How not to be a douche on FetLife and other sexy sites, originally given at MomentumCon 2012. Rules of engagement and best practices for presenting yourself and your interests on alternative community sites.

1. How
not to be DOUCHE
a
Cunning Minx www.polyweekly.com
summary
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2. How
not to be DOUCHE
a
Cunning Minx
www.polyweekly.com
Friday, March 30, 2012 1

3. @cunningminx
WHY.
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4. @cunningminx
WHY.
STRATEGIZE PRESENCE
FOR DATING
Make the best impression to maximize your
hookup potential.
summary
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5. @cunningminx
WHY.
STRATEGIZE PRESENCE
FOR DATING
Make the best impression to maximize your
hookup potential.
FOR REPUTATION
Even if you’re not dating, be aware of community
expectations and how you are coming across.
Friday, March 30, 2012 2

6. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
summary
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7. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
complete
profile
Complete your profile before
hitting on anyone. It’s like
washing your hair and putting
on pants before you leave the
house.
Friday, March 30, 2012 3

8. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
NOT YOUR COCK NOT YOUR GF NOT ANIME NOT STUFF YOU
A cock shot as profile No matter how hot your No matter how much LIKE
photo tells that your girlfriend/wife is, you like anime, visitors We love objectification,
cock is all you have to visitors come to your come to your profile to but visitors come to your
offer. profile to meet YOU. see YOU. profile to meet YOU.
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9. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
Profile photo: looks like YOU
NOT YOUR COCK NOT YOUR GF NOT ANIME NOT STUFF YOU
A cock shot as profile No matter how hot your No matter how much LIKE
photo tells that your girlfriend/wife is, you like anime, visitors We love objectification,
cock is all you have to visitors come to your come to your profile to but visitors come to your
offer. profile to meet YOU. see YOU. profile to meet YOU.
Friday, March 30, 2012 4

10. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
summary
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Friday, March 30, 2012 5

11. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
Profile photo
HEADSHOT
Your profile shot should show you at your best:
crazy, fun, sexy, geeky, pensive.
summary
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12. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
Profile photo
HEADSHOT
Your profile shot should show you at your best:
crazy, fun, sexy, geeky, pensive.
FIRST IMPRESSION
Your profile shot should show at a glance who
you are and how you interact with people.
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13. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
Profile photo Photo courtesy Mollena
HEADSHOT
Your profile shot should show you at your best:
crazy, fun, sexy, geeky, pensive.
FIRST IMPRESSION
Your profile shot should show at a glance who
you are and how you interact with people.
summary
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Friday, March 30, 2012 5

14. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
Profile photo
HEADSHOT
Your profile shot should show you at your best:
crazy, fun, sexy, geeky, pensive.
FIRST IMPRESSION
Your profile shot should show at a glance who
you are and how you interact with people.
Friday, March 30, 2012 5

15. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
Profile photo
HEADSHOT
Your profile shot should show you at your best:
crazy, fun, sexy, geeky, pensive.
FIRST IMPRESSION
Your profile shot should show at a glance who
you are and how you interact with people.
Photo courtesy Anita Wagner
Friday, March 30, 2012 5

16. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
summary
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17. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
Photo gallery
DO SHOW
Primarily you and your work.
summary
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Friday, March 30, 2012 6

18. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
Photo gallery
DO SHOW
Primarily you and your work.
DO NOT SHOW
Cheesy snapshots of the last 20 girls you beat or
who sucked your cock.
Friday, March 30, 2012 6

19. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
PRETTY ROPE TOYS YOU MADE SCENES
WORK
Here’s cool shit that I Here’s how I spend my
Here’s what I love to do! made! time! Beauty shots of
scenes that convey a
strong emotion.
Photo courtesy Ralinad Photo courtesy Ralinad
summary
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Friday, March 30, 2012 7

20. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
Photo gallery: DO show
PRETTY ROPE TOYS YOU MADE SCENES
WORK
Here’s cool shit that I Here’s how I spend my
Here’s what I love to do! made! time! Beauty shots of
scenes that convey a
strong emotion.
Photo courtesy Ralinad Photo courtesy Ralinad
Friday, March 30, 2012 7

21. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
summary
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22. @cunningminx
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
List your fetishes
LIST YOUR FETISHES
It’s polite to list out your fetishes in the fetish
section for easy scanning.
Friday, March 30, 2012 8

23. @cunningminx
PAY ATTENTION.
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Friday, March 30, 2012 9

24. @cunningminx
PAY ATTENTION.
Do your homework
READ THOROUGHLY
Read a user’s profile thoroughly before
approaching him/her.
summary
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25. @cunningminx
PAY ATTENTION.
Do your homework
READ THOROUGHLY
Read a user’s profile thoroughly before
approaching him/her.
DISLIKES
Check for contraindications. Use third-grade
reading skills.
Friday, March 30, 2012 9

