This document discusses strategies for having difficult conversations and making progress through diplomacy. It provides tips for individuals such as understanding one's own issues and not taking things personally. For groups, it recommends preparing for meetings by establishing norms, mapping conversations, and using techniques like consensus building. The goal is to have honest dialogs while preserving relationships by focusing on facts, different perspectives, and constructive solutions.
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Commando Diplomacy:Building Skills and Tolerance for Having Difficult Conversations and Making Real Progress
1. Commando Diplomacy
Building Skills and Tolerance for Having Difficult
Conversations and Making Real Progress
By Meg Delaney and Amy Hartman
Toledo-Lucas County Public Library
2. Says WHO?
Meg: Main Library Manager
◦ Covering things we can do as individuals
Amy: Collection Development Librarian,
Union Negotiator, Facilitator
◦ Covering things we can do as part of a
group
3. What can we do?
Fixing other people?
Understanding our own issues
Keeping expectations realistic
Confronting (productively!) rather than
avoiding
6. Taking the Long View
The secret of a drama-free work life
Treat others as you’d like to be treated
Face-saving techniques
Remember: We are each other’s
patrons
7. Success Lives Within
Being fully present
Achieving honest dialog, preserving
relationship going forward
Choosing your response
Visualize success
8. Have a Mentor/Ventor
Joys of working with passionate
people…
Filter/siphon off unproductive feelings
◦ Personally and Professionally
Keep focused on the real issues
9. Mapping conversation for
success
Preparation for calming a tense
situation
◦ Stay calm; avoid anger in your actions or
words
◦ Stick to the facts
◦ Ask for the other person’s
perspective or opinion
◦ Propose your solution
◦ Ask for the other person’s buy-in
10. Prep for a One-on-One
Meeting
Notes for a meeting :
• My critical needs in this meeting
period:
• What’s new:
• Status on continuing projects:
• How can I help you?
• My own professional development:
11. Expanding sphere of
influence
Maintain common sense etiquette
Stay w/in bounds of professional
ethics
Rely on facilitation skills
Stay above the fray/Objectivity
◦ 5,000 feet
◦ Congruence with values/beliefs
◦ Avoiding the “gotcha”s
12. Putting it together :
Preparation
The Clerk/Shelver
◦ Before conversation
Map facts
Get Supervisor on Board
Anticipate and prepare for negativity
Have the conversation
Share proposed solution w/ other appropriate
staff for buy-in
13. Putting it Together: the Event
Clerk/Shelver
◦ Actual Conversation
Who should be there?
Where should it happen?
Follow “Script”
14. Putting it Together: Follow-up
Clerk/Shelver
◦ Post-conversation
Give and get feedback
“Test case” – what can be tweaked?
Catch good habits, praise and encouragement
for job well done
17. Complainer
Acknowledge w/o agreement
◦ “I hear what you’re saying”
Appreciation
◦ Value in their contribution
◦ Reassure them of your confidence in
them and their capacity to develop
18. Cynic
Show interest in their area of expertise
◦ Praise novel thinking
Express confidence in their abilities
◦ Invite them to share wisdom and
experience
◦ Honor them for welcoming the ideas of
others
19. Controller
Honor their initiative and
their desire to do the right thing
Demonstrate delegation and share
benefits of empowering others
Make boundaries clear
20. Caretaker
Commend projects completed in a
timely manner, tough decisions made,
or specific boundaries they’ve
observed
Let them feel connected, graciously
receive their praise
State how much you appreciate when
they set boundaries and make tough
decisions.
21. Handling Emotion
Acknowledge & avoid
ridicule/judgment
Take a break
Sometimes, venting can be useful
◦ System-wide forums for Big Issues
22. Magic Formula
2+1+1
◦ Two positive comments
Plus
◦ One “difficult” issue
Plus
◦ One positive follow-up
23. Dealing with Larger Groups
The uses and abuses of committees
Role of group leaders
◦ Focus on task
◦ Encourage participation
◦ Keep track of duties/results
24. Preparing for Difficult
Meetings
Clear Agenda
Timeframes?
Agree to Norms and Guidelines:
One meeting – keep on track
Agree to Disagree – beware of
interpretation/attack
Participate openly and honestly
Dignity, Respect, Confidentiality
Hanging issues/Parking lot
25. Ideal Behaviors to Agree
Upon
Talk Straight/Create Transparency
Demonstrate Respect and Loyalty
Confront Reality
Practice Accountability and keep
commitments
26. How to Map a Meeting for
Success
Give a face-saving out
◦ Avoid righteous indignation, no matter
how smugly satisfying
Balance a difficult request with a “gift”
– support you can offer to get the
outcome you want
Anticipate negativity
or contrary points
of view
27. Chart
Whole group can see ideas
Removes personal “ownership”
Seeing angry words can help diffuse
Focuses attention
Action items & responsibilities clear for
all to see.
28. Consensus
Point of maximum agreement so that
action can follow.
Buy-in and support are essential for
successful implementation of any plan
29. Consensus is best when:
The solution is not obvious
The solution impacts more than one
person
Time is available for thoughtful
discussion
Commitment to the
solution is important
30. The Numbers Behind
Consensus
70% Comfort Level
◦ Level at which all members “comfortable”
Can agree for the most part w/ decision
no serious disagreement
◦ 70% agreeable,100% committed
Even if the decision isn’t exactly what one
would choose, all will support it with positive
communications/actions
31. Benefits of Achieving
Consensus
Process was fair
Understand decision criteria
Opportunity to be heard
“No” is okay, but alternatives must be
identified/explored
Conflict can be healthy, Q-TIP
32. Before leaving a meeting
Recap, noting what was covered,
action items, assigned responsibility,
time frames/deadlines posted where
all can see and agree on.
