1. Setting Boundaries
Yes
Alternatives!

2. Good Morning

3. Identify something you were
asked to do that you did not
want to do and did it anyway:

4. Identify a
goal you
achieved in
the last
week and
how it felt.

5. One Expectation

6. Please answer the following:
Have you ever had someone ask you for a
ride at the last minute when you were
really busy… and you gave them the ride
any- way?

7. Have you ever had someone
want to borrow something
of yours and you did not
want to lend it… but you
did?

8. Have you ever been
asked to volunteer…
and you resented
saying yes?

9. Have you ever been asked to
do something and you knew
it was wrong but did not
know how to respond…
and you consented?

10. Consequences of “Yes”
 We reduce our boundaries
 We promote lack of planning by others
 We encourage the path of least
resistance
 Compromise self-worth

11. Good fences make good neighbors!
Ralph Waldo Emerson

12. So why do we say Yes?
 Fear of rejection
 Obligation
 Payback
 Skills
 Beliefs

13. Irrational Beliefs: Albert Ellis
Love and Approval
It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved or approved by virtually every
significant other person in their community.
Perfect – Good People say yes! I am a good person.
One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or
else one is an inadequate, worthless person.
People are fair.
People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they
do not. They are their bad acts.
It is easier to say yes than to be honest with myself.
One cannot and must not face life's responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to
avoid them.
I do not control my own life - saying yes just affirms it.
One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run
one's own life.

14. What
gives
the rig you
ht to s
ay,
No?

15. You have basic rights!
Re
sp
ec
t

16. The decision to say “No”
 Importance of the relationship
 Health of the relationship
 Long-term consequence
 Rational or Irrational fear

17. Clear priorities
require clear
boundaries

18. Sandwich
Technique

19. Elements of
saying “No”
 Positive feeling message
 Negative content message
 Positive feeling message.

20. Positive Feeling
Response:
•Thank you for asking.
•I can hear this is important to you!
•I appreciate you thinking of me.
•I can’t imagine the task that you have
in front of you. (Empathic)

21. Negative Content
Simple “No”
Do not make excuses!

22. Conditional
No’s
I would be glad to help if….
 I would be glad to take you to the mall when…
 I would be willing to help you if you will…
 I am not available but feel free to ask me next
week.

23. Positive Feeling :
Thank you again for considering me.
I appreciate you thinking of me.
If you can give me a week’s notice
I would be glad to help you out.

24. Circumstances:
Practice makes perfect.
Id partner
Id circumstances
Role play

25. Family
Types of request
Last minute rides/requests
Borrow the car

26. Children
Types of request
Ride to mall/team practice
I forgot my homework can you bring it
to school?
Toys

27. Friends/Neighbors
Types of requests
Property/time
Borrow tools/clothes
Cars
Rides
Parties

28. REFUSAL SKILLS
Focus on what you will do,
not on what they have to do.
You do not solve a problem by
creating one for others.

29. The Language of
Refusal
 You are welcome to stay but I am going.
 You are welcome to have a party at your
house but I am not willing to have one here.
 I can appreciate your interest but I am not
willing to do that.

30. Refusal skills
 Focus on what you will do, not on
what they have to do.
 You are welcome to … but I am going
to stay.
 Thank you for offering but I am not
hungry.

31. Empathy

32. Empathy
 Does not assume control
 Validates a person
 Accesses the heart
 Opens voluntary communications

33. Respond with Empathy
 I am sorry you feel that way...
 You look really tired...
 You seem to have a lot of energy...
 That must be really uncomfortable
 Help me understand
 Humm...
 That must feel terrible...

34. Don’t get hooked
Avoid Fights!
•No problem (Go do it yourself!)
•Good Try (You are ugly!)
•Thanks for sharing (You don’t love me)
•Bummer
•I am sorry you feel that way.

35. Empathetic Listening

36. Be empathetic:
 I can hear this is important to you.
 You look frustrated.
 I have had similar feelings.
 You sound frustrated.
.

37. THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING,
IS THAT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING,
IS THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING!