Style Matters Conflict Style Inventory

The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory

FREE REVIseWresO.coY
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DIRECTING COOPERATING

COMPROMISING

AVOIDING HARMONIZING

MATTERS
The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory

By Ron Kraybill, PhD

Contents
Introduction..................................................... ........ 2

Instructions ............................................................. 3

Tally Sheet .............................................................. 7

Guidelines for Interpreting Your Scores................. 8

Diagram of the Five Styles.....................................11
U
. nderstanding.the.Conflict.Styles..........................12.

C
. hoosing.Responses.to.Conflict............................15

Strategies for Working with Styles of Others..........17

S
. uggestions.for.Reflection.and.Discussion............20

Notes and Acknowledgements...............................22

MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY
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The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com
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Ordering Information About the Author
Style Matters is available printed in full color Ron. Kraybill. has. been. a. leader. in. the. field. of.

throughout or in black and white text with conflict.resolution.and.peacebuilding.since.1979..
.

color cover. You can also purchase rights He was founding director of the Mennonite

to reproduce at modest cost and print your Conciliation Service, Akron, Pennsylvania,
1979-1988.. . . He. spent. the. years. 1989-1995.
own copies. A fully automated web version
as Director of Training and head of special
with a detailed report tailored to your scores
projects.at.the.Centre.for.Conflict.Resolution.in.
and features not found in the print versions is
Cape Town and as training advisor to the South
available online. For all pricing and ordering
African National Peace Accord. He was a
information,. visit. www.ConflictStyleMatters.
professor.in.the.Conflict.Transformation.Program.
com...Or.contact.us.by.phone.at.202-580-8656.
at. Eastern. Mennonite. University. 1995-2006..
.
or email at Center@RiverhouseEpress.com. From. 2007. to. 2009. he. was. an. independent.
Leading a Workshop? consultant in Jerusalem, Ramallah, and

You can get a free Trainers Guide to Amman...Since.2009.he.has.been.a.Peace.and.

Successful Conflict Styles Workshops Development Advisor for the United Nations.

from Riverhouse. Send a request to: Other books by Kraybill include: Peace Skills:
A Manual for Community Mediators. (Jossey-
TrainersGuide@ConflictStyleMatters.com
Bass,.2001);.Cool Tools for Hot Topics: Group
An. eighteen-page. PDF. document. with.
Tools to Facilitate Meetings When Things are
clear. step-by-step. instructions. will. be.
Hot.(Good.Books,.2007),.and.Restoring Those
sent to you immediately by return email.
Who Help Others: Spirituality and Self-Care
Style Matters Online for Those in Danger of Burnout. (In. press)..
The interactive Style Matters Online on the See www.RiverhouseEpress.com for his essays
Riverhouse web site offers automated scoring and a blog on peace processes.
and features an emailable, four page score
report.summarizing.key.findings.for. each user. More Resources on Conflict Styles
For.a.large.number.of.essays.on.conflict.styles,.
culture.and.conflict,..and.resources.for.trainers,.
Copyright.2005.Ron.Kraybill
Revised.2008,.2010,.2011 go to the Riverhouse website. On the front
ISBN.0-9755071-2-5 page of the site, click on the Resources section
Riverhouse ePress, Harrisonburg, VA
www.RiverhouseEpress.com in the left menu.

MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 2

Introduction
We all experience painful differences with With that picture in hand, you can make

others as a part of living. Perhaps more than conscious choices in responding to others

any other challenge in life, our ability to work when things are tense. You can build on your

out differences with others affects our ability to strengths and improve on your weaknesses.

live well and be happy. Yet most of us get little You can assess responses of other people and

thoughtful guidance from parents and teachers deal more constructively with them.

on.how.to.do.this....We.figure.out.a.few.things.

by trial and error, but we are often confused and
Bear in mind as you answer the questions in the
hurt.by.what.happens.in.conflicts...
next few pages:

-.There.are.no."right".or."wrong".answers.
Style Matters: The Kraybill Conflict Style

Inventory. gives. specific,. practical. help. for. -.No.test.is.perfect,.including.this.one.

dealing with differences. In a handful of pages, -.No.one.is."set.in.stone",.including.you.
you will get more help than most of us get in

a lifetime of learning. This information can help
The questions and your scores are only the
you understand confusing situations and make
beginning of the learning process. Thoughtful
a real difference in the quality of relationships in
self-reflection. and. conversation. with. others.
home, school, work, and community settings.
about.what.happens.in.conflict.can.teach.a.great.

deal more. Style Matters will help you to do that
So.how.do.you.respond.to.conflict?..Most.people.
and to think about what really matters:
aren’t sure how to answer. It is often easier

to describe how others respond than how we

ourselves respond. How to respond most constructively to the

disagreements. and. conflicts. in. your. life.

Style Matters gives you a snapshot of yourself. tomorrow?

