ATT

AdVAnce pRAise FoR
Attitude ReconstRuction

“Jude Bijou shows us how we can transform feelings of sadness, anger,
and fear into joy, love, and peace. Attitude Reconstruction really works.”
—John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are
from Venus and many other bestselling books

“Jude Bijou has given the most practical direction to deal with our
emotions in her book, Attitude Reconstruction. Her teaching beautifully
integrates eastern Vedic thoughts and the western approaches in order to
heal the emotions in our daily life. Jude Bijou gives direct, applied ways to
transform emotions into right understanding and love, in order to bring
self-healing.”
—Dr. Vasant Lad, B.A.M.S., M.A.Sc., Ayurvedic physician,
scholar, founder and director of the Ayurvedic Institute,
Albuquerque, New Mexico, and author of Ayurveda: The Sci-
ence of Self Healing and Textbook of Ayurveda

“Jude Bijou’s wonderful book is a beautifully written guide to trans-
forming your life from the inside out. Her playful spirit makes the journey
exciting, thought provoking, and, most of all, highly useful and effective.”
—Robert Maurer, Ph.D., faculty, UCLA School of Medicine,
and author of One Small Step Can Change Your Life

“To all parents who find themselves repeating the same dysfunctional,
emotional tirades over and over again: read this book. Attitude Reconstruc-
tion is a guidebook to getting out of the swamp of toxic emotions. Jude
Bijou offers readers a way to interact clearly and effectively, and respond to
daily challenges with a calm and happy heart.”
—Dr. Sharon Maxwell, clinical psychologist, and author of
What Your Kids Need to Hear from You about Sex

“Attitude Reconstruction is a practical book filled with powerful methods
that can help you through any problem or emotional upset. Jude is a rare
psychotherapist who is both highly caring and clear in presenting what
really works and why. I have found her guidance helpful in my therapy
practice as well as with handling issues in my own life.”
—Jonathan Robinson, M.F.T., author of several bestsellers,
including Communication Miracles for Couples and The Com-
plete Idiot’s Guide to Awakening Your Spirituality

“This work should be required reading for everyone, whether profes-
sional or personal. If we all knew how to manage ourselves using Attitude
Reconstruction, we would live in a peaceful world free from judgment.
Both medicine and psychology would be greatly enhanced by taking
another look at what people really want, which is not to be labeled, but
guided toward self-help and insight, resulting in a life with more meaning
and wholeness. Therein is the contribution which Jude Bijou has made with
the stroke of her pen and twenty years of inquiry.”
—Linda W. Peterson, Ph.D., professor emerita, University of
Nevada Medical School, marriage and family therapist, dip-
lomat in forensic counseling

“Applying Jude Bijou’s proven techniques, we can all reconstruct our
attitudes so that we consistently behave as the people we most desire to
be—joyful, peaceful, and full of love. This is the guidebook for ensuring a
happy life.”
—Jan C. Hill, international leadership and teamwork consul-
tant to Fortune 500 companies, certified coach, and coauthor
with Vanessa Weaver of Smart Women, Smart Moves

ATTITUDE
RECONSTRUCTION

A Blueprint for Building a Better Life

Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T.

Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life
Published by Synergy Books
P.O. Box 30071
Austin, Texas 78755

For more information about our books, please write us, e-mail us at info@synergybooks
.net, or visit our web site at www.synergybooks.net.

Printed and bound in the United States of America. All rights reserved. No part of this
book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including
information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from the copyright
holder, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in review.

Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication
(Provided by Quality Books, Inc.)

Bijou, Jude.
Attitude reconstruction : a blueprint for building a
better life / Jude Bijou.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
LCCN 2010923451
ISBN-13: 978-0-9843879-0-8
ISBN-10: 0-9843879-0-0

1. Change (Psychology) 2. Attitude (Psychology)
I. Title.

BF637.C4B55 2010 158.1
QBI10-600044

Copyright© 2010 by Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T.

Attitude Reconstruction® and Hey, Jude!® are registered trademarks belonging to the author.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

I gave it my best shot and now I offer this book to you.

contents

Introduction XI
Part I: An Overview
1. Emotions are the Keys to Understanding 1
2. How to Replace Sadness, Anger, and Fear with Joy, Love, and Peace 33

Part II: Your Five Tools
3. Emotions: The Heart of the Matter 53
4. Thoughts: Rewire Your Thinking 83
5. Thoughts: High-Voltage Rewiring 105
6. Intuition: The Direct Line to the Self 129
7. Speech: The Four Rules of Communication 149
8. Speech: Dealing with Differences 175
9. Action: Make and Take Small Steps 199
10. Action: Waging the Battle Against Old Habits 229

Part III: Living It
11. From Sadness to Joy 265
12. From Anger to Love 297
13. From Fear to Peace 321
Conclusion 345
Acknowledgments 347
Appendix One 349
Bibliography and Further Reading 351

Vii

intRoduction

We all want more joy, love, and peace for ourselves and our families.
Instead, we experience isolation, strife, and paralyzing fear. We lash out
at those we love the most. We don’t fully enjoy the good times because
we’re worrying about what’s next. We let opportunities pass us due to
indecisiveness. We berate ourselves mercilessly for making mistakes.
Nearly thirty years of practice as a psychotherapist and teacher have
made it clear to me that emotions color virtually everything we feel,
think, say, and do. And I am utterly convinced that most of the problems
in our lives and our relationships are caused by unexpressed and unac-
knowledged sadness, anger, and fear.
Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life not only
illuminates the pivotal role emotions play in our lives, but also reveals
the influence they have over all our thoughts, words, and actions. In
addition to information that just plain makes sense, you will find work-
sheets and practical tips, along with abundant examples of how clients

i

Attitude ReconstRuction

and students have used Attitude Reconstruction to bring about signifi-
cant change. The result is that you will be able to create more joy, love,
and peace in your life.
In this book, you’ll learn that every feeling you experience throughout
your life derives from six primary emotions, just like every shade in the
rainbow can be made from the primary colors red, yellow, and blue. Nega-
tive feelings like frustration, anxiety, and guilt, as well as positive feelings
like compassion, contentment, and delight—all of these stem from six
emotions: sadness, anger, and fear; and their counters, joy, love, and peace.

