My talk for Ignite Newcastle, Global Ignite Week and O'Reily Media. A femme fatal experiences the best and worst of Facebook attentions. A hardboiled noir for our modern times.

2. Facebook.
The
great
normaliser?
Monday,
7th
February.
The
detec;ve:
I
switched
it
on
and
dropped
onto
the
sofa,
vodka
at
my
feet,
laptop
at
my
side.
I
drank
back
a
few
deep,
hot
throat-­‐fulls
to
calm
my
nerves
before
logging-­‐on
and
taking
on
what's
inside.
PAGE ONE.

3. The
Dame
(a
descendant
of
some
royal
branches)
I
tried
to
delete
my
Facebook
account
so
I
couldn’t
be
found.
Then
I
realised
that
I
didn’t
want
to
be
unfound
either.
PAGE TWO.

4. That
same
Monday
night,
Lord
Sterling.,
sends
our
Dame
a
Friend
Request:
An
aAracBve
offer,
I
wish
to
contract
an
alliance
with
a
Lady
capable,
from
her
Profile
pictures
and
‘talents’,
of
supporBng
the
dignity
and
Rela%onship
Status
which
an
alliance
so
honorouble
an
offer
I
can
only
confer.
PAGE THREE.

5. Our
Dame
is
surrounded
by
dangerous
suspects:
There's
Lord
Sterling,
who’s
Friend
Requests
are
a
guise
for
mutual
introduc;on.
There's
her
brother
with
his
enormous
girth
and
feigned
civility
to
her
Wall.
Her
only
hope
of
protec;on
comes
from
the
Facebook
Privacy
SeNngs.
But
no-­‐one
really
understands
these,
so
there
are
more
villains
yet
to
come,
and
it
will
all
be
because
of
these
dangerous
suspects
-­‐-­‐
and
their
claim
on
our
Dame
-­‐-­‐
that
we
have
our
first
Facebook
noir.
PAGE FOUR.

6. (thunder)
Tuesday,
8th
February.
It
was
a
quiet
day
at
the
FriendTrade
Detec;ve
Agency.
Detec;ve
Draper
had
a
hangover,
and
business
was
slow.
He
was
rereading
old
Status
Updates
and
looking
at
Profiles
of
old-­‐girlfriends
and
their
new
boyfriends.
What
a
way
to
spend
a
day.
Draper
was
thinking
of
logging
off...
PAGE FIVE.

7. ...when
all
of
a
sudden...
-­‐
there
came
a
Facebook
chat
invita3on.
-­‐
Mr
Draper?
-­‐ Yeah,
that's
right.
My...
...my
name...
my...
<Draper
checks
out
her
Profile
Page>
In
all
my
years
in
the
business,
I'd
never
seen
anything
like
her.
Was
she
real?
There
was
only
one
way
to
find
out.
Draper
sends
our
Dame
a
Friend
Request….
PAGE SIX.

8. their
chat
con3nues…
The
Dame:
You’re
drunk,
and
I’m
drunk,
and
I’m
just
exactly
drunk
enough
to
tell
you
anything
that
you
want
to
know.
That’s
the
kind
of
Dame
I
am.
If
I
like
a
person,
I’ll
tell
them
anything
they
want
to
know.
Just
ask
me.
Go
ahead,
ask
me.
Draper:
Sounds
like
company.
Are
you
all
right?
I
must
have
hit
a
nerve.
She
immediately
logged
off
and
blocked
my
Profile.
PAGE SEVEN.

9. Later
that
night,
Our
Dame.
On
Facebook.
Over-­‐exposed?
The
perfect
Profile.
Found,
by
her
fat
and
friendless
brother,
poked.
To
death.
PAGE EIGHT.

10. Wednesday,
9th
February
Who
Poked
her?
Our
Detec;ve
scratches
the
back
of
his
neck
and
says:
Somebody
with
a
Facebook
account.
PAGE NINE.

11. Interroga3ng
the
brother
Draper:
What
makes
you
think
it
wasn't
an
accident?
The
brother:
Just
before
it...
It
happened,
...
...she
behaved
very
erraBcally,
lisBng
out
lists
of
friends,
dozens
of
them.
She
wrote
on
their
walls,
she
commented
on
their
Updates.
Whatever
was
just
there.
Like
she
didn’t
want
to
ever
be
alone.
PAGE TEN.

12. Hacking
into
her
Facebook
account,
Draper
has
hold
of
our
Dames
friends
list,
or
part
of
it.
It
reads
as
a
who’s
who
of
Facebook
friends:
Mark
Zuckerberg,
Herb
Kim,
John
Catnach,
Bobby
Paterson,
Bre_
Jacobson,
Jason
Brownlee,
Graham
Morley,
Mariann
Hardey…
When
I
found
it,
somehow
I
got
the
feeling
our
Dame
was
the
vic;m
of
some
small
lapse
in
privacy,
an
over-­‐exposed
Profile
and
wider
conspiracy.
Why
didn’t
she
have
a
boyfriend
or
a
husband?
Why
was
her
rela;onship
status
removed
from
her
Profile
page?
(it
did
show
her
date
of
birth).
What
did
she
have
to
hide?...
PAGE ELEVEN.

