Listening to children is important for communication and development. Parents should make time to listen to their children, whether through daily conversations, reading together, or setting aside special listening times. Effective listening involves making eye contact, reflecting back what the child said to confirm understanding, and responding supportively without criticism. It is also important to respect the child's privacy and views. Seeking help from organizations can support parents struggling to communicate with their children.

1. Listening to
children
on
Improving communicati
with your child

2. your child
Children can’t always put
“Spend time with their feelings into words, so
One-to-one
whenever you can.
you will make listening to them includes
time together with
d let him paying attention to their
him feel special an
t to you.”
know he’s importan actions and behaviour.
oolfson,
Dr Richard C. W Listening is about two-way
st
child psychologi communication between you
and your child, with each of
you valuing and respecting
the views of the other.
Children who are listened to are
usually well adjusted and self-confident, while
those whose needs are ignored may be withdrawn or difficult and suffer
from low self-esteem.
Parents who cannot communicate well with their children are more likely to resort
to smacking and hitting in moments of frustration. Communicating with your child
is also vital in preventing child abuse, including providing your child with information
on keeping safe, and being there to offer help and protection.
We’ve collected the best advice
from professionals, as well as some
top tips from parents, to help you
communicate with your child,
whatever their age.
To make for easier reading, this
“Before I tuck the booklet refers to children as he or
children him, and she or her in alternating
into bed, we have
a 10-minute sections. All the information applies
‘worry time’ chat. equally to boys and girls.
They look
forward to telling
me all about
their day, including
the good
bits as well as any
problems.”
Jo, mum of Chloe
vice...
For more ad g to
, 9,
and Bethany, 6
in
...on listen
isit
your child, v
mily.org.uk
www.yourfa

3. Listening to your baby
Did you know?
Your baby can recognise you and
your partner’s voice soon after
birth. This is because, while in
the womb, your baby will have
heard you talking and so your
You can start listening to your
baby from the very beginning.
Tips to help you voices will be familiar as soon as
she is born.
Smiling, stroking, cuddling, cope with crying If you run out of patience, remember
talking to your baby and • Rock your baby in a pram or that being angry with your baby will
only make the crying worse. You don’t
making eye contact are all cradle or try going on a car ride,
need to be ashamed of your feelings
as these can often work like magic.
ways of communicating. – most parents feel angry with their
• Walk up and down with him or try children at some time. Go off and
From the very first day after birth, your carrying him close to you in a sling. cool down, or take your anger out
baby will be listening to you and in a few • Sing or talk gently to him, or try on the cushions or have a good cry
weeks you will be rewarded by smiles playing a tape of womb sounds or yourself. Go back and deal with your
and those first cooing sounds gentle music as this can sometimes baby once you feel calm again.
– your baby is talking to you. help very young babies. If your baby cries persistently, ask
your health visitor for advice or ring
“I’ve read to my baby since he • Some babies find the sound of
Of course, crying is a very important a helpline like Cry-sis.
part of your baby’s language too. If your
was a few months old. He loves white noise, such as a vacuum
baby still cries after you have done all listening to me doing different cleaner or washing machine, soothing.
the obvious checks – for hunger and voices, actions and songs, and • Try swaddling – wrapping your baby
thirst, wind, changing nappies, not being he tries to turn the pages! My very firmly inside a light shawl. This
too hot or too cold, or even just bored gives some babies the secure feeling
with their own company – you might six-year-old is brilliant at reading
of being back in the womb.
begin to feel desperate. but still loves us to read to him.”
• Don’t be too quick to put your baby
Sonia, mum of Louis, 6, and Frankie,
back in his cot if he begins to
Remember 13 months calm down.
• Crying is perfectly normal behaviour • If your baby is very keen on sucking
for a new baby. In the first few and you’re sure he’s not hungry or
Find out more
months of life, a baby spends on thirsty, you may want to try a
average at least two hours in every dummy, but make sure it’s clean,
24-hour period crying. and never dip it into anything sweet.
• Crying is meant to be a sound that
Cry-sis • Cuddling your baby is usually the
parents find difficult to ignore. This
Provides support and advice best tip of all. If you can relax and
is nature’s way of ensuring that your
regarding excessively crying don’t feel too tense, you are the
baby’s needs are met.
or sleepless babies. best comfort your baby can have.
• Crying is neither your fault nor your
baby’s, and things will get better www.cry-sis.org.uk
later on. 08451 228 669

