1. OLDER WOMENIYOUNGER MEN:
A LOOK AT THE IMPLICATIONS OF
AGE HETEROGAMY IN MARRIAGE
BY
Nichole R. Proulx-King
B.A. University of Maine, 2002
A THESIS
Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the
Requirements for the Degree of
Master of Science
(in Human Development)
The Graduate School
The University of Maine
August, 2004
Advisory Committee:
Sandra L. Caron, Professor of Family Relations, Advisor
Mary Ellin Logue, Assistant Professor of Early Childhood Education
Mary Madden, Assistant Research Professor
3. OLDER WOMENNOUNGER MEN:
A LOOK AT THE IMPLICATIONS OF
AGE HETEROGAMY IN MARRIAGE
By Nichole R. Proulx-King
Thesis Advisor: Dr. Sandra L. Caron
An Abstract of the Thesis Presented
in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the
Degree of Master of Science
(in Human Development)
August, 2004
This study provides insight into the lives of eight married couples involved
in an age-heterogamous relationship where the wife is eight or more years older
than her husband. While there is a lot of information in the literature about men
who date and marry younger women, the research on this subject is very limited
or outdated. This exploratory study provided valuable information in several
areas about couples in woman-older marriages. The interviews were conducted
with each participant separately and explored three major topics of interest: the
impact that age difference has on the relationship, the issues that arise for the
couple, and any difference in husbands and wives experience. Implications for
professionals working with such couples, as well as for further research, will be
discussed.
4. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I would like to thank all of the people who have supported me throughout
this process and who have helped me get to this point in my life. First I would
like to thank my committee for their help in putting this thesis together. Dr. Mary
Ellin Logue and Dr. Mary Madden have given me valuable insight into the
dynamics of this project. I would especially like to recognize the chair of my
committee, Dr. Sandra Caron, who has not only been someone who has guided
me through my graduate school career, and has done an exceptional job helping
me with this project, but is also a mentor and a friend.
I would also like to thank my husband, Kraig, for supporting me through
every step of graduate school and for being my rock and my encouragement.
Without his patience, emotional support, and unconditional love I would never
have completed this thesis.
I certainly cannot leave out my parents, Raymond and Patricia Proulx,
who gave me the tools I needed to go as far as I have. They have always been
my biggest fans and supporters and I am lucky to be a part of their lives. I also
want to thank my brothers Raymond and Kevin for their never-ending support
and encouragement.
I would like to thank John and Natalie King for their continued help and for
believing in me. I am proud to be a part of your family. Finally, I would like to
thank all of my friends that have supported me throughout this process especially
Erin and Renee, and most importantly Ely who has given me so much continuous
strength and encouragement to make it through.
5. TABLE OF CONTENTS
...
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ..................................................................................
III
LIST OF TABLES ...............................................................................................
vi
Chapter
1. INTRODUCTION ...........................................................................................
1
2 . REVIEW OF THE LITERATURE ...................................................................
5
Definitions ...............................................................................................
5
Homogamy ..............................................................................................
5
Heterogamy .............................................................................................
8
Type of Persons Engaging in Age Heterogamous Relationships .......... 11
Issues Raised in Woman.Older. Age Heterogamous Marriages ........... 15
Summary ...............................................................................................
18
Purpose of Study and Research Questions ..........................................
19
3 . METHODOLOGY.........................................................................................
22
Sample ..................................................................................................
22
Interview Procedure ..............................................................................
24
Interview Technique ..............................................................................
25
Data Analysis ........................................................................................
26
4 . RESULTS ....................................................................................................
27
Research Question 1 ............................................................................
27
32
Research Question 2 ............................................................................
38
Research Question 3 ............................................................................
5.DISCUSSION ................................................................................................
40
Research Question 1 ............................................................................
41
42
Research Question 2 ..........................................................................
Research Question 3 ............................................................................
43
Implications ...........................................................................................
45
Limitations .............................................................................................
46
REFERENCES ................................................................................................
49
7. LIST OF TABLES
Table 1: Demographics .....................................................................................
23
Table 2 : Results for Research Question 1 ........................................................ 28
Table 3: Results for Research Question 2 ........................................................
33
37
Table 4: Advice for People Entering This Type of Marriage .............................
8. CHAPTER I
INTRODUCTION
Recently there has been a lot of attention given to women marrying
younger men in the popular press. Sitcoms, such as Happy Family, have poked
fun at the idea of a younger man being happily involved in a relationship with an
older woman. Hollywood has had a field day reporting on the dating patterns of
some of its biggest female stars and their involvement with younger men. A
classic example of this on Hollywood's big screen is The Graduate, a movie
about how a college graduate is seduced by a woman who is twice his age. This
movie also included the popular song, Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel.
More recently, another movie, How Stella Got her Groove Back, was about how
a successful, single, businesswoman falls in love with a man that is half her age,
and it portrayed many of the issues and societal pressures that men and women
face as they enter into this type of relationship. Talk shows like Oprah have
devoted entire shows to talking with couples that are engaged in this type of
marriage, and her October 2003, magazine featured a cover story regarding this
topic as well (Picket, 2003).
Finally, there have even been books written for women within the past two
decades about how to maintain a relationship with a younger man. For example,
Loving a Younger Man, by Victoria Houston (1987) addresses many of the issues
that come up for a woman who is in love with a younger man while battling the
societal attitudes against relationships where the woman is older than her male
partner.
9. What does all of this media attention mean? It certainly means that this
issue is on our mind more than we are willing to admit. It also means that many
people are deviating from the norm of usual dating and marital relationships.
This attention also shows that we are not yet willing to completely accept these
types of relationships. Those who participate in woman-older marriages and
dating relationships are still seen as deviants in our society.
The United States is founded upon the basis that everyone remains equal
and can endure many freedoms that other societies cannot. Amongst these
freedoms is our ability to choose a mate. Many social scientists speculate that
most people tend to marry others that are similar to themselves in areas such as
race, age, religion, and socioeconomic status, due to the fact that we tend to live,
work, and become friends with people who are like us. However, there are no
legal restrictions for marrying someone who is a different from you in these
areas. Therefore, you would think that society completely accepts the practice of
doing this wholeheartedly.
It was not so long ago where it was completely against the society's moral
groundings to marry someone who was not within the same race. Historically,
many of the major religions in the United States have also been very opposed to
marriages that were not homogamous in religion. While some churches still
oppose this, at least to some degree, some of its members have chosen to stray
from this strict code. Much movement has taken place for mixed racial and
interfaith marriages to become more widely accepted and practiced, by society
10. as a whole, in this new century. However, our culture still continues to attach a
negative stigma to these marriages in many cases.
Living in our so-called 'liberal' society one would think that issues
surrounding age would not have any bearing on a marriage as long as both
partners were mentally and emotionally able to commit to their union. In cases
where men and women are vastly different in age it does not get looked down
upon nearly as significantly when the male is older than the female, but when the
case is the opposite more than just a few eyebrows are raised.
Historically nearly half of married men have been at least five or more
years older than their wives. However, the number of men who are older than
their wives has actually declined drastically since the beginning of the twentieth
century, with the most dramatic decline between 1900 and 1960 (Atkinson &
Glass, 1985). Given the fact that fewer marriages exist in which the husband is
older, it would make sense that attitudes surrounding this issue would have
changed at least slightly. Taking into account the shrinking number of husband-
older marriages, it is odd that society's attitudes are not as accepting of
marriages in which the woman is older than the man as they are when the
opposite is true. Why do we automatically assume that she is 'robbing the
cradle', or that he is simply looking for a 'motherly' figure? Why does society
more readily justify an age difference in marriage if the male partner is older than
his wife?
Of course age discrepant relationships, in general, lack full social
approval. According to one study, women who married significantly older men
11. reported that in many cases their fathers disapproved of their relationships
(Knox, Britton, & Crisp, 1997). This paper seeks to explore the issues
surrounding many of these questions, and in doing so looks at both the societal
attitudes and implications about homogamy and heterogamy within relationships,
with its main focus on age discrepancies particularly in the case of husband
younger marriages.