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Instructions for Getting Started
You can take this inventory in one of two ways. If situations. Instructions A result in a broad sketch of
you live and work in a cultural setting known as your behavior in general. Instructions B result in a
individualist (also sometimes referred to as “low specific. snapshot of your behavior in one context
context” for reasons you can read about in Note 1 only, and you may want to later take the inventory
on.page.22),.the.context.in.which.conflict.takes.place. a second or third time with other contexts in mind to
is not so important. People in these settings see get snapshots of yourself in several settings.
conflict.as.a.matter.between.individuals.that.requires.
only moderate awareness of status, roles, community
customs, etc. They feel free to respond as they Instruction Set A - General Sketch
wish when there is disagreement, no matter who is Think about your typical response when your
involved. If this sounds like your life, Instructions A wishes differ with those of another person. Questions
will probably work best for you. A-J.deal.with.your.response.to.disagreement.in.the.
beginning stages, when you have not yet grown
On the other hand, if you live and work in a setting frustrated.or.greatly.upset...Questions.K-T.deal.with.
known.as.collectivist.(or.“high.context”),.chances.are. your response after the disagreement has gotten
you.have.a.strong.instinct.to.first.examine.the.context stronger. Though there may be exceptions, what
of a problem before responding. In such settings, is. typical. for. you?. .Your. “gut-level. response”. to. the.
social status, age, roles, and the expectations of question is likely to be the most accurate. For each
others have a big voice in deciding responses. question, choose the number between 1 and 7 that
Specific.information.about.the.context.must.be.known. best describes what you actually do.
before answering questions about “what to do” in
conflict......If.this.sounds.like.your.life,.Instructions.B.
Instruction Set B - Context-Specific Snapshot
may feel more realistic for you, since they guide you
Choose a context for answering the questions.
to.select.one.specific.conflict.or.kind.of.relationship.
Select a person or particular kind of relationship (for
and hold it in mind as you take the inventory.
example,.co-workers.of.same.status.as.you,.personal.
Many people operate in mixed settings so either friends,.a.committee.in.your.religious.community,.etc.).
instruction set could work. Welcome to the with whom you have experienced disagreements or
complexities of modern living! You can learn more conflict.. . Hold. this. situation. in. your. mind,. or. ones.
about the differences between the two modes on similar to it, as you answer the questions. Questions
Note 1 on page 22, as well as cultures/regions of A-J.deal.with.disagreements.in.the.beginning.stages,.
the world often associated with each. If you are when you have not yet grown frustrated or greatly
undecided, we recommend Instructions B. They upset...Questions.K-T.deal.with.your.response.after.
work for everyone, regardless of background, so things.have.gotten.more.difficult.....For.each.question,.
long as you remember that the picture of yourself choose the number between 1 and 7 that is most
they yield at the end cannot be generalized to other accurate in describing what you actually do.


Calm Settings
When I first discover that differences exist and feelings are not yet high. . .

A. So long as feelings are still under control,
I.push.to.bring.our.differences.out.into.the.open.and.try.to.find.a.solution.that.benefits.both.of.us.

atters
res of St yle M
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
RARELY
Fea tu USUALLY

If the disagreementarch valida
ted.
B. - Rese has not escalated to a high level,
I focus on achieving what is important to .cultural.than in
gs.
me rather sett worrying about what’s important to the
itable.f or.diverse
other person. -.Su .of.
s;.n o.purcha6 e
s
1
-.Clea r.expla3nation4
2 5 7
RARELY USUALLY
d.
terials require
additional ma
group.
C.. s.p vided.for.
.questionus aro of what we want.
..When.feelings.are.still.low-key,.
-.Discussion
I look for a compromise that gives each of little
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
work. .
RARELY .for.download USUALLY
.G uide.available
-.Free.Trainers
.
.available.with
e.Version.also
D.. .I.try.to.head.off.trouble.before.it.begins.by.steering.away.from.difficult.issues.
-.Onlin
tailed.5.page.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
RARELY
automated.s coring.and.de USUALLY
. E asy
user’s scores
score rep ort based on
E. In a mild disagreement,
ser or trainer.
I am likely to go alongailing of report to u wishes in order to keep things peaceful.
with the other person’s
em
1 2 3 4
ssible. 6
5 7
RARELY -.Pric ed.to.be.acce USUALLY

F When I am in a disagreement but my emotions are not yet fully aroused,
I give priority to harmony and set aside my personal preferences as necessary to achieve
peace.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
RARELY USUALLY

G.. ..When.the.disagreement.is.still.low-key,
I put as much effort into understanding the other side’s views as I put into explaining my own.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
RARELY USUALLY

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H. If tension is not yet high,
I focus more on making sure that my opinions are heard than on keeping the other person
happy.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
RARELY USUALLY

I. In the early stage when people are not yet upset,
. . I.deal.with.differences.by.finding.ways.to.postpone.the.discussion.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7
RARELY USUALLY

J. When emotions are not yet high,
I deal with differences by offering to give up some things in exchange for others.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7
RARELY USUALLY

Storm Settings
If differences persist and feelings escalate, what do you do then?

K.. ..If.the.conflict.gets.heated,
. . I.make.a.lot.of.effort.to.get.us.to.work.together.in.finding.a.solution.that.we.are.both.happy.with.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7
RARELY USUALLY

L. As emotions rise,
I focus more on my goals and less on how others feel about things.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7
RARELY USUALLY

M. When feelings escalate in an argument,
I seek a solution where both parties win some and lose some.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
RARELY USUALLY


Storm Settings (cont’d)
If differences persist and feelings escalate, what do I do?