Moving from Sadness, Anger, and Fear to Joy,
Love, and Peace
Attitude Reconstruction is both a holistic theory of human behavior
and a practical guide to understanding our emotions. It integrates emo-
tions, thoughts, intuition, communication, and actions into one unified
system and reveals the ultimate attitudes that govern them all.
In keeping with the wisdom of ancient religious traditions and
philosophies worldwide, I believe that joy, love, and peace are funda-
mental aspects of our spiritual nature. But sadness, anger, and fear are
also part of the human condition, and in the process of denying these
“negative” emotions, trying to get around them, and attempting to sup-
press them, we become our own worst enemies. The fallout corrupts our
bodies, minds, spirits, behaviors, and overall sense of well-being. The
physical consequences show up as stress-related diseases, such as high
blood pressure, digestive distress, eating disorders, or reliance on phar-
maceuticals. Unreleased emotions are the culprits behind much of what
we read and hear in the news: suicide, domestic violence, gang warfare,
road rage, juvenile delinquency, addictions, and on and on. Beyond that,
stifling our emotions compromises our personal relationships, our com-
munities, and our planet.
Along with bathing and brushing our teeth, releasing our emotions
needs to become part of our daily routines. Just like physical hygiene,
“emotional hygiene” is crucial to our health and must become an integral
part of our lives.

intRoduction i

We deny, ignore, or suppress our emotions because we’ve been con-
ditioned to believe that expressing them is a sign of weakness, or because
we’re afraid we will be swept away by them. As one client said to me,
“I’m afraid that if I let myself cry, I’ll never be able to stop.” Or we imag-
ine that acknowledging our emotions might lead us to extreme actions
we’ll regret: “If I allow myself to really feel my rage at my parents, I won’t
be able to maintain any sort of relationship with them.”
This book will give you the tools to deal with your sadness, anger,
and fear constructively. Although you can use what you learn in this
book to help you resolve past emotionally laden issues, the emphasis is
not on dissecting your history, but on forming a new understanding of
yourself that will change the way you experience the rest of your life. You
have everything you need within you already. This handbook will show
you the way to the emotions of joy, love, and peace. In these pages, you
will learn:

– How to express the pure energy of sadness, anger, and fear
physically and constructively, liberating you from their destruc-
tive influence
– How to replace habitual negative thinking with thoughts that
make your mind your friend rather than your foe
– How to access and follow your natural intuition (yes, we all
have it!) in ways that honor yourself and respect others
– How to use the Four Rules of Communication with confidence
to talk effectively about difficult topics, listen empathetically,
and resolve differences smoothly and amicably
– How to take constructive action to handle seemingly “stuck”
situations, achieve any goal, and banish the unhealthy attitudes
and addictions that keep you mired in sadness, anger, and fear

About This Book
Personally, I’m a browser and don’t tend to read books in order. For
that reason I’ve organized Attitude Reconstruction to be accessible to any

ii Attitude ReconstRuction

kind of reader. Read it from cover to cover, or begin with whatever reso-
nates most strongly with you.
In part I, you will find an overview, including an explanation of
the entire theory of emotions, the Attitude Reconstruction Blueprint,
and the cut-to-the-chase version of how to turn sadness into joy, anger
into love, and fear into peace. In part II, you will learn about your five
tools—emotions, thoughts, intuition, words, and actions—and the uni-
fying laws that govern them. Understanding what brings sadness, anger,
and fear and what brings joy, love, and peace will allow you to make
conscious choices so you can create the life you desire. Part III of this
book allows you to isolate a specific destructive attitude and select tools
to dismantle it. It shows how to work with issues like insecurity, frus-
tration, worry, and guilt. After you understand the underlying dynamic
behind a given attitude, you can find practical ways to turn it into its
constructive opposite.
To apply the information found in these pages, you must focus on
yourself. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that focusing on
ourselves is selfish or egotistical. However, with the exceptions of the
very young, old, or disabled, we are each responsible for our own selves.
As every commercial airline flight reminds us, we need to affix our own
oxygen masks before offering assistance to others. Likewise, giving our-
selves the gift of living in joy, love, and peace provides the necessary
foundation to truly contribute to our families, friends, and planet.

Why I Had to Write This Book
I have always had a deep yearning to be happy and a passion for
understanding human behavior. Why do we suffer so much when life
can be so good?
My father, Sidney W. Bijou, had a tremendous influence on my pro-
fessional journey. As a pioneer in the field of behavioral child psychology
and applied behavior analysis, he imparted to me the value of direct
observation, being specific, and praising the positive. After earning a
master’s degree in psychology, I began teaching introductory psychology

intRoduction iii

courses at a university and continued to explore different approaches
that would help me understand myself and my world. While much of
what I learned felt like pieces of the truth, I never found a system or
philosophy that explained how to be truly happy and live in harmony
with others.
In the early 1970s, I discovered Transcendental Meditation, an East-
ern approach to living brought to the West by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
of India. In my heart, I sensed that it was the key to what I had been
searching for. I plunged into years of study of meditation and philoso-
phy. After a decade, I met Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, with whom I
practiced Siddha Yoga meditation. During that time, I learned about
Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, and Ayurvedic medicine, the ancient science of
health and self-healing.
The Eastern schools of thought provided many profound insights
about life, spirituality, and the mind, but something was still missing.
Underneath my highs and lows, I still felt flat, uninspired. I was trudg-
ing through my day-to-day life academically, personally, and relationally.
I was stuck, and nothing I did brought any sustained relief from my own
unhappiness. But when I decided to further my clinical training and
become a licensed marriage and family therapist, something amazing
began to happen. As I participated in diverse classes, therapies, work-
shops, and trainings, I started to see patterns I hadn’t seen before, all
revolving around emotions.
After being in private practice and teaching classes for several years,
Attitude Reconstruction began to come into focus. I realized that regard-
less of why clients came to see me, all their difficulties lay in the three
emotions of sadness, anger, and fear. They were either trying to suppress
these emotions completely or expressing them in ways that were self-
destructive or detrimental to others. It became clear that most people
spend a great deal of effort distracting themselves from what they feel
in their bodies, rather than expressing their emotions as pure physical
energy.
This book offers the results of my quest to reliably experience joy,
love, and peace. These emotions are not merely holiday platitudes, but

iV Attitude ReconstRuction

precious gifts that are available to each of us when we learn to deal with
our sadness, anger, and fear.

The Icing on the Cake
Just as physical exercise gets your body into shape, putting the Atti-
tude Reconstruction principles into practice will make you emotionally
fit and able to deal with whatever is thrown your way. Reading this book
won’t “fix” you in the same way that a course of antibiotics gets rid of
an infection, but if you integrate the suggestions into your life, you can
improve your personal relationships and find the courage to fulfill your
most cherished dreams. The wonderful result of toning your emotional
body is the ability to be in the world without losing your balance. You
will engage with the world in ways that naturally promote your own
happiness, create goodwill with others, and actualize your true poten-
tial.
Another powerful benefit of practicing Attitude Reconstruction is
the occurrence of “divine shifts.” Have you ever experienced a moment
when your awareness suddenly expanded like a light bulb flicking on,
and you knew that something was undeniably true? During such “aha!”
moments, you connect with your truest self and know irrefutably that
you are doing something right. A divine shift usually occurs when you
stop calling yourself names, cease feeling intimidated, ease into relax-
ing, or start actualizing your dreams. This transformation happens on a
fundamental level, as if your neural pathways are cleared and vital energy
flows freely. Each time you choose to take constructive action, you will
find yourself “in the flow,” and the effects are cumulative. Whether you
call it nature, God’s plan, the tao, or something else, you will know that
you are safe, whole, and connected.
May this book be a trustworthy companion and an unfailing guide.