26. @cunningminx
PAY ATTENTION.
Do your homework
READ THOROUGHLY
Read a user’s profile thoroughly before
approaching him/her.
DISLIKES
Check for contraindications. Use third-grade
reading skills.
Friday, March 30, 2012 9

27. @cunningminx
PAY ATTENTION.
Do your homework
READ THOROUGHLY Not seeking new partners right now
Read a user’s profile thoroughly before
approaching him/her.
DISLIKES
Check for contraindications. Use third-grade
reading skills.
Friday, March 30, 2012 9

28. @cunningminx
PAY ATTENTION.
Do your homework
READ THOROUGHLY Not seeking new partners right now
Read a user’s profile thoroughly before
approaching him/her.
DISLIKES
Check for contraindications. Use third-grade
reading skills.
www.practicalpolyamory.com
Friday, March 30, 2012 9

29. @cunningminx
PAY ATTENTION.
Do your homework
READ THOROUGHLY Not seeking new partners right now
Read a user’s profile thoroughly before
approaching him/her.
DISLIKES
Check for contraindications. Use third-grade
reading skills.
www.practicalpolyamory.com
Conversation starter: True Blood,
Dexter, Grey’s Anatomy
Friday, March 30, 2012 9

30. @cunningminx
PAYATTENTION.
summary
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Friday, March 30, 2012 10

31. @cunningminx
PAYATTENTION.
Start a conversation
summary
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32. @cunningminx
PAYATTENTION.
Start a conversation
STATEMENT
Make a statement or observation based on the
user’s profile.
summary
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33. @cunningminx
PAYATTENTION.
Start a conversation
STATEMENT
Make a statement or observation based on the
user’s profile.
DISCLOSURE
Reveal something personal about yourself
based on the user’s profile.
summary
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Friday, March 30, 2012 10

34. @cunningminx
PAYATTENTION.
Start a conversation
STATEMENT
Make a statement or observation based on the
user’s profile.
DISCLOSURE
Reveal something personal about yourself
based on the user’s profile.
INVITATION
Ask to chat, coffee, scene (if not
contraindicated).
Friday, March 30, 2012 10

35. @cunningminx
PAYATTENTION.
Start a conversation
Hey, Dexter is cool. serial killers are
STATEMENT awesome, especially when they are
Make a statement or observation based on the
user’s profile.
working for good.
DISCLOSURE
Reveal something personal about yourself
based on the user’s profile.
INVITATION
Ask to chat, coffee, scene (if not
contraindicated).
Friday, March 30, 2012 10

36. @cunningminx
PAYATTENTION.
Start a conversation
Hey, Dexter is cool. serial killers are
STATEMENT awesome, especially when they are
Make a statement or observation based on the
user’s profile.
working for good.
DISCLOSURE
Reveal something personal about yourself I’m not a serial killer, but I’d like to play
based on the user’s profile. one on TV.
INVITATION
Ask to chat, coffee, scene (if not
contraindicated).
Friday, March 30, 2012 10

37. @cunningminx
PAYATTENTION.
Start a conversation
Hey, Dexter is cool. serial killers are
STATEMENT awesome, especially when they are
Make a statement or observation based on the
user’s profile.
working for good.
DISCLOSURE
Reveal something personal about yourself I’m not a serial killer, but I’d like to play
based on the user’s profile. one on TV.
INVITATION
Ask to chat, coffee, scene (if not I’m not looking for a partner, and I see
contraindicated).
you’re not, either. Want to platonically
geek out about Dexter over coffee some
time?
Friday, March 30, 2012 10

38. @cunningminx
BE CIVIL.
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39. @cunningminx
BE CIVIL.
Don’t be a jerk
#1 COMPLAINT
Users who approach you as confrontational and
aggressive, as if the message were a scene.
Aggression from a stranger isn’t safe, sane or
sexy.
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40. @cunningminx
BE CIVIL.
Don’t be a jerk
YOU WILL COME TO MY HOUSE AND KNEEL
#1 COMPLAINT BEFORE ME. YOU WILL NOT WEAR ANY
Users who approach you as confrontational and
aggressive, as if the message were a scene.
PANTIES. I’M SO AMAZING THAT YOU WILL
Aggression from a stranger isn’t safe, sane or CUM ALL NIGHT. I’M TOTALLY FAMOUS FOR
sexy. MAKING SUBS CUM ON COMMAND. I WILL
MAKE YOU DO THAT, TOO. I WILL CHANGE
BE YOURSELF
Be your own considerate sadistic or masochistic
YOUR LIFE. I’M SO AWESOME.
self. Just because a user posts naked photos
doesn’t mean all rules of politeness go out the BY THE WAY, MY NAME IS BOB.
window. Statement - disclosure - invitation
Friday, March 30, 2012 11

41. @cunningminx
DON’T BEDOUCHY.
summary
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42. @cunningminx
DON’T BEDOUCHY.
YOU’RE NOT MY TOP YET
Don’t address
users in all caps for
the first meeting. You
DOMMING wouldn’t shout at
someone IRL, would
you?
Friday, March 30, 2012 12

