This presentation dispels 5 common myths of conflict and helps us recognize and broaden our conflict styles. Intention: To shift the paradigm of conflict, relating to and applying its constructive and transformational capacities. Where there is change, there is conflict. Where there is conflict, there is often change (or a change that is needed). And, sometimes there is conflict just because there are people. In both our personal and professional lives, we are often in the midst of generating or participating in change. Our ability to navigate change and conflict and lead through this elusive process is paramount to success. In today's environment, conflict can be constructive and essential to innovation. Intrigued? Darshana Patel is a Transformation Facilitator and Coach specializing in Change Leadership and Conflict with 20 years experience. Darshana is Founder of Unscripted Way, an approach to help people and organizations distinguish and rewire their limiting patterns so they can liberate their true potential and redefine what’s possible for themselves and the communities they impact. Darshana’s career has an uncommon balance of progressive theory and practical, in-the-trenches experience. She possesses a Master’s degree in Conflict and is certified in Change Leadership through Cornell and GE.

1. Darshana
Patel
darshana@unscriptedway.com
1
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel
Conflict
for
TransformaAon
A
Workshop
to
ShiF
the
Paradigm
of
Conflict

2. Workshop
Overview
• Inten%on:
To
shiF
the
paradigm
of
conflict,
relaAng
to
and
applying
its
construcAve
and
transformaAonal
capaciAes
• Workshop
Objec%ves
– Appreciate
conflict’s
hidden
capaciAes
– Recognize
and
respect
conflict
styles
2
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

3. ReflecAve
QuesAons
• What
does
conflict
mean
to
me?
• In
what
ways
do
I
feel
effecAve
and
ineffecAve
in
engaging
conflict?
• What
am
I
learning
and
realizing
in
this
session
I
hadn’t
considered
before?
3
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

4. “IntenAonally
possess
your
beliefs.
Or
your
beliefs
will
possess
you.”
4
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel
-­‐
Darshana
Patel

5. 5
Myths
of
Conflict
MYTH
1:
Conflict
is
destruc%ve
and
means
something
is
wrong
5
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel
RealiAes:
• Is
disrupAve,
does
not
have
to
be
destrucAve
• Can
be
a
construcAve
catalyst
for
growth,
innovaAon,
and
transformaAon
• Is
a
essenAal
for
effecAve
problem-­‐solving
and
decision-­‐
making

6. 5
Myths
of
Conflict
MYTH
2:
Conflict
should
be
managed
and
resolved
6
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel
RealiAes:
• Can
be
complex
and
difficult
to
manage
and
resolve
• ResoluAon
focus
oFen
hastens
an
agreement,
which
may
not
be
the
best
agreement
• Some
conflicts
must
be
engaged
and
nurtured
to
address
underlying
dynamics

7. 5
Myths
of
Conflict
MYTH
3:
The
best
conflict
outcome
is
a
compromise
solu%on
7
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel
RealiAes:
• Can
accelerate
soluAoning
before
relevant
informaAon
is
shared
• Takes
a
distribuAve
approach
to
soluAoning
and
assumes
all
parAes
should
give
something
up
• Excludes
other
suitable
approaches
such
as
collaboraAon

8. 5
Myths
of
Conflict
MYTH
4:
Separate
people
from
the
problem
because
emo%ons
get
in
the
way
8
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel
RealiAes:
• You
can’t
put
a
process
around
personality
• Some
conflicts
are
idenAty-­‐entrenched
and
require
revealing
moAvaAons/needs/fears
• EmoAons
are
energy
and
express
commitment
(versus
apathy
or
complacency)

9. 5
Myths
of
Conflict
MYTH
5:
Focus
on
the
conflict’s
tangible
aspects
9
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel
RealiAes:
• Conflict
can
be
comprised
of
intangibles
including
differences
in
strategies,
objecAves,
and
needs
• Conflict
occurs
within
intangible
dimensions
of
culture
that
may
need
to
be
incorporated
into
the
engagement
approach
• Tangibles
oFen
lead
to
a
compromise-­‐focused
outcome
and
may
not
be
the
best
approach

