1. Maintaining a Happy Marriage: Healthy Communication Hooman Keshavarzi, MA SIRAT

2. Two Backgrounds/Two People Core Beliefs and Life History How parents were, norms, patterns etc. Therefore: Differing Perceptions

3. What do you see?

4. Ideas of Right and Wrong Pushing a point Using Deen to support this perspective Let’s say you prove your point: Now what? Can’t resolve issues in a productive manner is the larger issue!

5. Communication Errors Four variables that if present, can predict whether a marriage will end in divorce by over 85%!!! What are they?

6. Vicious Cycle of Bad Communication Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling Additional sword in the marriage: No affection outside of this.

7. Solution PLEASE!! Interrupt the process QUICKLY! Make a joke Voice your emotions, “I am feeling upset”. Take a time out Learn cues and triggers.

8. Gender Differences Effects of Stress (Gottman, 1999) WOMEN MEN

9. Solution PLEASE!! Men: Know that it will get better, just bear through the current. Women: Take breaks, don’t overwhelm him

10. Details Men tend not to see details, but the whole picture. Women are highly attentive to details. Implication: Men don’t notice little things. Often interpreted as lack of caring.

11. Solution You decide!

12. Issues of Power Men tend to have an issue with power. Women accept influence naturally. Men who do not accept influence tend to have poorer relationships.

14. Communication Errors Tend to listen to half of what people say. Tend to listen in order to make a response. See things from own frame of reference Tend to give advice or “what I would do”.

15. Active/Empathetic listening Genuine Not-Judging Empathetic

16. Empathy Technique Reflecting & Asking questions. Tips: Learn when to SHUT UP Forget the details – What is the MESSAGE!! Do you understand experientially?

17. Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage Keeping their negative thoughts of their spouse from overwhelming their positive ones (Gottman, 1999).