1

Emotions are the Keys
to Understanding

Sadness Joy
Anger Love
Fear Peace

Attitude Reconstruction proposes that unhappiness, suffering, and
misery are rooted in unexpressed sadness, anger, and fear. It also says
that we can systematically create their counterparts (joy, love, and peace,
respectively) and find the happiness we seek. “But wait,” you’re probably
saying, “how can all these complicated feelings be reduced to three pairs
of emotions?” If you’re willing to stay open to the possibility, this seem-
ingly radical idea will soon resonate with your own personal experience
as it has with my own, and with that of my many clients.

1

2 An oVeRView

The Six Emotions
Sadness Joy
Anger Love
Fear Peace

Each Emotion Feels and Looks Different
Across all cultures, human beings share the same emotions. They’ve
been the same throughout the history of Homo sapiens. Cave people
experienced fear, anger, and sadness as well as joy, love, and peace. The
old, the young, and everyone in between are capable of feeling them all.
Emotions come and go, continually shifting like the weather. They
are spontaneous physical reactions to what we experience throughout the
day. We feel them as pure sensations in our bodies. They have no words.
Just look at the word “emotion,” and you can see “e-motion,” or “energy in
motion.” Each emotion manifests as a different sensation in our bodies.

Bodily Sensations Associated with Each Emotion

Sadness Joy Anger Love Fear Peace

heavy heart blissful hot warm cold relaxed
constricted expansive flushed open tense tranquil
chest muscles

weak sparkling tight full shivering content
muscles
low energy carefree aggressive soft trembling quiet

tight throat active cold stare smiling stomach perceptive
knots

slow exuberant striking embracing elevated alert
out pulse
lethargic light explosive connected agitated calm

When we feel sadness, we feel cold and slow, and we find it hard to
speak without crying. With joy, we feel exuberant and bouncy. Anger makes

emotions ARe the Keys to undeRstAnding 3

us feel hot, tight, and ready to strike out and explode. With love, we feel
open and warm. When we feel fear, we get cold, shiver all over, and feel our
innards constrict. With peace, we feel tranquil and relaxed, yet alert.
The way energy moves in our bodies is different for each emotion
too. Sadness weighs us down. Joy’s energy moves upward, causing us to
feel elated. When we feel angry, the energy pushes outward, and we lash
out and push people away. With love, the energy pulls inward, and we
draw others near. When we experience fear, the energy is erratic, and we
feel jumpy and wired, or frozen and immobilized. When we experience
peace, we feel calm, still, and collected.
Each emotion is also reflected differently in our faces, posture, move-
ments, tone, and demeanor. Even without hearing any words, it’s fairly easy
to tell the difference between someone who is bouncing around just having
been accepted to the university of his choice, and someone who is running
late and can’t find some important papers she needs for her meeting. The
physical expressions of each emotion are distinctive and easily recognizable.
Another way to understand the distinction between the emotions is
to think about how each is expressed physically.

Each Emotion’s Physical Expression


crying smiling aggressive open agitated relaxed
sobbing bubbling pushing soft shivering silent
weeping sparkling pounding smiling shuddering still

wailing exuberant stomping sweet trembling alert
laughter laughter

frowning exhilarated biting embracing nervous aware
yells laughter
crying yelling undefended quivering smiling
caustic reaching jiggly legs
laughter out

4 An oVeRView

Emotions and Feelings
We affix many different names to the same emotions. Emptiness,
helplessness, arrogance, confusion, impatience, jealousy—these are
just different labels we attach to the same wordless physical sensation,
depending on our history and circumstances. The same is true for bliss,
contentment, delight, and ecstasy. Feelings are mental. Emotions are
physical. An example will bring this concept into focus. Say you’ve been
under the weather but dread going to the doctor. Your stomach is in
knots, and your hands are freezing. You start projecting into the future.
“What if I have cancer? I won’t be able to work. What will happen to
the children?” You might call what you’re feeling anxiety or nervousness,
but what you are experiencing on a physical level is the emotion of fear.
It’s just pure energy.
It doesn’t matter whether the source of your fear is a potential
diagnosis, meeting your future in-laws for the first time, or giving a pre-
sentation in class. And it doesn’t matter whether you call what you’re
feeling anxiety, stress, agitation, or panic—you’re dealing with fear.

Examples of Some Feelings Associated
with Each Emotion


unlovable lovable jealous open worried relaxed

lonely confident dissatisfied satisfied nervous calm

needy secure intolerant tolerant stressed productive

guilty self- resentful kind indecisive stable
accepting
small strong disgusted grateful confused committed
incapable powerful conceited humble impatient patient
glum delighted stingy generous rigid flexible

It’s easier to deal with what we’re feeling if we identify the underly-
ing emotions. Is it sadness, anger, fear? Joy, love, peace?


Emotions Are Triggered by Specific Events
Everyone experiences all six emotions. They are normal reactions to
specific events. As we go through life, big and little things happen that
naturally evoke these different sensations in our bodies. Whether it’s a
scene in a movie, gossip about a friend, or an upheaval at work, our emo-
tions are continually triggered by the events in our lives. The following
table shows you the types of situations that generate each emotion.

Emotional Triggers

Emotions Specific Events

Sadness losses and hurts

Joy achievements, good news, creative express, beauty

Anger injustices and violations

Love kindness, caring, generosity, understanding

Fear threats to our survival

Peace safety, comfort, security, serenity

We often experience more than one emotion at a time, and some-
times one emotion masks another. For example, imagine that someone
you admire calls you “careless.” That feels like a violation and naturally
provokes anger. But it also hurts to be called names, so buried under-
neath your anger is probably sadness. If, while blasting you, the person
expresses hostility, you probably feel threatened and experience fear as
well.

Why We Resist Our Emotions
As babies, we took delight in the world around us and marveled at
being alive. We dealt with upsets by unabashedly expressing our emo-
tions, then swiftly returned to our trusting, playful selves. How simple
and great life was. As adults, most of us don’t resist laughing at some-

