This is an evolving powerpoint that goes along with a paper I am writing on the impact of technology. Here is the abstract of the paper. The PPT is not was well organized yet, but it has served as a place to kepe my notes. "Much is in the news today about what is becoming of the next generation. Discussants usually say one of two things. On one side, researchers say that technology will impact a child's development and lead to increases in narcissism. Others feel that there is nothing to be alarmed about and this is a common cry of every newer generation about the older. Using the current research as well as experiences from the classroom and consulting room, the author in this paper uses a psychoanalytic frame to redefine the question and hopefully establish a more practical way about thinking and feeling about technology, narcissism, and the state of things to come. "

1. Narcissism and Technology-
Symptom, Cause, or Carry On?
Is technology blocking maturation,
preventing age appropriate egocentrism
from fading and leaving a rise in
Narcissism?

2. How do we learn to relate to one
another?

3. Marcel Mauss’s The Gift details his observations
of various Trobriand Islander’s potlatch
ceremonies where etiquette is learned:
• Who gives gifts to who
• How long to you wait “in debt” and in what
amount is the returned gift
• What does it all mean?

4. How do we learn it?

5. Is it funny –
or too true?

6. Oh no! Is this a presentation about
how technology is bad?
• No- In fact, I love technology when it is in its
place. I used PowerPoint, Google search, my
iPhone, email, and tape recordings to make this
presentation easy.
• My goal is in fact to have you think about the
following question: Which way does this go?
– Does our use of technology reflect something about
us as a people? (inside influences outside)
– Does technology shape us? (outside influences in)
– OR …

8. Social Maturation
• What skills do you need to “hang out” with
friends?
• Waiting turns (to talk, play a game, respond in a classroom)
• Listening to one another
• Cooperating and Sharing time (others get to have a share of the time and
occasionally decide where things will go next)
Can you imagine being without these basic
social skills?

9. Is Technology causing blocks in
maturation?
• Can early life experiences impact social
maturation?
– The drive to move from parallel to cooperative
play requires that the child struggle (get optimal
frustration) with the previously mentioned social
skills… so
Would a child take the easy road if given a chance to
NOT have to wait turns, cooperate, and share….

10. Could technology interfere with the progression or regress us?

11. Is age-appropriate egocentrism
remaining as a narcissistic trait?
I plan to present:
Data from Sherry Turkle on relationships and
impacts of computers
Data from Twenge-Arnette Debate
A theoretical frame from the Psychoanalytic world
to answer both

12. “I found 3 stages in children's relationships with
computers. 1st there is a metaphysical stage:
when very young children meet computers they
are concerned with whether the machines think,
feel, are alive. Older children from age 7 or 8 on,
are less concerned with speculating about the
nature of the world than with mastering it. For
many of them the 1st time they stand in front of
a computer they can master is when they play
their 1st videogame”
p 18 Turkle (1984) Second Self

13. Today’s Teens?
“Today’s Teens: More Materialistic, Less Willing To Work”
Study compared attitudes of three generations of
American HS seniors (1976-2007).
2005 –
62% lots of money is important (vs 48% from 1976-78).
25% said work was important (vs 39% in 70s).
“This type of ‘fantasy gap’ is consistent with other studies
showing a generational increase in narcissistism and
entitlement.”

14. A rise in Narcissism?
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is 3x’s
as high for people in their 20s as for the
generation currently 65 or older.
• 58% of college students scored higher on
narcissism scale in 2008 than in 1982
• 40% of “millenials” believe they should be
promoted every two years, regardless of
performance.
Time Magazine, 2013, May 20th The New Greatest Generation: Why Millenials will save us all.

15. A rise in Narcissism?
Of Millennials (b1980-2000) … “Their
development is stunted: more people ages 18-
29 live with their parents than with a spouse…
and they are lazy. In 1992, the nonprofit
Families and Work Institute reported that 80%
of people under 23 wanted to one day have a
job with greater responsibility; 10 years later,
on 60% did.”
Time Magazine, 2013, May 20th The New Greatest Generation: Why Millenials will save us all.

16. Millennials
In the 70s, people wanted to instill self esteem,
“It turns out that self-esteem is great for
getting a job or hooking up at a bar but not so
great for keeping a job or a relationship.”
And, the side effect of all that narcissism?
Entitlement!
Time Magazine, 2013, May 20th The New Greatest Generation: Why Millenials will save us all.

