Guiding Your Strong Willed Child, Week 5

Guiding Your
Strong Willed Child
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Week Five
Community Micro Choices
Family Swapportunity
Science Make the New Way Work
Framework Grocery Shopping Revisited
At-Home Quest for Good Demands

Fun Choices Put Money in the Bank
“Providing choice opportunities resulted in clinically
significant reductions in the number of occurrences
of problem behavior.”
• The Effect of Choice-Making as an Intervention for Problem Behavior: a Meta-Analysis
(Shogren et al., Journal of Positive Behavior Interventions, 2004).
Community

Ways to Offer Choices
Community
Open Ended Questions
Structured Choices
Micro Choices
You or Me Choices

So Close
• Okay, bananas are a healthy option but
you need to have apples or pears next
time.
• OK
• You need to sit down, so you can eat
them, OK?
• [still walking around]
• Please sit down. It isn’t safe to eat while
you are walking around.
• [still walking around]
• Do you want to sit down in two minutes or
in three minutes?
• Five minutes!
• Wish you had made it open-ended?
Make a note for next time but commit
& stick this time!
• A sneaky “okay?” turned it into a
(question) demand
• Gave demand from a distance
without follow through
• Choice offered AFTER the demand
Parent: Do you want to have apples or pears with dinner?
Child: Bananas.
Community

Just Right
• Okay, we’ll have apples. Do you want
cinnamon on them or no cinnamon?
• Bananas!
• Okay, cinnamon apples it is!
• I don’t like cinnamon!
• Do you want to shake the cinnamon on
or do you want me to?
• I want to.
• Okay! You’ve got it! Are you going to
shake a lot or a little?
• A lot
• Sure, lots of cinnamon! First, sit down.
Then, you can shake lots of cinnamon on
your apples!
• Made a decision for the child
& moved on without dwelling
• Didn’t take the bait!
• Advertised the joy of shaking
• Kept positive choices coming
• Used a Sure Y! First X, Then Y!
Community
Parent: Do you want to have apples or pears with dinner?
Child: Bananas.

Sneak Peek: If Bad, Be Boring
Community
You offer milk with breakfast. Child stomps feet and yells, “Almond milk.”
BEFORE: You say, “Please use your calm words. Do you want milk or almond milk?”
What’s the problem? Choices BEFORE, Consistency DURING, Changes LATER
AFTER: “I don’t understand. I will know you are ready to talk when your voice sounds
like mine.” [screaming, yelling, throwing milk…]
If you must say something, every two minutes or so just repeat EXACTLY what you
already said. [10 minutes later… “I would like almond milk.”]
Oh, I understand you now! You just said you would like almond milk at breakfast.
Thank you for telling me with a voice I can understand. You can write a note to
remind yourself to ask nicely for almond milk tomorrow morning BEFORE breakfast.

Questions for the Table – 10 Minutes
Community
• Were you offering choices often before the
workshop?
– If yes, in what ways is this a little different?
– If no, did it feel natural to use it?
• What obstacles did you face?
• When did you find success using it?
End

Large Group Q & A
Community
• Questions?
• Reflections?

Family
Swapportunity
• See blog post on March 18th

Family
One Habit Drives Out Another
• “…[O]ne habit drives out another. Lay new lines in
the old place. Open avenues of kindness for him.
Let him enjoy, daily, hourly, the pleasure of pleasing.”
Charlotte Mason (Vol 2, pp 86-87)
• “A nail is driven out by another nail, habit is
overcome by habit.” Erasmus

What Would You Like to Swap?
Family
• Begin by operationally defining a challenging behavior
that you would like to see less of at home
• What consequence is currently maintaining that behavior?
• What could the child do instead that will result in the same
maintaining consequence (i.e. what is the function of the
behavior?)
• Now operationally define that NEW behavior
End

Your Pre-HAT Project This Week
Family
• Write down the ABCs when the behavior you don’t
want happens this week

HAT Meeting Five Assignment
Family
• Schedule 30 minutes of protected, kid-free time for
each week of our workshop on your CALENDAR
Goal for Meeting Five
Review your ABC data
What is the maintaining consequence?
Continue to define your values!

