2. “For a couple of hundred years now,
each generation of fathers has
passed on less and less to his sons –
not just less power but less wisdom.
And less love. We finally reached a
point where many fathers were
largely irrelevant in the lives of their
sons.”
– Frank Pittman, 1993 Psychology Today
3.
4. Guide Questions:
1. What particular topic got you attention
most?
2. How did you feel about it?
3. What insight did you get and how does
that affects you?
4. How can you apply/use that learning to
your everyday life (as a man/woman, as a parent, as a
teacher)?
5. Wild Things: the Art of
Nurturing Boys
Understanding the Way, Mind,
and Heart of Boys
6. Outline
• Overview
• The Nature of Boys
The Lover
✔
The Individual
• The Mind of a Boy
✔
• The Heart of a Boy
7. Overview
1. The Explorer (ages 2-4)
2. The Lover (ages 5-8)
3. The Individual (ages 9-12)
4. The Wanderer (ages 13-17)
5. The Warrior (ages 18-22)
8. Explorer (ages 2-4): He is active,
aggressive, curious, and
self-determined.
He needs boundaries,
consistency, and plenty
of wide open space to be
a boy in this stage.
9. Lover (5-8): He is tender, desiring to
please, and competitive in this stage.
He needs a good deal of
one-on-one time, and
also help directing his
competitive spirit.
10. Individual (9-12): He is searching for
his identity and evolving in this stage.
He needs outlets to test his strength
and his mind, and to feel a sense of
purpose.
11. Wanderer (13-17): He can be
arrogant and argumentative in
this stage.
His body will be in biological chaos.
He needs understanding,
strong parenting,
and mercy as he passes
through one of the
more complicated
seasons in his
development.
12. Warrior (18-22): He is reflective,
searching, and ambivalent
in this stage.
He needs patience and
blessing as he moves into
young adulthood.
13. Overview of the Lover (ages 5-8)
Attentive to detail and value relationships.
●
They become more tender, more
relationally driven and more artfully
expressive.
●
They tend to be cheerful, full of life and
enthusiastic
●
14. The Nature of the Lover (ages 5-8)
Who He is
Tenderness
●
Great kindheartedness emerges.
●
Heightened emotional sensitivity.
●
●
Impatience and argumentativeness.
15. The Nature of the Lover (ages 5-8)
Who He is
Obedience
●
Understands the right and wrong
●
The stage of following rules.
●
●
Struggles with things being unfair
16. The Nature of the Lover (ages 5-8)
Who He is
Attachment to Dad
●
(away from mom and towards dad)
●
●
Foreshadowing the gender identity
Crucial stage for dads to spend time
together with their sons
17. The Nature of the Lover (ages 5-8)
Who He is
Competitiveness
●
●
Parents and teachers can use this
competitiveness to their advantage
at time. Ex., you can turn a routine task
(such cleaning the boy's room) into timed
event, and he can try to beat last night's
record.
18. The Nature of the Lover (ages 5-8)
What He Needs
Compassion and Restraint
●
Reprieve – the boys need the reprieve
of home that allows them to be who
they are.
●
Relationship – boys need adult
attention. More of one-on-one time
their parents (dad). Enjoys family
dinner and sharing of your day.
●
19. The Nature of the Lover (ages 5-8)
What He Needs
Routine – boys behave and learn best
by repetition and consistency. It is
crucial for their happiness and wellbeing.
●
Regulation – names unwanted
behavior and helps the boy start to
control his impulsiveness.
●
20. The Nature of the Lover (ages 5-8)
Tips:
Give him lots of love and affection
●
Reward good behavior
●
Get him involved, start letting him in on
decision-making
●
Focus him outward
●
Help him with hygiene
●
Take him to movies, but do so strategically,
teach him to interpret, lay the groundwork
for dialogue
●
Encourage his imagination
●
21. Overview of the Individual
(ages 9-12)
Mischief sets in, along with competition,
camaraderie, and the prepubescent display
of some macho-ism.
●
Somewhere in this window the boy starts
to move into adolescence.
●
The age of transformation.
●
22. Overview of the Individual
(ages 9-12)
By this point he has developed a strong
sense of self and his search for masculinity
has intensified.
●
Emotionally, he's a wreck. Every emotion
tends to get displayed as anger.
●
He also starts to separate from mom.
●
23. The Nature of the Individual (ages
Who He is
9-12)
Searching
●
Begins to look deeply into what it
means to be a man.
●
Search for masculinity.
●
●
Increased emotional isolation.
24. The Nature of the Individual (ages
Who He is
Evolving
●
Hormonally, emotionally,
psychologically.
●
Surge of testosterone.
●
9-12)
25. The Nature of the Individual (ages
Who He is
9-12)
Experimenting
●
Starts to discover who he is as a man
●
Breaking the rules and risk taking
●
26. The Nature of the Individual (ages
Who He is
9-12)
Criticizing
●
●
Critical of himself, his parents, his
siblings, his peers, and other adults
in authority.
27. The Nature of the Individual (ages
What He Needs
9-12)
Limits and Opportunities
●
Supervision – parents need to keep
an eye.
●
Information – dialogue of accurate
information about emotional and
physical changes.
●
28. The Nature of the Individual (ages
What He Needs
9-12)
Involvement – strong parental
involvement. Lots of love and
attention.
●
Outlets – opportunities through
which he can develop his sense of
self (athletic, extracurricular
opportunities, outdoors, outreach
and service.
●
29. The Nature of the Individual (ages
9-12)
Tips:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Be intentional with summers
Keep the dialogue going
Engage with him.. talks sex, drugs, alcohol, etc..
Enlist his doctor's help to talk openly about
changes coming
Make him read the book before you let him see
the movie
Keep him active.
Fasten your seat belt for the white-water that
is coming.
30. The Mind of a Boy
Spatial instead of relational - they
understand the lay of the land instead of
how things are interconnected.
•
Aware of objects instead of faces - they are
more attracted to balls than they are to
people.
•
Action oriented, as opposed to process
oriented – they're oriented toward
movement instead of emotions.
•
31. A Boy's Brain
BOYS equals
●
●
More activity + Less impulse control + Testosterone
●
Less sensory detail + Less memory ability
●
More frequent rest states + Longer rest states
●
Fewer feelings + Less verbal expression
●
●
Larger preoptic area + Rounder suprachiasmatic
nucleus
Lights + Sounds + Moving images = Zombie Boys
32. The Heart of a Boy
What it means to See him
●
A curiosity about who he is
● An appreciation for who he is
● A vision for who he will become
●
33. The Heart of a Boy
What it means to Name him
●
●
To declare the truth about him, to him, and for him
●
Motivate to speak what you have seen
●
We have read him and have been provoked to
move toward him
34. The Heart of a Boy
What it means to Draw him out
●
●
●
●
●
Needs to be challenged, invited, coaxed
(persuade)
Directed toward authenticity, integrity, and
intimacy
The work of drawing a boy out is the work of
saving him
Give boy permission to live with and from his heart
35. The Heart of a Boy
What it means to Keep His Heart
●
Guided by his dreams
●
Helped in his ambivalence (uncertainty)
●
Engaged on his own terms
●
Presence
●
Persistence
●
Patience
●
Pick your spots
●
Assisted in answering the biggest question of all
●
Do I have what it takes?
●
Am I the real deal?
●
Do I matter?