N. When I am upset in a disagreement,
Matte rs?
W ho Uses St yle
I withdraw from discussion so that neither side gets what they want.
kins.Universit
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h,.Johns.Hop
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
ublic.Healt
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RARELY USUALLY
niversit y
O.. If..the.conflict.gets.too.intense,. ool,.Stanford.U
•.Busin ess.Sch
I prefer to set aside my needs and let the other person have what xas want rather than threaten
Te
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our relationship. epartmen
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My attention goes tostice.I nstituget.of.Bri important to me rather than to protecting the
•.Ju strategies to
te
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When things get heated, I let the other person have their way.
1 George Maso 4
2 3 5 6 7
RARELY USUALLY
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•.AT&T.Wirele
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•.Valspar. intense, s,
I put a lot of effort into advancing the conversationollegesa way that it ie
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When tempers are high,
I try to move on by seeking a deal that gives everyone rs. some but not all of what they want.
and4team 5 a 6 le de
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2 3 7
RARELY USUALLY

Now go to the next page and tally your results.

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Style Inventory Tally Sheet
When you have answered all the questions, transfer the number you chose for each question
to the chart below. For example, on question A, if you circled 1, write 1 on the line beside A in
the chart below. When you have transferred all the numbers, add them in each column, A+G,
K + S, etc., and enter the total for each column in the gray box.

A __ K ___ B ___ __ L C ___ M ___ D ___ N ___ E ___ O ___

G ___ S ___ H ___ Q ___ J ___ T ___ I ___ P ___ F ___ R ___

Calm Storm Calm Storm Calm Storm Calm Storm Calm Storm
Cooperating Directing Compromising Avoiding Harmonizing

Now tranfer your score totals from the gray box above and the style names they are with to
the columns below, placing them in order from highest score to lowest.

Calm Storm
Response.when.issues.or.conflicts.first.arise Response when things escalate or stress rises

Highest Calm Score ^ Style Name ^ Highest Storm Score ^ Style Name^

Style Name 2nd Style Name 2nd

Style Name 3rd Style Name 3rd

Style Name 4th Style Name 4th

Style Name 5th Style Name 5th


Guidelines for Interpreting Your Scores
The.Guidelines.below.show.how.to.use.knowledge.of.conflict.styles.to.improve.your.effectiveness.
in.conflict...As.you.work.through.them.and.the.Learning.Suggestions.that.accompany.each,.
you.will.gain.an.understanding.of.your.scores.and.how.to.strengthen.your.responses.to.conflict..
.
If you are leading a group, see the Trainers' Guide for more exercises and inputs for each
principle. (To.download.a.free.copy,.send.an.email.request.to:.TrainersGuide@ConflictStyleMatters.com.)

1 . Learn the five styles and how each functions. close to us, and the institutional boundaries
This knowledge will open choices for you that of school, religion, and society. As adults,
you couldn’t see before, It will also help you to many of us still prefer the style that we learned
recognize what others are doing, and take steps to rely on in those early years. That style is
to bring out the best in yourself and others. fine,.neither.good.nor.bad...But.if.we.use.it.
automatically, in almost all conflicts, without
awareness that we are using it or that other
Learning suggestions: Study the diagram
responses are also available, we set ourselves
“Five.Styles.of.Responding.to.Conflict”.on.
up.for.difficulty.
page 11 for a few minutes. If you can, view
the short slide series on the front web page of
www.ConflictStyleMatters.com..When.you. Learning suggestions: Study your scores,
have a sense of each style, go on to Guideline using.the.chart.on.the.bottom.of.page.9..
.
Two below. Discuss them with others, for in describing
your scores and commenting on them, you
deepen.your.understanding....For.one-on-one.
2 . Be aware of your own conflict style
discussion, see Exercise 1 on page seven. In
preferences. Most people have a clear
group.settings,.see.Exercises.1-4...In.order.
preference for one or two styles. This style
of priority according to the time available, pay
feels natural to us since we learn patterns
most attention to:
with.conflict.as.children.and.young.adults..
.
Each of us was shaped by a situation unique a). The.style.you.rely.on.the.most. This is
to us, created by our own needs and abilities, normally the style with your highest score in
interacting.with.the.conflict.styles.of.people. Calm or Storm. If in doubt, give priority to

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your highest Storm style. This style probably has strengths and weaknesses. Each is the
reflects.some.of.your.greatest.gifts.as.a.person. right choice in some situations and wrong in
but.is.also.a.style.you.are.likely.to.over-use..
. others....Become.skillful.in.all.five.styles.so.you.
Understanding its strengths and limitations can use each appropriately. A few people
will help you to choose other styles when are.naturally.flexible.and.have.a.“flat.score”.in.
appropriate. this inventory, meaning their numbers all fall
within a few points of each other. However,
b). The.style.you.use.the.least. This is normally
most people have a preference for one or
the style with your lowest score in Calm or
two.styles,.reflected.in.a.score.of.two.or.more.
Storm. If in doubt, choose the style that you
points higher than other styles. The stronger
feel is the hardest for you to use well. Since
your preference for a particular style, the more
this is the style you are probably least skilled
likely.you.are.to.experience.the.costs.of.over-
in, expanding your ability to use it will open
use described on pages 12 to 14.
new.options.for.responding.in.conflict.

