Sexual research, jokes, news directly from a desk of Dr. Bawdy

1. Keep Your Hands Off My Penis!
http://bawdylanguage.com/blog/keep-your-hands-off-my-penis/
By Dr. Celestial Bawdy
Reporting from Washington
Joe Schmutz Jr, Fist Master and President of the APA (American Penis association) today
warned Congress, the President, and the American People to halt their efforts to set controls on
the use of penises in America. “The right of every man to full use of his penis is guaranteed
under the constitution,” he argued. “The penis is as American as apple pie. Any effort to restrain
its use is nothing short of treason.” If you want to curb, indiscriminate use of the penis, start with
Hollywood or porn on the internet. But hands off my penis!”
Proponents of penis control disputed the assertion. As Emily Castrato, President of “A World
free of Penises” noted, “We are not talking about banning penises completely, but putting in
place some reasonable restrictions that would provide a line of defense against gang bangs,
rapes, and men making unreasonable demands on women—what goes beyond what most people
consider reasonable use of the organ.”
“From time immemorial the single shot penis has been traditional. Women have long accepted
this as the norm. The semi-automatic penis has no place in the world of relationships. Penises
that don’t need reloading aren’t meant for loving or sport. They are specifically designed to do as
much damage as possible to the human body. No one really needs or wants an erection that last
more than four hours.”
The agenda of the penis control lobby also insists that every penis be registered and careful
records kept, arguing how there are certain people, namely felons and those with mental illness,
who should not be allowed access to their penis, and should not be allowed to purchase
performance enhancing drugs.

2. The case was cogently set forth by Carolyn Clitoriski, Chairwoman of “Penis Propriety:” “We
require people to take three tests to get a driver’s license, so I’m not sure why increased scrutiny
for use of one’s penis is so controversial. Don’t we want to keep penises out of the hands of the
mentally ill and those with criminal records? Don’t we want a system that makes it as easy as
possible for pharmacists to identify these classes of individuals to deny them semi-automatic
capability by outlawing or placing curbs on sales of testosterone and drugs such as Viagara?.
Pumped up men and penises have no place in this world, said she. Look at what they have
brought in their wake.”
This was disputed by Schmutz, who stood at the mike screaming at a recent press conference,
brandishing a bouquet of dildos in his fist: “It’s nothing but penis envy. Sissies and women—
that’s who are arrayed against us. Remember, we are more than just a bunch of random pricks..
We truly stand for something. We are America’s manhood. Without us there would be no Iraqs,
no Afghanistans—no Monday night football. The penis is at the heart of our nation’s greatness.
Do not forget that for a moment.
“Taking my penis is the first step to taking away my freedom. Just try! “You can have my penis,
but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.”
Enjoy this article? Don't stop now. There's lots more awaiting you. Run, don't walk to
www.bawdylanguage.com.