This document discusses self-disclosure and providing personal feedback. It explains that self-disclosure involves revealing information about oneself and is important for building intimacy. When self-disclosing, one should share feelings using "I statements" and describe specific behaviors, emotions, and impacts. The document also provides guidance on giving constructive feedback by describing behaviors objectively, praising positive behaviors, and giving criticism respectfully with suggestions. It emphasizes the importance of boundaries and recommends directly establishing boundaries by stating personal rules and needs in a polite, non-defensive manner.
3. Self-Disclosing
• Self-disclosure is both
the conscious and subconscious act of revealing
more about oneself to others.
• This may include, but is not limited
to, thoughts, feelings, aspirations, goals, failures,
successes, fears, dreams as well as one's
likes, dislikes, and favorites.
• Self-disclosure is an important building block
for intimacy, intimacy can not be achieved
without it.
4. Self-Disclosing
• There are several important factors that
influence self-disclosure and the state of the
relationship, such as the relational
definition, time, way of explaining each
other's behavior, degree of
affection, reciprocity, and goals.
5. Self-Disclosing
Benefits Risks
• May increase trust • Others may reject us
• May increase • Others may think less
closeness of us
• May enhance self-
esteem • Others may violate
• May increase security our confidences
• May enhance self-
growth
6. Self-Disclosure
When Appropriate
• Self-disclose the kind of information you want others
to disclose to you.
• Self-disclose more intimate information only when
you believe the disclosure represents an acceptable
risk.
• Move self-disclosure to deeper levels gradually.
• Reserve intimate or very personal self-disclosure for
ongoing relationships.
• Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is
reciprocated.
8. At the heart of intimate self-disclosure is sharing personal feelings. When we do so, we
demonstrate that we trust our partner not to use the information to do us harm. Once
we decide to share our feelings, we have to know how to do so appropriately.
The best way to share feelings is by describing them It’s the skill of naming
the emotions you are
feeling without judging
them.
9. But how to describe your feelings ?
1. Identify the behavior that triggered the feeling. What specifically has
someone said or done to or about you?
Cold war ? Why ?
10. 2 Identify the specific emotion you are experiencing as a result of the behavior.
Sometimes we can’t describe our emotions because we don’t have the vocabulary
to accurately describe what we are feeling. Yes, what we are feeling is similar to
anger, but are we
annoyed, betrayed, cheated, crushed, disturbed, furious, outraged, or shocked?
Each of these words more richly describes a feeling that might less precisely be
labeled anger.
Is he
annoyed, betrayed, cheated, cru
shed, disturbed, furious, outrage
d, or shocked?
11. Frame your response as an “I” statement. For example, “I feel happy/sad/
irritated/excited/vibrant. “I” statements help neutralize the impact of an emotional
description because they do not blame the other or evaluate the other’s behavior.
Instead, a first person message accurately conveys what you are expressing and why. Be
careful, however, not to couch a blaming statement as an “I” statement. For example, “I
feel like you don’t respect me” is a criticism of the other person. It doesn’t let the other
person know how you feel about what happened. You might have felt hurt, betrayed, or
angry. But you haven’t disclosed this.
..”doesn’t let the other person know
how you feel about what happen.”
12. Verbalize the specific feeling. Here are two examples of describing feelings effectively.
The first one begins with the trigger, and the second one begins with the
feeling—either order is acceptable :
“Thank you for your compliment [trigger]; I [the person having the feeling] feel
gratified [the specific feeling] that you noticed the effort I made.”
“I [the person having the feeling] feel very resentful [the specific feeling] when
you criticize my cooking after I’ve worked as many hours as you have [trigger].”
Verbalize your
feelings !
14. Skills for giving personal
feedback
1. Describing behaviours
2. Praising positive behaviours
3. Giving constructive criticism
15. 1. Describing behaviours
Describing behaviours: accurately recounting the specific
behaviours of another without commenting on their appropriateness.
16. 1. Describing behaviours
Effectively sharing feelings: descriptive and specific rather than
evaluative and vague.
Unfortunately, people are quick to share ambiguous conclusions and
evaluations.
17. 1. Describing behaviours
To describe behavior:
1. Identify the specific behaviours that led to our perception
2. Share that information as feedback
18. 2. Praising positive behaviours
Praising: describing a specific positive bahaviour or accomplishment
of another person and the effect that bahaviour has on others
Praise ≠ Flattery:
Praise: sincere compliment
Flattery: insincere compliment for ingratiation
19. 2. Praising positive behaviours
Praise reinforces positive behaviour and helps another develop a
positive self-concept
For effective praising: focus on the specific behavior we want to
reinforce
20. 2. Praising positive behaviours
Praise when appropriate doesn’t cost much and usually appreciated
Praise not only provides feedback and builds esteem but also
deepens our relationship with that person
21. 3. Giving constructive criticism
Constructive criticism: describing specific behavior of other that hurt
the person of that person’s relationships with others
Criticize doesn’t mean condemn or judge, it’s based on empathy and
sincere desire to help someone understand the impact of his or her
behavior.