An oVeRView

thing funny, hugging our children, or experiencing a moment of peace
while hiking in nature. However, we very much want to avoid crying,
expressing anger, and showing fear. Expressing these emotions feels for-
eign because we’ve “forgotten” that they are an integral part of being
human.
As we grew up, our families, peers, schools, religious institutions—in
short, our entire culture—shaped us to fit into societal norms. Constraints
on time and place, as well as other people’s own unexpressed emotions,
prevented us from directly showing what we were feeling inside. Some-
times we were shamed out of vocalizing what we were feeling.
We modeled ourselves on those around us. Instead of expressing our
emotions, we developed defenses against them and counterproductive
ways of compensating. While it may not be appropriate for a grown
woman to throw a loud tantrum when the grocery store is out of her
favorite kind of cookie, the campaign against showing emotions has
been taken much too far. There are precious few situations in our society
where it is okay to cry, stomp, or physically show that we are afraid by
shivering. We’ve all gotten the messages: “Tears equal weakness,” “Don’t
wear your heart on your sleeve,” “Stop crying or I’ll give you something
to cry about,” or even “Die before cry.” I’ve witnessed a truly caring wife
in my office attempt to comfort her husband, who was finally expressing
his grief, by saying, “Honey, don’t cry.”
Part of being alive is experiencing countless emotionally charged
events every day. Usually, it doesn’t even cross our minds that we could
express the emotions we’re feeling. If crying is taboo, expressing healthy
anger is also forbidden. We were discouraged from showing anger by
being told, “Put a lid on it,” “Girls aren’t pretty when they’re angry,” “We
don’t yell in this family,” “You’re upsetting me,” or “You’re acting crazy
again.” In a similar fashion, expressing fear was summarily squashed
with messages such as “Don’t be a scaredy-cat,” “You chicken,” “There’s
nothing to be afraid of,” or “Snap out of it!”
And we don’t stifle only the emotions that we regard as negative or
unpleasant. To a lesser degree, we learned to downplay the emotions
of joy, love, and peace. As children, our unbridled laughter was often

emotions ARe the Keys to undeRstAnding

disruptive to the busy routines of adults. When we squealed in sheer
delight, our parents’ reaction was often a firm command to tone it down.
And when we felt peaceful and content to just stare at the clouds, we
may have received messages such as “Don’t just sit there” or “Can’t you
find something better to do?” Good moments immediately turned flat.
Recently, I saw a youngster’s utter joy at being served a huge plate of
pancakes extinguished by swift reprimands to “behave” from both par-
ents. Overt messages like these, plus observations of those around us,
taught us to fit in by camouflaging rather than expressing our emotions
naturally and physically.

What We Do Instead of Expressing
Our Emotions
Because we don’t allow ourselves to express our sadness, anger, or
fear physically and constructively, the emotional energy gets stuck inside
of us, along with the specific event that triggered it. Our unexpressed
emotions act like a wad of gunk, jamming up our ability to process the
experience. Some people have described this to me as feeling numb or
being on autopilot. When we don’t process our emotions in a healthy
way, our minds resort to well-worn destructive attitudes that are reflected
in how we feel, think, speak, and act.
The ways we mask and divert our emotions are all too familiar. For
instance, maybe your father came home after holding his anger in all
day long, mumbled something about the “idiots” he had to take orders
from, and then, after a drink or two, lashed out at his family members,
the people he felt safest with. Maybe he numbed his pain by staring
mindlessly at the television for hours each night. The fact that he was
suffering from high blood pressure and other medical conditions related
to stifling his emotions did nothing to improve his state of mind. When
we don’t express our emotions physically and constructively, we compen-
sate in predictable, destructive ways.

An oVeRView

Your Emotional Constitution
Some babies are born mellow, some fussy, and some highly reac-
tive. We each come into this world with an emotional predisposition,
a temperament that colors how we interpret our experience. Sadness is
dominant in some of us, others of us have a tendency to lead with anger,
and others are ruled by fear. Imagine that your emotional constitution
is comprised of three buckets. One bucket holds sadness, another anger,
and a third fear. Some people’s fear bucket is overflowing, while their
other buckets are nearly empty; for others, two may be overflowing; for
still others, all three buckets are relatively full. When you look at yourself
and others from this perspective, it’s easier to understand why people
behave the way they do.
You can think of your emotional constitution as being like eye color.
If you look at the color of a mother’s and father’s eyes, you can usually
make an educated guess about what color their child’s eyes will be. In
the same way, your parents’ emotional constitutions have an impact on
which emotions are strongest for you. If both of your parents tend to be
passive (i.e., have more sadness than anger or fear), there’s a good chance
you’ll be passive and experience a lot of sadness too. If one parent has
an angry constitution and the other a fearful one, you could have either
parent’s constitution or a combination of the two.
Though everybody is capable of feeling all six emotions at any
moment, each of us has a propensity to feel some emotions more than
others. Take my mom. Her usual reaction to any event was fear; she
constantly worried about my dad, my brother, me, and almost anything,
bless her heart. Whenever my father was late getting home from work
and my mother heard on the radio that there had been an accident on
the bridge near our house, she immediately envisioned that something
horrible had happened to my dad. She was what I call a “fear gal.”
Imagine a shy college student who is turned down by a dozen sorori-
ties. It’s a hurt or loss, so of course she feels sadness. If she doesn’t allow
herself to acknowledge her pain and cry constructively, she focuses on feel-
ing rejected and begins to view herself harshly. Her unexpressed sadness

emotions ARe the Keys to undeRstAnding

manifests in feeling unworthy, which shows up in her thoughts, words,
and actions. If she doesn’t handle her sadness in a healthy way, her low
self-esteem can become a chronic condition that colors her every move.
Some of us will recognize ourselves in my description of my mother;
others will identify with the college student, and still others will see
themselves reflected in the angry father. The idea of an emotional con-
stitution has its parallel in Ayurvedic medicine, the ancient system of
self-health and healing from India. Ayurveda proposes that all aspects
of nature can be viewed in terms of three elements—Kapha, Pitta, and
Vata—which correlate with the emotions of sadness, anger, and fear.
This quiz will give you a picture of the levels of dominance of sadness,
anger, and fear in your emotional constitution. If you are going through
a particularly stressful time, your results might be slightly skewed, but in
general, they will reflect your basic emotional constitution. Be as honest
with yourself as possible in taking the quiz.

10 An oVeRView

The Quick Questionnaire: What’s My Emotional
Constitution
Using the scale below, rate yourself from 1 to 5 on each item.

1 = almost never
2 = occasionally
3 = about half the time
4 = often
5 = almost always

Score Set Total

Set A
1. I feel unworthy. ____
2. I depend on others for approval. ____
3. I make negative self-judgments. ____
4. I am passive. ____ ____

Set B
1. I focus on the outside world. ____
2. I don’t accept people and situations as they are. ____
3. I make negative judgments of what is. ____
4. I am selfish. ____ ____

Set C
1. I focus on the future or past. ____
2. I overgeneralize. ____
3. I lose sight of what is true or real. ____
4. I attempt to control. ____ ____

Using the same scale, rate how often you feel:

Sadness____ Anger____ Fear____

Joy____ Love____ Peace____


Interpreting Your Results
Add up your numbers for each set of questions. The actual numerical
total for each set is not as significant as the way the three totals compare
to one another. If your highest total is for the first four questions (Set A),
your predominant emotion is sadness. If your highest score is for the sec-
ond four questions (Set B), your strongest emotion is anger. If your highest
total is for the last four questions (Set C), your ruling emotion is fear.
If your scores are equally high for two sets of questions, you have two
dominant emotions. My friend Sally is a perfect example of a person
with a fear-sadness constitution. I’ve rarely ever seen her angry; she’s too
busy getting things done, brooding, and putting an inordinate amount of
pressure on herself. Some folks have a constitution equally proportioned
among the three emotions. They have a sadness-anger-fear constitution
and at any moment may lead with any of these three emotions.
Look at how you rated yourself on sadness, anger, and fear at the bot-
tom of the page. Do these scores correlate with the three totals above?
And how about your scores for joy, love, and peace? If your rating for joy
is high, your score for its opposite, sadness, will probably be low. Like-
wise, if your rating for love is high, your score for its opposite, anger, will
probably be low. And if your rating for peace is high, your score for its
opposite, fear, is usually low.
Your answers reflect the emotions you feel as you deal with life’s
twists and turns. When you hear that your partner got in another fender
bender, do you feel blue (sadness)? Do you tend to lash out at him about
what a reckless driver he is (anger)? Or do you freak out and fret that
she’ll lose her license (fear)?