c). If.your.numbers.are.very.close,.you.may.be.
Learning suggestions: In the section
equally skilled in all styles. This is in general
“Understanding.Conflict.Styles”,.pages.12.to.
good,.for.it.indicates.flexibility.....Ask.people.
14,.study.the.benefits.of.each.style.and.the.
who know you for comment: Do they see
costs.of.over-using.it. Pay particular attention
you.as.indeed.flexible.in.using.all.five.styles?.
.
to the costs of over-use of the style you use
Or do you sometimes rely too much on one
the most and the benefits of the style you use
or.two.styles?...Chances.are.that.you.have.
the least, for this knowledge will assist you to
an inner sense about one or two styles that
broaden your repertoire of responses. Review
are.more.difficult.for.you.than.others;.pay.
these out loud in the presence of others (a
special attention to these. Also, be aware that
partner or a small group, with all sharing about
flexibility.can.make.you.seem.unpredictable.
themselves).and.comment.on.those.that.
to others. You can counteract this by making
especially seem to apply to you. The section
special effort to communicate your intentions
“Choosing.Responses.to.Conflict”,.pages.15.
to others so they can understand what you
and.16,.gives.additional.information.on.each.
are up to.
style. In real life, practice being conscious of
3 . Develop style flexibility. Understand and which style you are using and make a point
respect the unique value of each style. Each of experimenting with styles you rarely use.


4 . Increase awareness of your Storm Shift. you seek, discuss with others you trust what
Some people experience a change in preferred you could do when you feel stressed that
style.as.conflict.heats.up....They.begin.a. would help you use the style you want to use.
conflict.with.one.style.but.as.emotions.and.
stress go up, they shift to a different style. 5 . Learn strategies to make it easy for
They may shift from a style of Harmonizing others to be at their best. Each style has
in Calm conditions, for example, to Directing certain requirements other people can help
as things move into the tension of Storm to meet, if they choose, that lower stress
conditions;.from.Directing.to.Avoiding;.from. and anxiety and improve performance.
Cooperating to Directing or Harmonizing, etc. Often these are simple things others can
This Storm Shift can be quite sudden and thus do without sacrificing their own goals.
surprise, shock, or hurt others.
Learning suggestions: Study the section
Learning suggestions: Compare your “Strategies for Working with Styles of Others”.
numbers in Calm and Storm for each style. First learn the tips you wish others would
(Use the totals in the gray line of the upper use for you by studying your preferred styles
chart.on.page.7.)...If.there.is.a.shift.in.any.of. in Calm and Storm. Then, if you are in a
your styles of two points or more from Calm to group, go around the group with each person
Storm, pay attention to this. If the shift is four sharing the tips for his or her preferred styles
points or more, chances are that your Storm that seem especially helpful. Listen well, for
shift sometimes confuses or alarms others. you will learn much about the needs of other
In.conflict.situations,.learn.to.recognize.the. styles besides your own as well. (Exercises
inner signs that accompany a shift: a suddenly 2.and.3.on.page.20.are.a.variation.on.this.).
.
pounding heart, heat in the face or neck, a Do the same discussion with a partner you live
flash.of.anger.in.the.head,.churning.in.the.gut,. or work with. In real life, look for opportunities
or icy fear in the chest. Ask people who know to apply support strategies discretely, in ways
you well to give you feedback about what they that help others without calling attention to the
notice.when.you.become.stressed.in.conflict..
. fact that you have done so.
Simple awareness is your most important
tool.for.self-management....If.awareness.
alone is not enough to achieve the response

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High Focus on Agenda

Focus on own agenda: High Focus on own agenda: High
Focus on relationship: Low Focus on relationship: High
I win/you lose. I win/you win.
“We’re doing it my way...” “My preference is.... And please tell
“Let’s just get the job done. me yours.... If we each explain what
(We’ll worry about the we want, and keep talking, we can find
relationship later...)” a way for both of us. ”

Low focus on COMPROMISING High focus on
Focus on own agenda: Medium
Relationship Focus on relationship: Medium Relationship
I win some/you win some.
“I’ll meet you halfway...”
“Let’s make a deal...”

AVOIDING HARMONIZING
Focus on own agenda: Low Focus on own agenda: Low
Focus on relationship: Low Focus on relationship: High
I lose/ you lose. I lose/you win.
“Forget about it...." “Sure, I’m flexible ...”
"Conflict? What conflict?" “Whatever you want is fine with
"Can we talk about this some other time?” me ...”

Low Focus on Agenda


Understanding Conflict Styles

High focus on own agenda and low focus on High focus on own agenda and high focus on
relationship relationship

“We’re doing it my way...” “My preference is.... And please tell me yours.”

I win and you lose. I win and you win.

Strategies: Persuade, insist, demand and Strategies: Assert self and invite other views.
repeat, compete, control, refuse to negotiate, Welcome.differences,.reflect.jointly.on.strengths.
attack. As leader, discourage challenges, cite and weaknesses of all views. Cooperate in
policy, set limits and consequences, instruct. seeking and evaluating additional information.

Source of power: From position, role, control of Source of power: From trust, skill, ability,
resources, ability to impose consequences. coordination, goodwill, creativity, mutuality.

Benefits: Speed, decisiveness, gaining or Benefits: Trust and mutuality. High potential for
protecting things important to the Director. creativity and personal growth. Others blossom
Useful.in.emergencies.-.no.time.lost.negotiating. and develop new gifts. This style has immense
duties when the ship is sinking. Stability under rewards of satisfaction, energy and joy when
unswerving leadership. successfully used on meaningful issues.