43. @cunningminx
DON’T BEDOUCHY.
YOU’RE NOT MY TOP YET
Don’t address
users in all caps for
the first meeting. You
DOMMING wouldn’t shout at
someone IRL, would
you?
+
Don’t find fault or
PICKING pick a a fight in the
FIGHTS first message. It’s not a
scene yet.
Friday, March 30, 2012 12

44. @cunningminx
DON’T BEDOUCHY. YOU’RE NOT MY TOP YET
Don’t address
users in all caps for
the first meeting. You
DOMMING wouldn’t shout at
someone IRL, would
you?
Only the most clueless
+ = DOUCHY
n00bs fall for this shit. Just
be your considerate,
masochistic or sadistic self.
Don’t find fault or
PICKING pick a a fight in the
FIGHTS first message. It’s not a
scene yet.
Friday, March 30, 2012 12

45. @cunningminx
PARTICIPATE.
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46. @cunningminx
PARTICIPATE.
Let your freak flag fly
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47. @cunningminx
PARTICIPATE.
Let your freak flag fly
SHOW YOUR ACTIVITY
Show you’re an active member of the local
scene, not just some douchebag online.
summary
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Friday, March 30, 2012 13

48. @cunningminx
PARTICIPATE.
Let your freak flag fly
SHOW YOUR ACTIVITY
Show you’re an active member of the local
scene, not just some douchebag online.
JOIN GROUPS
Join, follow and participate in group
discussions in your area of interest.
summary
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Friday, March 30, 2012 13

49. @cunningminx
PARTICIPATE.
Let your freak flag fly
SHOW YOUR ACTIVITY
Show you’re an active member of the local
scene, not just some douchebag online.
JOIN GROUPS
Join, follow and participate in group
discussions in your area of interest.
RSVP FOR EVENTS
Post your event activities online so that users
may see you’re active in the local community.
Friday, March 30, 2012 13

50. @cunningminx
BONUS.
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51. @cunningminx
BONUS.
BONUS ADVICE
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52. @cunningminx
BONUS.
BONUS ADVICE
don’t play
the
numbers
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53. @cunningminx
BONUS.
BONUS ADVICE
+
don’t play bring up a
the detail in 1st
numbers message
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54. @cunningminx
BONUS.
BONUS ADVICE
be
+ +
don’t play bring up a confident,
the detail in 1st literate,
numbers message appealing,
polite
Friday, March 30, 2012 14

55. @cunningminx
BONUS.
BONUS ADVICE
be
+ + +
don’t play bring up a confident, demonstrate
the detail in 1st literate, your depth
numbers message appealing,
polite
Friday, March 30, 2012 14

56. @cunningminx
BONUS.
BONUS ADVICE
be
+ + +
don’t play bring up a confident, demonstrate
the detail in 1st literate, your depth
numbers message appealing,
polite
Be the
interesting
person
Friday, March 30, 2012 14

57. @cunningminx
BONUS.
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58. @cunningminx
BONUS.
Training message
BE THE CHANGE
Some users are new and too excited about
community to see how they are coming across.
Do training messages to guide their behavior.
Friday, March 30, 2012 15

59. @cunningminx
BONUS.
Training message
Hey, there. Do you mind a little bluntness?
I don't have a lot of time to spend on this site; I go out to kink events once a week
BE THE CHANGE and meet people IRL. The thing is that your profile doesn't offer much information--
minimal pix (but thank you for the face), no kinks listed, and only a sentence or two
Some users are new and too excited about about you. I hope you don't mind my being blunt, but I work 50 hours a week at a
startup, 10 hours a week on the podcast, and the rest on workouts, public speaking
community to see how they are coming across. engagements and dating.
Do training messages to guide their behavior.
Your profile doesn't give me any information about who you are or what you want;
in short, it makes me work too hard to get to know you, and I need for that part to
be a little easier. I don't have time to track down who you are if you can't give me
more information up front.
Apologize for the bluntness and hope it's taken as advice rather than rudeness. My
advice would be to monitor conversations and groups here for a bit until you can
offer a more complete profile.
Minx
Friday, March 30, 2012 15

60. @cunningminx
YOURTURN.
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61. @cunningminx
Q&A
YOURTURN.
PROFILE REVIEW
Friday, March 30, 2012 16

62. @cunningminx
followMINX.
Friday, March 30, 2012 17

63. @cunningminx
followMINX.
social links
FACEBOOK GOOGLE+
WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/cunningminx WWW.GPLUS.TO/CUNNINGMINX
TWITTER SLIDESHARE
WWW.TWITTER.COM/cunningminx WWW.SLIDESHARE.NET/cunningminx
BLOG TWITTER
WWW.POLYWEEKLY.COM WWW.TWITTER.COM/polyweekly
Friday, March 30, 2012 17