Emotions Drive the Mind
Each emotion steers the mind in a certain predictable direction. That
is to say, our emotions determine where we focus our attention.

12 An oVeRView

The Focus Associated with Each Emotion

Emotions Focus

Sadness Joy Yourself

Anger Love Other people and situations

Fear Peace Time

Each pair of emotions automatically directs your attention toward
yourself, other people and situations, or time. Whether you view the
focus destructively or constructively depends on the emotion you’re
experiencing.
The first pair of emotions—sadness and joy—turns our attention
inward onto ourselves. When we experience sadness in our bodies but
don’t express it physically, our minds immediately and automatically
start to entertain less than positive thoughts about ourselves. We might
regard ourselves as stupid, inadequate, and unlovable. Reciprocally, when
we experience joy, we naturally feel good about ourselves. In moments
of joy, we know in every cell of our bodies that we’re living life to its full
potential. Remember how truly ecstatic you felt when you finished run-
ning your first marathon (or another goal you prepared for)? What did
you know about yourself then? You probably felt fabulous about your
own abilities and knew you could handle whatever would arise.
The focus of the emotions of anger and love is outward. They move
our attention to other people and situations. We direct our unprocessed
anger externally by finger-pointing and making negative judgments.
Unexpressed anger makes us feel self-righteous, behaving as if our way
is the only way. Conversely, when feeling love, we focus outward as well,
but we respect and appreciate people and situations, and feel expansive,
receptive, and open. We’re attuned to what is helpful, compassionate,
and kind—and we do those things.
Fear and peace turn our focus to time. Unexpressed fear propels us
out of the present moment and into a dreaded future or dwelled-upon


past. If not dealt with, fear distorts our perspective on reality so that
we exaggerate dangers and minimize the potential for safety. We over-
generalize, using such words as “always,” “never,” “everybody,” and “no
one.” In contrast, when we feel peace, our attention fully resides in the
present moment. We think in terms of specifics and when we don’t need
to think, our minds are still. We feel safe, knowing we’ll be all right no
matter what.

Mental Tendencies
Each emotion’s focus carries with it four mental tendencies or core
beliefs. How did I come up with these? I observed the entire range of
people’s behaviors as they experienced each emotion. I found that all
the ways they felt, thought, spoke, and acted fell into a few categories. I
concluded that all of our destructive attitudes boil down to twelve men-
tal tendencies. The four associated with sadness are about ourselves, the
four associated with anger are about other people and situations, and the
four associated with fear are about time.
Similarly, all our constructive attitudes can be reduced to twelve
opposing mental tendencies. There are four about ourselves associated
with joy; four about other people and situations associated with love;
and four about time associated with peace. These mental tendencies,
constructive and destructive, are the default settings that define our per-
sonalities, actions, and reactions.

14 An oVeRView

The Twelve Pairs of Mental Tendencies

Focus: Yourself

Sadness Joy

Unworthy Worthy
Dependent on others for approval Self-reliant
Judge self negatively Appreciate and respect self
Passive Speak up and take action

Focus: People and Situations

Anger Love

Focus on the outside world Open-hearted
Don’t accept people and situations Accept people and situations
Make negative judgments of what is Appreciate and respect what is
Selfish Selfless giving

Focus: Time

Fear Peace

Live in the future or past Reside in the present
Overgeneralize Stay specific
Lose sight of what is true or real Keep sight of what is true or real
Attempt to control Observe, enjoy, allow, and participate

I’ve already explained that fear and peace bring our mental focus
onto time, but how we view the present, past, or future when feeling
these two emotions is very different. When we feel fear and don’t express
the emotional energy physically, we lose sight of reality—what we knew


very clearly at an earlier time and place. For example, you might lose
sight of the fact that the fancy dessert you’re about to eat has at least six
hundred calories and is counter to your goal of losing ten pounds. Or
you might forget that if you stay up until two in the morning playing on
the computer, you won’t feel sharp for your early-morning staff meeting.
Conversely, when you feel peace, your mental focus is still on time, but
you remember reality. You don’t impulsively give into the temptation to
eat the fancy dessert. You remember that you need at least seven hours
of sleep to feel your best, so you are in bed by eleven.
Our mental tendencies manifest in how we think, speak, and act.
They perpetuate our emotions, both constructive and destructive. For
example, if you think well of every person you meet and volunteer read-
ily to help others, you will feel love. Reciprocally, if you primarily dwell
on the half-empty and feel justified in rebelling against the law, you will
perpetuate your anger.

The Mental Tendencies Associated with Sadness,
Anger, and Fear
In the next pages, you’ll find sections of the blueprint showing the
mental tendencies, feelings, words, and actions associated with sadness,
anger, and fear. First is the part for sadness.

1 An oVeRView

Emotion DESTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES
Focus
Expression FEELINGS WORDS ACTIONS
UNWORTHY
Unhappy • I’m lacking some- • Think poorly of
Empty thing. yourself
Inadequate • I’m not enough. • Don’t accept your-
self
Unlovable • I’m no good.
• Create false
• I’m undeserving.
impressions
• There’s something
• Identify worth with
wrong with me.
action, roles, traits
body
• Feel disconnected
from who you are

DEPEND ON OTHERS FOR APPROVAL
Lonely • I’ll do anything to • Please others at
S Insecure keep you happy. own expense
Incomplete • Tell me I’m okay. • Take things per-
A Needy • Show me you
sonally
love me. • Cling to other
D • No one cares
about me.
people
• Seek validation and

N • I’m lonely.
compliments
• Look to others for

E
self-definition
YOURSELF JUDGE SELF NEGATIVELY

S
Self-loathing • I should have • Set unrealistic
Stupid known better. expectations for
yourself
Guilty • I’m an idiot.
S Ashamed • How could I have
• Don’t accept what
you do
done that?
• Put yourself down
• I hate myself
and beat self up
when I make mis-
takes. • Criticize yourself
• I’m hopeless at • Demand perfection
this. from yourself
PASSIVE
Weak • Poor me. • Feel sorry for
Helpless yourself
• I can’t do any-
Incapable thing about this. • Play the submissive
victim
Unassertive • I don’t know how.
• Fail to follow
• I can’t face this.
through with words
• It’s bigger than and actions
crying me.
• Avoid confronta-
sobbing tion
wailing • Lack of self-con-
trol/discipline
frowning