17. Millenials
Millennials are interacting all day but almost
entirely through a screen… They might look
calm, but they’re deeply anxious about
missing out on something better. p29
Time Magazine, 2013, May 20th The New Greatest Generation: Why Millenials will save us all.

18. The Future of An Illusion
• Freud’s idea was that religion replaces and
becomes the depository of the wish for a
perfect person out there-
• This denies the fact that all relationships
include experiences of pain- narcissistic
injuries.
• Interestingly the lowest level of Dante’s
Inferno is inhabited by the traitors- truly those
responsible for narcissistic injuries…

19. Dante’s 9th Circle
We know we are in the
unconscious, because of the
dual existence of both the
wish and the fear – the self-defeating
elements of Satan
encased in ice, something
that we usually don’t
imagine, trying to break free,
by flying out, only to find
that his wings flapping cause
the ice to never melt. He is
thought to be consuming:
Judas Iscariot
And Cain who killed his
brother.

20. Briefly, a Psychoanalytic
Understanding of Narcissism

21. Adam Phillips, On Missing Out
Tragedies begin with a person in an emerging
state of frustration, beginning to feel the need
of something; and at the beginning, for the
protagonists, they are not yet tragedies.
“ growing up is always an undoing of what
needed to be done: first, ideally, we are made
to feel special; then we are expected to enjoy
a world in which we are not.”

22. Stories tell us a lot about the authors
theory of mind…
• Narcissus
• The Lady of Shallot

23. For Narcissus… Born of Rape…
One day the river god Cephisus impregnates the
water nymph Liriope after forcing himself upon
her.
After she gives birth to a boy, called Narcissus.
She has trouble mirroring him… there is a distance
and lack of the intimacy dance (not even 30%)
She asks the prophet Tiresias about his future…
Tiresias answers “If he ever knows himself, he
surely dies.”

24. Narcissus- missed out on early
mirroring.
• …in the psychoanalytic tradition, one speaks about
narcissism not to indicate people who love themselves,
but a personality so fragile that it needs constant
support. It cannot tolerate the complex demands of
other people but tries to relate to them by distorting
who they are and splitting off what it needs, what it
can use.. P177(Turkle, 2011)…
• This often leads to the feelings others have that the
narcissist is the only person in the room. They can’t
tolerate the threat of narcissistic injury others pose.
(Intolerance and inability to share, take turns, etc.?)

25. What is in our own mind?
What expectations do we bring with us about
relationships? - -conscious or unconscious?
What are the blueprints for our future
relationships?

26. The Lady of Shallot
Trapped in her tower because she
feels cursed- nothing specific- but
feels that directly interfacing with
the world will bring on bad things-so
she uses technology, her mirror
and loom, to capture the world.

27. One day, she sees Lancelot in the mirror and
and looks outside herself. The mirror
cracks and she feels the curse is upon her.

28. She gets in a boat in the river, thin dress of satin, bed of roses-and
freezes to death.
Suicide? Or Curse?

29. What is age-appropriate egocentrism
and what is pathological narcissism?
Freud (1914) “We may conclude… with a a
short survey of the paths leading to object
choice. A person may love, according to
narcissistic type:
– What he is himself (actually himself)
– What he once was
– What he would like to be
– Someone who was once part of himself (p47)

30. Might we choose the easy way out?
• Growing up and being an adult sucks!
– People want you to use your words instead of
them just reading your mind
– You have to wait your turn
– You have to share
– You have to cooperate
Sounds familiar? Why be frustrated when you
don’t have to be? So…

31. Gen ME or WE?
The Twenge / Arnette debate
GEN ME: Millennial growing up with the net, aka A
Millennial Edition
Today’s under-35 young people are the real Me
Generation, or, as I call them, Generation Me.
Born after self-focus entered the cultural
mainstream, this generation has never known a
world that put duty before self. (pg 1)
Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans
Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled--and
More Miserable Than Ever Before

32. • , Whitney Houston’s No. 1 hit song declared that “The
Greatest Love of All” was loving yourself.
• legalized abortion, and a cultural shift toward
parenthood as a choice made us the most wanted
generation of children in American history. (p4)
• I am also not saying that this generation is selfish. For
one thing, youth volunteering has risen in the last
decade. As long as time spent volunteering does not
conflict with other goals, GenMe finds fulfillment in
helping others. We want to make a difference.
• some very convincing evidence that depression and
anxiety are markedly more prevalent among younger
generations. These shifts in averages are important.