12. CHAPTER 2
REVIEW OF THE LITERATURE
Definitions
Before continuing our discussion, both homogamy and heterogamy
deserve a brief definition. First, homogamy refers to a person marrying within the
same race, religion, culture, socioeconomic status, and age. In other words,
marrying someone who has a very similar background and belongs to the same
age cohort. Secondly, heterogamy refers to just the opposite; a person marrying
outside of their race, religion, culture, socioeconomic status, and age.
Homogamy
Social scientists have speculated that people are generally homogamous
in their relationships. In America, people are typically involved in marriages
where the man is slightly older than the woman, in most cases he is
approximately two to three years older than she is, but is still considered to be
within the same age group. Shehan, Berardo, Vera, and Carley (1991) cite that it
is amazing heterogamous relationships can even exist. This is due to both the
strong societal pressure for people to marry others who are similar, as well as the
unlikelihood that people will associate with potential mates who are dissimilar to
them. Simply stated, people who are similar in age are more likely to be
relatively at the same point in their lives, and therefore, have parallel attitudes
and ideas.
According to the filter theory of mate selection, we tend to narrow down
our potential mates through a variety of ways. As Kerckhoff and Davis (1962)
13. outline, we technically all begin with one large pool of eligible partners, and after
filtering for propinquity (geographic closeness), ethnicity and race, age, and
socioeconomic status we are left with a very small number of potential spouses
who most resemble us. Generally it is out of this small sample that we choose
the person we will marry. For example, a woman who is in her twenties and is
planning to have children one day would be more likely to filter out potential
mates who are much older than herself simply because they may already have
children and do not want any more, or they are too old to have the patience and
energy to start a family at that point in their lives.
Several studies have been conducted to support the theory that people
generally participate in homogamous relationships. In one study of 278
undergraduates at East Carolina University, researchers found that college
students do tend to prefer someone who is similar to them when it comes to
choosing a dating partner (Knox, Zusman, & Nieves, 1997). However, it was
found that homogamy was even more important to the college students when it
came to choosing a marriage partner. When they compared the responses of
the males and females in the study, they found that physical appearance was
much more likely to be important for men in choosing both a dating and marriage
partner. For females, similarities in education and occupation was very important
in choosing a dating partner, but when choosing a potential spouse similar
religious values, age, education, marital status, desire for children, and
occupation were all very important. Finally, the respondents in the study felt that
14. homogamy was unlikely to make a marriage boring, rather it would lead to
happier more fulfilling relationships.
Age homogamous marriages have been on the increase since 1900. In
1900, almost half of all marriages were age heterogamous involving the husband
being five or more years older than his wife. By 1960 this had decreased
considerably to about one third of marriages and by 1980 to only a little more
than 25 percent. Between 1900 and 1980, the percentage of marriages in which
the husband and wife were homogamous in age (+I-4 years) rose from 37.1% to
69.9% (Atkinson & Glass, 1985). The 2000 Census Data did, however, show a
slight decline in age homogamous marriages to 60.2% (U.S. Census Bureau,
2000). Even with the moderate decline in age homogamous marriages from
1980 to 2000, almost two thirds of all marriages in the United States are
characterized by age homogamy.
There may be several explanations for this decline in heterogamous
marriages, especially in those where the husband is 5 or more years older. One
of these, noted by Atkinson and Glass (1985), is due to an increase in gender
equality in this country. As women become more equal in society they are less
likely to conform to traditional gender roles and patterns, therefore, foregoing the
usual pattern in marriage where the male is older than the female. One reason
for the large number of male-older marriages in the early 1900's is due to the fact
that younger women were looking for a man who was financially stable and able
to provide for a family since a large proportion of women did not work outside the
home at that time. As women become more equal in the workplace, as well as
15. begin to close the income gap, the need for this quality in a mate would then
decrease.
Heterogamy
The politics of heterogamy in marriage are still being debated to this day.
Does heterogamy necessarily mean that a marriage is doomed from the start?
Is, perhaps, variety really the spice of life? Are some marriages, in which the
heterogamous characteristics vary, more likely to survive than others? A study
conducted about the factors that affected marital quality over time showed that
marital heterogamy in general has increased significantly between 1980 and
2000. The instances of mixed racial and age discrepant relationships have risen
much more significantly than differences in religious values and education levels
have. Overall, however, it was shown that heterogamous marriages are more
likely to be unhappy than those that are homogamous (Amato, Johnson, Booth,
& Rogers, 2003). Given these results, the question whether or not the reason for
this unhappiness is due to actual incompatibility or instead to the societal
pressures for not marrying someone similar in characteristics must be raised.
In contrast to the above research, Vera et al. (1985) outlined a study of
age heterogamy in marriage that yielded vastly different results in marital quality.
They found when comparing gender, age, race and socioeconomic status that
these had no effect on the marital quality of couples from many different age
discrepant categories. In this study the researchers also found that age
heterogamous relationships are not necessarily predominantly just common to
16. middle and upper class relationships as had been rationalized in the past, rather
that they are most prevalent among those who are in the lower classes.
The tendency to marry someone who is of the same race, age, religion
and socioeconomic status is very strong in our society, so when people stray
from this general rule of thumb it is only natural that we wonder why someone
has done this. Certainly it is more acceptable today for people of different
backgrounds to marry one another than it was even two or three decades ago. It
is even glamorized in Hollywood. Notting Hill is a movie about a famous actress
falling in love with a man who owns a bookstore. It depicts how two people who
have vastly different backgrounds manage to fall in love despite the fact that they
are from separate worlds. My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding is another movie that is
an example of this. In a comedic way it shows how two people from different
backgrounds can fall in love and get married, and maintain a happy relationship
despite their difference in religious beliefs.
The Hollywood stars are also portrayed in the media as the "latest fashion"
in relationships when they stray from the rigid social code to marry someone with
similar characteristics and begin partnerships with those who are much different
from them. Anna Nicole Smith was among these celebrities who was all over the
news when she married a man old enough to be her grandfather, and of course,
in the eyes of society, the only reason she did it was for the wealth, power, and
prestige. Why wouldn't the reason simply have been because she loved him?
One of society's popular beliefs about marriages in which the husband is
significantly older than his wife is that he is marrying a "daughter image". This
17. comes from the idea that women who are much younger than their husbands
need an older, stronger man to depend on for security and comfort, much like a
daughter would depend on her father (Vera, Berardo, & Berardo, 1985).
Recently many women have also been in the spotlight for marrying or
dating men who are significantly younger than they are. Demi Moore, Joan
Lunden, Madonna, and Courtney Cox Arquette are just some of these examples.
Vera et al. (1985) cite that society looks down upon these relationships because
of the incest taboo. In essence, the large age difference between the woman
and the man is seen as a motherlson relationship. While the involvement is not
incestual by nature in this case, it does tend to remind people of this idea.
Certainly, the media coverage these celebrities are getting is more than just the
glamour effects of their age discrepant relationships, it is also society's way of
saying that they have broken the norm and ventured outside the boundaries of
acceptable practices in dating and marriage.
According to Shehan, Berardo, Vera, & Carley (1991), 22 percent of
weddings performed every year in the United States involve women who are
older than their husbands. In one county in Florida, a study that was conducted
determined that almost one in four marriages involved an older woman marrying
a younger man. This is a relatively surprising statistic given the apprehension to
such marriages in our society. Certainly this reported data about such a large
number of marriages involving women who were older than their husbands could
be skewed, and therefore, might actually be due to the fact that different studies
look at different age gaps (e.g. one looks at 5 or more years age difference, and
18. others look at only 2 or more), and thus the percentages of this type of marriage
can vary greatly in the literature. The greater the difference in age classification
between the spouses, the less likely as many marriages will fall into the age
heterogamous category (Shehan et al., 1991).