The mental tendencies associated with sadness boil down to the
four ways we don’t honor ourselves. People with sadness constitutions
are intimately familiar with these mental tendencies. Mental tendency
number one is to believe deep down that you are unworthy, incompetent,
and empty. You feel bad about yourself regardless of what you have, look
like, or achieve. In essence, this mental tendency robs us of the knowl-
edge that we are whole and complete, no matter what. This is because
we confuse our pure, inner selves—what remains constant—with our
accomplishments, qualities, and characteristics.
Second, because we don’t have a solid sense of our true worth, we
look to others for validation and satisfaction. We sacrifice our own
wants, needs, and beliefs to keep other people happy, usually because we
don’t want them to have a negative emotional reaction. We need them
to approve of us and not reject or abandon us.
The third mental tendency we have when in the grip of sadness is to
judge ourselves negatively and feel bad about what we have done, said, or
thought. We’re mercilessly hard on ourselves, especially when we make
a mistake. “I’m a loser.” “I’m dumb.” Our negative assessments are laced
with unrealistic expectations and “shoulds,” such as, “I shouldn’t have
done that” or, “What made me say that?”
The fourth and last thing that happens when we stifle the physical
expression of sadness is that we see ourselves as passive and act accord-
ingly. We view ourselves as insignificant and find it hard to speak up and
take action. For example, say you’ve been looking for a new apartment
for several months. Several places you thought were perfect were given
to other people. Increasingly, you feel like a helpless victim, at the mercy
of the big, cruel world. Before you know it, you’ve quit exercising, started
binging on comfort food, and stopped following up on housing leads.
Anger works in similar ways. The mental tendencies and the feelings,
thoughts, and actions associated with anger appear in the excerpt from
the Attitude Reconstruction Blueprint on the following page.

1 An oVeRView

Focus
OUTWARD FOCUS
Jealous • You make me so • Blame / defend /
Blaming mad. accuse
Competitive • You are the prob- • Make “you” state-
lem. ments
Alienated
• It’s your fault. • Compare yourself
to others
• She said that.
• Gossip
• What do they
have? say? think? • Tease / ridicule
want?

DON’T ACCEPT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS
Intolerant • You should be • Have unrealistic
Annoyed different. expectations of
Disappointed • He shouldn’t be others
like that.
A
Frustrated • Deny reality
• Why is this hap-
• Complain / whine
pening?

N • This is not the
way it’s supposed
• Give unsolicited
opinions and advice
to be. • Reject others and
G PEOPLE • I don’t believe
withhold yourself
what I see / hear.
E AND
MAKE NEGATIVE JUDGMENTS OF WHAT IS
SITUATIONS Resentful • You are a loser. • Expect the worst
R Critical • Right-Wrong
Fair-Unfair
• Label people and
things negatively
Self-righteous
Good-Bad
Disgusted • Think in black-
• It’s not enough. and-white terms
• I hate you. • Be sarcastic / criti-
cal / cynical
• She’s not okay.
• Bear grudges

SELFISH
Conceited • It's mine, mine, • Put your own
Stubborn mine. needs ahead of
hot • My way or I
others
Rebellious
aggressive won't play. • Unable to let go of
Arrogant your opinions
hitting • My needs / want /
views are more • Consider yourself
biting important. more important
than others
stomping • I'm special.
• Be overly ambi-
shouting • I want it all.
tious, vain, greedy,
laughing pushy, insensitive
sarcastically • Don’t listen


When we feel anger but don’t deal with the energy constructively,
our attention tends to go outward onto other people, things, and situa-
tions in four predictable negative ways. The first thing the mind does is
to look for something or someone “out there” to blame. When your car
breaks down, it’s the mechanic’s fault. When you have a falling out with
your cousin, it’s because she’s jealous that you have a boyfriend.
The second mental tendency associated with anger is a refusal to
accept people and situations as they are. When consumed by anger, we
hang on to the notion that he, she, it, or they “should” be different. We’re
full of unrealistic expectations that inflame our anger when unmet. We
think, “They shouldn’t have said what they did” or, “It shouldn’t be this
way.”
The third mental tendency associated with unprocessed anger is that
we negatively judge and label what we don’t accept because it doesn’t
conform to our point of view. “It’s not okay,” we righteously rage, “it’s
not fair.” We label what we don’t like as “bad,” “silly,” or “wrong.”
Finally, the fourth belief we take on when in anger’s grip is the belief
that we should get whatever we want and that we know better than
anyone else. (Here is where our ego resides.) We’re the center of the
universe, and we selfishly look out for our own interests at the expense
of others. We think that we have the right to tell others how to run their
lives. “I’m the smartest person,” we arrogantly tell ourselves. “If everyone
just agreed with me, then everything would be fine.”
We are often under the influence of several mental tendencies
simultaneously. Let’s say you’ve just finished a frustrating telephone con-
versation with your mother-in-law. You walk into the next room where
your teenage daughter is sitting. Without even taking in what she’s
doing, you start talking about how pathetic her grandmother is (the first
mental tendency associated with anger: directing your energy outward
against other people and situations). Your daughter, worried about her
test tomorrow, doesn’t agree with you, and responds by whining about her
homework. You tell her to knock that off (the second mental tendency
associated with anger: don’t accept people and situations), then call her a
“crybaby” (the third mental tendency: make negative judgments). When

20 An oVeRView

she protests, you reply that if she’d just listen to you, she’d be a better
person (the fourth mental tendency: selfishness). All the mental tenden-
cies associated with anger manifested in this one everyday interaction.
Next is the part of the blueprint about fear and its mental tendencies.


Focus
LIVE IN THE FUTURE OR PAST
Worried • What if… •Avoid expressing
emotions
Anxious • I don't want to feel
Distracted this feeling. • Rush / speed / hurry

Nervous • I've got to get out • Talk, think, act fast
of here.
• Be impulsive / reck-
• This will never end. less / careless
• Oh no. • Escape reality
through addictions

OVERGENERALIZE
Dramatic • It's always like that. • Go on tangents
Overwhelmed • It's never going to • Exaggerate / mini-
Stressed work. mize issues

F Scattered • Everything's ruined. • Jump to conclusions
• People are inconsid- • Talk in vague terms
erate.
E • This is a disaster.
• Act dramatically

A
TIME
R Indecisive
LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT IS TRUE OR REAL
• Maybe this, maybe • Forget your purpose,
that. goals and reality
Confused
Surprised • I don't know. I don't • Doubt excessively
care.
Conflicted • Procrastinate / fail to
• I'll handle it tomor- take action
row.
• Act without regard
• It doesn't matter. It's to consequences
no big deal.
• Dwell on the past