Not-A-Test
• Which of the following could be described as
a consequence? Select ALL that apply.
• politely asking your child to sit on time out after she hit
her brother
• passing your child the milk when she says, “milk please!”
• talking with your child about how it makes you feel when
she hits her brother
• giving your child “the look” but not talking with her after
she hits her brother
• giving your child a big hug after she falls down
Science

Not-A-Test
• Which of the following could be described as
a consequence? Select ALL that apply.
• politely asking your child to sit on time out after she hit her brother
• passing your child the milk when she says, “milk please!”
• talking with your child about how it makes you feel when she hits her brother
• giving your child “the look” but not talking with her after she hits her brother
• giving your child a big hug after she falls down
ALL ARE CONSEQUENCES. A consequence is simply what
happens as a result of a behavior, it could be reinforcing or
punishing or have no effect.
Science

Not-A-Test
• Reinforcement has occurred in which of the
following examples:
a) Your child completes a chore & receives a sticker on
her daily chore chart
b) Your child is being too loud at a restaurant so you
say, “If you don’t quiet down, I will take away your
ipad” and he quiets down
c) Your child, stuck in her snowsuit, says, “Help, please” so
you free her. She starts asking for help more often as
a result.
Science

Not-A-Test
• Reinforcement has occurred in which of the
following examples:
(c) Your child, stuck in her snowsuit, says, “Help, please”
so you free her. She starts asking for help more often as
a result.
This is the only example in which we know that the
probability of behavior increased in the future as a
result of the consequence!
Science

Today’s Gift from Science
Operational
Definitions
Antecedent
Behavior
REPLACEMENT
Consequence
Science

What Goes Up…
• If a behavior continues to occur it is because it
continues to work (or has worked for a long time)
• When the probability of behavior increases as a
result of a consequence we say that behavior has
been reinforced
“In an American school if you ask for the salt in good French, you get
an A. In France, you get the salt” (Skinner, 1968).
Science

…Can Go Down
• When the probability of behavior decreases as a
result of its consequence we say that behavior has
been punished
Science

Severe Punishment “Works” but…
Severe punishment unquestionably has an immediate effect in reducing
a tendency to act in a given way. This result is no doubt responsible
for its widespread use. We 'instinctively' attack anyone whose
behavior displeases us - perhaps not in physical assault, but with
criticism, disapproval, blame, or ridicule. Whether or not there is an
inherited tendency to do this, the immediate effect of the practice is
reinforcing enough to explain its currency. In the long run, however,
punishment does not actually eliminate behavior from a repertoire,
and its temporary achievement is obtained at tremendous cost in
reducing the over-all efficiency and happiness of the group.
(Skinner, Science & Human Behavior, p. 190)
Science

A New Way
• The Million Dollar Questions:
– What is the function of the challenging behavior?
– What can he or she do instead that will work just as well
or better than the old behavior?
– How can I help him or her to take the new way BEFORE
they start going the old way?
– How can I increase the probability that he or she will
take the new way more often in the future?
Science

Not-A-Test
• Behavior of both children and adults _________
be reinforced or punished.
• probably should
• probably should not
• will
• will never
Science

Not-A-Test
• Behavior of both children and adults WILL be
reinforced or punished.
No matter our preferences or actions, the natural world and our
social communities WILL dole out consequences serve to
reinforce and punish our behavior. It serves us best to
understand how they work so that they can be employed to
help strengthen “good” behavior, and transparently so that
“good” is democratically defined.
Science

Not-a-Test
• While attempting to quickly pick up a few things for dinner
with you, your child pointed to the candy aisle and said, “I
need candy now!” You said, “Sorry, no candy today pal.
We are having your favorite lunch though right when we
get home! Macaroni & cheese!” Your child was not
impressed. He threw himself to the ground and in a
Broadway-style performance screamed, “You are a
terrible parent! I am so hungry! CANDY!” You said, “Stop
screaming. If you ask nicely, then you can have one piece
of candy. Just one piece.” He stopped screaming and
asked nicely. You let him pick one piece of candy. He
was pleasant the whole ride home.
Framework

Not-a-Test, Part One
• You are now preparing to go grocery shopping
with your child again. (You tried to trade the chore
with someone else but to no avail ☺) What would
you expect to happen if you do nothing
differently?
Answer: (one point) Groundhog’s Day – The behavior was reinforced so science tells
us that the future probability of it occurring will increase
Framework

Not-a-Test, Part Two…
• There are many ways you could probably get a
better outcome. Please write ONE specific idea
you have and WHY you think it would work (you
may wish to consider making changes to the
antecedent, behavior, or consequence).
Framework