Costs when over-used: Inequality, resentment, Costs when over-used: Fatigue and time loss,
reduction in trust, loss of cooperation. In time, distraction from more important tasks, analysis
others.display.lower.self-motivation,.atrophy.of. paralysis. Used for many trivial issues, people
gifts,. diminished. self-respect,. or. depression..
. weary. of. "too. much. processing".. . Attempted.
Reduced emotional and spiritual growth in the without attention to the skills and time required,
Director if others fear to challenge them. failure.is.likely;.cooperation.gets.a.bad.name..

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of
ill.Conflict.Sty
of.the.Kraybgo on. Emphasisthe.National.Communica
tion.
stalemate, enables the show to f. issues. or. insignificant. relationships,. stability,.
onvention.o ent edition of
96th.Annual.C A.] This pres
on fairness is readily understood by most people. , C preservation.of.status.quo,.ability.to.influence.or.
an Francisco
Association, S gs.from.this.s
tudy.
Builds atmosphere of cooperation. eflects.the.learninblock others without olarly
.r seeming negative.
Style.Matters s upports objec
tive sch
Press actively
Riverhou e
Costs when over-used: seMediocrity and g.ac ess.to.
Costs whencover-used: Periodic explosions of
onflict.sty les.by.providin
possibility rch.in
to.cunprincipled search
blandness, resea of s academic re
pent-up.anger,.“long.stretches.of.cottony.silence.
cost to seriou
Sty of atters
at no
agreements, likelihoodle Mpatching symptomsg a policy of comple
te objectivity
punctuated by terrifying explosions,” slow death of
maintainin urces ave.
and ignoring causes. ro p Everyonehile a little, but nciarelationships, residue.h bad feeling. Stagnation,
jects, w
gets ..No.fina l.or.other.reso of
gs
re garding.findin proje cts.
no.one.is.really.happy...Too-quick.compromises.e research
thes dullness, declining interest and energy. Loss of
excha nged hands in
may..short-circuit.needed.in-depth.discussion. engagement and accountability.


Principles to Remember

1 . Diversity and conflict are part of being
HARMONIZING
human. Most people function better in
Low focus on own agenda and high focus on
conflict.if.they.accept.that.it.is.a.normal.part.
relationship
of life.
“Sure, I’m flexible ...”

“Whatever you’re happy with is fine with me....“ 2. Self management is the most important and

You win and I lose. challenging.part.of.conflict.management.

Strategies: Agree, support, acknowledge error, 3. Self-awareness of. your. conflict. style.
give in, convince self it’s no big deal, placate, preferences and the strengths and dangers
smile and say yes, grin and bear it. of your preferred styles is a big step towards
self-management.
Source of power: From relationships, approval
of.others,.from.fitting.in. 4. Style flexibility is the goal. No style is

Benefits: Flexible and easy to work with, wins always.best...Each.has.benefits.and.costs.

approval and appreciation of others, creates 5 . Each conflict style has a particular set of
pleasant atmosphere. Freedom from hassle, at preferences for how to interact (pages.17-
least.in.the.short-term. 19). Taking steps to meet these frees up

Costs when over-used: Frustration for others energy.for.addressing.the.issues.at.conflict..
.

who want the engagement of Problem-solving. 6. No matter how aware or skillful you are,
Resentment, depression, and stunted growth of you will still get hurt or fail sometimes.
personal gifts in the Harmonizer. Dependency on We're human, not gods. Learn from
others..Denies.others.the.benefit.of.confrontation. mistakes, make right what you can, forgive
if the Harmonizer accepts unhealthy patterns or when you are able, get on with things. Live
behaviors that ought to be challenged. fully, not perfectly.

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Choosing Responses to Conflict
We.are.most.successful.in.conflict.when.we.are.flexible.in.our.abilities.and.can.use.each.of.
the.five.styles.skillfully.as.needed...However,.most.people.rely.on.one.or.two.preferred.styles.
and use them unthinkingly in all.conflicts,.regardless.of.the.circumstances...This.section.will.
help you make conscious choices about which style is best in a given situation or moment.

Directing presence of someone who chronically

Most useful when: directs

Ø an emergency looms Ø self-respect.of.others.is.diminished.

Ø there.is.no.time.for.give-and-take. needlessly

discussion
Ø you are sure you’re right, and being right Cooperating
Most useful when:
matters more than preserving relationships
Ø the issues and relationships are both
Ø the issue is trivial and others don’t really
significant
care what happens
Ø long-term.ability.to.work.together.is.
Ø weaker parties need to be protected from
important
stronger ones Ø a creative outcome is important
Ø principles are at stake and must not be Ø time and energy are available for
compromised, regardless of cost discussion
Ø reasonable hope exists to meet all

Least useful when: concerns

Ø Cooperating has not yet been attempted
Least useful when:
Ø support and cooperation of others who
Ø time is short
want to be treated as equals is important
Ø the issues are trivial
Ø used.routinely.for.most.issues;.others.
Ø you’re overloaded with “processing”
either get annoyed and resistant or fall Ø the goals of the other person are wrong
into passiveness and dependency in the beyond doubt