Another study of 1,407 single men and 2,094 single women, aged 40 to
69, conducted for the AARP, reported that 20 percent of the women surveyed
were dating, or had recently dated a man that was 5 or more years younger than
they were (Montenegro, 2003). This certainly shows that increasingly more
women who are single during midlife are turning to younger men for
companionship.
Type of Persons Engaging in Age Heterogamous Relationships
When looking at age heterogamous relationships, many people have
theorized about why they exist. In particular researchers in the field have paid
special attention to a number of predictors for this type of partnering. Factors
such as race, ethnicity, education, and marital history are among these. While
the goal of this paper is to explore the issues that come up for in marriages
where the women are older than their husbands, there is limited research solely
on this topic. However there have been just a few significant studies that look at
age hypergamy (wife is younger than her husband) and age hypogamy (wife is
older than her husband) (Shehan, Berardo, Vera, & Carley, 1991).
In looking at race and ethnicity, Shehan et al. (1991) found that black
women are much more likely than white women to be involved in marriages
where they are 5 years or more older than their husbands, as well as marriages
19. where their husbands are 10 or more years older than they are. The same
researchers also found that Spanish-American women were more likely than
other women to be 10 or more years younger than their husbands.
Education also plays an important role in determining the likelihood that a
woman will participate in an age heterogamous marriage. Social scientists have
theorized that an increase in education may be associated with an increase in
the tendency of women to participate in heterogamous relationships (Shehan et
al., 1991). The idea being that these women would first of all marry later, thus
lessening their pool or potential mates and increasing their likelihood of marrying
someone younger, as well as possess more liberal ideas about marriage.
However, Shehan et al. (1991) found that the opposite was the case in their
study. Instead, increased educational attainment for women was actually
negatively correlated with the chances that a woman would be involved in either
a husband older or husband younger relationship. In other words, as education
for women increases, the likelihood that she will be involved in an age
heterogamous relationship decreases. The same researchers also found that
women who are in educational heterogamous marriages, as well as those who
are in ethnically heterogamous marriages are much more likely to be 10 or more
years younger than their husbands in comparison to their homogamous
counterparts. Finally, women who are in mixed race relationships are twice as
likely to be much younger than their partners.
According to the same study (Shehan et al. 1991) homogamous
relationships are most likely to occur for women who are participating in first
20. marriages. In contrast, women who are in second marriages were seven times
more apt to be in relationships where they were older than their husbands. For
both black and white women, remarriage increased the likelihood that they would
participate in an age heterogamous relationship. Overall, white women who
participated in racial, ethnic, and educational heterogamous relationships were
the most likely to also participate in age discrepant marriages. Simply put,
crossing one societal boundary increased the chance that they would be willing
to cross others.
In a study discussed by Atkinson and Glass (1985), variables such as
wife's education, wife's employment status, both husband's and wife's
occupational status, annual family income, race, rurality of residence, and wife's
country of birth were explored in relation to age discrepant relationships. In this
study data from the 1900, 1960, and 1980 U.S Census was compared. As was
discussed earlier, there were many more age heterogamous marriages in 1900
than there were in 1980 with most being husband-older.
The comparison of data showed that in 1900 women who were 39 years
of age or younger and married to men who were at least 5 years younger were
more likely to have been married longer than those who were similar in age and
those who were younger than their husbands by at least five years. Women,
aged 40-64 who were in husband younger marriages were also more likely to
have been married longer as well as have been foreign born, and more likely to
be black than women married to men similar and older in age. Finally, like the
21. middle aged women, those who were ages 65 and older and married to younger
men, were more likely to be foreign born (Atkinson & Glass 1985).
The 1960 census data showed that both women in the youngest age
group, and those who were middle aged who had less education and had been
married 2 or more times, were the most likely to be in age heterogamous
relationships. The oldest age group involved the wife's number of marriages and
the husband's occupational status as a predictor of whether or not the women
would participate in an age discrepant marriage (Atkinson & Glass, 1985).
According to the 1980 census data, women aged 39 and under were most
likely to be unemployed and have a low family income if they were involved in a
marriage where they were older than their husband. Women who were between
the ages 40-64 and involved in a husband younger or husband older relationship
were most likely to be black, have a low education level, and have the lowest
family income. In general, the data from the 1900, 1960, and 1980 censuses
showed that women who were foreign born, had lower educational levels, family
income, and occupational status, and were likely to be unemployed, black, and
married more than once were significantly more likely to be involved in an age
discrepant marriage (Atkinson & Glass, 1985).
In an analysis of British survey data collected in the late 19703s,
researchers found that the data depicted a very unusual pattern in men and
women's marriage tendencies (Bytheway, 1981). In a comparison of all
marriages in England and Wales, it was found that men were least likely to marry
older women during their early twenties. However, middle-aged men (40-44
22. years) were most likely to participate in marriages in which they were younger
than their wives. This tendency decreased dramatically for men in their mid to
late 60's and beyond. Women in their early twenties were least likely to marry a
younger man. Conversely, women aged 35-39 were the most likely to marry
younger men compared to those in other age categories. This pattern decreased
throughout women's late forties, fifties and early sixties, with an increase again in
their early seventies (Bytheway, 1981).
Bytheway (1981) theorizes that this pattern of marriage is due to the fact
that there are some people who do not get married at the expected average age
and, thus, continue participating in the dating and social rituals that accompany
single hood. Therefore, those who do this and remain unmarried into middle age
are likely to marry people younger than themselves. This tends to be particularly
true for women more so than men.
Issues Raised in Woman-Older, Age Heterogamous Marriages
A study conducted by Seskin and Ziegler (1979) involved the interviews
with seventy-six women who were in woman-older relationships. The results of
this study contained in Seskin and Ziegler's book, Older WomenNounger Men,
did not report any statistics, however, general themes were explored. According
to some of the women, a large part of their initial willingness to participate in a
socially unaccepted relationship like this was the attractiveness of their partner.
Many were attracted to the men simply because of their youth and the physical
attractions that accompany it. Others found the liveliness of their partners to be
striking mostly due to the fact that they were much younger. The woman
23. reported that one of the best parts about being involved in this type of
relationship was that it made them feel younger. This was simply because they
were not with someone who was also at the same point in aging as they were,
and thus the younger man was not necessarily worrying about aging because he
was not there yet, or at least not to an advanced point. However, the age
difference did raise some issues of insecurity for the women surrounding their
attractiveness when it came to intimacy. Even women who considered
themselves to be in good shape, reported that they wondered if they could
compare with the beauty that is associated with youth and still capture their
younger partner's attention.
The women who participated in Seskin and Ziegler's (1979) interviews
reported that they did feel the social pressures from both their peers and even
children (if they had any from a previous marriage) surrounding the type of
relationship they were participating in. Like the rest of society many of the
women's friends could not understand why or how such a relationship could
work, much less why the women were inclined to stay with their younger men.
The women who had children from a previous relationship reported that their
children also felt embarrassed at the site of being with the couple in public,
especially when the age difference was visibly noticeable. Certainly these
reactions play into the social definitions of what is and is not acceptable for
relationships. Vast age differences, especially in woman older relationships
clearly violate the norms in this society.
24. Another interesting finding of these interviews was that many males who
were involved in relationships where their partner was older recalled having a
sexual experience with an older woman while they were only adolescents
(Seskin and Ziegler, 1979). If these responses are accurate and are true for
many husband younger relationships, perhaps then we can suggest that the men
who marry older women have always had a passion for them even from a very
young age. It may be no different than one's preference for a particular type of
person. Many people are attracted only, or most often, to brunettes or blue-eyed
mates, for example. Thus, an attraction to only, or mostly, older women may
simply be a matter of liking a particular type of person.
There are many issues that come up in any type of marital relationship,
but are there specific issues that are unique to husband-younger marriages?
One issue that can be very prevalent in this type of relationship is money.