33. • some very convincing evidence that depression
and anxiety are markedly more prevalent among
younger generations. These shifts in averages are
important. p9
• Only 1% to 2% of Americans born before 1915
experienced a major depressive episode during
their lifetimes, even though they lived through
the Great Depression and two world wars. p105
• Today, the lifetime rate of major depression is ten
times higher—between 15% and 20%. Some
studies put the figure closer to 50%. In one 1990s
study, 21% of teens aged 15 to 17 had already
experienced major depression. P105.

34. • Replicating Asch’s study: in 1980, they got completely different
results: few people conformed to the group anymore. Apparently, it
was no longer fashionable to go along with the group even when
they were wrong. The authors of the study concluded that the Asch
study was “a child of its time.”
• It goes beyond manners—people today are less likely to follow all
kinds of social rules. Business professor John Trinkaus finds that
fewer people now slow down in a school zone, and fewer observe
the item limit in a supermarket express lane. More people cut
across parking lots to bypass stoplights. In 1979, 29% of people
failed to stop at a particular stop sign in a New York suburb, but by
1996 a stunning 97% of drivers did not stop at all. In Trinkaus’s most
ironic finding, the number of people who paid the suggested fee for
lighting a candle at a Catholic church decreased from 92% to 28%
between the late 1990s and the early 2000s. In other words, 72% of
people cheated the church out of money in the most recent
observation.
• Cheating in school has also increased. In 2002, 74% of high school
students admitted to cheating, up from 61% in 1992.

35. • “Downsizing” and “outsourcing” are the modern
corporate equivalents of rudeness—and a lot
more devastating.
• When we’re all on a first-name basis, the specter
of authority takes yet another step back into the
shadows of a previous era.
• Religion being highly individualized (Arnette,
fewer than 23% are conservative) is like a
personal relationship with “Jesus” over his father
• The Narcissistic wound caused by listening to
others (pg 40) is preferred even at the expense of
no one in class liking the person who interrupts
all the time

36. • In the late 1990s, Prudential replaced its longtime
insurance slogan “Get a Piece of the Rock” with the nakedly
individualistic “Be Your Own Rock.” The United States Army,
perhaps the last organization one might expect to focus on
the individual instead of the group, has followed suit. Their
standard slogan, adopted in 2001, is “An Army of One.”
• Some people have wondered if the self-esteem trend
waned after schools began to put more emphasis on testing
during the late 1990s. It doesn’t look that way. Parenting
books and magazines stress self-esteem as much as ever,
and a large number of schools continue to use self-esteem
programs.
• Teacher training courses often emphasize that a child’s self-esteem
must be preserved above all else. A sign on the wall
of one university’s education department says, “We Choose
to Feel Special and Worthwhile No Matter What.”

37. • In 2004, 48% of American college freshmen—almost
half—reported earning an A average in high school,
compared to only 18% in 1968, even though SAT scores
decreased over this time period.
• All evidence suggests that narcissism is much more
common in recent generations. In the early 1950s, only
12% of teens aged 14 to 16 agreed with the statement
“I am an important person.” By the late 1980s, an
incredible 80%—almost seven times as many—claimed
they were important.
• Psychologist Bonnie Zucker, interviewed for a People
magazine article on “Kids Out of Control,” saw a 10-
year-old whose parents let him decide whether or not
to go to school—if he didn’t want to go, he didn’t go.

38. • the people who talk loudly on their cell phones,
oblivious to their effect on others. GenMe didn’t
pioneer this trend—it’s popular among middle-aged
people as well—but young people are
certainly continuing it. It’s not the technology
that causes the problem, but the attitude that
comes with it, an attitude that captures the trend
toward self-importance better than almost
anything else. “Years ago, cell phones were the
province of the powerful, but now that they are
mass-market items, everyone has delusions of
grandeur,” (p103)

39. • It’s almost as if we are starving for affection.
“There is a kind of famine of warm
interpersonal relations, of easy-to-reach
neighbors, of encircling, inclusive
memberships, and of solid family life,” argues
political scientist Robert Lane. To take the
analogy a little further, we’re malnourished
from eating a junk-food diet of instant
messages, e-mail, and phone calls, rather than
the healthy food of live, in-person interaction.
Twenge, ME, p110

40. Society’s Mirror in Film
I like to say that modern movies have only four
themes: “Believe in yourself and you can do
anything,” “We are all alike underneath,” “Love
conquers all,” and “Good people win.” (Do try this
at home; almost every recent movie fits one of
the four.) All of these themes tout the focus on
the self so common today; in fact, it is downright
stunning to realize just how well movies have
encapsulated the optimistic, individualistic
message of modern Western culture. Twenge,
Gen ME.