4. right. It is a great confidence-booster make opportunities for conversation,
and praise works better than preferably when your child is not
criticism!” Shobha, mum of Rafi, 3 overtired from a long day at school.
• Try to answer all of your • Spend some time reading
child’s questions with your child
As your child listens to you and looks This helps improve both her listening
to you, they build up a picture of and her language skills, and will give
themselves. “I used to tell my son ‘not you both a starting point to talk about
now’ or ‘go away’ when I was too tired your child’s thoughts and feelings.
to answer his questions, then I realised
that I wasn’t helping him to learn. • Set aside some special
choices to listening time
Give children
Reminding myself of this now makes
el listened it easier to cope and my son remembers “If you’re busy or too tired, it can be
help them fe all of my answers!” Nicola, mum of
want to hard to make time to listen to your
to: “Do you Kieron, 8 child. You might find it easier to set
e or pink
wear the blu • Look out for warning signs
aside a special part of the day, such
?”
socks today If your child seems unhappy or
as just before your child goes to
bed. You need to be flexible though.
reluctant to talk, it might be a sign
Listening as
Sometimes small children just can’t
that something is wrong. It might be wait to talk about something that is
that she feels you are not interested important to them.”
in what she is saying, or wants Eileen Hayes,
to tell you something that she finds NSPCC parenting advisor
your child grows up
difficult to explain. Ensure that you
Visit your local library
Reading out aloud is great
for your relationship with
your child. Why not try
Children learn to talk by listening • Fit listening easily into your visiting your local library
to adults speaking directly to daily routine and choosing some books
Talk about the things you see when
them. By the time your child is you are on the bus, walking to the that you and your child
three or four and has mastered shops, at the supermarket or during can read together?
quite a lot of language, she will bath time. You could sing or recite
a nursery rhyme to your baby when
want to practise it as much as changing her nappy, or read a
possible, and will use it to learn book together.
about the rest of her world. This • Give plenty of encouragement
may mean endless chattering When your child is learning to talk,
and “why?” questions. Try to they will probably use funny words
of their own and are bound to get
listen and answer as patiently some words mixed up. “I shower Rafi
as you can. with praise whenever he gets words

5. Listening to
• Get help if you need it
If you are worried that your child has
a particular problem – for example
problems at school or with friends,
older children
such as bullying, relationships, being
the victim of racist attitudes, or a
problem with drugs or alcohol – you
may need to get professional advice.
Some of the organisations listed in
the section on special difficulties in
this booklet might be able to help.
Most of the tips about listening
to younger children apply to
older children too, but older
children also have their own
different needs. their parents, but they still need you.
However independent your children
Being a parent to teenagers can be a seem, let them know that you’ll
challenging, worrying and sometimes always be there to offer comfort
distressing time. While your teenager is and support.
pushing for independence, you can feel
rejected, criticised and confused. Here • Remember what it’s like
are some tips to help you through. to be a teenager
The teen years can be a trying time,
• Make it clear that you want
both for parents and for children.
to be involved Teenagers may behave like an adult
If you find that your child never one minute and like a toddler the next.
wants to talk to you about anything,
you may need to work really hard at • Respect your child’s privacy
it. A good start is to make it clear Older children particularly need
that you are interested in them and privacy. They need their own space,
in what they do. time to themselves, and the right not
to communicate about certain areas
• Respect your child’s views of their lives, for example their
Don’t expect him to like everything personal relationships. If you respect
you like or agree with everything you their privacy, they are more likely to
say. The teenage years are a time confide in you.
of testing out opinions and people,
including parents. Your teenage child • Don’t impose your ideas
is more likely to respect your views if It is fine to state that you have different
you respect his views too. views, and your teenager still needs you
to when
• Let your child know you’re
to be clear about acceptable limits to
“Think back
enager.
you were a te ou
their behaviour. However, imposing all
there for them your attitudes, or trying to force him to lp y
Older children need to learn how to agree with your point of view, will only That can he
d’s point
live without the constant support of make things worse. see your chil
of view.”

