This chapter discusses how youth use new media technologies like mobile phones, instant messaging, and social media in their dating practices and intimacy. It explores how these technologies have changed courtship rituals, allowing youth to get to know each other online before meeting in person, but also how they make breaking up more difficult by leaving digital remnants of past relationships. While new media provides benefits of privacy and easier communication, it can also make youth more vulnerable if too much personal information is shared publicly online.

1. Chapter 3:
Intimacy
By: Katy Robinson

2.  Something to think about: “Young people are at
the forefront of developing, using, reworking, and
incorporating new media into their dating practices
in ways that might be unknown, unfamiliar, and
sometimes scary to adults” (Pascoe, 117).
 I everyday we see the difference in online dating
sites, trying to appeal to the older crowd. In the
match.com commercials I remember seeing an older
dad who is looking for love. Sites like this don‟t need to
advertise to the younger crowd because the younger
crowd is more likely to be either already there or will
consider check into it when looking for a relationship.

3. Dating, New Media, and
Youth
 A point made in the beginning of this section made
note that while the courtship rituals are “less formal
and more varied” than in early and mid twentieth
century, they are no less elaborate despite all the
technology being used. (p. 119).
 This section also notes how the idea of “going
steady” evolved:
 Youth in the 1950s who were going steady indicated this
with an exchange of class rings, letter sweaters, id
bracelets etc.
 In the 1970s and 1980s this practice declined
 Terms like going steady, courtship, and dating have been
replaced with: hanging out, going out with someone (p.
119)

4.  “One study showed that the strongest emotion
during puberty was “the specific feeling of being in
love” (Miller and Benson 1999, 99), and
developmental psychologists consider romantic
relationships an essential feature of social
development in adolescence (Connolly and
Goldberg 1999)” (p.119).
 I found this point interesting, that over-time the dating
rituals have changed SO much, but the emotions and
feelings that teenagers experience going through
puberty in relation to love hasn‟t changed and
shouldn‟t change for social development

5.  According to this section, youth use 3 primary
technologies in their “intimacy practices:
1. Mobile Phones—it was noted that many youth do
still use home phones as well!
2. Instant Messaging
3. Social Network sites
 I found it interesting that when talking about how
the mobile phone is a benefit to teens they
referred to it also as a “leash” with which they can
keep tabs on one another. I was not sure that is
such a good thing because it does, at least the
way it is phrased, pose a problem building trust.

6.  On page 121 there is a reasoning as to why there
isn‟t much about teen sexual encounters in a
chapter about intimacy, but the research that was
performed yielded stories about
dating, heartbreak, crushes and the like. The
researchers may have gotten more of this content
had there been multiple interviews, but also there
were constraints placed on them by the review
board that strongly discouraged talk about sex.
 I think this explanation is necessary to show that it isn‟t
that they didn‟t do their research fully, but that sex
wasn‟t an important part, especially where so much
research is focused solely around teens and sex.

7. Youth Courtship:
Meeting, flirting, Going
Out, and Breaking Up
 The example of how Liz and
Grady began their relationship
because of Myspace was fitting.
Grady saw flirting with Liz in
person daunting, because he
didn‟t know her that well, but on
Myspace he was able to talk to
her and connect that way. That
was the beginning of their
relationship, and I can see that
being a prevalent
thing, although now it‟s over
Facebook.
 It can be far less
intimidating, talking to
someone first online, rejection
is likely easier to handle when
it isn‟t face-to-face.

8.  “Instant message, text messages, and social
network messaging functions all allow teens to
proceed in a way that might feel less vulnerable
than face-to-face communication” (page. 123).
 From a personal standpoint, I would say that it‟s not
just teens. I am in the process of buying a motorcycle
(I know, I‟m crazy!) and I have been looking for private
sales. I have been text messaging many people, and it
is so much easier to make an offer and ask questions
than when I am in person. Something about coming
off rude or being denied is easier when texting. If I
don‟t like what they have to say it is much easier to
terminate the conversation than if it were face-to-
face. (This has nothing to do with intimacy, but these
forms of communication definitely help to relieve the
feeling of vulnerability that face-to-face conversations
tend to have.)

9.  “You can deliberate and answer however you
want” (page 124).
 This is something I can remember when my friends and
I were in high school and talking to people we may
have had a crush on over Instant Messenger or
Myspace (so much has changed since then). We
would take forever to reply to every little thing, looking
for the meaning behind the comment, and trying to
come up with our own equally clever and casual
reply. I remember sometimes we would type these
things out just to delete it and start all over, searching
for just the right thing to say, something we could
never do if this had been face-to-face.

10.  This chapter moves onto meeting people offline,
and both John (the Chicago college Freshmen)
and Brad (the Berkeley Freshmen) said similar things
about meeting people offline. John said the key is
meeting them first, and then adding them online.
 I find that in my own friends (and myself) that meeting
people offline is weird. It is definitely easier to meet
someone offline if they are at least friends with
someone I know. It‟s still awkward, but at least you
have someone there that knows both of you, to help
alleviate that awkwardness.