ATTEMPT TO CONTROL
Impatient • If I don't do it, it • Assume responsibil-
won't get done. ity unnecessarily
Desperate
cold
Rigid • Things are out of • Behave obsessively /
agitated control. compulsively
shivering Panicked
• I've got to be in • Insist on the status
shuddering charge. quo
trembling • Hurry up. • Dominate or manip-
laughing ulate
• I know what you
nervously need. • Plan excessively
breathing
irregularly

22 An oVeRView

What happens when we don’t rid our bodies of the physical energy
of fear? Well, our minds don’t turn it against us as they do with sadness,
or target other people and situations as they do with anger. With fear,
our minds catapult helter-skelter through time, jettisoning out of the
present. We ruminate about the past or attempt to outguess the future.
The agitation we experience throughout our bodies is reflected in our
actions, speech, and thoughts. We act rashly. We can’t stop talking, or we
freeze into confused silence. Our thoughts run at hyperspeed or blank
out from overload. We jump to future what ifs and if onlys, which result
in doubts, worries, and unrealistic fantasies. Or we go wading into the
murky waters of the past by rehashing and analyzing, regretting what
was.
Second, unexpressed fear leads our minds to overgeneralize and deal
in global abstractions such as always, never, and everyone. We assume
all experiences will be like this one or that a particular feeling will last
forever. We become masters at what I call “lumping,” dragging other
topics into a current situation and drawing sweeping conclusions, such
as “everything’s always difficult.” We resort to abstractions when we’re
arguing. By the end of the conversation, we’ve brought in dozens of top-
ics and handled none.
Third, when in fear’s clutches, we have a tendency to lose sight of
what is true or real. We fail to remember that our current situation will
pass. For example, if you have a spat with your spouse, you can get con-
sumed with how distant you feel, forgetting that you do love him or her.
Instead of working to resolve the conflict, you might spend your time
fantasizing about having an affair.
The last tactic our minds take when we have unexpressed fear is
to try to control. When things seem out of control, we feel driven to
do whatever we can to minimize that uncomfortable, scary, free-falling
feeling that stems from realizing that some force bigger than us is ulti-
mately running the show. We may gain an illusion of control by having a
spotless desk, or we may feel as if we have to have complete power over
every aspect of a project or every bite we eat.


The Mental Tendencies Associated with Joy, Love,
and Peace
Just as there are twelve predictable mental tendencies associated
with sadness, anger, and fear, there are twelve mental tendencies linked
to joy, love, and peace. In the section of the blueprint on the next page,
you will find the four mental tendencies associated with joy, the opposite
of sadness.

24 An oVeRView

Emotion Focus
CONSTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES
WORTHY
Happy • I am whole and • Embrace your wonder-
complete. fulness
Full
Blissful • I am okay no matter • Identify with your
what. centered self
Lovable
• I am fine the way I am. • Think well of yourself
• I know who I am. • Know you are not your
actions, roles, traits, and
• There is nothing wrong
body
with me.
• Act with certainty

SELF-RELIANT
Independent • My job is to take care of • Able to fulfill own
myself. needs and desires
Secure
Complete • What I am seeking is • Find support from
within me. within
Confident
• Only if I take care of • Speak and act aligned
myself can I care for with your intuition
you.
J • I am alone and I am
• Nurture yourself
• Enjoy independent
connected.
O
activities
• I know what I want and
YOURSELF need.
Y Self-accepting
APPRECIATE AND RESPECT SELF
• I love myself. I accept • Appreciate yourself
myself.
Self-forgiving • Celebrate accomplish-
Self- respect • Life is for learning. We ments
all make mistakes.
Delighted • Learn from mistakes
• I did the best I could.
• Evaluate yourself
• If I knew then what I realistically
know now, I would have
• Be gentle with yourself
done things different.

SPEAK UP AND TAKE ACTION
Strong • My viewpoints and • Make decisive choices
needs are as important based on your intuition
Powerful as yours.
Enthusiastic • Speak up about what's
• I can do this. I can true for you
Assertive handle this.
• Accomplish your goals
• I have choices.
• Set and enforce reason-
smiling
• I know there is a way. able boundaries
bubbling
sparkling • I’m responsible for what • Show self-control
laughing I think, say, and feel.
exuberantly
tears


Joy’s mental tendencies are about truly honoring ourselves. The first,
the most fundamental tendency, is feeling worthy, meaning that we know
we are fine, okay, perfect deep down, no matter what. In spite of chang-
ing circumstances, actions, or economic conditions, we stay grounded in
the knowledge that we’re whole and complete. We possess unshakably
high self-esteem.
The second mental tendency associated with joy is being self-reliant
and independent, following our inner wisdom regardless of others’ opin-
ions. Rather than operating from a need for validation, which puts us at
the mercy of real and imagined external pressures, we’re guided by what
we know in our hearts when we aren’t under the spell of sadness. We live
our lives committed to honesty and personal integrity.
The third mental tendency associated with joy is that when some-
thing sad happens or we do something we regret, we continue to accept,
respect, and appreciate ourselves. Even when we slip or fail, we choose to
show infinite compassion for ourselves and remain our own best allies.
The fourth mental tendency is a willingness to take personal respon-
sibility. We courageously speak up and take action in line with what we
know within is highest and noblest, rather than what is easy or familiar.
Moving on to the next emotion, the blueprint excerpt on the follow-
ing page shows the mental tendencies and the feelings, thoughts, and
actions associated with love.

2 An oVeRView

Emotion Focus
CONSTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES
OPEN HEARTED
Open • My focus is myself. • Make “I” statements
Honest My domain is me.
• Align with your
Centered • It's not personal. intuition and follow
through
Genuine • I'm doing this for me.
• Live your own life
• What does my intu-
ition say? This is what's • Speak honestly about
true for me. yourself
• Act with integrity

ACCEPT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS
Pleased • People and things are • Have realistic expecta-
Satisfied the way they are, not tions of others
the way I want them
Tolerant • Attend to similarities
to be.
Forgiving • She is the way she is.
• Embrace what is
• Give opinions only
L • This is what is.
• We are all on our own
with permission
• Encourage others
O
paths.