41. Society’s Mirror in Film
• The rise in the 90’s of Vampires-
– Anne Rice
– Twiglight
– Vampire Diaries
• The rise in the last decade of Zombies
– Are you a zombie? Bony? Human?
– An interest in Zombies tends to spike when the
economy sputters- Sarah Juliet Lauro, Clemson
University, NYT 7/31/13, “At zombie races, It is survival
of the undeadest”,

42. Warm Bodies: Zombies
• Undead- The Living Dead
• Limited real talking/communication between
themselves
• Generally operating on lowest common
denominator- reptilian brain
• Some remnants of humanness- clothing, etc.
• Experience hunger
• “lack” = collector/hoarder
• “musical tastes”= ???
• Live in the airport

43. Warm Bodies: Bonies
• Anger- “they’ll eat anything with a heartbeat, but at
least I am conflicted about it.”
• Hopeless- given up, “this is what I have to look forward
to”; “we all become them someday”
• Naked- nothing but raw exposed bone

44. Warm Bodies: Humans
• Alive- but what kind of life? “My fathers idea of living is
putting us in a box and waiting for us to die.”
• Brave? – is adherence to a rule brave? It gets Perry killed.
(Julie – yes, as the exception)
• Projection- uncaring, unfeeling, incapable of remorse,
“sound like anyone we know dad?”

45. Why Zombies?

46. Why Zombies (cont)
But what if the lack is the result of technology?
The scene before the first attack, there is a PSP working.

47. “Be Dead”
•R is a collector/hoarder- Very Klienian to incorporate, as
Zombies do.
•Playing a Vinyl record, “You’re a purist”, “Just sounds more real-more
alive. “
•Images of connection are mostly nostalgia: snow globe, old-time
3D Stereo-viewer, photos with a Polaroid (not digital)
•Re: Perry– Lots of bad things happened to him, he was dead
before R killed him, she “already kinda knew” R had killed him.
•Perry’s death becomes revolting to R and he spits out the
brains. But, he will kill for Julie, even hits Marcus.
•Hand holding at the airport gets them through.
•The Dead do not sleep [dream, bleed, get cold.]
•So are the dead more alive than the humans?

48. Technology is simpler…
Love your body,
friends, and life
Online
with an avatar.
“Now, pleased with your looks, you have the
potential, as Second Life puts it, to live a life that
will enable you to love your life.” p158

49. Signs and Symptom
Do you see signs that people have
fewer connections? What are they?

50. A patient recently told me about a
new game…

53. But isn’t this what they said about
the printing press, locomotives, TV,
etc?

54. Is Social Media Really Social ?

55. Alone Together…
…Drawn by the illusion of companionship without the
demands of intimacy,
We conduct “risk free” affairs on Second Life and confuse
the scattershot postings on a Facebook wall with
authentic communication…
We are promised “sociable robots” that will marry
companionship with convenience. …
We may be free to work from anywhere, but we are also
prone to being lonely everywhere. In a surprising twist,
relentless connection leads to a new solitude.
We turn to new technology to fill the void, but as
technology ramps up, our emotional lives ramp down.

56. Turkle and Colbert:
Don’t get rid of technology, but put it in its place!

57. Siri: Conversation or Connection
Mobile phones were used to
connect people, but now
with Siri- we connect with
our phone.
We are tempted by machines
that offer companionship
forgetting difference
between conversation and
connection.

58. Siri Argument

59. Brevity is the source of… a self-fulfilling
prophecy spiraling downward
“ I answer questions I can
answer right away, And
people want me to
answer them right away.
But it’s not only the
speed… the questions
have changed to ones
that I can answer right
away.” p166

60. I share, therefore I am?
Being alone feels like a problem that has to be
solved.
Old way: I am having a feeling- I am going to
call someone.
New way: I am having a feeling- I am going to
broadcast it
Is anyone listening?