22. 3. Giving constructive criticism
Some guidelines when providing constructive criticism:
1. Ask the person’s before giving criticism.
2. Describe the behavior and its consequences by accurately
recounting precisely what was said or done and the reaction of those
affected by it.
3. Preface constructive criticism with an affirming statement.
4. When appropriate, suggest how the person can change the
behavior.
23. 3. Giving constructive criticism
1. Ask the person’s before giving criticism
When someone has agreed to hear constructive criticism likely to
be more receptive
24. 3. Giving constructive criticism
2. Describe the behavior and its consequences by accurately
recounting precisely what was said or done and the reaction of those
affected by it
Objective description allows the other to maintain face while receiving
accurate feedback about the damaging behavior.
25. 3. Giving constructive criticism
3. Preface constructive criticism with an affirming statement
Prefacing constructive criticism with statements that validate your
respect for the other person is important.
The easiest way is to praise before criticism
26. 3. Giving constructive criticism
4. When appropriate, suggest how the person can change the
behavior
The goal of constructive criticism is to help it’s appropriate to
provide suggestions for positive changes
Moreover, it’s help the person with useful information, and show that
your intentions are positive
28. To maintain your privacy in indirect ways , you
may: Changing the subject, masking
feelings, and telling white lies
But these strategies will eventually damage
your relationships if used repeatedly.
To keep information private over a longer
period of time, you will want to use a more
direct approach.
29. The skill of establishing a boundary allows
you to effectively respond to people expecting
you to disclose information you prefer to keep
private.
In essence, it is a polite way to let your
partner know that questions requiring you to
disclose about a specific topic are
unacceptable.
30. 1. Recognize why you are choosing not to
share the information.
When Pat asks Eric about the grade he received on a
test , Eric may hesitate to share this recognizing that
he feels uncomfortable doing so.
2. Identify your rule that guided this
decision.
Eric relates his discomfort in sharing the test score to
his inability to predict how Pat will react when he
finds out that Eric has received an “A+” while Pat got
only a “B”.
Eric, who in the past has been teased for his good
grades has developed a rule not disclosing the grades
he receives unless he knows that the person he is
talking to respects academic achievement.
31. 3. Form an “I”-centered message that briefly
establishes a boundary.
When Pat asks Eric about his test grade, Eric might
reply
- “I know that everyone’s different, and I don’t mean
to be rude, but it’s my policy not to ask other people
about their grades and not to discuss my own. I
know you may think this is weird, but please don’t
be offended.”
This lets Pat know that Eric’s decision is based on a
personal rule rather than an indication of his trust in
Pat
33. • Your personal needs are valid. It is not necessary for
you to defend, debate or over-explain your request.
• Enlist the support of a friend for before and after the
boundary-setting conversation, if necessary.
• Begin setting boundaries with the easiest ones and
build yourself up to the more challenging ones for
you. Let your communication and behavior get
stronger before you tackle the harder boundaries.
• Tell people immediately when they are doing
something that violates one of your boundaries.
• Simply tell them what they are doing that makes you
feel angry, frustrated, violated, resentful, or
uncomfortable. Communicate gracefully and
honestly.
34. • Make a direct request that they stop the behaviors
that offend or bother you. Be very specific about
what you want.
• Follow-up to let them know how they are doing at
honoring your request.
• Thank them for making the change.
• And, if they refuse to cooperate:
• Warm them of a possible consequence if they
continue disregarding your request.
• Demand that they stop.
• Just walk away without getting angry or fighting.
• Or, if necessary follow through with the consequence
you previously warned them about.
35. Boundary-setting is like any new skill-you'll need to
learn the basics, create a plan for applying your new
skill, and then follow through with action and a support
system. Over time and with practice, setting
boundaries will become easier.
36. Essential Boundary Setting Steps:
• 1. Self Awareness: Identify where your boundaries are
weak or non-existent. Establish some new boundaries
that honor you. What may people no longer do around
you, do to you, or say to you? (Be realistic)
• 2. Inform: Educate others about unacceptable behaviors
and expressions. Help people understand how they can
respect your new boundaries. Communicate without
blaming. Verbalize your boundaries.
• 3. Request: Calmly tell each person very specifically what
you want them to stop doing or saying. Get their
commitment to honoring you.
• 4. Follow-Up: Let them know how they are doing on
meeting your request. Continue educating and
reinforcing. Reward those who are respecting your
boundaries.
37. Essential Boundary Setting Steps (cont):
• 5. Demand: Warn them about possible consequences if
they continue ignoring your request. Enforce your
boundaries.
• 6. Consequences: Follow through with the consequence
if results aren't forthcoming. Determine which battles
are worth fighting and which are worth letting go; walk
away without any further comment if necessary. Set
consequences that impact the other person more than
you.
• 7. Respect others' boundaries : Stop violating other
people's boundaries. Be aware and respectful of other
people's boundaries.