Celebrate accomplishments, no matter
how small (beware irony/cynicism)
Amy: A dork will always be a dork, but that doesn’t mean you can’t work with him/her.
Amy
Here are a couple of examples of how to refocus a conversation:Face it – in the Library World there are many people who are “Black and White.”We live in a world of Gray!1. During the course of our book order meetings it became clear that one member of the group had very conservative political views. At one point she became exasperated and expressed that she felt like she was being badgered. At that point it became a personal challenge to “make room” for her views in the room.2. A colleague in our Marketing Department has very long lead time which don’t mesh well with my “just in time” planning. We were at complete logger-heads until I spent more time in her department & began to understand the production pressures she’s under. Now I completely respect her deadlines & expect my direct reports to as well.3. A cataloger was completely at odds with the staff. We didn’t understand her or her choices; she thought we were being unreasonable in our expectations and demands. During a time of short-staffing she was assigned to our reference desk for 1 afternoon per week. Over time, we really broke down barriers and achieved greater understanding.
Get some perspective on these conversations and relationships.Is there a particularly difficult person or situation which you’re facing? Hold that in your mind.Take the long view. You’re going to be working with this person for months if not years. Therefore:Don’t blow up and scream the details of their incompetence from the rooftops! Consider whether you are being perceived equally badly by the other person. How would you want them to approach you about it? Develop face-saving techniques: Give the person the physical and emotional space required to reconsider and reform. Make minor concessions, allow the other person to back away from their view gracefully, focus more on what has been gained than on what has been lost.Just like a transaction with a patron: what is the value of this particular disagreement when measured against the value of retaining their loyalty and patronage for years to come?
Again, we’re not talking about you changing anyone.In my experience, “you can’t tell anybody anything.”These techniques focus on YOU and what you can bring to the situation.Meditation and Hospice emphasize the benefits of being fully present with yourself and with the other person. The mantra is “Be Here. Be Now.”The aim of this isn’t to be preachy and perfect; it’s to meet that person where they are, achieve a level of honest dialogue, and preserve the relationship going forwardWhile you can’t predict what will be thrown at you; your choice lies in your response. Be the person you want to be. What does best-case execution look like? Do that!
Working with passionate people is wonderful… until the directions those passions lead start to conflict.On a personal level, it is a fantastic idea to have a reliable sounding board to bounce ideas and frustrations at and see what should be pursued.An outside interest can help filter away some of the personal baggage we all carry, and focus on what’s important.
Ok, this comes directly from Emily Post! The 18th edition of her always-popular classic is out – this time with the subtitle: Manners For a New World. Peggy, Anna, Lizzie, & Daniel Post preface this section by saying that you should think carefully before engaging the person. What outcome do you want from the conversation? Once you determine the outcome you can develop a solution to achieve your goal. Then, with a solution in mind, take these 5 steps in seeking a resolution that’s mutually agreeable:Stay Calm; Avoid Anger in Your Actions or Words – If you need to, disengage and calm down before initiating a conversation. Your composure will help to calm the other person as well.Stick to the Facts – As soon as you start using suppositions rather than facts, the other person will perceive the unfairness and the conversation degenerates into a defense of each person’s position instead of advancing toward a solution. It also undermines the credibility of your position.Ask For The Other Person’s Perspective or Opinion – Not only is it important to ask for the other person’s side of the story, it’s important to listen carefully. He may have a valid point you hadn’t considered previously. Propose Your Solution – Be willing to negotiate to find a mutually agreeable solution.Ask For the Other Person’s Buy-In – This is the most important step. Without the person’s buy-in at the end of the conversation, nothing has changed. “Velma, are you okay with this approach?”Here’s what I would add that’s not part of the Post Manifesto: as you’re determining the outcome you want from the conversation, anticipate the negativity. How is that person likely to poke holes in your arguments? Address the major points; be ready for the minor ones.What about the non-verbal aspects of your encounter? Be prepared, practice! (in front of a mirror, with a trusted colleague, etc.)
See Aug. 22 example
Over time, in the years and years you will work with co-workers, people may not always remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel. You can be firm, gracious, and good humored all at the same time. It just takes practice and a certain amount of introspection.“Stay within the Bounds of Professional Ethics” is another way of saying “Build and Maintain High Levels of Trust.” Are any of you familiar with Steven Covey’s The Speed of Trust or Smart Trust? I strongly recommend you take a look. He argues that an organization moves faster when colleagues trust each other. Because he’s a Covey, everything is numbered. The first wave is all about you and your credibility. The second wave is about your relationships and how to behave yourself out of problems you’ve behaved yourself into. He outlines 13 specific behaviors. It’s challenging, but do-able and satisfying! The third, fourth, and fifth waves pertain to organizational, market, & societal trust. Reading The Speed of Trust would be an excellent next step if you are inspired to take this further.Amy, do you want to talk about facilitation skills at this point?
Clerk who repeatedly does Shelvers’ work – messes up their work day
Colby and his treats. We must reward the behaviors we wish to see repeated, no matter how much the individual is driving us crazy.
Rather than just reacting…
Every system has a limited number of good committee leaders, use them wisely.
No one gets to “sit and watch” and/or hold the process hostage
If decision has been made, say so.
“gift” example: Cataloger got department clerks to help with flow