V PEOPLE AND
SITUATIONS
APPRECIATE AND RESPECT WHAT IS
E Kind • You are great. • Be gentle and kind to
others and things
Compassionate • You did your best.
Empathic • Attend to the positive
• We are the same. We
Grateful are all connected. • Honor differences
• I like you. I love you. • Offer praise
• Thank you. • Show gratitude

GIVE SELFLESSLY
Humble • Your viewpoints and • Listen lovingly
Devoted needs are as important
• Help / serve / support
as mine.
Caring others
• I wish you well.
Generous • Share without hidden
warm • What is the high road? motive
open
• How can I help? What • Cooperate
soft tone
can I do?
happy eyes • Show friendliness and
smiling • Helping you is help- affection
speaking ing me.
affection-
ately


The mental tendencies associated with love have to do with feeling
wholeheartedly connected to other people, things, and situations. When
we feel love, we operate from an open heart. We use what is true within
as a compass instead of making decisions based on what external pres-
sures dictate or what we think others want or need.
The second mental tendency is that we accept people and things as
they are—even someone’s insensitivities, shady political maneuvers, or
blatant disregard for another’s well-being. Acceptance does not mean
you have to agree with another person, but it does mean you have to fully
understand their point of view. A stance of true acceptance provides the
foundation to find and then take the kind of action that will increase
love in any situation.
The third mental tendency associated with love is that we value
everyone and everything that exists as we do ourselves. Because we
believe that all people are fundamentally the same, we treat others as
equals, focus on similarities, feel our interconnection, and look for the
good in our world.
The last mental tendency of love is to give selflessly, seek win-win
solutions, and share without any ulterior motive besides generating and
feeling more love.
Remember that earlier scene, where you and your daughter had an
unpleasant interaction over her homework? Here’s the same scene when
you’re feeling love rather than anger. Although your mother-in-law was
a little testy on the phone, you feel empathy, recognizing that she has not
been feeling very well (first mental tendency associated with love: open-
heartedness). When your daughter whines, you quickly realize and accept
that she is feeling anxious (the second mental tendency associated with
love: accept people and situations) and choose to view her wrestling with
her homework with compassion (the third mental tendency: appreciate
and respect other people and situations). You offer her genuine under-
standing, and decide that it’s more important to spend a few minutes
encouraging and helping her to conquer what seems difficult than to start
on your dinner preparations (the fourth mental tendency: selfless giving).
Finally, the last blueprint shows you the mental tendencies and the
feelings, thoughts, and actions associated with peace, the opposite of fear.

2 An oVeRView

Emotion CONSTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES
Focus
RESIDE IN THE PRESENT
Calm • Everything is all • Deal with your emo-
right. Everything tions constructively
Relaxed will be okay.
Content • Calmly handle what-
• Be here now. Here ever happens
Alert I am.
• Slow down
• This feeling is tem-
• Experience the
porary. This situation
moment
will pass.
• Pause to hear your
• It's okay to feel this
intuition
emotion.
• Stop. Breathe. Slow
down.
STAY SPECIFIC
Clear • One thing at a time. • Attend to one thing
at a time
Focused • I'll handle the future
Efficient in the future. • Be observant, objec-
tive, and realistic
P Productive • What's the specific?
• That was then, this
• Speak in concrete
terms
E is now. This is not
forever. • Make precise
requests and define
A • This says nothing
about the future.
clear consequences
• Make and take small
C TIME doable steps
KEEP SIGHT OF WHAT IS TRUE OR REAL
E Stable • This is what's true • Keep your perspec-
for me. tive
Committed
Directed • I care. • Stay motivated to
accomplish goals
Energetic • The goal is more
important that the • Take on challenges
moment.
• Be steady and
• I am responsible for dynamic
my experience.
• Act with conviction /
• My actions have passion
consequences.
OBSERVE, ALLOW, PARTICIPATE, ENJOY
Patient • I let go. • Participate fully in
the moment
Trusting • I am part of a greater
calm whole. • Be a witness to the
Flexible
silent now
Serene • Everything’s unfold-
still ing in its own time. • Feel centered and
alert safe no matter what
• This is out of my
happens
aware control.
• Flow with the pres-
smiling • There is enough
ent with humor,
time.
breathing levity, creativity
fully • Show faith and trust


The emotion of peace is related to living fully in the moment and
seeing life in terms of specifics. When we feel peace, our minds slow
down and reside wholly in the present—peace’s first mental tendency.
Slowing down and pausing allow us to meet the stillness, fullness, and
the miraculousness of right now.
The second mental tendency associated with peace is to refrain from
making global assumptions, fretting about possible implications, or
talking in abstractions. Instead, we stay specific. By remaining concrete
and breaking things down into a series of small doable units, we can
keep things manageable and accomplish almost anything. By remain-
ing specific, we can navigate any topic of conversation, no matter how
emotionally charged.
The third mental tendency of peace is that we stay anchored in real-
ity and don’t lose perspective when we feel overcome with emotions. We
remember that we need to finish a class, even if we find it boring and its
assignments unreasonable. We hold fast to our goal of getting in good
physical shape, even when we’d prefer to lounge around at home rather
than go to the gym.
The last mental tendency of peace is spontaneous participation in
our precious lives and the natural flow with a sense of both playful-
ness and responsibility. With equanimity, humor, and passion, we make
something meaningful out of whatever we are dealt.

The Ultimate Attitudes
The four mental tendencies associated with each emotion can be
reduced to a single statement. When we are mired in sadness, we don’t
honor ourselves. When we are possessed by anger, we lose our focus on
ourselves and don’t accept people and situations. When fear overtakes
us, we jump into the past or future and resort to generalities. These three
destructive ultimate attitudes keep us from being in touch with our-
selves; perpetuate sadness, anger, and fear; and keep us from feeling joy,
love, and peace.

30 An oVeRView

The Three Ultimate Attitudes Associated with Sadness,
Anger, and Fear

Emotion Ultimate Attitudes

Sadness Don’t honor yourself
Anger Refuse to accept people and situations
Fear Live in the past or future and overgeneralize

The mental tendencies associated with joy, love, and peace can also
be summed up in three constructive ultimate attitudes. These attitudes
are universally held values that show up in virtually every culture and
spiritual tradition as the goals to which human beings aspire. They might
sound like airy-fairy notions, pie-in-the-sky clichés, or New Age jargon,
but the constructive ultimate attitudes are well within our reach. We can
use them to guide our every choice.

The Three Ultimate Attitudes Associated with Joy,
Love, and Peace

Emotions Ultimate Attitudes

Joy Honor yourself
Love Accept people and situations
Peace Stay present and specific

When you feel joy, you feel pretty darn good about yourself. This is
how we begin life. Think about an innocent child. She knows that she
is wonderful. She doesn’t disagree when you tell her how beautiful she
is. She naturally thinks well of herself, speaks up for her own interests,
and follows her own inner beat. Likewise, when you’re feeling love for
someone, you naturally accept the person as he or she is, relish what you
share in common, and generously share with others. And finally, when
you are sitting on the beach with a good book and not a care in the
world—no deadlines, no conflicts, no pressures—what is your attitude?


You are present. You relish the moment. How do you feel? Calm and
relaxed. Right here, right now. Peace!
We can make huge strides just by becoming aware of our destructive
ultimate attitudes and replacing them with their constructive counter-
parts. For instance, if you have a sadness constitution or notice that you
are not being kind to yourself, you can remind yourself, “Oops. There I
am putting myself down. I’ll feel better if I say something nice to myself
right now.” If you have an anger constitution and you’re being argumen-
tative and not listening to what someone else is saying, you could say to
yourself, “There I am arguing rather than accepting. It’s time to be quiet
and understand her position, because I want to feel more connected.” Or
if you have a fear constitution and realize you’re worrying about some-
thing in the future, you could remind yourself, “I’m worrying. I’ll enjoy
myself more if I focus on what I can do right now.”

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