Perhaps she makes more money than he does. This can certainly become a
problem, especially when society still says that the man should be the primary
breadwinner. A study of couples in long-term (five years and longer), woman-
older relationships conducted by Brings and Winter (2000) found that the women
in their study felt badly about making more money than their partners, as well as
already being more financially sound because they were well established in their
careers, and in some cases it led to conflict between the couple, especially when
they were dating. The women who were interviewed in Seskin and Ziegler's
(1979) study found that aging, particularly for the woman (if there was a visible
age difference), brought out many insecurities. The women did feel, however,
25. that the age difference did not play a very large role in everyday life, and was
able to be "brushed under the carpet". When they looked at the big picture, the
women reported that the issue of age did come up periodically and was unable to
be completely forgotten by the couple.
The study conducted by Brings and Winter (2000) also showed another
issue that is unique to woman-older relationships. This involved the
developmental stage of the male in the relationship. Brings and Winter
concluded that men in their twenties who were dating older women may not be
as ready to be involved in a committed relationship as older men are, simply
because they are still discovering who they are and what they want out of life.
Summary
"Like attracts like" is a general rule of thumb for selecting dating and
marital partners. This theory tends to still be true in many relationships today. In
most cases the person you will marry has a similar education and socioeconomic
status, and is also the same race and age, with the man in the relationship being
about 2 years older than his partner. However, there has been a shift from the
almost purely homogamous relationships of the 40's, 501s,and 60's to the more
heterogamous relationships of the 801s,go's, and today. Mixed racial and ethnic
as well as interfaith marriages have certainly become more widely practiced as
well as accepted in today's society. Husband older relationships are customary,
especially when the age difference is only a few years. However, even when it
means that the husband is significantly older, we, as a culture, are much more
likely to accept it than if the age difference was the opposite case.
26. While the literature on age discrepant relationships is very limited and
deserves further research that is more recent, some of its findings are very
significant. Race, ethnicity, education levels, participating in one or more
previous marriages, employment status, and if a woman was foreign born are all
factors that contribute to the likelihood that a woman would participate in an age
discrepant marriage. As the British survey data indicates, women who have
reached their late thirties, and men who are in their early forties also have the
best chance of choosing a husband younger relationship.
Age discrepant marriages that involve women who are older than their
husbands can be just as rewarding and happy as all other relationships. It
appears that only societal pressures and the couple's ability to acknowledge and
ignore these distinctions inevitably keep these marriages from being the same as
any other. Attitudes toward husband younger relationships are slowly beginning
to change as more are reported. However, much more time is needed for any
this type of age discrepant relationship to be fully accepted in society. More
research is certainly needed in this area to be able to completely determine what
factors inevitably lead a person to enter into a husband younger relationship, and
also what issues are raised for the couple as a direct result of this age difference.
Purpose of Study and Research Questions
The purpose of this study was to gain insight into the issues that arise in
marriages in which the woman is significantly older than her husband. More
specifically, this research focused on three research questions:
27. Research Question 1:What impact has the age difference (specifically
because the woman is significantly older) had on the relationship?
Research Question 2: What issues are presented by the couples involved
in age heterogamous marriages in which the woman is older?
Research Question 3: Do husbands and wives perceive different issues
being raised within the context of the woman-older marriage?
While a small number of studies have been conducted on this topic,
those that present any scholarly results are out of date and are very limited in
their findings (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979). Very little has actually been reported
about the issues that arise within these marriages. In the rare case that they
have been reported they are not done in a statistical manner showing that a
certain percentage of women or men in these marriages identify a particular
issue, rather they only include brief stories given by the couples that were
interviewed (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979; Brings & Winter, 2000). Furthermore, very
few men have actually been interviewed about their perception of being involved
in a woman-older marriage, and none of the research shows a comparison
between men and women about what they perceive to be the issues that are
raised.
Most of the research conducted has been done regarding the "type" of
people who are likely to engage in an age discrepant relationship where the
woman is older than her husband (Atkinson & Glass, 1985; Bytheway, 1981;
Shehan, Berardo, Vera, & Carley, 1991; Vera, Berardo, & Berardo, 1985).
Further investigation is needed to determine the impact that the woman being
28. significantly older than her husband has upon the marriage as well as the issues
that are unique to this type of relationship. Finally, further research on the
difference in perceptions between men and women who are involved in this type
of age discrepant relationship is also needed.
29. CHAPTER 3
METHODOLOGY
Sample
The study consisted of interviews with eight married couples involved in a
relationship where the woman is significantly older by eight or more years than
her husband. The husbands and wives were interviewed separately. The
convenience sampling method was employed due to the difficulty of identifying
the couples to be interviewed and because of the time limitations of the thesis
project. The participants were found through contacts with committee members,
co-workers, acquaintances of the primary investigator, and word of mouth.
Finally, an email was forwarded to several First Class conferences. See
Appendix A: Recruitment Email.
Demographics for the sample were obtained from questions 1-13 of the
interview protocol and are presented in Table 1. The couples in the sample
ranged in age from 24 to 61, with males age ranging from 24 to 51, and females
from 34 to 61. The age difference between the husband and wife ranged from
her being 8 years older to 17 years older. All but one participant identified their
racelethnicity as Caucasian (one male identified as Asian). Most couples could
be described as middle class, with most having at least college education (1 1: I 6)
and many holding professional positions (e.g., teacher, manager, computer
programmer, professor, academic counselor).
The age at the time of marriage for women ranged from 34 to 53 years
old, with 75% of the women being in their late 30's and early 40's (6:8). For
31. males, their age at marriage was 23 to 43 years old, with 75% of the men in their
early to mid-20's (6:8) at the time of marriage. The couples had been married
anywhere from 7months to 15 years, and dated from less than a year to 5 years
before marrying. All couples knew about their significant age difference before
becoming romantically involved. Many of the women (6:8) had been married at
least once before, while most of the men (6:8) had never been married
previously.
For women, 75% (6:8) have had a previous romantic relationship with a
younger man, while 50% (4:8) of the men had a previous romantic relationship
with an older woman. When asked if there was a trend of age-discrepant
romantic relationships in their own family, 44% (7:16) of the participants said
there was; four out of the seven were men who reported this trend in their family.
In looking at children, only one couple did not have any children from the
present or a previous relationship, and two other men never had children of their
own but became a stepfather to his wife's children from a previous marriage.
Three of the couples have children from this marriage, while most (63%) brought
anywhere from one to three children from a previous relationship (5:8 couples).
One of these couples had an adult child who never lived with them in this current
marriage. The children's ages ranged from 2 years to 35 years.
Interview Procedure
The interview consisted of 29 open-ended questions, and was approved
through the Human Subjects Committee at the University of Maine. See
Appendix B: Interview Questions. Questions 1-13 in the interview protocol were
32. questions pertaining to demographics of the each individual interviewed.
lnterview questions 14-18 explored the demographics of any children involved.
Each interview question from 19-29 was asked to gather enough information to
answer the three major research questions. Specifically, interview questions 19-
24 pertained to research question 1: What impact has the age difference
(specifically because the woman is significantly older) had on the relationship?
lnterview questions 25-29 pertained to research question 2: What issues are
presented by couples involved in age heterogamous relationships in which the
woman is older? The answers reported by the husband and wife, from interview
questions 19-29 were compared in order to answer research question 3: Do
husbands and wives perceive different issues being raised within the context of
the woman-older marriage?
Interview Technique
Couples who expressed interest in participating in this research were
given a copy of the consent form before an interview was scheduled. Consent
was implied when they agreed to arrange an interview after reviewing the
consent form. See Appendix C: Informed Consent.
Interviews with half (8 out of 16) of the participating couples were
conducted face-to-face either at the couples' home or in a private conference
room on the University of Maine campus. When face-to-face interviews were
unable to be conducted, phone interviews were used for the other half of the
participants. The interview took approximately one hour. During face-to-face
and phone interviews, notes were taken and the interviews were tape-recorded
33. when the participants were willing (half agreed to be taped). At the end of the
interview, subjects were given the opportunity to review their responses for
omissions or clarifications.