Compromising the relationship

Most useful when: Ø used habitually for most issues (leads to

Ø getting a quick settlement matters more “explosions”.or.“freeze-out”)

se
than exploring all possible options. Ø a residue of negative feelings is likely to
Ø working together is important,R e g a r d in g Paymlinger for U
ent
Our Policies are limited he.highest.quality.conflict.
but time or
.t
ion:.to.provide
resources to Cooperate fully Ø others. would. benefit. from. constructive.
1. Our.miss
Ø when settling on some solution, even if market (in clarity, e
ase of
on th e confrontation
sty is inventory
less than ideal, le better than a complete nessØ your rolehing
tool,
as a teac or duties oblige you to take a stand
ti ve
stalemate use, ae
sthetics, effec at.is.within.
(even th
odest.cost.though you may personally prefer to
Ø when efforts and.researc be
to Cooperate will
h.validity).at.m
users. Avoid.or.Harmonize)
reach o f all interested
misunderstood as Directing
ced cost and
Style M atters at redu
2. We provide nnot afford
Least useful when: metimes no cost to
users who ca
Harmonizing
n
so only by writte
es. H owever, this isuseful when:
Most
our listed pric
Ø in-depth.analysis.or.finding.the.most.
creative solution possibleonessential (use nt.
d conse Ø keeping others happy is the most important
applicati an
is
. We have
age sgoal usly
erio
Cooperating.instead)
authorized us
3. We with e un
Ø when you can’t live
tak
the consequences survive and m
eet our above
e are to Ø expressing your wishes may bring
no choice if w or need cost makes
of getting less than what you want
. Premium q uality at low from others and you have no
retaliation
covalues ments
mmit are at stake
meansers to
pay for
Ø deep principles or
s! We depend on us to protect yourself
for thin margin nd cite about the issue
Ø you r for a
o
actively monit really don’t care ”
we
Avoiding their use and tay legit
. Ø you to “s
Your choiceare powerless and have no wish to
Most useful when: unauthorized users
to personthe
esig the otherma
ke
Ø the issue is trivial pports a busin ess mo del dblock ned
a
su ve you and us
Ø the.relationship.is.insignificant tter place. It can also sa
world a be Least useful when:
Ø time to talk is limited and a decision can be
lo t of hassle.
Ø you are likelye m e ly resentment
xtr to harbor
ertising is e
delayed for now
Ø you have little power o ropenlym o an
uth adv Ø used habitually in order to win acceptance
W to d of resist your colleag
ues
.P lease tell by.others.(outcome:.lack.of.self-respect.
helpful to us
opponent but you don’t want to actively go
along with their wisheso u t S ty le M a tt e
rs. and personal growth in you and eventually
ab
perhaps.depression)
Least useful when: Ø others wish to Cooperate and will feel like
Ø you care about both the issues involved and Directors if you Harmonize

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Strategies for Working with Styles of Others
You can do a lot to help people with styles different from your own feel more comfortable in
conflicts.and.thus.function.more.constructively...Read.and.discuss.the.information.below.with.
people who live or work with you. If you talk when things are calm about your styles and what
you.need,.you.will.know.what.to.do.to.make.things.easier.in.difficult.times.....As.you.get.familiar.
with. the. styles,. you. will. soon. find. you. can. recognize. style. preferences. even. in. complete.
strangers, and you will know how to respond in situations that previously confounded you.

How to bring out the best in someone • Directors usually prefer to deal with things
who scores high in Directing now and get anxious when others are silent
• People who use the Directing style a lot or passive. Don’t withdraw without giving
are often task oriented. They are usually some clue about your intentions. Lack of
quite productive and concerned to get information about this will increase their
the job done. Engage them and let them anxiety and anger.
know you are committed to the task at • A Directing person who is angry can be
hand or resolving the issue satisfactorily. quite intimidating, for this style is the most
If you need time to think things through or active, and “in your face” when anger is high.
cool.down,.they.are.usually.fine.with.this.if. If this person has a history of abusing others
you ask, so long as you indicate clearly a emotionally or otherwise and holds more
commitment to returning to resolve things. power than you, look for a path to safety or
You will get a more positive response if you shelter. If the person is basically healthy
state. specifically. when. you. will. come. back. emotionally, simply asking for a chance to
(e.g., in an hour, or tomorrow at nine o’clock, cool off and think often helps, so long as
etc). you state clearly your intention to return and
• Though their task focus makes it easy to work on things.
forget the feelings and needs of others,
How to bring out the best in someone
many Directors feel deeply responsible for
who scores high in Cooperating
those around them and may feel quite bad
• Feeling heard helps all styles, but
if they realize they have wounded others.
Cooperators respond particularly well to
Look for ways to engage them about the
efforts to structure conversation around
needs of others in settings where they are
listening. Hear them out fully and you are
not in the middle of a big job.


likely to be surprised at how well they listen anything you need from them if you use a
to you in return. “two-step”. approach..The. first. step. is. to. let.
• Most Cooperators value directness and Avoiders.know.–.in.thoughtful.tones.-.what.
candor, so long as you are polite. Saying you want and that you’d like them to think
what you want and need will be appreciated, about it. Then come back later – an hour, a

