘Stop it!’ it can end the
bullying in 10 seconds.”

24. How many friends does
the average kid have?
Experts say . . .
Five
But, she only needs . . .
One!
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25. Toni Morrison, 2000
“Does your
face light up
when your
child walks in
the room?”
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26. Regarding friendship…
… Safety in numbers.
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27. Helping Children Make Friends
• Make a list, with the child of everything she/he is
good at (ex: math, art, sports, dancing, singing,
sharing, etc.) and say, “Anyone would want to be
your friend!”
• Personal hygiene; it’s important!
• Compliment 3 people a day.
• Be a good listener – it makes others feel
important.
• Practice smiling – look in the mirror.
• Look people in the eye when talking to them.
How Kids Make Friends…Secrets for Making Lots of Friends, No Matter How Shy You Are
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28. Tips to try if you’re shy . . .
• Start the day by saying hi to at least
1 person; or, tell someone teasing you
to stop.
• Prepare for Conversation - Make a
list of 3 topics you’re comfortable
talking about and use it with someone
you’d like to know better.
• Invite someone to get together.
Stick Up For Yourself! Every Kid’s Guide To Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem
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29. Coaching Kids
Advice for Mentors
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30. Questions to ask your mentees:
• Are there any bullies in your class?
• What kinds of things do they do or
say?
• Are there kids in your class who
tend to get picked on?
• Do they ever bully you?
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31. How to Respond:
► Take the child seriously, and reassure him it’s
not his fault.
► Listenwith empathy, and share a time you
went through something similar.
► Ask, “What have you done so far? Do any
teachers know?” Help identify adults to go to
for help.
► Say you will help HER solve the problem.
► Brainstorm a list of options to try (good and
bad).
► Role play responses to bullies. 31

32. Advice for Parents of Victims
Do . . . Don’t . . .
•Do use a well-rounded •Don’t confront the bully’s
approach! Inform the parent (unless it’s someone
school and “coach” the you know really well - this
kid (use role play). is the exception, NOT the
rule).
•Do keep a written
record (calendar); take •Don’t overreact! You might
pictures if there is make things worse.
physical evidence.
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33. Advice for Kids/Victims
The Do’s . . . The Don’ts . . .
•Do stick up for yourself, with eye •Don’t cry (it gives the
contact and a firm, confident voice bully more power).
(deeper & louder).
•Don’t try to get revenge
•Do stay calm, take deep breaths & (it will make the bullying
walk away. increase).
•Do practice positive self-talk. •Don’t fight back (bullies
are often stronger).
•Do report bullying. Tell the adults
who can help (parents, teachers, •Don’t skip school.
principals, bus drivers, etc.). Keep
telling until you get the results you
need.
Stick Up For Yourself! Every Kid’s Guide To Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem 33

34. Responding to Bullies:
• Agree, then turn it into a Compliment:
“Yes, I am short. It must be
great to be tall like you.”
– then, walk away from the Bully,
toward other people.
• Give feedback: “Ouch. That hurts. I’m out of here.”
– then, walk away from the Bully, toward other
people.
• Make a simple statement: “I’m trying to like you,
but you’re making it really hard.” – then, walk away
from the Bully, toward other people.
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35. 35

Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
“In the end, we will remember
not the words of our enemies,
but the silence of our friends.”