How you manage your money could save your relationship

1. One of the most important, yet often overlooked factors for building a strong relationship
is… money. Money is such an emotionally loaded topic that few couples ever discuss it
directly and almost never bring it up before committing to a relationship. For most
people, money is never just money. It represents love, power, happiness, security,
control, dependency, independence, freedom and more. It’s no wonder with so much
emotional baggage attached to money, it’s one of the major reasons for relationships
breaking down.
It starts with two people each having a troubled relationship with money. They may not
have seen the underlying issues when they were going solo, but once the relationship
deepens, the issues surface, get magnified, then explode.
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2. Unfortunately, money is still a taboo topic. After all, who would want to tell someone
you’re dating that you’re an over spender? We grow up in families where nobody talks
about money. Most people will immediately protest: “Not true. My family talked about
money all the time.” When asked, “How did you talk?” they reply, “My father worried
about not having enough, and he yelled at my mother for spending too much.”
The path towards growth is that couples need to “unload” their emotions and feelings
about money and start to see money for what it really is – a tool to accomplish some of
life’s goals. The process won’t happen overnight, but when we begin having open,
honest conversations with each other about money, the healing can begin and the
relationship will flourish.
If you plan to talk about money, always air your feelings first. Otherwise, negotiations
will always break down. If you can’t deal with the pressure of speaking face to face, start
small. Write down your feelings so you can more clearly articulate them with your
partner.
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3. Here are some ideas you can try with your spouse or significant other:
1. Find a non-stressful time when money is not a loaded issue (definitely NOT tax
season) and when you can be alone. Agree on some ground rules: no interrupting each
other; no long tirades; after one person shares a difficult piece of information, the
partner acknowledge it and repeat what was said before responding.
2. Take turns sharing your childhood memories about money. How did your parents
save it, spend it, talk about it? How did they deal with allowances? How did that make
you feel and how does it affect you today?
3. Share your old hurts, resentments and fears about money.
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4. 4. Mention your concerns and fears about your partner’s money style. Then
acknowledge what you admire about their methods and what you secretly envy.
Couples avoid talking about each other’s’ strengths in dealing with money with the fear
that if they do, it means approval of their behavior. In reality, positive statements help to
make partners feel safe enough to give up the negative aspects of their behavior.
5. Share your hopes and dreams. Talk about your goals for the future, short and long-
term.
6. Consider making a shared budget or a spending plan together that meets the hopes
and the goals that have come up on your list more than once. Start with areas of
common ground.
7. Set a time to have the next money talk. Aim for weekly conversations in the
beginning, then monthly ones.
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