a
Et ceterinformation about what akes• it easy low-key.. . . The. more. intense.
particularly if you manage to say it in an day,.a.week.-.and.hear.their.response.
for
attitude of “providing m
ers Guide Stay. or.
•. Thto me”e Train criticizing or conflict.styles. you are, the more likely the
e fre rather than
matters most ssful. demanding
making demands. e.to
.lead.a.succe
anyon ined before!
Avoider will go into major withdrawal.
if yo u’ve never tra
• If you are aworkshop, even
Harmonizer or Avoider, resist • There. is. a. significant. subgroup. of. conflict.
o.
the temptation to.the.firsfrom ge.of.this
back off t.pa an assertive
.doc.for.info.t
Avoiders who are actually quite task
See
Cooperator. Yes, Cooperators do speak focused, but in a particular way. They bring
download. flict.
out, but they truly want to hear youreviewsources.on.con
any.f re .res a high level of caution and attention to detail
•. Th silent re.m
.a
too. If you are ere or too quick to agree, our site. everything. they. do;. they. are. concerned.
to.
sty s on w b listings on
the Cooperatorleends upe feeling like a ft
.cnot to put e le
om In th important things at risk. These
Director, whicho to www.Rive rhouseEpress Avoiders need data and information,
G is not at all the intention.
• Bring a blend of task andck on “Resources
relationship focus
”. presented in a calm and methodical way,
menu, cli sentation.
to.the.conversation...Affirm.work.well.done. erpoint.pre
e.Pow in order to comfortably enter negotiations.
-slid
• •. A.simple.ten ite
Like the directing style, Cooperators Riverhouse forebs to provide them with relevant
Look w ways
ge of the
on the ontpa
particularly appreciate frinformation about styles..about at.
details, .Gre plans, options, costs, rules,
s ics.of.conflict. precedents from elsewhere, expected
xp and tend a
what is goingeon,lains.the.bto become
can project it
users or trainers results, how surprises will be dealt with,
for indiv pull l
anxious or upset if othersiduaaway without
oint projecter.
signalling their intentions. room withdraw owerp etc. If possible, give them time to absorb
Don’t with a P
in a class rantee.
without giving a clear explanation, such as, oney-back.gua
.m this information before expecting them to
ffers.a
Riverhouse.o with what the
y
“I want to go for a walk for half an hour to appy negotiate...See.two-step.approach.above.
r h o is not h
to a Then I’ll w
think things through. ny use come back • Hastell.have.had.no.
e.sti in decision making tends to push
and we can talk some more.”...After.fi
v e.years,.wAvoiders into withdrawal or analysis
purchase
paralysis. Move slowly, one step at a time.
takers! e website at
tion is available on th
How to bring out ore informa someone
M the best in .com. Epress
who scores high www.Riverhouse
in Avoiding How to bring out the best in someone
• Avoiders.benefit.more.than.any.other.style. who scores high in Compromising
from an offer to give them time and/or space • Compromisers have a strong sense of
to withdraw and think things through. You reciprocity. More than other styles, they
are more likely to get a “yes” answer about are likely to respond in kind if you back

E C Pm
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19

off somewhat from your initial position. appreciative.comment,.flowers,.a.chocolate.
Leave room to negotiate when you make bar, a card, etc.