Step One: Operationally Define Behavior
• Pick a challenging behavior & select a new
behavior to replace it with
• OLD: He threw himself to the ground and in a
Broadway-style performance screamed, “You are
a terrible parent! I am so hungry! CANDY!
• NEW: Grocery helper finds all 5 items on list.
Trades list in for a piece of candy at check-out.
Framework

Step Two: Make the New Way Work
• Make sure that they SERVE THE SAME FUNCTION!
• OLD: Access to tangible (candy)
• NEW: Access to tangible (candy)
Framework

Step Three: Un-Set the Stage
• Make candy less valuable by grocery shopping
on a full stomach
• OLD: We are having your favorite lunch though
right when we get home! Macaroni & cheese!”
• NEW: Have big snack before grocery shopping
Framework

Step Four: Prepare to Prevent
• Do something different to get a different result
• OLD: Your child pointed to the candy aisle
• NEW: Before entering the store, invite your child to
pick how many items she wants on her list (5 or 10)
& then take her to candy aisle to pick out her
favorite piece when you enter the store
Framework

Step Five: Stop, Celebrate & Document
• When your child finds an item on her list…
• Stop the shopping cart
– Upside Down Principal: Adults often give bad behavior
their full attention, flip this paradigm
• Celebrate their participation
– Name the Good: “You found the butter! Now we will
be able to make our pie crust.”
• Document their success
– Invite child to cross it off the list and to count how many
more items she needs to find
Framework

Step Six: If Bad, Be Boring
• Find a place where you can ride the wave & be
boring – THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH WITH
YOUR WORDS
– A child strapped into a shopping cart can scream and
cry while you carry on with your shopping
– A child walking independently in the store may need to
be temporarily escorted to the car or bathroom or
other safe place until calm enough to try again
– If you need to abort, that’s okay!
Framework

Junk Demands Summary
• Question Demands
– Are you ready for bedtime?
• Unnecessary Demands
– No running (when it is actually safe)
• Vague Demands
– Be careful
• Giant Demands
– Get ready for school
• Unenforceable Demands
– Come here (from across the room)Photos via awordywoman.com, amazon.com, mysafetysign.com, & telegraph.co.uk
At-Home

A Quest for Good Demands
• Assertive
– Polite but firm tone says, “This is not a question. When I make a
demand, you can trust that I will always follow through calmly.”
– Explanations belong outside the context of the demand. Either
before you give it or after its been obeyed.
• Necessary
– Spend your “investment” only on important demands
• Instructive
– Tell child exactly what to do instead, not what to stop doing
• Enforceable
– Ask for something you can follow through on
At-Home

Desensitization: Micro Demands Game
• Old message. If I resist hard enough or ignore
long enough, demands go away
• New message. My parents only make assertive,
necessary, instructive & enforceable demands
• Old message. Demands are things to be resisted
or ignored
• New message. All demands aren’t bad
At-Home

Making Life Easier… Eventually!
• If every time you issue a demand, your child
currently raises his boxing gloves to prepare for a
fight…
– Decrease your junk demands
– Increase fun demands & simple demands
– Make sure all demands are ASSERTIVE, NECESSARY,
INSTRUCTIVE & ENFORCEABLE
– Commit & stick no matter the demand
At-Home

SWC Survival Guide to Demands
BEFORE PROBLEM ONE SOLUTION
Go get ready for school GIANT CHAIN
Micro Demand Game
Fly like a bird! (Yahoo!)…
Bring me your backpack!
It’s time to leave the park COMPLIANCE = END OF FUN
Sure Y! First X, Then Y
Would you like a piggyback
ride? Sure! First bye park.
Then, piggyback ride.
We need to hurry up VAGUE
Micro Choices Game
Would you to put on your rain
boots or jacket first?
Don’t touch anything NOT INSTRUCTIVE Hands in pockets please
Come here (from upstairs) UNENFORCEABLE Come here (from 1 ft way)
Remember to be careful UNNECESSARY
If not in peril, allow natural
consequences to teach
At-Home

Typically Tricky Time Video
At-Home
• This week, send us 30 seconds of a typically tricky
time in which you usually make lots of demands. Try
to use only good demands!

Making this Work at Home
• Guided Practice Every Workshop Week
– HAT meeting
• This week: What is maintaining the challenging behavior?
– Daily Five
• This week: Add Micro Demands, Subtract Junk Demands
– 30-Second Video
• This week: Typically Tricky Time video
At-Home

Questions, Comments?
Review the slides at biehus.wordpress.com
Email me at biehuschicago@gmail.com
At-Home

Guiding Your Strong Willed Child, Week 5

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