Participants were assured that any and all responses would be kept
confidential. No names were included in the data report; a code number was
assigned to each interview. The notes and tapes from the interviews were kept
in the locked office of the researcher. Only the primary investigator and her
advisor had access to the interview notes.
Data Analysis
This was an exploratory study and was completed using a relatively small
sample of participants. Therefore, the major portion of the data analysis utilized
descriptive statistics. Whenever possible, responses were analyzed and
examined for commonalities and differences.
34. CHAPTER 4
RESULTS
The purpose of this study was to gain insight into the issues that are
unique to marriages in which the woman is significantly older than her husband.
The results for the three research questions are presented below.
Research Question I
The first research question asked, "What impact has the age difference
(specifically because the woman is significantly older) had on the relationship?"
Six questions (Q19-24) from the interview schedule pertained to this area.
Results are presented in Table 2. The first question (Q19) asked participants to
identify the unique benefits of being in this type of relationship. The most typical
responses included: she has more life experiencelmaturity (n=7), she is more
established in her careerlfinances (n=6), a younger man helps keep her
younglactive (n=3), and not being stuck in traditional roles (n=3). Two mentioned
death and dying issues - one in reference to the husband being around for their
child should she die earlier, while another couple discussed the advantage of
dying at the same time (noting that women typically live 10 years longer than
men). Examples include:
"She helped me through areas I was not mature in, and she had
more life experience and perspective." (Husband, Couple #8)
"She has herself established with where she was in her life - she
had already established her professional career and owned her
own home." (Husband, Couple #4)
35. Table 2: Results for Research Question 1
l ~ h a Impact has the age difference (specifically because the woman is significantly older)
t I
-Life ExperienceIMaturity
-She is more Establilshed in her CareerIFinances
-Keeps her active
-Not Stuck in Traditional Roles
r
~uest6n
20: rawb backs
-Aging
-Social Stigma
Question 23: Reactions
-Family No lssues
-Family lssues
Children's Reactions (5 Couples With Children Old Enough)
-Children No lssues
-Children lssues
I
36. "He is an active person, and having a younger person helps me to
be active." (Wife, Couple # 6 )
"By marrying a younger man I am going against the traditional idea
that I should marry someone who is older and will take care of me."
(Wife, Couple #4)
The second question (Q20) asked couples to identify unique drawbacks to
this type of relationship. Two themes emerged: the issue of aging (as it relates to
looks, health, and being active) (n=7) and social stigma (n=4) attached to older
women being with younger men.
"I am concerned about aging and him still wanting me when I'm old
and wrinkly, and I don't want to look like his mother. " (Wife, Couple
#I >
' W e hesitate to tell others, for the most part, because we know how
people have reacted in the past and the remarks that have been
made. People are pretty close-minded." (Husband, Couple #5)
The third question (Q21) asked the subjects if the age difference played a
role in attracting them to their spouse. Six out of the sixteen participants said
that the age difference had played a role in their initial attraction to their spouse,
and three of the six noted that they had always been attracted to the age
difference. Examples include:
"Yes, the novelty of it was great and I was really attracted to his
boyish charm." (Wife, Couple #2).
37. "It did play a role in attracting me to her. Iguess you could say that
I've always had a thing for older women." (Husband, Couple #7)
The fourth question (Q22) asked couples about who knows about their
age difference, and if it is something they keep or initially kept as a secret. While
all of the couples reported that at least close friends and family were aware of
their age difference, half of the couples (4:8) reported that they had some
hesitancy around telling others about their age difference, especially in the
beginning of their relationship. Two examples include:
'All of our friends and family know. We didn't necessarily keep it as
a secret, but we didn't say anything to family members until they
got to know her first."(Husband, Couple #6)
'Everyone knows. Initially Ikept it as a secret and Ieven lied about
his age. Ididn't tell my mother for a long time how young he
actually was." (Wife, Couple #I
)
The fifth question (Q23) asked about people's reaction to the age
difference and the kinds of responses they received. While nine of the sixteen
participants said that their family was fine, seven said that their family had
negative reactions to the age difference, at least initially and especially the
mother. Four of these couples said that her parents were skeptical or against the
relationship, and three couples identified that his parents expressed concern.
Examples of family reactions include:
"Her mother had big doubts about the relationship." (Husband,
Couple #2)
38. "Our parents were absolutely dumbfounded and in disbelief about
the relationship because we look so obviously different in age. "
(Husband, Couple #3)
"My parents weren't bothered at all. In fact, m y father was happy
that Ifound someone to love." (Wife, Couple #4)
"His parents were concerned at first, but since his mother is 4 years
older than his father, that helped." (Wife, Couple #6)
This question also asked couples that had children about their children's
reaction. Five of the couples had children old enough to understand the age
difference. Three couples reported that their children had a negative reaction to
the relationship, at least initially, due to the fact that the husband is close in age
to her children from a previous relationship. One couple commented that they
have had positive reactions from their children. Examples include:
"Her kids think I'm cool, but there are power struggles over who
parents the kids because Iam close to their age." (Husband,
Couple # I )
"We both had teens from previous marriages and have had good
reactions, in fact m y daughter actually fixed us up!" (Husband,
Couple #5)
Three of the couples reported that their friends had reservations about the
relationship (referring to it as "robbing the cradle"). On the other hand, one of the
participants (Wife, Couple #5) noted that her friends saw it as a good thing
"Thank god he's younger because she'd kill someone her own age" (because
39. she's so active and it's assumed that a man her age wouldn't be able to keep
UP).
The last question that pertains to research question one (Q24) asked if
age differences could be forgotten. Overall, most participants agreed (14:16)
that age differences can be forgotten on a daily basis, however instances such
as birthdays, filling out forms that ask for ages, and talk of her retirement are
examples of times when age cannot be forgotten. Examples include:
'Yes, in everyday life it can be forgotten although it is always
present underneath." (Wife, Couple #2)
"No, I don't think so. I think about it occasionally and I have
concerns about not wanting to be a burden on him later in life."
(Wife, Couple #6)
Research Question 2
The second research question asked, "What issues are presented by the
couples involved in age heterogamous marriages in which the woman is older?"
Five questions (Q25-29) from the interview schedule pertained to this area.
Results are presented in Table 3. The first question (Q25) asked if the
participants had doubts about continuinglpursuing the relationship once they
discovered the age difference, and if so what issues were raised. Nine of the
sixteen participants stated that they did have doubts about continuing the
relationship because of the age difference, while seven did not. The most
common reasons for doubting identified were about her aging (n=4), acceptance
by family (n=3), and having a pre-made familylstep-parenting (n=3).
40. Table 3: Results for Research Question 2
l ~ h a Issues are presented by the couples involved in age heterogamous marriages in which
t 1
-No Doubts
Question 28: When Does Age Come Issue
-Work/Career
-Power Struggles
-Money
-Interests
Other -Fertility
-No More Children
41. 'The age difference seems small now, but I feel that it will be a
bigger issue later in life as she grows older and begins to break
down." (Husband, Couple #8)
"I had doubts about my family's reaction to the age difference
especially since my son is only a few years younger than him. I
was also worried about my daughter not liking it." (Wife, Couple
#3 )
"I did have doubts about marrying into a pre-made family and
wondered if I really wanted to marry into this." (Husband, Couple
)
#I
The second question (Q26) asked if the age difference affected intimacy
especially around experience and attractiveness. Twelve of the sixteen subjects
stated that they did not have any issues with intimacy because of the age
difference; while four stated that it was an issue for them (two were related to
experience; two were related to attractiveness). Examples included:
"She had been with more people and this was a concern for me."