13. The
only
name
on
the
list
that
wasn't
crossed
out
was
Lord
Sterling.
Draper
decided
to
drop
in
on
him
before
they
crossed
him
out
too.
GeNng
to
him
wasn’t
easy.
Lord
Sterling
wasn't
online.
As
a
ma_er
of
fact,
for
a
moment,
Draper
thought
he
was
deliberately
blocking
his
messages.
Luckily
his
Facebook
Profile
page
was
wide
open
though..
PAGE TWELVE.

14. Lord
Sterling,
tries
to
retrieve
his
Friend
Request
In
his
Profile
picture
he
is
shown
as
a
lean,
dark,
youngish
man
of
medium
height,
broad
through
the
jaws,
narrow
between
the
eyes.
He
has
tagged
more
pictures
of
himself
with
many
dames,
he
in
a
black
hat,
a
black
overcoat
that
fits
him
snugly,
a
dark
suit,
and
black
shoes,
and
all
looking
as
if
they
had
been
bought
in
the
past
15
minutes.
The
Friend
Request,
con;nues
to
lay
uncomfortably
in
our
Dame’s
inbox,
not
accepted
for
anything.
PAGE THIRTEEN.

15. Lord
Sterling:
How
do
you
know
she’s
dead?
Draper:
That’s
simple,
she’s
not
on
Facebook.
PAGE FOURTEEN.

16. The
plot
thickens,
Lord
Sterling:
You
know
DetecBve,
I
think
that
you’re
nuts.
You
go
barging
around
without
a
very
clear
idea
of
what
you
are
doing.
Everybody
bats
you
down,
unfriends
you,
deletes
your
comments,
fills
your
inbox
full
of
stuff…
and
you
keeps
right
on
updaBng
between
tackle
and
end.
I
don’t
think
that
you
even
know
which
SIDE
you’re
on.
Draper:
I
don’t
know
which
side
anybody
is
on.
All
I
know
is
that
I
never
turn
down
a
Friend
Request
without
good
reason.
I
don’t
think
you
even
know
who
our
Dame
really
was.
PAGE FIFTEEN.

17. A
new
clue
points
Draper
back
to
our
Dame.
Before
she
logged
off
last
night,
her
last
status
update
read:
SomeBmes
I
hate
men.
ALL
men.
Young
men
and
almost
all
heels
who
are
Facebook
DetecBves.
That
last
comment
really
stung
Draper.
But
he
knew
enough
to
know
that
what
you
post
on
Facebook
isn’t
necessarily
true.
Especially
if
you
had
as
good-­‐looking
a
Profile
as
she
did.
PAGE SIXTEEN.

18. Draper
logged
out.
He’d
had
enough
of
Dames,
games
and
Facebook
for
one
day.
...geNng
into
his
car,
he
drives
miles
out
of
his
way
for
a
decent
mar;ni.
Walking
up
to
the
bar,
his
phone
buzzes,
Facebook
places
tells
him
that
our
Dame
is
at
the
same
hotel,
in
the
Cedar
Court
Room.
Where
rich
women,
go
to
meet
rich
men
so
they
can
have
rich
kids.
But
that’s
impossible
she’s
dead,
isn’t
she?
PAGE SEVENTEEN.

19. It
is
customary
in
these
situa;ons
for
the
developer
of
the
plan
to
explain
it.
It
is
also
customary
for
the
DETECTIVE
to
explain
how
HE
figured
it
out!
?
PAGE EIGHTEEN.

20. At
the
hotel,
in
the
Cedar
Court
Room
He
picked
me
up
out
of
the
guAer,
our
Dame
says
of
Lord
Sterling,
but
soon
he
was
cheaBng
and
tagged
in
photos
with
other
women
again.
In
this
Facebooksian
universe,
survival
can
only
be
influenced
by
Updates
and
friends,
but
it
is
mostly
the
result
of
;ming.
What
good
am
I
if
my
Facebook
friend’s
are
not
paying
aAenBon
to
me
and
are
all
gone?!
You
might
as
well
take
your
punishment
and
get
it
over
with.
Hard
Bmes
have
reduced
us
to
essenBals;
to
what
I
choose
to
show
on
my
Profile
page.
PAGE NINETEEN.

21. So
you’re
NOT
DEAD!
You
did
it
all
for
the
fear
of
losing
a>en%on!!!
PAGE TWENTY.

22. END.