6. Parents ta lk about listening
Top NSPCC parenting advisor
Eileen Hayes responds with advice
for three parents talking about
communicating with their children.
Even when parents are ready to talk and
listen to their children, there can still be problems. It’s not
always easy to understand what children are trying to tell us.
Interruptions Whining
“My daughter always interrupts when “I don’t feel I have any choice about
I’m talking to her dad. What can I do?” listening. My son whines all the time.
Liz, mum of Rebecca, 5 I just want to switch off.” Dai, dad of
Owen, 7
Eileen “Her interruptions may be a
way of trying to get your attention. Eileen “Perhaps you need to make
However, if you do make a time to listen time to sit quietly with him and respond
to her, explain that you also need time carefully to what he is saying. Once he
to discuss things together as parents. realises there are special times when he
Young children often demand immediate has all your positive attention, perhaps
Find out more
attention and will interrupt. As they he won’t need to whine. Try to avoid
grow older they will realise that they can getting into the habit of only responding
remember to say things later and will when he whines loudly. This negative
interrupt less often.” attention will only make things worse.”
Parents Advice Centre Gotateenager
(Northern Ireland) www.gotateenager.org.uk
Pressure to deliver www.parentsadvicecentre.org
0808 8010 722
(Provided by Parentline Plus)
“I try to listen to my son’s needs, but I can’t always be expected to meet them.” ParentsCentre online
Raymond, dad of Adam, 3 Parentline Plus www.parentscentre.gov.uk
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
Your Family
Eileen “Listening is not the same as always giving in. For example, if your toddler 0808 800 2222
Positive parenting tips
is always asking for sweets, which you say he can’t have, you can still let him know (including ParentLine Scotland)
brought to you by the NSPCC
you’ve listened by saying something like ‘I know you’re cross that you can’t have www.yourfamily.org.uk
any sweets’.”

7. Some talking and
Remember
It’s important to listen to
yourself and how you are
feeling. Watch out for early
listening tips
warning signs of stress, such
as headaches or tiredness,
and take steps to improve
things if you need to.
Once you’ve got into the habit • Involve your children in
of making time to talk and family discussions
Depending on their age, allow your
listen to your children, you children opportunities to have a say,
might find these tips useful. such as on changes to routines and
where to go for holidays.
• Give your full attention • Don’t be too critical talk about this but explain that it isn’t
If your child wants to tell you • Respect your child Try not to put your child off talking their fault. Don’t expect them to offer
something, try to stop what you’re Remember that your child’s idea to you, for example by saying things you emotional support.
doing so that you can listen carefully. of what is important may be very like “That was stupid,” “Why can’t
If that’s not practical, explain that you different from yours. Try to remember you be more sensible,” or “Grow up.” • Don’t brush problems aside
need to finish what you’re doing, and this when they want to tell you Hurtful words can damage If you encourage your children to talk,
then you’ll be able to listen properly. something urgently, even if you self-esteem. Try to make positive you are bound to hear things that
are busy. remarks instead. might disappoint or upset you.
• Let them speak first Don’t brush problems aside. Find
Look directly at your child while she • Don’t shout or nag ways of coping with them, and get
is talking. For small children this Children soon learn to ignore nagging. help if necessary.
means getting down to their level. Only shout if you need to warn your
Don’t rush to respond. Otherwise you child urgently. Then it will have the If you have more than one child, it
won’t really hear what is being said. right effect. can be especially hard to give your
children the listening time they need.
• Practise reflective listening • Reassure your child’s worries Try to work out a way of giving
with small children If your children seem worried or upset each child some special time. But
This means checking that you have by your problems, such as money or remember to set aside some time
understood what your child has said, relationship difficulties, it is best to for yourself too.
by using phrases like “So do you
mean that…?” in order to clarify things.
“The hardest thing is giving each child enough attention. After school
• Let your child know that you each boy is eager to talk about their day and I make a conscious effort
understand how he feels to listen to everybody. They get quality time from each other too,
Sometimes it helps to say something making camps, creating imaginary worlds… Occasionally someone
like “I know you’re feeling sad,” or
“You must be feeling very angry to
says, ‘Four children – are you mad?’, but a big family is so much fun.
say something like that.” Never Their social skills are great and there’s always someone to play with.”
dismiss your child’s feelings. James, dad of Jack, 10, Scott, 8, Will, 5, and Henry, 2.