(Husband, Couple #2)
"There are body issues around not feeling slim and trim and it's a
struggle to keep a youthful body." (Wife, Couple #6)
"There are issues around her lack of experience because there is a
decade of difference in things that are acceptable." (Husband,
Couple #8)
42. The third question (Q27) asked if the age difference was a bigger issue for
himlher or their spouse. Five participants did not see this as an issue for either
of them, however eight reported that it was a bigger issue for her (5 husbands
and 3 wives said this). Only three subjects reported that it was a bigger issue for
him (2 husbands and 1 wife said this). Examples include:
'Xge difference is bigger for her because she is concerned about
me finding her attractive when we get older. " (Husband, Couple
#I1
"I am very self-conscious that I look older than he does. " (Wife,
Couple #5).
The fourth question (Q28) asked couples to identify when age comes
up as an issue particularly in areas such as worklcareer, power struggles,
money, and ageldevelopmental issues. Only two couples felt that there were
issues related to worklcareer. Three couples identified power struggles due to
the age difference as an issue in their marriage. No couples identified money as
an issue, even though in three relationships she makes more than he does. Four
of the eight couples identified different interests due to their ageldevelopmental
differences; all four of the couples stated that they have different music and
television/movie interests. Three examples include:
"I felt pressure to establish my own career because she was so
established; she wasn't going to wait around for me to get my act
together." (Husband, Couple #4)
43. "He treats me like a parent and once in a while he'll even call me
mom by accident." (Wife, Couple #3)
"We have different music and TV interests. Let me put it this way, I
saw the original Brady Bunch and he saw the re-runs." (Wife,
Couple #4)
Other issues identified by the participants centered on fertility (biological
clock) as well as her not wanting to have any more children. Half of the couples
raised these as concerns.
"By the time we met and married my biological clock had already
run out so we missed out on having children. " (Wife, Couple #6)
'Age made a difference when we were deciding to have kids.
Because of my age, I didn't want to wait, he would have liked to
wait a while." (Wife, Couple # 8 )
"She already had children and doesn't want any more kids, even
though I would like to father my own children." (Husband, Couple
#2)
Finally, the last question (Q29) asked participants what advice they would
give to other couples entering into this type of marriage. A list of suggestions can
found in Table 4. The advice ranged from not letting age be a factor, to being
realistic and aware of the differences that may exist. One of the themes that was
most apparent in the advice given was that the subjects felt participating in a
woman-older relationship was certainly something that they would recommend to
others, but that it was important for them to know what they were getting into.
44. Table 4: Advice for People Entering This Type of Marriage (Question 29)
- "Know what you want: don't try to make people younger or older, just let them be who they
are."
I
- "Be prepared for the nasty comments."
- "Be prepared that there are people who don't approve."
- "Go for it if you can set the differences aside".
- "Work out her being a mother."
- "Don't worry about what others think, you are the ones who have to be happy."
- "If it's going to be successful you have to make sure that you get past the age difference
because it could be destructive. This is the best way to be successful."
- "If the guy gets hung up on the fact that they girl is older then it won't work."
- "The guy has to accept the fact that he needs to have a healthy ego and not fall into
traditional roles."
- "To some extent age shouldn't matter, it's how you get along with someone".
- "As long as you don't mind, I'd say it would be alright."
- "You have to make up your own mind, it depends on the individual."
- "There are differences and they will exist and adding age is another issue you have to work
around. You have to work around it and work together. Watch out because age can apply
to interests and to children."
- "A good friend told me that what matters is that we are in the same place."
- "Can't disregard people because of their age."
- "Take things day by day and don't let it consume you."
- "It can make things more interesting."
- "Follow your heart and don't stop talking: communicate."
- "Pretend each day is your honeymoon."
- "I'm doing what men have been doing for centuries."
- "Shouldn't put your head in the sand."
- "Go into it with eyes wide open and be realistic."
- "While it may not be an issue for you, it may be for others so you need to be secure in your
relationship."
- "Be glad that you aren't in a stereotypical relationship; it's great for women."
- "Be careful about not putting the person in the parent role and the other in the child role."
- "Put the age issue behind them. A relationship isn't based on numbers. Any relationship i:
built on morals and important commonalities."
- "I would not let age enter into it."
- "lt's a hard thing to do. Take a look again at your goals and objectives, but play them
against each other's while looking at moving into older age."
- "lt's about the level of trust you have for each of you that the relationship will last."
- "You have to be very honest when combining households. You have to look at what you
are letting go of and it's important to discuss what has sentimental value."
- "Same as to anyone getting married: take time to get to know the person and love and
respect them. Age doesn't matter."
- "Don't let social conventions about older women and younger men get in the way."
45. Another theme that emerged was to be aware of what society was thinking and
to be prepared for the social stigma that surrounds this type of relationship.
Research Question 3
The third research question asked, "Do husbands and wives perceive
different issues being raised within the context of the woman-older marriage?"
Eleven questions (19-29) from the interview protocol pertained to this area.
There were no differences between what husbands and wives had to say in
several areas including whether they hesitated to tell anyone about their
relationship (Q22), their family and children's reactions (Q23), impact on their
intimacy (Q26), and when age comes up as an issue (Q28).
However, there were a number of differences in the way wives and
husbands responded to several questions that may indicate a variation in their
experience within this type of marriage as presented in Tables 2 and 3. In
question 19 there was a difference between what men and women identified as
benefits of being involved in a woman-older marriage. Men overwhelmingly
described the woman having life experience as being a benefit (6:8 as compared
to 1:8 women). Men also identified more often than women that her being more
established in her careerlfinances was also a benefit (4:8 as compared to 2:8
women). In question 20 women identified more often than men the social stigma
as a drawback to this type of relationship than men (3:8 women and 1:8 men).
Question 21 asked the husbands and wives if the age difference attracted
them to their spouse. While the men identified more often than the women that
the age difference attracted them to their spouse (4:8 men said yes and 2:8
46. women said yes), the women identified more often that his younger age was not
a factor in her attraction to him (6:8 women said no and 4:8 men said no). When
asked if age difference can be forgotten (Q24), more men than women said yes
(8:8 men and 6:8 women).
Question 25 asked if the participants had doubts about
continuing/pursuing the relationship, and the wives were much more likely to say
that they did have doubts (7:8) as compared to the men who said they had no
doubts (6:8). When asked if age difference is a bigger issue for your or your
spouse (Q27), the husbands were much more likely to identify the wives as
having the bigger problem (5:8), whereas the wives were more likely to say that
neither of them saw the age difference as a big issue (4:8).
47. CHAPTER 5
DISCUSSION
This study provided some insight into the lives of eight married couples
involved in an age-heterogamous relationship where the wife was eight or more
years older than her husband. The interviews explored three major areas of
interest: the impact that age has difference has on the relationship, the issues
that arise for the couple, and any differences in husbands and wives experience.
The results will be discussed below as well implications for couples in this type of
relationship and further research. Limitations for this study will also be noted.
The couples that were interviewed in this study supported much of the
research in regards to who these women are that marry a man who is
significantly younger. As previous studies have found, these women tend to be
educated (Atkinson and Glass, 1985), marry later in life (Shehan et.al., 1991),
and in a second marriage (Shehan et.al., 1991). In fact, six of the eight women
interviewed for this study had at least a college education, were in their late 30's
to early 40's when marrying their husband, and had been married at least once
before. In addition one study (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979) found that women
reported that they had been attracted to younger men in the past. In fact in this
study six of the women interviewed for this study had been previously involved
with younger men.
It is interesting to note that many of the couples that were interviewed
appeared to be similar in age and therefore no one would ever guess that there
was such a difference. This might explain why so many of the couples did not
48. see their relationship as a big challenge unless they told others about their age
difference.
Research Question 1
The literature on the topic of age-heterogamous relationships in which the
woman is significantly older than her husband is scarce and much of the
literature that does exist is either outdated or has only determined what "type" of
person engages in this kind of marriage (Atkinson & Glass, 1985; Bytheway,
1981; Seskin & Ziegler, 1979; Shehan, Berardo, Vera, & Carley, 1991; Vera,
Berardo, & Berardo, 1985).