St yle Matters You will get more cooperativeness in doing
ck out …fairness and
your opening request.
Compromiserse value
Also ch
•
•
moderation. e Think and speak in terms of
serious work with Harmonizers if you use
Onlin ge a. pla
ce where we
dge, thetwo-step. approach.. . First,. connect. at.
in
“being fair”, “fair version is our cutt“you
play”, “reasonable”, . Style
ur clientslevel
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give some, Iy adsome”, “give andiqu etc.
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e needs of o a human an’t b(ask how they are doing,
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• Compromisers.Online value. efficiency. of.
Matters tend. to. version: little, compliment them, thank them for
rint
offered in a p
time.and.energy.and.are.eager.to.find.a.way. r
ated scorin the g
to a practical solution that endsres by email to an
through •. Fully autom
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something,.etc.)..Then,.and.only.then,.settle.
rding of sco down to business. The human connection
•. Easy forwa
difficulty...A.sense.that.a.fair.and.moderate. ic
chooses.
deal was achieved probably mattersilmore to each u d se comes Bas
alwaysr. The before work for Harmonizers
reports ta ore ary of scores. The
•. Two score
than talking through all options. page summ
(an.insight.that.is.especially.difficult.for.task-
one cked.with.
Report is a does rt.is.a.four-page.report.pa hich
• As the Compromiser .Repo not enjoy
oriented Directors.to.remember).
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suggein tions• Stay xlight. seSeriousness , or heaviness in
s id
prolonged debate, nd practicalpartner es s to avo
ention to, e c
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info a y att
Directing or evens you should pa may, others quicklyetc. anxiety
,
style Cooperating style others to be effective stirs .aspecin Harmonizers
m she t.
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wh be you nee
with strong logic, at able to persuade her
u
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torial.and plain it hard for them to focus or
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•. An.i an epth
is wrong, creating n-dappearance the more stay on task. Use humor. Appreciate the
gement,
les. , anger mana
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forceful personf.hasn“won”. However, thel issuesrelationship or their good qualities out loud if
ays on cultura you ist.o
victory may •. Shollow. ss Compromiser’s lf-tailored.lcan honestly do .
be hort e The
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a.te that s, and more
b sed should Version that
Strategieswilla disturbed. rs ta• e Assure nlinerepeatedly h thyou really want
be reciprocal and balanced rs have use k the O them wit and e
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shop will them inutes.o
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nd..
printout.in.ha
suffer.on.the.long-term.....Find.concessions.
they bring criticism, thank ds generously,
them
for the Compromiser, even if you are sure
time! ss auto call sen
matigreatyeffort for Harmonizers
your argument is stronger.nal Consu
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•.An optio nd prevents
c ores to you a to bepreseabout anything negative.
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seeing their s epo rt • nables yo
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How to bring out the ptional Group R Excel
group on one breaks and
•.An o best in someone lass or Harmonizers, takeve given lighten up
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who scores high in f all scores of y
o Harmonizing are withheld ua less you
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on n regular basis. Long, heavy discussion
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• Harmonizers want nto please ation.to.your.users. unsettles Harmonizersoandsite,
w up on ur pushes them
ritten.notific social e Pagetocan be setplaces moreorquickly than
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pleased. Pay attention to small elcom tudents
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gestures of thoughtfulnesseda ing accean
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Suggestions for Reflection and Discussion
1. Discuss scores in pairs or trios. After sharing increase their understanding of each style.
your.scores,.tell.a.story.about.a.conflict.you’ve. 3.. People.who.live.or.work.together.benefit.
been.a.part.of...Do.the.scores.fit.your.real-life. greatly from conversation about their styles.
response?...What.styles.would.you.like.to.get. A suggested discussion sequence:
better.at?...If.your.numbers.suggest.a.significant. • Share scores with each other.
shift in style from calm to storm, are you aware • Reflect on the scores, with each person
of.making.such.a.shift?..What.factors.are.most. responding to the questions in item 2 above.
likely.to.trigger.this.shift.in.you?...How.does. • Recall a time when differences arose between
the.shift.affect.others? you...Do.the.scores.reflect.how.you.actually.
responded?
2. Meet in small groups of similar-style people.
• Each.person.can.reflect.aloud,.in.the.presence.
For example, in one group is Directors, in
of others, on the “Strategies for Supporting
another Cooperators, etc. If you have nearly
Styles of Others” pages. Which strategies
equal scores in two styles, choose the style
would they particularly like others to use that
that.seems.to.get.you.in.difficulty.the.most..
.
would.help.bring.out.the.best.in.the.speaker?
Discuss the information in the pages above
about the style of your particular group. Go 4. Have someone who knows you well take the
around the small group and give each person test “for” you based on their observation of you.
chance.to.reflect.on.himself.or.herself: Then compare your own score for yourself and
• Which strengths of the style do you see present the one they give you. Where do the scores
in.your.handling.of.life.and.relationships? agree?..Where.do.they.differ?...What.are.the.
• Which weaknesses or costs from overuse do gifts.of.your.preferred.style(s)?..What.style(s).
you.see? do.you.want.to.work.on.for.improvement?.
.
• Which.support.strategies.do.you.find.especially. More comprehensive still: Have several people
applicable.to.you?. do this for you. In organizations, you can do
When you reconvene as a whole group, with a.“360.feedback”.by.having.people.above,.
all styles present, have a reporter from each beneath, and on par with you take it “for” you.
small group give a summary of insights from (Do a web search on the phrase for tips and
that group to the whole group, so others can cautions.)

E C Pm
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21

5. People in teams and organizations will be needs of the styles involved that would ease
rewarded by discussing the impact of styles in future.conflicts?...
times.of.negotiation.or.decision-making...Each. 7. If your group has people from both individualist
style has different preferences for how to go and collectivist cultural backgrounds (see Note
about things (e.g., how direct and open to be 1.first.on.page.20),.you.can.have.an.illuminating.
in.stating.preferences,.how.much.relationship- discussion. Separate into small groups of
building.time.to.include.in.decision-making,.how. individualists only or collectivists only. Ask
rapidly.to.make.decisions,.etc.)..Discuss:.What. each.group.to.create.a.picture.showing.a.conflict.
insights.do.we.get.about.our.collective.decision- someone in their group has experienced, using
making.processes.from.looking.at.these.scores?.
. vehicles as a major part of the drawing. Have
About.difficulties.we’ve.encountered?.About. each group share with the larger group: What
how.to.improve.decision-making.in.the.future? kind of vehicles did they choose for the parties

6.. People.in.teams.and.organizations.also..benefit. and.why?..Who.is.driving.the.vehicles?..Who.

by.discussing.difficult.style.combinations...A.lot.of. else is in the picture and with what connections

conflicts.escalate.because.the.people.involved. to.the.conflictants?..What.factors.do.conflictants.

have different style preferences and thus prefer consider in deciding how to respond to the

differing approaches to dealing with differences. conflict?..When.all.groups.have.shared,.reflect.

For example, Directors and Cooperators want as a whole group: What insights did you gain

to put things right out there and talk about them about differences between individualist and

now, whereas Avoiders prefer to step back and collectivist.conflicts?

think.about.things.first...Each.tends.to.assume. 8. Here is a discussion for group settings that
that."good".people.would.use.the.approach. inspires hope:
they favor. As a result, there are now two Select two people who work together and have
sources.of.tension.-.one.about.the.issues.and. different styles, but know and trust each other
the other about how to deal with the issues! well. Have them talk in the presence of the
With others in your team or organization, identify whole group about their style differences, how
particular pairings of styles that commonly they see each other, how they have learned
cause.difficulties...Think.about.recent.conflicts..
. to work with and respect each others’ style
In.what.ways.did.style.expectations.play.a.role?.
. differences, etc.
What insights can people exchange about the

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Style Matters Conflict Style Inventory

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