8. Some s pecial difficulties Death Teasing and bullying
If someone you and your child love Let your child know that you
There can be many reasons has died, let him talk about it and understand how she feels. Talk about
why parents and children find be sad. Don’t hide the fact that you what happens, and together try to find
it hard to communicate. These are grieving too. This will help him to ways of coping. Help her to learn how
learn that it’s OK to cry and feel sad to show bullies that she won’t put up
pages give some examples of when someone close to you dies, with it. If the problem occurs at school
difficult areas and suggestions but that sooner or later, life goes on. and is serious, you must involve a
You may need to prepare yourself to teacher. Never ignore bullying or hope
for dealing with them, along with answer questions about the nature it will just go away.
details of other organisations of death.
Kidscape
that may be able to help. Cruse Bereavement Care Provides information on bullying and
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk keeping children safe.
0844 477 9400 www.kidscape.org.uk
Children with serious illness Relationship difficulties
Young person’s helpline 020 7730 3300
or disability If you have serious problems in your
relationship with your partner, your 0808 808 1677 YoungMinds
If your child has a serious illness or
a disability, communication children may well suffer, and you Cruse Bereavement Care Scotland Promotes the mental health of
may be more difficult. You may probably won’t have the time or www.crusescotland.org.uk children and young people.
need to consider other ways of energy to listen to them. If you become 01738 444178 www.youngminds.org.uk
communicating with her and enabling separated or divorced, reassure your 0800 018 2138
her to communicate with others, such child that it is not her fault that your
as through learning sign language if relationship with your partner failed,
she is deaf or hard-of-hearing. and that you both love her as much
as ever.
Contact a Family
Provides advice and support to One Parent Families/Gingerbread
parents of disabled children. www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk
0800 018 5026
www.cafamily.org.uk
0808 808 3555 Relate
A confidential counselling service for
Capability Scotland
relationship problems of any kind.
Provides ASCS
(Advice Service Capability Scotland), www.relate.org.uk
a national disability advice and 0300 100 1234
information service. Relationships Scotland
www.capability-scotland.org.uk Relationship counselling, mediation
0131 313 5510 and family support across Scotland. is different.
“Every child
Textphone 0131 346 2529 www.relationships-scotland.org.uk e special
0845 119 2020 Appreciate th child”
our
qualities of y