One study (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979) briefly explored the impact that that
age difference can have on the relationship and identified that many women
reported feeling social pressures from their friends and family. This finding was
supported by the present research in which almost half of the women reported
that the social stigma surrounding the woman-older marriage was a drawback to
the relationship. Further, half of the men and women reported that their family
and children had problems, at least initially, with their marriage because of its
unconventional nature. This study also found that half of the couples reported
that they were hesitant to tell their friends and family about their relationship.
In addition, Seskin & Ziegler (1979) also found that many women in
woman-older relationships reported that they are attracted to younger men.
However the present study found that it wasn't the women, but actually was the
men. Half of the men reported that they had dated an older woman and were
49. specifically interested in her because of her age. Unfortunately, there is little
research on the men who date and marry these women.
The couples interview in this study were asked if it was possible to forget
their age difference and the overwhelming majority of the couples reported that it
was possible on a daily basis, but overall the age difference could not be
forgotten. This supported Seskin and Ziegler's (1979) research who found in
their study that age difference did not play a very big role in every day life, and
was able to be "brushed under the carpet." However the women in their study
noted that when they looked at the big picture, the issue of age did come up
periodically and they were unable to forget it completely. In the present study,
this was found to be true for the women and also true for the men.
Research Question 2
There were several issues presented by the couples from the interviews in
this study. Women had more doubts about entering into a women-older
relationship because of that fact she will age sooner. Some women also
identified that intimacy was affected by the age difference and reported that
attractiveness was the biggest issue. These finding are supported by one study
(Seskin & Ziegler, 1979) that found the issues that came up for women included
issues surrounding her aging sooner and intimacy, particularly attractiveness.
When asked if age became an issue around work, power, money, or
interests it was more frequently reported to be an issue for the couple in terms of
their different developmental stages and, therefore, reported differences in
interests (e.g. music and television). This supports previous research by Brings
50. & Winter (2000). Interestingly enough money was not reported by any of the
couples as an issue, despite previous research that stated her making more
money was the most common source of conflict in this type of marriage (Seskin
& Ziegler, 1979). In fact, many men in this study reported her making more
money to be an advantage rather than a problem. It might be important to note
that the previous research was conducted in 1979 and the current findings might
suggest that times have changed.
One area that has not been mentioned in the research, but was mentioned
by half of the participants, related to issues of fertility and her not wanting to have
more children. Several noted that by marrying at the end of the woman's fertile
years their "biological clock" had run out. Due to the nature of this type of
marriage it seems obvious that this would be a major concern and certainly one
that should be looked into in further research.
Finally, all of the couples in this study shared advice for those couples that
may be entering into this type of marriage. The couples acknowledged that a
social stigma still exists around this type of marriage. The overwhelming content
of the advice centered on being realistic about the age difference, and
recommended that you confront and deal with it directly.
Research Question 3
There is no information in the literature that has looked at how wives and
husbands perceive their woman-older marriage and what they see to be the
issues that are raised within this marriage. This small exploratory study identified
several things that differed between men and women and suggests that overall,
51. men and women may view their relationship and the issues raised within it
somewhat differently. An important finding to note about this study is that both
men and women are affected by this type of marital arrangement, despite the
focus in the literature on just the women in these types of relationships.
This study found that many men see her having life experience, maturity,
and an established career as an advantage, which goes against the traditional
thinking that the man is supposed to be the one who is more established and
making more money. In fact, the men in this study reported that they were
attracted to her because of the age difference. On the other hand, while it is
more acceptable for him to go against traditional roles, it is less acceptable for
women. This study showed that women still continue to have more doubts, and
the age difference is seen as a bigger issue for her.
In looking at the big picture about what all of this means, it is apparent that
the social stigmas surrounding these woman-older marriages are still alive and
well. However, the couples in these relationships don't seem to be as bothered
by the age difference as the rest of society is. Society places a lot of emphasis
on appearance, and the women in this sample seemed the most concerned
about aging and looking older. On the other hand, men did not appear to be as
worried about this. The men in this study certainly go against the traditional roles
of men, but definitely viewed that as a benefit rather than a drawback to the
relationship.
52. Implications
Despite the fact that this was a small exploratory study, the findings
provide some implications for professionals working with individuals and couples
(e.g. counseling). Many issues were raised and important advice given in this
study. On a more negative side, it is essential to be aware of the social stigma
that still exists around this type of marriage and to note that she will carry the
greater burden of going against social conventions. Clearly, some couples
experienced family disapproval and therefore it is extremely important to have
clear boundaries around their relationship. Due to the nature of this type of
marriage where she is typically in her late 30's or early 40's, both pregnancy and
parenting issues need to be addressed.
On a more positive note, these findings suggest that a single woman
should recognize that there are men interested in a relationship with an older
woman and they are not intimidated by the age difference. In addition, most
couples in this type of relationship reported that it does not have to affect
intimacy in any way. Finally, it's important to realize that all relationships have
their problems and it is essential not to jump to the conclusion that the age
difference doesn't have to be the reason.
For further research it would be important to consider interviewing couples
together as well as separately, and have all interviews face-to-face. This would
provide the researcher with a more complete picture of the relationship and the
issues faced. It may be beneficial for future researchers to interview only
couples that have no children from previous relationships due to the fact that
53. adding children into the mix may produce added confounding variables. It would
also be important for future research to compare man-older to woman-older
marriages in order to determine if the issues being raised in the relationship are
specific to age or to gender roles. In addition, the results of this study made it
clear that there are a number of areas that could be further explored such as
pregnancy and parenting issues (such as having to have children sooner
because of the "biological clock", not being able to have children, or not wanting
anymore children), power struggles between the couple, and focusing more
closely on the men in these relationships.
Limitations
This study was conducted locally and was a small, nonrandom sample of
convenience, and therefore cannot be generalized to any outside population.
One limitation of this study may be that the researcher was a young female. This
may have affected the way in which participants responded to the researcher.
The participants were also mostly Caucasian (with the exception of one); issues
raised by couples of different raceslethnicities may be dissimilar. The sample,
overall, was highly educated and this may have skewed the results. A more
even level of education for the sample may have brought forth other issues. The
variety in length of marriage and wide range of age differences in this sample
may also be a further limitation. Sample groups that were more homogamous in
these may have yielded different results.
Only half of the participants could be interviewed face-to-face, and few
were willing to be tape-recorded. The interview format of this research may have
54. caused potential subjects to be more reluctant to participate in this research, as
well as for those who participated to be embarrassed and, therefore, not be as
forthcoming in the interview. Also the mixed method of interviewing may have
yielded different answers because of the different formats.
The analysis of data in this study might be a further limitation. The
research yielded a wide variety of responses that were analyzed for themes and
patterns. This was difficult because the researcher used her own subjective
ideas to classify and categorize the responses. Researcher bias may have
distorted the interpretation of the responses. However, since the primary
researcher collaborated with another researcher, this may have helped to
minimize the bias.
Many of the results focused on the negative impact that the woman-older
relationship has on the wife. This may be due to the fact that there was a
negative bias in the questions focusing on her being older in the relationship
rather than on him being younger. This may explain why the responses tended
to have a more one-sided focus on how this type of marriage affects her. This
can be seen most obviously in the wording of question 28. For example, when
asked if there are worklcareer issues, the prompt given is that she may have a
more prestigious career and that she may be more established.
Despite all the limitations, this research has opened the door to an area
that is little explored and in need of further research. Clearly society has
changed in such a way that has made this type of relationship less of an
anomaly. As the 2003 AARP study found, 20% of women aged 40 to 69 are
55. dating younger men (Montenegro, 2003). This is clearly an area that is untapped
for research.
This trend of woman-older marriage may certainly reflect the changing
culture and family structure. If this is true and families are changing along with
cultural attitudes then we are likely to see this trend continue, not only within age-
heterogamous relationships, but across all racial, ethnic, religious, orientation,
and other boundaries.
56. REFERENCES
Amato, P., Johnson, D. R., Booth, A., Rogers, S. J. (2003). Continuity and
change in marital quality between 1980 and 2000. Journal of Marriage
and the Family, 65; 1-22.