10. The
Layers
of
Conflict
Resource-­‐
Based
ObjecAve-­‐Based
IdenAty-­‐Based
10
Observable / Tangible
Below the Surface
What we want & How we get there
Goals, Interests, Methods, Purposes
Why we want / need
Values, Motivations, Fears, Hopes
Present-oriented
Tomorrow-focused
Past-based
Adapted from Dr. Jay Rothman’s ARIA model
Conflict’s Exterior
Conflict’s Interior
Cultural & Psychological
Psychological & Structural
Structural
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

11. Conflict’s
ConstrucAve
Capacity
• DisAnguish
inherited
and
constructed
beliefs
about
conflict
• Embrace
an
empowered
context
for
conflict
• Change,
innovaAon,
and
transformaAon
arise
in
the
context
of
conflict
• Understand
your
relaAonship
to
conflict
and
predisposed
ways
of
being,
thinking,
and
“re-­‐acAng”
11
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

12. Thomas-­‐Kilmann
Conflict
Modes
• Provides
insight
into
different
conflict
styles
• Suggests
conflict
style
tendencies
(not
hard
truths)
• No
right/wrong
style
-­‐
each
appropriate
in
different
situaAons
• Understand
how
and
when
to
use
the
various
modes
• Based
on
2
basic
dimensions
– Asser%veness:
Extent
to
which
individual
akempts
to
saAsfy
his/her
own
concerns
– Coopera%veness:
Extent
to
which
individual
akempts
to
saAsfy
the
other
person’s
concerns
12
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

13. Thomas-­‐Kilmann
Conflict
Modes
13
Assertiveness
ConcernforSelf
Cooperativeness
Concern for Others
Uncooperative Cooperative
UnassertiveAssertive
Source: Thomas-Kilmann
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

14. Thomas-­‐Kilmann
Conflict
Modes
AVOIDING
Suitable Situations
• Insignificant issue
• Allow space for emotions to stabilize
• More information to be gathered
Considerations for using alternate style
• Do you feel like the expression of needs or opinions are stifled?
Cautions
• Cultivating a conflict-adverse culture
• Effective problem-solving not possible without exchange of ideas,
interests, and diverse perspectives
Person
delays
engaging
the
conflict
by
being
either
unasser%ve
or
uncoopera%ve
for
some
period
of
%me
(or
forever)
14
Lose/Lose
Adapted fromThomas-Kilmann
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

15. CreaAve
Conflict
Avoidance
• MinimizaAon
• MisdirecAon
• EscalaAon
• Premature
Problem
Solving
–
3
QuesAons
to
Slow
Down
– What
problem
is
your
proposal
trying
to
address?
– Is
that
the
most
significant
issue
that
needs
to
be
addressed
(and
if
not,
what
is)?
– How
well
does
your
proposal
address
that
issue?
15
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel
Adapted from Bernie Mayer

16. Thomas-­‐Kilmann
Conflict
Modes
ACCOMMODATING
Suitable Situations
• Issue is low importance
• Giving in fosters good will (and you’re authentically conceding)
• When the other solution is better
Considerations for using alternate style
• Do you feel like your contributions and concerns aren’t recognized?
Cautions
• Cohesiveness at the expense of generating a healthy level of tension
• Important or underlying issues remain unresolved
Person
seeks
to
emphasize
or
preserve
the
rela%onship
by
conceding
to
the
other
16
Lose/Win
Adapted fromThomas-Kilmann
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

17. Thomas-­‐Kilmann
Conflict
Modes
COMPROMISING
Suitable Situations
• Time-sensitivity and issues of moderate importance
• Power is balanced
• Issues are clear and distributive in nature
Considerations for using alternate style
• Does the situation require a deeper dive into underlying dynamics?
Cautions
• Solutioning too quickly and solving the wrong problem
• Pacifying both sides through a veneer of “giving something up”
Person
seeks
for
all
par%es
to
make
concessions
17
Win-­‐Lose/Win-­‐Lose
Adapted fromThomas-Kilmann
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

