What Scripture says about boundaries and divorce in an unhealthy marriage
1. pg. 1
What Scripture says about boundaries and
divorce in an unhealthy marriage
he purpose of this document is not to encourage divorce. I
believe every spouse should fight for marriage, but I also
believe that boundaries should be established by both
parties. This document is specifically geared toward the
circumstance of a husband living in blatant sin against the wife and
God (adultery, practicing illegal operations, partaking in substance
abuse, or causing physical or mental abuse).
After extensive Scriptural research and years in the school of life
and marriage, these are the beliefs I’ve formed on the subject of
boundaries in marriage. I watched my father-pastor, one of the
godliest men I know, give marital counsel for years. I grew up on
the campus of a fundamental Bible college, and later graduated
with a degree in Bible Theology and music.
However, each marital situation is different, and no one but you and
God can ultimately decide the correct course of action. Much
prayer, Scripture searching, and godly counsel should be sought
before action.
The Bible states that marriage is a God ordained institution between
a man and a woman and I believe that every wife should fight for
her marriage. But what follows are healthy boundaries that should
be heeded in one’s own marital union.
T The chance of a first
marriage ending in divorce
over a 40-year period is 67
percent. Half of all divorces
will occur in the first seven
years. The divorce rate for
second marriages is as
much as ten percent higher
than for first-timers.
~Dr. John Gottman, Focus
on the Family
MARRIAGE UNDER
ATTACK
2. pg. 2
A Case study on adultery
Karen endured her husband’s sin until he finally left after thirty years. A year or so into the marriage,
red flags went up. There was another woman. When she addressed it, he seemed repentant and willing
to change. Just when she began to trust him, infidelity struck again. An internet hook up here, a porn
site there. It became a never-ending cycle. For years, she forgave, over and over and over.
And He took advantage of that grace.
Finally one day, he moved out, ready to publicly pursue his own desires.
It ended in divorce, a family torn apart, children realizing this father was someone they never really
knew. Even after many prayers and confrontations, this man decided to willingly desert his family.
So what could she have done differently? What was this wife, who loved her husband so large and so
long, supposed to do?
If this sounds similar to your situation, please know that no one but you can make this call. Only you can
determine when enough is enough. I don’t believe, had she had opportunity for a redo, that gracious
wife would have done one thing differently. She had a clean conscience, knowing she forgave even
more than seventy times seven.
Her husband made his choice, and as wives, we simply cannot control our husband’s will.
Everyone has a threshold. Had that been me, I think I would have given far less grace and ended the
marriage sooner-yet no one knows for sure what they would do until fully in a certain situation.
This wife suffered internally for years, no one ever suspecting a thing wrong with her marriage. But had
the problem been brought to light much sooner, would he have been more pliable to repentance?
Could things have gone differently? Had he been made accountable, could their marriage have turned
out completely differently?
At the beginning of this post, we looked at Scripture that seems to support staying in a marriage, no
matter how unhealthy the circumstances. But in order to properly interpret Scripture, one must look at
the Word of God as a whole, for God’s Word does not contradict itself.
In order to properly interpret Scripture, one must look at
the Word of God as a whole, for God’s Word does not
contradict itself.
3. pg. 3
God’s view on sinful habits
Here’s what God has to say about sin, which can be applied when a spouse is regularly living in sin.
1. Don’t cover sin.
When the husband is allowed to wallow in sin without accountability to a few trusted, godly friends, and
definitely yourself, he will not make a change. Same goes for a wife, or anyone else entrenched in sin.
Change requires necessary pain, growth, and accountability.
There is simply no way around this truth.
Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity,
strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissentions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like
these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of
God. Galatians 5:19-21, ESV
(Also see I Corinthians 6:9-20 - flee sexual sin.)
He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.
Proverbs 28:13, NKJV
2. Do confront
Confront your husband about his behavior, be it substance abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse,
infidelity, or anything else that contributes to ungodliness and negative behavior.
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of
gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so
fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1-2
Change requires necessary pain, growth, and
accountability.
4. pg. 4
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you,
you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that
every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to
them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile
and a tax collector. Matthew 18:15-17
Incidentally, this passage in Matthew is the same passage where Jesus exhorts forgiveness to seventy
times seven (verse 22). Viewing Scripture as a whole, and particularly this passage, we will see that
although God wants us to forgive, He also expects us to hold one another accountable!