Atkinson, M. P., Glass, B. L. (1985). Marital age heterogamy and homogamy,
1900 to 1980. Journal of Marriage and the Family,47, 685-69 1.
Brings, F., Winter, S. (2000). Older Women, Younger Men. New Horizon Press;
Far Hills, New Jersey.
Bytheway, W. R. (1981). The variation with age of age differences in marriage.
Journal of Marriage and the Family, 43, 923-927.
Houston, V. (1987). Loving a Younger Man. Contemporary Books, Inc.; New
York, New York.
Kerckhoff, A. C., Davis, K. E. (1962). Value consensus and need
complimentarity in mate selection. American Sociological Review, 27,
295-303.
Knox, D., Britton, T., Crisp, B. (1997). Age discrepant relationships reported by
university faculty and their students. College Student Journal, 31, 290-
292.
Knox, D., Zusman, M., Nieves, W. (1997). College students' homogamous
preferences for a date and mate. College Student Journal, 31, 445-448.
Montenegro, X. P. (2003). Lifestyles, dating and romance: a study of midlife
singles. AARP: The Magazine, 1-16.
Picket, L.S. (2003). In praise of your men. 0 : The Oprah Magazine, 83-88.
Seskin, J., Ziegler, B. (1979). Older WomenNounger Men. Anchor
Press/Doubleday; Garden City, New York.
Shehan, C. L., Berardo, F. M., Vera, H., Carley, S. M. (1991). Women in age-
discrepant marriages. Journal of Family Issues, 12, 291-305.
Vera, H., Berardo, D. H., Berardo, F. M. (1985). Age heterogamy in marriage.
Journal of Marriage and the Family, 47, 553-566.
57. APPENDIX A
RECRUITMENT EMAlL
Hi. My name is Nichole Proulx-King, and I'm a second year graduate
student in Human Development. I'm working on my master's thesis this
semester. The topic of my thesis deals with the impact of age differences in
marriage. More specifically, I am looking at the issues that are raised within the
marriage, as well as by those people outside the marriage, when the woman is
significantly older than her husband.
I am currently looking for couples to interview in which the female partner
is older than her husband. The woman must be at least 8 or more years older
than her husband, and the couple must be married.
The interviews will be about an hour long, and will consist of questions
about the demographics of the couple (e.g. age, race, education, length of
courtship, etc.), demographics of any children (e.g. number of children, age,
etc.), benefits and drawbacks to this type of relationship, people's reactions to
this relationship (e.g. who knows, their responses, etc.), and finally when does
age come up as an issue (e.g. worklcareer, power struggles, etc.). The
interviews will be kept completely confidential, and no names will appear in my
thesis.
If you or someone you know is involved in a marriage where the woman is
significantly older than the man and would consider participating in this research,
please feel free to contact me on first class at nichole.proulx@umit.maine.edu.
58. APPENDIX B
INTERVIEW QUESTIONS
Demographics:
1. What is your age?
2. What is your sex?
3. What is your race?
4. What is your occupation(s)?
5. How old were you when you married your current partner?
6. How long have you been married to your current partner?
7. How long were you romantically involved with your current partner before getting
married?
8. When did you discover the age difference: before or after becoming romantically
involved?
9. How many times have you been married before this current marriage?
10. For women: Have you had a previous romantic relationship with a younger man?
11. For men: Have you had a previous romantic relationship with an older woman?
12. Is there a trend of age-discrepant, romantic relationships in your family?
13. Do you have children?
Demographics of children (if applicable):
14. How many children do you have?
15. How old are your children?
16. Are your children from a previous relationship?
17. Do you have children with your current partner?
18. Do (or did) your children live with you and your spouse?
Impact of the age difference:
19. What do you see as the unique benefits of this relationship?
20. What do you see as the unique drawbacks to this relationship?
21. Did the age difference play a role in attracting you to your spouse? If so, explain.
22. Who knows about the age difference? Is it something you keep as a "secret"?
23. If people know: How have these people reacted to the age difference? What are the
kinds of responses you get when people find out. If children are involved: What has been
their reaction to your age difference?
24. Can age differences be forgotten? Explain.
Issues surrounding the age difference:
25. Did you have doubts about continuinglpursuing the relationship once you found out about
the age difference? If so, what issues were raised and did these cause problems?
26. How did the age difference affect intimacy (i.e. were there issues surrounding
experience, attractiveness, etc.)?
27. Is the age difference a bigger issue for you or your spouse?
28. When does age come up as an issue? Examples:
Worklcareer issues? (e.g., she has more prestigious career? More established?)
Power struggles (e.g., he treats her more like parent; she treats him like child)
Money issues (e.g., she makes more than he does)
Ageldevelopmental issues? (e.g., differences in music interests, TV interests,
social interests)
Other issues unique to this type of relationship?
29. What advice would you give to people who are entering into this type of marriage?
59. APPENDIX C
INFORMED CONSENT
You are invited to participate in a research project being conducted by Nichole Proulx-King, a
graduate student in the department of Human Development at the University of Maine. The
purpose of this research is to examine the impact that significant age differences between women
and men, specifically when the woman is older than her husband, has on marriage, as well as the
issues that surround this type of age difference.
What will you be asked to do? If you decide to participate, you will be interviewed about your
experience in participating in a woman-older marriage. With your permission, I will audiotape the
interviews. The interview will take approximately one hour to complete. Questions will include
such topics as: demographics of the couple (e.g. age, race, education, length of courtship, etc.),
demographics of any children (e.g. number of children, age, etc.), benefits and drawbacks to this
type of relationship, people's (friends, family, etc.) reactions to this relationship (e.g. Who knows?
What were their responses?), and finally when does age come up as an issue (e.g. worklcareer,
power struggles, etc.).
Risks. Other than the possibility that you may become uncomfortable answering some of the
questions, there are no foreseeable risks to participating in this research. You may decline to
answer any of the questions with which you are not comfortable.
Benefits. While this study may have no direct benefit to you, there is very little research in this
area, and it will help us to learn more about the issues that arise and are unique to relationships
in which the woman is significantly older than her husband.
Confidentiality. Your name will not be included in any of the documents, instead a code number
will be used to protect your identity. No names should be used during the interview, and no
names or, to the extent possible other identifying information will be included in my thesis or
subsequent reports. The investigator's notes and tapes from the interview will be kept in a locked
office and destroyed after they are no longer needed. Only the investigator and her advisor will
have access to this information.
Voluntary. Participation in this research is voluntary. If you choose to take part in this study, you
may stop at any time during the study. You also have the choice to skip any questions you do not
wish to answer.
Contact Information. If you are interested in being interviewed, or if you have any
questionslconcerns, please contact the primary investigator, Nichole Proulx-King at 207-827-
0459, or emailing at:nichole.proulx@umit.maine.edu.
You may also contact the faculty advisor of this study, Dr. Sandra Caron by calling 207-581 -3138
or emailing her at:sandv.caron@umit.maine.edu
If you have any questions about your rights as a research participant, please contact Gayle
Anderson, Assistant to the University of Maine's Protection of Human Subjects Review Board, at
207-581-1498 or email:gayle.Anderson@umit.maine.edu.
60. BIOGKAPHY OF THE AUTHOR
Nichole Proulx-King is the daughter of Raymond and Patricia Proulx and
was born on July 14, 1979, in Laconia, New Hampshire. Nichole spent most of
her childhood in Biddeford, Maine and graduated from Biddeford High School in
June of 1997.
Nichole completed her Bachelor of Arts degree in Sociology at the
University of Maine in May of 2002 and immediately began her Human
Development Master's degree in the fall. Nichole worked as a Graduate
Teaching Assistant for the department of Human Development during her two
years as a graduate student and will be beginning employment as a home-based
family counselor in June. She is a candidate for the Master of Science degree in
Human Development from the University of Maine in August, 2004.