18. Thomas-­‐Kilmann
Conflict
Modes
COMPETING
Suitable Situations
• Time is critical for action
• Your needs or rights are at stake
• Vital and unpopular issues
Considerations for using alternate style
• Will this jeopardized the relationship and is it important in the future?
Cautions
• Myopic thinking limiting the flow of ideas and information
• Creating a “yes” culture to acquiesce to your view
Person
seeks
to
pursue
own
interest
with
liQle
or
no
rela%onship
focus
18
Win/Lose
Adapted fromThomas-Kilmann
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

19. Thomas-­‐Kilmann
Conflict
Modes
COLLABORATING
Suitable Situations
• Collective ownership of solution is important
• Complex situations benefiting from expanded perspectives and
creative solutioning
• Relationship transformation is desired
Considerations for using alternate style
• Do you feel like a unilateral decision is appropriate?
Cautions
• Analysis paralysis or time and resource use on insignificant issues
• Trust is possible and willingness to be open-minded exists
Person
seeks
to
enrich
the
rela%onship,
explore
mul%ple
perspec%ves,
and
strive
for
consensus
and
crea%ve
solu%ons
19
Win/Win
Adapted fromThomas-Kilmann
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

20. Choosing
a
Conflict
Style
Some
quesAons
to
keep
in
mind
• Who
has
the
power?
• How
important
is
nurturing
the
relaAonship?
• How
important
is
the
task
or
issue?
• Are
there
deeper
aspects
that
need
to
be
surfaced?
Remember
the
layers
of
conflict!
20
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

21. ReflecAve
QuesAons
• What
does
conflict
mean
to
me?
• In
what
ways
do
I
feel
effecAve/ineffecAve
in
engaging
conflict?
• What
have
I
learned
or
realized
in
this
session
I
hadn’t
considered
or
admiked
to
myself
before?
• What
is
the
construc%ve
/
transforma%ve
poten%al
of
conflict?
• How
can
I
apply
the
learning?
21
©
Copyright
2013
Darshana
Patel

