1. Better or Worse Than Queen? Better or worse than QUEEN? May Taylor Mercury Deacon

2. vs. Fat Bottomed Girls Baby’s Got Back

3. BETTER Mix-a-lot’s still got it

4. vs. Freddie’s unitard Cornfed tigertard

5. BETTER Chest hair

6. vs. Short mic stand Short leg

7. BETTER God’s fault

8. vs. Brian May Louis XIV

9. BETTER Motherfuckin’ Sun King

10. vs. Farrokh Bulsara Farang Irani

11. BETTER Guy smiley

12. vs. Statue of Freddie in Montreaux, Switzerland Statue of boner guy

13. BETTER I just want to grab it

14. vs. DeNiro, May, Taylor Shit, blood, cum

15. WAY BETTER Sorry about that

16. vs. Roger Taylor dressed as a boy Roger Taylor dressed as a girl

17. 100% FUCKABLE Not even close

18. vs. Brian May figurine Cobain Unplugged figurine

19. BETTER Biggie Doll

20. vs. Queen’s Bicycle Race Video Manayunk Bike Race

21. BETTER You might see Gregg Gethard throw up on a grill

22. vs. Freddie petting a cat Tom Waits fishing

23. BETTER Nothing could be more worse than Tom Waits, his dumb singing voice, and his stupid old clothes

24. vs. Queen’s Flash Gordon Soundtrack ELO’s Xanadu Soundtrack

25. FORGIVENESS GRANTED Good cocaine costs real money

26. vs. Moet et Chandon in a pretty cabinet Ponies in a bucket

27. BETTER Ponies: the lowest form of human consumption

28. vs. Crazy Little Thing Called Love Crazy little thing called necrosis

29. BETTER Don’t care for that song

30. vs. A middle aged woman dreaming about Freddie’s stache A middle aged woman wishing she could fuck a horse

31. BETTER Horses sometimes like fucking people to death

32. vs. Queen topless Pit bottomless

33. BETTER I would let these guys run a train on me before I went to Finnigan’s Wake

34. vs. Michael Jackson with a total hard on for Freddie Michael Jackson with a total hard on for balloons

35. BETTER Just look at the camera, kid

36. vs. Freddie look-a-like 1 Freddie look-a-like 2

37. BETTER More murderous

38. vs. Paul Stanley making Brian May feel super uncomfortable Paul Stanley making me feel super uncomfortable

39. BETTER Leave me alone, Paul Stanley

40. vs. Freddie pretending to like chicks Me, honestly, liking the movie White Chicks

41. BETTER Sequel in development!

42. vs. Freddie Mercury Shoes Iron Maiden Tie

43. DEAD EVEN Please don’t make me choose

44. vs. John Deacon’s weird 80s hairdo All natural sea sponge

45. BETTER Doesn’t smell like cigarettes and the last groupie left

46. vs. Eye sash Eye nipples

47. BETTER I guess, sorta

48. vs. Queen on the cover of Music Life magazine Steve Guttenberg on the cover of Playgirl magazine

49. BETTER Doesn’t have Steve Guttenberg’s baby bald nutsac in it

50. vs. The Basslines in “Under Pressure” and “Another One Bites the Dust” World peace

51. BETTER Basslines are forever

52. vs. Listening to “Bohemian Rhapsody” all the way through Getting your dick slammed in a door

53. BETTER Just barely