61. Tosh.O on BLOGS
“Blogs are the worst side effect of a society where
everyone thinks they are someone special. It’s less like
having your own TV show and more like face timing
with yourself… I understand people feel uncomfortable
(and can’t talk face-to-face)… I feel uncomfortable
when my maid brings her daughter over with her to
clean… Make something of yourself before you share
your views with the world. Now any kid with a strong
wifi connection and two working parents thinks I am
going to care what they bought at Sehpora. People
who are busy doing things with their lives don’t have
20 minutes to write a scathing review of Redick…

62. Betrayed?
Looking to games for amusement is one thing.
Looking to them for a life is another. P226
• With social robots, we are alone and imagine
ourselves together… we are together but so
lessen our expectations of other people [so
much] that we can feel utterly alone.
• In both cases our devices keep us distracted.

63. Making Robots Human- NYT 2013
Until recently, most robots were carefully separated from humans. They have
largely been used in factories to perform repetitive tasks that required speed,
precision and force. That generation of robots is dangerous, and they have
been caged and fenced for the protection of workers.
But the industrial era of robotics is over. And robots are beginning to move
around in the world.
More and more, they are also beginning to imitate — and look like — humans.
And they are beginning to perform tasks as humans do, too.
Today’s robot designers believe that their creations will become therapists,
caregivers, guides and security guards, and will ultimately perform virtually
any form of human labor. (Robots that can think on their own — that is,
perform with high levels of artificial intelligence — have yet to arrive.)

64. 3 Gratifying Illusions from Technology
• The Tribe of 1
– Even the Army is now advertising to the ARMY OF
ONE.
• We will always be heard
• We will never be alone

65. Maslow’s Pyramid V Self Esteem
Love and Belonging
come BEFORE Self-
Esteem, not after it.

66. …we are promised “sociable robots” that will
marry companionship with convenience…
• Social Robots deployed to work with elderly, freeing up nurses
(replacing them?)
– Patients seem to respond
– But can you be helped without someone understanding
the meaning of what you say?
– Check out Eliza. on the web…
Do we need to accept that humans deserve to be
understood in a context of meaning… not with a computer
program that ultimately can deceive us.

67. We are not as strong as technology’s
pull…
Our neurochemical response to every ping and
ring tone seems to be the one elicited by the
“seeking” drive, a deep motivation of the
human psyche. Connectivity becomes a
craving; when receive a text or an email, our
nervous system responds by giving us a shot
of dopamine. We are stimulated by
connectivity itself. We learn to require it as it
depletes us. … Technology is bad because
people are not as strong as its pull. P227

68. Case Study Research

69. Slip of the tongue…
“I’ll pull up my friend… uh, my phone.” p175-76
“pulling out” her phone, …she doesn’t really
correct herself so much as imply that the
phone is her friend and that friends take on
identities through her phone.

70. …Drawn by the illusion of companionship
without the demands of intimacy…
Hannah says, “Ian is the person who knows me best.”
Hannah doesn’t want to add an audio or video channel
to their encounters. As things are, Hannah is able to
imagine Ian as she wished him to be. And he can
imagine her as he wisher her to be. The idea that we
can be exactly what the other desires is a powerful
fantasy. Among other things, it seems to promise that
the other will never, ever, have reason to leave. Feeling
secure as an object of desire (because the other is able
to imagine you as the perfect embodiment of his or her
desire) is one of the deep pleasures of internet life.
P249.

71. Why be afraid of connection? What
would we lose if we were “really”
connected?
“An affinity for solitude is comparable only to
one’s affinity for certain other people. And
yet one’s first experience of solitude, like one’s
first experience of the other, is fraught with
danger.”
P 27,Phillips, A. On balance.

72. The capacity for solitude is related to
the capacity for relationship.

73. Yalom – Love’s Executioner
”…therapist must discourage false solutions.
One's efforts to escape isolation can sabotage
one's relationships with other people. Many a
friendship or marriage has failed because,
instead of relating to, and caring for, one
another, one person uses another as a shield
against isolation. p11

74. Adolescent Development:
Identity v Role Confusion & the
Process of Individuation
Is calling home all the time a problem?
I would have thought [calling home all the time problematic]… I
would have encouraged her to explore difficulties with
separation. I would have assumed that these had to be
addressed for her to proceed to successful adulthood. But
these days, a college student who texts home fifteen times a
day is not unusual. P178.

75. Growing Up Tethered…
“Today’s adolescents have no less need than those of previous
generations to express feelings. They need time to discover
themselves, time to think. But speed and brevity, has changed the
rules of engagement with all of this. When is downtime, when is
stillness? The text-driven world of rapid response does not make
self-reflection impossible but does little to cultivate it. When
interchanges are reformatted for the small screen and reduced to
the emotional shorthand of emoticons, there are necessary
simplifications. And what of adolescents’ need for secrets, for
making out what is theirs alone? Traditionally, the development of
intimacy required privacy. Intimacy without privacy reinvents what
intimacy means. Separation, too, is being reinvented. Tethered
children know they have a parent on tap. (p172) … the tethered
child does not have the experience of being alone with only him or
herself to count on. (173, emphasis added).

76. But doesn’t having the chance to play
a different character help the shy child
develop outgoing skills?

77. Acting Out v Working Through
In thinking about online life, it helps to distinguish
between what psychologists call acting out and
working through.
In acting out, you take the conflicts you have in the
physical real and express them again and again in
the virtual. There is much repetition and little
growth.
In working though, you use the materials of online
life to confront the conflicts of the real and
search for new resolutions. P214

78. Is that what happens?

79. From Multiplayer to Bots as Players
The dictionary says that “humane” implies
compassion and benevolence. Adam’s story
has taken us to the domain of compassion and
benevolence toward inanimate. There are
echoes here of the fist rule of the Tamagotchi
primer: we nurture what we love, and we love
what we nurture… Adam plays at gratifications
he does not believe will come to him any
other way. p223

80. To Paraphrase Shakespeare:
We are consumed by what we are nourished by.
-Sonnet 73

82. Born for Love?
• 25% [of Americans] say that they trust no one
at all with intimate secrets...
• Back in 1960 58% of Americans endorsed the
idea that most people can be trusted- but by
2008 this number was down to 32%, (by 1998,
33%- long before the economic crash. P3,
Born for Love)…

83. • If sites (like post secret)
are symptoms, and we
need our symptoms,
what else do we need?
We need trust between
congregants and clergy.
We need parents who
are able to talk with
their children. We need
children who are given
time and protection to
experience childhood.
We need communities.
P238

84. When was the last time you uni-tasked?
• What was it?
• Why did you do it?
• If you can’t remember a time, why not?

85. Multitasking…
Being absent is now the norm or equivalent for
being fully connected…
•Problems in relationships- including with ourselves
•The Goldilocks Effect- we can’t tolerate too much or too
little, it has to be just right…
• It might appear we can’t get enough of others.. But this is
only true as long as we can keep control of how much,
when, etc.
• What is wrong with conversation for most? It’s in real time
and not able to be controlled.

86. Multitasking v Unitasking
Every additional task decreases performance.
Brown, R. (2010). Multitasking Gets You There Later.
InfoQ. Retrieved from
http://www.infoq.com/articles/multitasking-problems
Nass in the Proceedings of the National Academy of
Science. PNAS September 15, 2009 vol. 106 no. 37
15583-15587

87. We are reinforced and continue our multitasking
because of behavioral shaping or some
internal biological reaction to the joy of
completion. Even if we don’t always see its
ineffectiveness-- much like the gambling
addict who uses 3 different slot machines,
pouring quarters into them in the hopes of a
payout. p227

88. How is cognitive development
impacted by this?
“Development occurs in a context and the context determines
development” – Gullotta
David Elkin’s comments in CIO.com (2003!):
There is considerable disagreement among experts regarding
the effects of technology on child growth and
development. Some regard technology as advancing
intellectual development. Others worry that technology
may overstimulate and actually impair brain functioning.

89. One of the problems is that most researchers have taken too
narrow a focus on the issue. They have looked at the impact
of a particular technology rather than at the technological
environment as a whole. One might argue that taken as an
aggregate, technologies such as computers, television and cell
phones create a digital culture that has to be looked upon in
its entirety rather than piecemeal. The question becomes:
What is it like growing up in a high-tech world, and how
does that differ from growing up at an earlier time?
Part of the answer lies in the fact that the digital youth has a
greater facility with technology than their parents and other
adults.