3. Restore gently
A spirit of gentleness means,
“I love you, and I want to see you fully restored to a relationship with Christ.”
The term restore signifies repentance and restoration, a healed, forgiven spirit with intent to leave
behind old habits/sins.
4. Bear one another’s burdens
This does not mean endure the fact that your brother (in this case, husband) is in sin. It means to bear
in relation to keeping him accountable!
The law of Christ fulfilled means
Love your neighbor as yourself (Galatians 5:14). The ultimate act of love for your husband means
encouraging Him to have a relationship with Christ.
5. pg. 5
5. Get help
Confide in a godly, trusted source such as your pastor, an older woman, or a close friend. If you are not
sure whether you need help, confide anyway.
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up
his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Ecclesiastes
4:9-10, ESV
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. I Thessalonians 5:11,
ESV
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15, ESV
Dear wife, you cannot do this alone. You need support! Wise counsel will give you the impetus you
need to take the action of tough love.
One more thought on adultery:
...Once an affair has begun, the marriage has already been breached. “What God has joined
together (Genesis), some man (or woman) has put asunder. If you want to put it back together,
you have to take definite action. I urge wives in particular to take a hard, independent line and
be willing to separate from their husbands temporarily until they can solve this matter together.
Whatever they do, they must make it clear to the straying spouse that they will not put up with
this.” ~Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs; Building an Affair-proof Marriage
You see, we must take a stand against blatant sin. To not do so is to enable our husbands to continue in
those unhealthy actions.
You need support, wise counsel, and tough love.
6. pg. 6
Commonly misunderstood views from Scripture
Wives frequently quote Scripture that advocates marriage in effort to follow Christ’s commands. While
this should be a regular practice, there are some commonly misunderstood views when it comes to
unhealthy boundaries in marriage.
1. Unconditional love (forgiving 70x7)
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are also to
love one another. By this, all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.
John 13:34-35
What Christ’s version of unconditional love looks like:
Just as I have loved you – Christ loved everyone, and therefore, he spoke truth, teaching to flee from sin
and love God more.
Are you loving like that? Are you encouraging him to stop sinning and come to Christ?
You are my disciples if you have love for one another
Since when did the disciples condone sin? They loved everyone and preached the word to all, but they
did not allow sin to run rampant nor be tolerated. They restored to the fellowship in love!
That is true love-Christ’s love-that all should come to repentance!
Christ’s love has a view for eternity. His biggest priority is not for your husband to stop snorting,
sleeping around, or hitting. His biggest priority is for your husband to come to know Himself as Savior
and Lord and develop a relationship with Him.
When a truly repentant soul comes to Christ, God changes his habits from the inside out. Forgiving
seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22) means that when someone wrongs you, you have a responsibility
from the Lord to forgive, because Christ forgave.
But Christ died that all would come to repentance, and a result of repentance is a changed lifestyle.
Forgiveness of sins does not require anything on our part, and you can still forgive your husband. You
can still model God’s unconditional love and forgiveness without accepting abusive or manipulative
behavior.
Christ draws healthy boundaries, and we as His followers should too. Remember when he drove the
money changers out of the temple? Remember His many rebukes to the Pharisees? Christ’s love in
action is based on God’s truth in action.
Look at the entire passage of Matthew eighteen and not just verse twenty-two (forgive seventy times
seven). The whole chapter is speaking of Christ’s seeking and restoration. The wicked servant did not
forgive the debt, and he was condemned to hell because he had already been forgiven an even much
greater debt, yet did not bestow the same forgiveness.
7. pg. 7
What does that have to do with forgiving our husbands? Everything. God gave consequences for the
man’s sin. God had already forgiven him, just has He has already forgiven the world (and your
husband—but the ball is now in his court, and there will be consequences for unrepentance).
Likewise, you can forgive your husband, and you should, but you must establish consequences, or
boundaries, for his misbehavior.
2. Submissiveness to my husband
a. Submission is mutual respect
Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:25
Ephesians 5:22-32 is speaking to the church:
Wives, submit to your husbands, as unto the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ
is the head of the church.
Christ loved the church and gave himself for it-that is how husbands are to treat wives.
