A satirical look at interviewing tips for marketing jobseekers. Presented by Only Marketing Jobs

1. Interview tips for
marketing jobseekers
14 must-read to improving your career prospects

2. www.onlymarketingjobs.com
Tip 1: turn up early
Turning up late for an interview is inexcusable and
you don’t deserve a job.
Arrive early, freshen up and read the
paper.
You’ll feel pleased, clean and intelligent.

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Tip 2: do your research
The first proper question any interviewer should
ask is: “What do you know about our company?’
If you answer “not a lot,” expect to kicked
out onto the street.

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Tip 3: dress to impress
Being creative doesn’t afford you
different rules. Look like a vagabond
and you’ll be treated like one.
Want to be spat at in the street?

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Tip 4: flirt with the receptionist
…and show respect because when your interviewer
sees you out they’ll turn to the receptionist and say
“what did you think of him?” and if the answer is
“complete tosser” you won’t get the job
– even if the interview went well.

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Tip 5: ask questions
Incurious people are stupid. Don’t just nod,
prod. Interviews are a two-way thing and asking
open questions highlights your interest and
sparks engagement.
If the interviewer wants a lap-dog, walk out.

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Tip 6: don’t be a whore
Selling your skills is one thing, but have some
integrity. Prostituting yourself will be a short-term
fix to a longer-term problem.
Stick by your morals - even if it means
risking the interview

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Tip 7: sort out your social media
Yes, it’s the buzz and an obvious bandwagon to
jump on, but unless you’re visible to the entire
world people will get suspicious. Truly.
Warning:
Be careful what people might find*...
*Most employers don’t want this

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Tip 8: never interview first*
You’re one of a string of hopefuls on the shortlist
and interview times are being arranged. Don’t be
the first to be seen!
You might as well stroll into the room and kick the
interviewer in the nuts.
He’ll remember you more if you do.
*unless you’re the only one interviewing, of course

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Tip 9: resist temptation
Lots of good stuff comes out of Holland but Dutch
Courage before an interview isn’t one of them.
Turn up stinking of booze and you’ll be
drowning your sorrows 15 minutes later.
Booze = loose.

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Tip 10: sincere salutation
Wet fish and limp lilies are repulsive attempts at a
handshake. Offer one of these to your interviewer
and you can expect a slap in the face in return.
Poets shake hands like that.
Shakespeare: limp-wristed

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Tip 11: avoid a wandering eye
Retaining eye contact is essential. Looking around
the room makes you look awkward, uninterested
and shifty.
Shifty people are crooks.
Or second-hand car salesmen.
Or Ken Livingston.
Well, would you trust him?

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Tip 12: don’t turn the air blue
Swearing during an interview shows you are a
dim-witted dullard and highly ignorant.
Instead use expressive words to show your
intelligence and heighten your
enthusiasm.
Remember, you’re not a mechanic.

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Tip 13: pull out the punches
Interviewers respect gutsy performers. They
imagine what you’ll do for their business.
So get into the ring and give it all you’ve
got.
Eye of the tiger.

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Tip 14: be courteous
It is a good idea to follow-up your interview with a
display of gratitude.
Post a note, send an email or if you’re really
clever write something cool on Twitter to say
what an amazing company you’ve just met.
Whatever, don’t grovel and be true.

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