2. OUR STAFF
PUBLISHER..................................ED BURTON
PRESIDENT...................................ED BURTON
VICE PRESIDENT..........................ED BURTON
PHOTOGRAPHY.............................ED BURTON
REPORTER....................................ED BURTON
WRITER........................................ED BURTON
GRAPHICS....................................ED BURTON
SECURITY.....................................ED BURTON
ANIMAL TRAINER........................ED BURTON
SPECIAL EFFECTS.........................ED BURTON
PROMOTIONS...............................ED BURTON
KING............................................ED BURTON
KEY GRIP.....................................ED BURTON
ASSISTANT TO MR. BURTON..........ED BURTON
SCOUT..........................................ED BURTON
MOST LIKELY TO GET SUED...........ED BURTON
CAPTAIN OF THE USS
ENTERPRISE...........................JAMES T. KIRK
LEADER OF THE
AUTOBOTS............................OPTIMUS PRIME
all photos are copywrited either by me
or someone else. 1998 by me, ealier by
others.
3. TABLE OF
CONTENTS
2...........................................TABLE OF CONTENTS
3.....................................”I’m Just Talkin’ ‘bout SHAFT”
4..........................ARTICLE FROM “THE ONION”
(an online news publication)
5..........................................................................AD PAGE
6.............FROM THE EAT’N’PARK JOURNALS.
7/8............................................................DEATH.
9..............................................................CUT AND PASTE
10..........................................................GOOD COMPANY
11....................LETTERS FROM OUR READERS.
12.................................................................GANG TALK
13......................................IMPORTANT MESSAGE
14..............................................LAST PAGE PHOTO.
4.
5. Nazi SS Cemetery Desectrated by
Pro-Semitic Gaffiti
DARMSTADT, GERMANY-- Steuben said. "But I suppose old
Residents of this quiet Rhineland city prejudices die hard."
awoke Monday to discover that Darmstadt police, working closely
Heinrich Himmler Memorial with the Nazi Anti-Defamation
Cemetery, the final resting place of League, are committed to bringing
over 200 Nazi SS Officers who gave the perpetrators to justice.
their lives for Germany in World War "This sort of hate crime must not
II, had been desecrated during the be tolerated," police chief Klaus
night with pro-Semitic graffiti. Meine said. "We will do everything
"This is horrible, simply horrible," in our power to find the Jews
said a tearful Grete Brautig, who responsible for this."
found the headstone of her The vandalism is not the first
g r a n d f a t h e r , Wa f f e n - S S incident of pro-Semitism to occur in
Oberlieutenant Otto Brautig, defaced Darmstadt. In 1991, a group of
with a spray-painted Star of David. Zionists marched through the streets
"Why would anyone want to do such of the city, waving Israeli flags and
an awful, hateful thing to my chanting in Hebrew. City leaders filed
grosspapa, a man who loved a court injunction in an effort to block
and fought for his country?" the march, but the Zionists,
According to Darmstadt police, defended by the German Civil
sometime between the hours of 1 and Liberties Union, won.
6 a.m., unknown persons vandalized "I will never forgive the GCLU
the grave markers of dozens of for defending the Zionists," Steuben
prominent SS men with pro-Semitic said. "I am all for free speech, but
graffiti, including Jewish stars and that crossed the line."
slogans like "Chosen People" and Support for the people of
"Next Year In Jerusalem." Darmstadt has poured in from across
It is believed to be the worst pro- Germany in the form of letters,
Semitic crime in Darmstadt history. donations and personal visits from
"You must understand, the Star of political figures.
David is an incredibly painful symbol "Once more, Germans have
for my people," said former Hitler become the victims of hatred,
Youth member Conrad Steuben, 67, prejudice and intolerance," said
whose father, SS-Unterscharführer former Austrian president Kurt
Erich Steuben, was buried with full Waldheim in a speech given in the
military honors at Darmstadt in 1945. Darmstadt town plaza. "This incident
"It stands for the destruction of us serves as a reminder that we must
and everything we believe in. Seeing remain vigilant about preserving the
it scrawled across those gravestones memory of the four million Germans
reopens many deep wounds." who died during World War II, so
"I thought we had put pro-Semitism that similar tragedies can be
behind us here in Darmstadt," prevented in the future. Never again."
Courtesy of THE ONION - www.theonion.com
6. COMMERCIALS
(REAL things worth plugging.)
Order “Jack Kevorkian and
the Morpheus Quintet ‘The
Kevorkian Suite: A Very Still
Life’”
To Order, send check or
money order to:
RESIST RECORDS
2408 Penmar Ave.
Venice, CA 90291
Include you email address
and they’ll let you know when
10597-2 they receive your payment.
$16.95
www.resist.pair.com
Evan Jacobs
makes great
indie films. I
recomend
checking out
his work if you
can. He makes
you believe
ANYONE can
make a film.
members.aol.
com/wldcatmg
7. FROM THE
EAT’N’PARK JOURNALS
Ah-HA! Attention synapses, poor employees who are
the brain has left the trapped there for hours ,
building. Or rather the skull. simply for wanting to escape
I’m drawing a blank. Here’s their dreary job. Denny’s has
what a drawing of a blank no doubt already stole her
looks like. (Framed of course, sanity and soul. Denny’s can
with an inch border on the do that, you know.
sides, and top, and an inch AHHHH...Jittery! COFFEE!! If
and a half on the bottom.) I only had a huge hamster
wheel. I believe I will donate
a human sized hamster wheel
to Eat’n’Park. I’ll have a little
gold plate put on it, with my
name engraved right on it.
It will be called the Mat
Luschek “I drank too much
coffee” Human Hamster
Oi, I’m getting wired. Coffee, Wheel. At least I’ll be in
coffee, coffee. Silly girls in shape, if I use it every day.
front of me. They discuss AHH!! cannot sit still...must
nonsense about college and have motion! Spontaneous
living with someone’s dad. combustion CAN happen.
Hmm... One silly girl burned One day I’m afraid I’ll be the
her mouth. Aww.. Denny’s sad proof of that. One too
waitress enters. Traitor. Of many strong coffees...
course, one can’t blame the and......BAM!
Illustration by Hajime
Sorayama. Check out
his work, good stuff.
11. LETTERS FROM
OUR READERS!
Wow. Someone actually responded! Here’s
what we got from Dr. Goat of Strongsville,
OH....
8/29/98
Dear THE DOOR FROM HELL Staff,
Thanks for sending me the first issue of THE DOOR FROM
HELL. One word: Bravo! It’s obvious that the editors of this
literary magazine truly understand and have a grasp on the
literary world. I shared copies with all of my friends and he didn’t
hate it.
I look forward to the next issue and I only have a few
suggestions: Mention my name more; more pictures of me; less
clothing on Erin Grey and Carrie Fisher; less clothing on my
pictures; a new cover which includes nude photos of me with
Carrie Fisher, Erin Grey and the shorter of the two chipmunks
on that Chip and Dale cartoon; pop-up pages of a giraffe being
lynched by the KKK and Harry Truman; more contests that risk
the lives of elderly women with hearing aides; complimentary
spam-free crotchless panties (non-edible); a How-To-Speak-In-
Tongues-Even-Though-No-One-Can-Spell-Lackadaisical-
Correctly section; address the issue of circumcision vs. walnut
heavers; and please don’t forget a political commentary on green-
bean arm severing machines. I’ll include the rest of my ideas
next issue. Thanks a bunch.
Dr. Goat.
Thanks Dr.Goat, you’ll receive a free stamp
with your next issue. Look for it in the upper
right hand corner of the back of the book.
12.
13. From the Producer of the
REMOTE VIEWING THROUGH SPACE AND TIME
complete training course.
Because of certain events, the violent and unforgiving
Academy of Remote Viewing has corrections.
decided to reveal openly to the Remote Viewing work done at
general public sensitive A.R.V. (Academy of Remote
information about intelligence- Viewing) seems to indicate that
gathering Mental Remote Viewing the late summer months of 1998
Techniques that are highly probable flash points
up-to-now had remained jealously for such occurrences. We feel a
guarded by some governments duty to warn individuals, so that
(updated with new critical they hopefully can prepare for this.
material: March We, at the Academy of Remote
1998). It is reproduced on this Viewing, strongly feel that
Web site. uncontrolled widespread runaway
It is the hope of the Academy speculation is a much greater
that this leap in the understanding pernicious social and economic ill
of mind operations will help usher than runaway inflation. We live
in a in times of
new man in the third millennium historically unprecedented
whose mental powers should open institutionalized greed and
the door to a better and more financial speculation.
congenial Authoritative governmental
world. and monetary power-centers
The Superpowers of the Mind should have behaved more
are here, for each mind to use and responsibly and might eventually,
benefit from. To our knowledge, m o s t p r o b a b l y, b e m a d e
such revelations have not yet been accountable for having failed to
officially disclosed anywhere else. prevent such obvious man-made
------------------------------------ disasters.
Flash (April 98) - The Academy Artificially-induced economical
of Remote Viewing would like to paradises are just that: Chimerical
post the following message as a experiments of self-gratification
public service: that inevitably bring down with
Within the next couple of the collapse of their isolationist
months, a window will open on mental walls real-world realities
the near-term event horizon that that come then crushing down on
shows a high probability for our all of us and face us with rebound
world's financial markets strength and implacable
(especially the worldwide stock consequences.
bourses) to experience quite w w w. p ro b a b l e f u t u re . c o m