90. • fast and getting faster-
• lack of respect for the older generation, “they don’t get it”-
• The high-tech culture has also changed children’s social relationships.
– games, riddles, rhymes, jibes and so on that were adapted to the child’s immediate
environment. …The culture of childhood made it easy for a child to become part of a group. All
she had to do was learn the language and lore. Such play rituals were passed down in the city
streets and in country glens. They were intergenerational and made it easier for parents and
children to connect.
• This traditional culture of childhood is fast disappearing. In the past two decades
alone, according to several studies, children have lost 12 hours of free time a
week, and eight of those lost hours were once spent in unstructured play and
outdoor pastimes.) In part, that is a function of the digital culture, which provides
so many adult-created toys, games and amusements. Game Boys and other
electronic games are so addictive they dissuade children from enjoying the
traditional games. Yet spontaneous play allows children to use their imaginations,
make and break rules, and socialize with each other to a greater extent than when
they play digital games. While research shows that video games may improve
visual motor coordination and dexterity, there is no evidence that it improves
higher level intellectual functioning. Digital children have fewer opportunities to
nurture their autonomy and originality than those engaged in free play.

91. When connection goes awry.
What are the implications?

92. The Case of Leon
Leon (age 16) murdered a 12 and 13 year old girl
in his apartment complex after they refused
his sexual advances.
He killed them, raped them, and then kicked
them. His blood covered shoes eventually led
to his arrest when his brother Frank called the
police. His parents were shocked.

93. What happened to Leon that got him
here?
• What does it take to make a murder?
– Nature?
– Nurture?

94. Leon’s Assessment
• Verbal IQ- low to normal range
• Performance IQ- Above average/High
– He could read social situations and understand
others intentions
– He didn’t know that he should feel remorseful..
“he simply wasn’t capable of taking into account
the feelings of others in any way other than to
take advantage of them.” p104
HOW CAN THIS BE UNDERSTOOD?

95. Leon’s Character
• didn’t when punished or praised
• He learned to use flattery, flirtation and other
forms of manipulation to get what he wanted.
• He lied. If he got caught in a lie, he was
indifferent.

96. Empathy
Empathy underlies virtually everything that makes a
society work- trust, altruism, collaboration, love,
charity. Failure to empathize is a key part of most
social problems- crime, violence, war, racism,
child abuse, inequity. Difficulties with empathy or
misperceptions of another's feelings also cause
problems in communication relationships and
business... P4, Born for Love
What about Leon’s empathy?

97. What about nature-nurture?
Nature?
• Frank (Leon’s brother) turned him in – clearly
he felt something for others.
– “Siblings share at least 50% of their genes. While
Frank could have been genetically blessed with a
far greater capacity for empathy than Leon, it was
unlikely that this alone accounted for their
different temperaments and life paths.” (107)

98. Who is in control?
Self (Agentic) Other (outside)

99. Nature-Nurture?
• Nurture?
– Maria and Allan raised Frank and Leon – what
happened to Leon?
• They asked if they should have been stricter? Less
strict?
• When Frank was 3yo, they left the home town where
Maria had family to help.
• Maria created a routine for familiarity but without real
connections, she was over whelmed by her limited
capacity and lack of support.
• Leon was left alone to cry when feeding didn’t work.

100. • Early Intervention only educated him to talk
and learn what was expected of him, which he
could fake when he wanted.
– “For him, people were just objects that either
stood in his way or acceded to his needs. “ p114
– “Shunted into Special Ed… he found other peers
who reinforced each others impulsivity… Leon
learned to copy the worst of human behavior, but
remained unable to understand why he should
imitate the best.” p115

101. Interventions that don’t work
• Early Intervention only educated him to talk
and learn what was expected of him, which he
could fake when he wanted.
– “For him, people were just objects that either
stood in his way or acceded to his needs. “ p114
– “Shunted into Special Ed… he found other peers
who reinforced each others impulsivity… Leon
learned to copy the worst of human behavior, but
remained unable to understand why he should
imitate the best.” p115

102. Inconsistent care and abandonment is
worse than abuse.
• “He stopped crying so much”- Maria’s solution worked
in her mind.
– He got attention sometimes, left alone for a day at other
times
– His developing brain’s unpredictable relief from fear,
loneliness, discomfort and hunger keeps a baby’s stress
system on high alert.
– Receiving no consistent, loving response to his fear and
needs, Leon never developed the normal associations
between human contact and relief from stress (p133)
• “This genetic preference produces the seeds of empathy.
However, they can’t sprout on barren ground.” P14, Born For Love

103. Results
• Leon’s learned he could only rely on himself
• He didn’t understand relationships
• Connection was toxic to him.
• He could enjoy material pleasures and
physical sensations (i.e. his developing
sexuality)

104. What is in Store next?

105. We expect more from technology and less from
each other…
We are lonely but afraid of intimacy
Technology provides the illusion of
companionship without the fear of intimacy

106. What can we do?
• Goals: Learn to use devices and technology to make our REAL world
better.
• Individual and Group psychotherapy to aid in the processing of
learning to be with another person- using titration to reach optimal
frustration and make mind (see Liegner, The Hate the Cures)
• Help create supports for new parents (It takes a village and
historically always has!)
– [Humans have been hunter-gathers] , spending the last 150,000 years
being in multigenerational, multifamily groups... In these clans the
ratio of [caregiver adults to for every little one] was 4:1... In the
modern era, however, the relational milieu has collapsed. In 1850 the
average household size in the west was 6 people- today it's 3 fewer. A
full 25% of American live completely alone. Classroom size- 1:30.
Daycare 1:5. That is 1/20th of the relational richness of a "natural"
hunter-gather setting. P6, Born for Love

107. What can we do? (cont)
• Create an infant and child literate society
• Promote physical and emotional needs (not
just intellectual) in schools. Lunch and Recess-
Free time to be creative and play

108. What can we do … cont.
• Balance the desire for risk-free childhoods with
the benefits gained from experiences
• People aren't spoiled by meeting needs, they
spoil from unmet needs.
– Raised with love, they want those around them to be
happy because he sees that his happiness makes them
happy… it is a positive feedback loop (p243)
• Watch out for Selfish Capitalism- it erodes the
propensity for altruism.

109. Be open to imperfections and accept
the fact we are hard wired to struggle.
Qualitative Research/Storyteller Lean into the discomfort
Brene Brown:
The power of
vulnerability
of the work

110. Brown’s Findings
Courage- from heart,
Compassion- for others, but starting with self
Connection- authentic…
What makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful

111. Buy me this…
Consumption causes the pathology partly
because it holds up the false promise that
fixing an internal lack can be done by an
external means, and partly because the
process of working, by which we earn the
money to pay for the goods, is itself
alienating. P50 The Selfish Capitalist

112. The most of important of these to
show, love…
• PATIENCE
– The troubled youth are in some kind of pain (244) It
makes them irritable, anxious, impulsive, needy and
aggressive.
– There is no short term miracle.
– Avoid luring kids back to good behavior, it is only
temporary and externally motivated in those
situations
– Routines and Repetitions
– Pay attention
– Center yourself

113. Is there hope?
EXHUME
Stay Together. Keep safe.
Stay together. We are changing everything.

114. PS – On a personal level
What can you do today?
• Call and wish a happy birthday instead of
Status Updates on Facebook!
• Check email once per day.
• Unitask- starting with driving.
• Start noting why/when you engage in escape
type actions.

116. Other readings

118. St. Lawrence Unplugs for 12 Days:
Identity in Age of Media Class

119. So…
• Is it the internal driving the external?
• The external shaping the internal?
• Or Keep Calm, and carry on.

120. Fromm and Kasser’s Theory
The four basic needs:
Security
 Self-esteem
Good relationships
Authentic experience
Pg 108

121. Knowing the Limbic Brain and
Drive-state creations…
• The roots of empathy emerge from the soil of our
stress response system. We look to our mother’s to
know if something is safe (this underscores another
important aspect of attachment); and this builds the
capacity to self-regulate; and to respond to stress
flexibly. Later we can exercise, breath, meditate, etc;
but it all starts with mother-child.
– ( We still use others throughout life however to help with
this! An infant will die from rejection and isolation (cant do
it-feeding, changing diaper- on their own!) but so can
adults! The mother-child social dance is the first of many…
p 16)

122. Drive Theory and Relationship
• We are DRIVEN to be social beings.
• The most traumatic aspect of disasters involve the
shattering of human connections.
• The breakdown of social connection that is common in
our society increases vulnerability. (p233)
• We have become afraid of “unhealthy” touch and as a
result push a child coming in for a hug away. Dual drive
theory- emphasizing fears and wishes- helps us see
that we in fact are now making it easier for the
predator to offer any touch to the child starved for
affection (235)