22. 22
ABOUT
UNSCRIPTED
WAY™
Unscripted
Way™
• Helps
people
and
organizaAons
disAnguish
and
rewire
their
limiAng
pakerns
so
they
can
liberate
their
true
potenAal
and
redefine
what’s
possible
for
themselves
and
the
communiAes
they
impact
• DemysAfies
consciousness
and
transformaAon,
making
it
accessible
and
applicable
to
individuals
and
organizaAons
at
any
stage
of
growth
• Delivers
services
via
facilitated
group
training
and
experienAal
workshops,
guided
group
conversaAons
to
explore
condiAoned
pakerns,
embedded
team
intervenAons,
and
coaching
• Uses
the
revoluAonary
framework
“The
Unscripted
Way:
The
3
Habits
to
Liberate
Your
True
Poten<al”
4
DAY
WORKSHOP:
THE
UNSCRIPTED
WAY™
FOR
LIFE
|
TEAMS
COACHING
AND
CUSTOMIZED
SOLUTIONS
•
Unscripted
TransformaAon
6
Month
Program
•
Unscripted
TransformaAon
Customized
Program
•
Unscripted
Hourly
Coaching
and
FacilitaAon
Habit
1:
Be
Conscious
of
Condi%oned
PaQerns
Habit
2:
“Un-­‐Cult”
the
Culture
Habit
3:
Use
Conflict
for
Con%nuous
Growth
©
2013
Darshana
Patel
UNSCRIPTED
WAY™:
THE
3
HABITS
TO
LIBERATE
YOUR
TRUE
POTENTIAL
1)
Be
Conscious
of
Condi%oned
Pakerns
2)
“Un-­‐Cult”
the
Culture
3)
Use
Conflict
for
Con%nuous
Growth
Conflict
enables
growth
and
innova%on.
Explore
and
apply
its
construc%ve
and
transforma%onal
capaci%es.
Objec%ves
• Appreciate
conflict’s
hidden
capaciAes
• Recognize
and
respect
conflict
styles
• Foster
creaAve
problem
solving
via
collaboraAon
Key
Topics
• Unscripted
Conflict:
The
3
Secrets
of
Conflict
for
Breakthrough
RelaAonships
1)
Become
Conscious
of
CondiAoned
Pakerns
2)
Listen
through
Complaint
for
underlying
Commitment
3)
ShiF
from
CompeAAon
to
CollaboraAon
Culture
serves
a
vital
role
in
crea%ng
iden%ty
and
belonging.
“Un-­‐Cult”
the
darker
side
of
inherited
and
imposed
belief
systems.
Objec%ves
• Understand
the
role
and
dynamics
of
culture
• Examine
the
cultural
belief
curriculum
• Transcend
limiAng
beliefs
and
assumpAons
Key
Topics
• Inherited
beliefs
and
assumpAons
and
the
role
in
narraAve
development
• MimeAc,
group
think,
and
scapegoat
phenomenon
• Consciously
architecAng
beliefs
and
values
People
and
teams
unconsciously
execute
condi%oned
paQerns
of
existence.
Liberate
from
the
narra%ves
and
redefine
possibility.
Objec%ves
• Become
conscious
of
limiAng
pakerns
• Develop
a
new
a
perspecAve
on
any
situaAon
• Liberate
potenAal,
passion,
and
creaAvity
Key
Topics
• Looking
at
versus
through
perspecAves
• ExperienAal
reflecAon
to
powerfully
disAnguish
limiAng
narraAves
• Unscripted
Way™
framework
for
liberaAng
potenAal,
enabling
transformaAon
and
growth
Unscripted
Way™
LEARNING
IS
POWERFUL.
UNLEARNING
IS
TRANSFORMATIONAL.
LIVE
UNSCRIPTED.™
www.unscriptedway.com

23. About
Darshana
Patel
darshana@unscriptedway.com
Darshana
Patel,
Founder
of
Unscripted
Way,
is
a
TransformaAon
Facilitator
and
Coach
specializing
in
Change
Leadership
and
Conflict
with
20
years
experience.
Darshana
helps
people
and
organizaAons
disAnguish
and
rewire
their
limiAng
pakerns
so
they
can
liberate
their
true
potenAal
and
redefine
what’s
possible
for
themselves
and
the
communiAes
they
impact.
Darshana’s
career
has
an
uncommon
balance
of
progressive
theory
and
pracAcal,
in-­‐the-­‐trenches
experience.
Her
knowledge
of
and
contribuAon
to
current
research
in
developmental
psychology,
organizaAonal
change,
and
conflict
engagement
transcend
convenAonal
approaches
to
personal
and
group
improvement.
Her
innovaAve
thinking
and
approach,
coupled
with
her
proven
experience
in
Change
and
Program
Leadership
at
many
of
the
largest
global
organizaAons
including
McKesson,
GE
Energy,
Lockheed
MarAn,
Wells
Fargo,
and
Bank
of
America,
equip
her
with
new
thinking
to
help
individuals
and
teams
address
today’s
challenges
created
by
yesterday’s
soluAons.
Darshana
possesses
a
Master’s
degree
in
Conflict
Analysis
&
Engagement
from
AnAoch
University
and
a
Bachelor's
of
Business
AdministraAon
in
InformaAon
Systems
from
the
University
of
CincinnaA.
Her
credenAals
include:
CerAficate
in
Change
Leadership
from
Cornell
University,
GE
Change
AcceleraAon
Process
Coach,
Project
Management
Professional
(PMP),
Lean
Six
Sigma
Green
Belt,
and
registered
mediator
Georgia’s
Office
of
Dispute
ResoluAon.
Darshana
is
a
sought-­‐aFer
facilitator
and
mediator,
keynote
speaker,
and
internaAonally
published
author
on
Change
and
TransformaAon
challenges
and
soluAons.
23