9. Racism
If your children tell you that other
Additional resources
children or adults are being racist to
them, explain that racism is totally Use these handy resources with your child:
unfair, and is based on ignorance and
insecurity. If the problem persists and
occurs at school, you will need to In the know
involve a teacher. Aimed at children aged eight to 11, this booklet helps
children to understand the problems faced by those who
If your child expresses racist views, are abused and advises them how to keep safe.
you should explain why such attitudes Download from www.nspcc.org.uk/publications
are unacceptable, and why there
are differences between people.
Remember that children will copy Worried? Need to talk?
you, so be careful not to show them Aimed at young people aged 11 to 18,
unfair prejudices. this booklet provides information about
Equality and Human Rights
Alcohol and drugs ChildLine and other services that are
there to help. Download from
Commission If you suspect your teenager is
www.nspcc.org.uk/publications
www.equalityhumanrights.com drinking heavily, think why it may be
Helpline for England: 0845 604 6610 happening, and encourage them to
Helpline for Wales: 0845 604 8810 think about it too. Beat exam stress
Helpline for Scotland: 0845 604 5510 If your child has been experimenting This booklet for children and young people
with drugs, let her know that you are provides guidance on coping with exams and
Northern Ireland Human Rights the stress they can cause, plus tips on how
Commission confident that she can stop, and
that you will offer her any support to get support. Download from
www.nihrc.org • 028 9024 3987 www.nspcc.org.uk/publications
you can.
Drinkline Scotland
Feel safe at home
Sexism A 24-hour helpline providing support
and advice on any alcohol concerns. Aimed at children aged seven to 12, this
Don’t stereotype your child by booklet uses straightforward language
expecting boys and girls to behave in 0800 7314 314 to explain what domestic violence is,
certain ways and enjoy certain things. FRANK how it can make children feel, and how
Encourage them to do what they Provides advice to anyone affected and where they can get help.
want, regardless of what others think, by drugs. Download from
and make sure they know that their www.nspcc.org.uk/publications
www.talktofrank.com
choice of subjects, jobs and hobbies
0800 776600
does not depend on their sex.
SAFE: personal safety skills for deaf children
Designed for group work use, this DVD-Rom
helps give deaf children and young people
Talking about difficult subjects the knowledge, awareness and language they
Some parents find it difficult to discuss certain topics, such as sex. It is important need to stay safe and make better informed
to give your child clear, honest answers to his questions. Obviously, the answers life choices. For further information and to
will depend on the age of your child and your own values and beliefs. Keep purchase, visit www.nspcc.org.uk/safe
answers simple for very young children.

10. Children and young people
when something’s
“I tell my parents
it out of my
up with me, to get
e hopefully
system and becaus
talk about listening
’ll understand.
whatever it is they
tion, or for
I don’t need a solu
ure out what’s
someone else to fig
a passive
bothering me, just
16
(I’d like)“…not to be listener.” Maaike,
interrupted or
my parents to just
assume what
I’m talking about an
d butt in. Or
for them to say th
ey know what
I’m going through
and come up
with a solution – so
metimes I just
want to get it out,
not solve it like
I’m a problem.” A
le, 16
“I like my mum and dad to say
they’re listening, and then actually
listen to me and not start doing
something else, or start talking to
someone else because when they
do that, it makes you feel invisible.”
Joss, 13
mum comes
“I like it when my
at school to
into my classroom
d talk to my
look at my work an
s who my
teachers. She know
ll her what
friends are and I te
” Scarlett, 6
I’ve done each day.

11. More advice from
NSPCC Helpline the NSPCC and Your family
Our parenting pack
Don’t talk yourself If you’ve found this leaflet useful, you
might like to try some of the other titles
out of it. Talk to us. in our parenting pack. They include
plenty of advice on practical, positive
parenting, and cover subjects like
The NSPCC Helpline managing stress, encouraging better
If you’re finding it hard to cope as behaviour and keeping your child safe
Registered charity numbers 216401 and SC037717. Photography by Jon Challicom, posed by models. Stores code: NS729.
a parent and want to talk, or you’re when they’re either at home or out alone.
worried about a child who is at risk of
abuse or in need of help, the NSPCC To request a pack, please send an
Helpline is here to help 24 hours a A4 SAE (with £2 in stamps), mentioning
day, seven days a week. the parenting pack, to the address
below or download copies from
Call 0808 800 5000 to speak to a www.nspcc.org.uk/parenting
helpline advisor. For help by email
help@nspcc.org.uk
If you are hard of hearing, you can
code: NS279.
contact us Monday to Friday from
. Stores
9am to 5pm by:
by models
m, posed
Jon Challico
• textphone 0808 056 0566
raphy by
17. Photog
• British Sign Language interpreters
and SC0377
rs 216401
on videophone 020 8463 1148
charity numbe
Registered
• British Sign Language interpreters
on IP videophone or webcam –
nspcc.signvideo.tv Home_Alone.in
dd 9
8/7/09 12:05:1
2
26/5/09 13:57:00
Out_Alone.indd 1
NSPCC
Weston House, 42 Curtain Road,
London EC2A 3NH
www.nspcc.org.uk
keep
“Don’t just 020 7825 2500
yourself.
worries to info@nspcc.org.uk
Talk to us”
In association with
Your family
DJ4646/09