11.  “In a similar way, new media also are important
tools for gay teens who want to date, because „the
biggest obstacle to same-sex dating among sexual
minority youth is the identification of potential
partners‟” (p. 128).
 This was interesting, as was the example about Robert.
Robert was introduced to Matt through
Facebook, and they arranged a date. Unlike his
heterosexual counterparts, he expressed no hesitancy
about meeting someone in person that he had first
met online. I can see how the internet would help gay
teens. It‟s safer and (usually) easier to identify
someone with the same interests as you.

12. Going Out
 Pascoe says that teens
have a high expectation of
contact and availability of
their partner, and that the
relationship will be publicly
acknowledged through
digital media. In this
way, technology has an
effect on long-
term, committed
relationships.
 He also says that this
technology can help teens
maintain relationships that
their parents may not
approve of. (p. 128)

13. Breaking Up
 “The media that some youth
laud as a comfortable way to
meet and get to know a
romantic interest are viewed
as a poor way to break up with
an intimate” (p. 133).
 As Ironic as it is, it is most
definitely true. It‟s not just
youth that this applies to, it
is socially frowned upon to
break up with someone by
hiding behind the media
technology. Grady (Liz‟s
boyfriend) said it was seen
as disrespectful. I would say
that is an excellent way to
summarize the problem of
breaking up over medial

14.  “New media have created a public venue for
digital remnants, where digital representation might
outlast the relationship” (p. 133).
 You don‟t think about it, but usually when you are in a
relationship with someone you do a lot together, take
a lot of photos, post to their wall a lot, etc. When you
break up, some of that doesn‟t get deleted (like the
photos) and remains a reminder (or remnant) of a
past relationship.

15.  On page 133 Box 3.1 goes into the story of Michael
and Amy from love to hate (in a nutshell). I thought
it was interesting, and thinking about it now, I have
seen it a lot, how Michael and Amy professed their
love through Myspace accounts, airing their
relationship publicly. However, once it was over, the
new relationship status of animosity and disdain was
also publicly available. As stated in the box, the two
are seeking support from their peers, and they are
essentially getting just that. The media allows them
to broadcast openly to their friends how they are
feeling about the breakup. Michael was clearly
unhappy with the situation, while Amy had moved
on completely.

16.  These new media technologies also allow teens to
indirectly communicate after a break up. You can
write a blog post, but name no names, or you can
change your relationship status just to send a
message to one person. This allows for passive
communication at the end of a relationship. (p.
138).

18. Intimate Media:
Privacy, Monitoring, and
Vulnerability
 Many teens are involved in relationships
that their parents may not approve of, or
they just want the privacy that they are
usually not afforded. The media they use
allows them a degree of privacy because
unlike a phone conversation, an online
conversation can‟t be overheard or
listened in on. You can keep it fairly
private.

19.  “This monitoring varies from researching potential
love interests to using a shard password to check up
on one‟s significant other to attempting to restrict
one‟s significant other‟s communications with his or
her friends” (p. 139).
 The example of a couple of teens using the media to
“check up” on their boyfriends. Pascoe explains that
this behavior of “checking up” occurs when there is a
crush, a romantic partner, or sometimes after a break
up

20.  Pascoe also uses the example of some teens
changing their digital footprint to mislead their
significant other and/or protect their privacy. One
teen said he deletes messages from other girls that
might anger his girlfriend, and another said that he
will change the contacts in his phone (a girls name
to a boys name) so that if his girlfriend was checking
his phone she would see him talking to guys, not
girls.
 Furthermore, it is said that some of this monitoring
borderlines serious emotional control and/or abuse.

21.  “The same technologies that allow youth to
manage emotional exposure might also render
them more vulnerable, in part because of the
amount and type of information shared and the
speed at which it can travel” (p.144).
 This is unfortunate but true. What makes it worse is that
teens don‟t generally have a great concept of the
future consequences that some of their online
interactions could have.

22. Conclusion
 Not being ridiculously far past my teenage years much of
what has been said in this chapter hits home. However, it is not
just teens that experience much of what was discussed. In a
way, I almost find it scary how much teens are relying on the
new technology to meet people, only because it can be so
dangerous. However, I can certainly identify with the ease of
communication that is allowed and the “safe” feeling you can
get because you are not putting yourself out there face-to-
face and you can negotiate the conversation on your
terms, saying exactly what you want to say and how to say it.
 Unfortunately, you lack the control of what other people are
publicly posting about you and your relationship. It appears
that the teens of the time are certainly managing quite well to
be sure!
 It is interesting to see how much dating has evolved from the
early 1950s to now. At that time, I am sure they would never
have imagined the type of courtship around now. This makes
me wonder what teens will be doing 20 years down the road
from now.