The husband has a responsibility in the marriage as much as the wife. Is your husband treating you
with love and respect as Christ would? Obviously, we all err to a certain degree and grace must have a
part in any marriage, but if your husband is expecting you to obey even as He is disrespectful to you, the
marriage, and God, this is where you must develop boundaries.
Christ never takes away our will or asks us to do something hurtful. He never pushes us past our limits.
He never uses us as objects. Christ ‘gave Himself up’ for us. He takes care of us as He would His own
body. ~ Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries; When to say yes, when to say no to Take Control of your Life
(Aff link)
b. Another side to “respectful and pure conduct of wives”
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may
be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. I
Peter 3:1, NKJV
8. pg. 8
Respectful and pure conduct means respect toward your husband and God, and also purity unto your
husband and God.
I believe this passage means that we wives are to be respectful and pure towards God and also our
husbands. Purity means not taking a part in sexual immorality or anything else listed in the Bible as sin.
If you know that your husband is openly sleeping with someone else, for you to sleep with him is not
only impure conduct, but knowingly allowing that conduct while living with him (or servicing him) is
sin.
If your husband is hiding sin, however, and you cannot prove it but you suspect it, confrontation is
necessary.
c. The goal is to win Him to Christ
What Peter is trying to convey is that our utmost goal is that our husbands will come to love God. If you
have an unsaved husband, respecting him with a gentle, quiet spirit will win him over much faster than
the cantankerous dripping of a nagging wife. (I Peter 3:1)
So if your husband is unsaved but not partaking in the extreme practices of adultery, abuse, etc., a
gentle, quiet, pure spirit may eventually win Him over and is what God desires.
3. Trusting God without taking responsibility
To do nothing is to keep silent about injustice. Yes, we must trust God to work in our husband’s lives,
but we have a responsibility before God to act.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. James 4:17, ESV
Scripture states again and again, as we have seen, that we have a responsibility to hold one another
accountable. Many of these passages refer to believers holding other believers accountable, yes.
However, your marriage is a legal union and therefore, you are bound to your mate to do the right thing.
Do you want to bless your husband? Then hold him accountable. Do you want him to recover? Then
help him do it. A believer is to who Christ’s love in action, and sometimes that means taking hard steps.
Jesus said to them, “If you were blind, you would have no guilt; but now that you say, ‘We see’, your guilt
remains. John 9:41
9. pg. 9
Taking responsibility for someone’s anger, pouting, and disappointments by giving in to that person’s
demands or controlling behavior destroys love in a marriage. Instead of taking responsibility for people
we love, or rescuing them, we need to show responsibility to them by confronting evil when we see it.
This is truly loving our partner and the marriage. The most responsible behavior possible is usually the
most difficult. ~Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries (Aff link)
When divorce is acceptable (but not ideal)
God made provision for divorce in Scripture, but very reluctantly. He knew that man was going to make
a mess of things, and so he allowed for two specific instances:
1. Adultery (Matthew 19:8-9)
2. When a spouse is not saved and leaves home (1 Corinthians 7:15)
Even though God reluctantly allowed for divorce, His desire is for us to work out our marriages.
In His time, God can make a marriage beautiful again, if a couple is willing to work through the pain. I’ve
seen it happen, and it is a beautiful thing.
However, both parties must be willing to make it work. Pray, pray, pray!
10. pg. 10
In Conclusion
Dear wife, God wants your marriage to work! But He does not condone unhealthy practices in marriage,
and he does not expect you to let your husband use you for ungodly gain. Remember, your body is the
temple of the Holy Spirit (I Corinthians 6:19-20) and your ultimate responsibility is to glorify God in your
body.
I encourage you to look up all references to Scripture in this post, pray over them, and seek wise,
godly counsel. Believe it or not, God can save your marriage, and many times that means you must hold
your errant husband accountable before change will begin to take place.
As always, you can contact me for prayer support. I’m happy to bring your requests before the throne,
and that is a part of my ministry here at Rear Release Regroup {dot} com. I would love to know your
thoughts.
Listed below are a few more resources on the topic of marriage and tough love. Some are completely
free, so be sure to take advantage of them!
Praying for you, sister in Christ!
~Ruthie
RearReleaseRegroup.com
