What Is The Promise Of Marriage

WHAT IS THE
PROMISE OF
MARRIAGE?

L
ifelong commitments can be
better than engaged couples
want to believe. The
CONTENTS dating, caring, and affection of
premarital enjoyment doesn’t
A Fading Promise . . . . . . 2 have to be lost forever in
A Vision Renewed. . . . . . 4 failed expectations and
Four Phases Of disillusionment. Marriage is
A Good Marriage . . . . . 6 worth the risk in a world where
Expectation. . . . . . . . . . . 7 divorce claims one out of two
marriages. Yet, to reclaim
Covenant. . . . . . . . . . . . 13
the vision of what a marital
Disillusionment . . . . . . . 18 relationship can be, we need to
Fulfillment . . . . . . . . . . . 23 take a look at our expectations,
The Actions Of Love . . 30 our motives, and our faith in
God Himself.
The Reality Behind
The Picture . . . . . . . . . . 32 In the following pages, RBC
staff writer David Egner shows
us how the wisdom of the Bible
can renew and rekindle the
promise of marriage for very
imperfect people.
Martin R. De Haan II

Managing Editor: David Sper Cover Photo & Design:Terry Bidgood
Scripture quotations are from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas
Nelson, Inc. Used by permission.All rights reserved.
© 1992,2002 RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, Michigan Printed in USA

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

A FADING different languages.
PROMISE Sometimes the girls
didn’t help matters. Bob had

B
ob stormed into his forgotten how much his own
workshop, picked up dad had done for him—and
a piece of wood from how little he as a young
his workbench, and hurled person had appreciated his
it into a pile of scrap in the own parents—until Amy
corner. He and Peggy had and Marcie had become
just had another fight. He almost as hard to live
was so sick of it and so with as Peggy. Daddy’s
unhappy. He thought about little girls were turning
getting in his pickup and into demanding,
driving away once and for ungrateful teenagers.
all. But then he thought of
14-year-old Amy and 16-
year-old Marcie. Bob was not one
Bob worked hard— to analyze his
sometimes 60 hours a
week. He had built the feelings. But now
house they lived in, as well he could ignore
as the barn for the purebred them no longer.
quarterhorses they raised.
He had tried to give Peggy
and the girls a comfortable, Bob was not one to
trouble-free life. But Peggy analyze his feelings. He had
had become distant and always pushed them aside
unappreciative of what he so he could concentrate on
was trying to do. When the work that had to be
they tried to talk, it was like done. But now he could
they were speaking two ignore them no longer. “Is
2

this all marriage amounts the dryer needed repair, and
to,” he wondered, “being the window in the basement
lonely and angry and was still broken.
frustrated and disappointed?
I feel so empty.”
Sandy and Dave had Sandy felt trapped
been married less than and miserable. She
10 years, and she was
exhausted. Dave had gone never imagined it
from job to job, never would be like this!
quite finding “people who
appreciate what I have to
offer.” He had wanted a Her parents helped some,
family right away, and but Sandy hated to ask for
Sandy just learned that more unless it was really
number three was on the necessary. If Dave would
way. The news scrambled only keep his promise to find
her emotions. She would a regular job and develop
love to have another financial responsibility. Oh,
child—but not now. They she had talked to him. And
just couldn’t afford it. he had made such sincere
It had been too easy promises—promises that
for Dave to buy things he he just never kept.
wanted for himself—after Now another baby was
they had purchased a little on the way. Sandy felt
too much house and a little trapped and miserable. Ten
too much car. Sandy was years ago when she stood
working as much as she at the altar and exchanged
could, but the more she vows with Dave, she never
earned the more Dave spent. imagined it would be like
He seldom mowed the lawn, this!
3

A VISION Dad, and they don’t want
RENEWED it to happen to them.
But marriages don’t

B
oth Bob and Sandy have to turn out that
feel angry, hurt, way. In spite of divorce
and betrayed. statistics, and in spite of
This was not what they the additional number of
had anticipated. The unhappy relationships that
honeymoon didn’t last remain intact, marriage still
nearly as long as they had offers a “made in heaven”
dreamed it would. The opportunity to discover the
promise of happiness and real meaning and richness
security and intimacy and of love.
mutual care is fading away True, it will take a
in the hard realities of their lot of work. But so does
marriages. everything worthwhile.
They are not alone. True, we’ll have to
Their feelings are duplicated make sacrifices. But what
in marriage after marriage. we receive in personal
And divorce rates would be dividends from a healthy
even higher if so many relationship far outweigh
young people were not the losses.
choosing to just live True, current odds
together. may be against it. But
In addition, 50 percent if we follow a few basic
of all young adults today principles, the odds change
grew up in homes that went dramatically in our favor.
through the sad, bitter, True, it’s a big
sometimes violent process responsibility, especially
of a marriage breakup. They when children come along.
saw what it did to Mom and But with that responsibility
4

comes the authority We need to see husbands
and help of God to turn and wives filled with
that responsibility into gratitude for being treasured
satisfying results. in spite of all of their flaws
True, there are other and imperfections. We need
ways to satisfy the pangs to see the possibilities of
of loneliness and feelings of two mature people who
discontent. Our generation love each other deeply, not
is infatuated with “love because of what they don’t
triangles,” “office affairs,” know, but because they
and the illusion of “safe
sex.” But who on his
deathbed will say he’s glad We need a vision
he had the chance to enjoy
sexual intimacy outside of
of our marriages
marriage? not as they are, but
True, it may seem that as they could be.
the best idea is to get out of
a bad marriage before the
bitterness and anger have learned the meaning
destroys you. But many of a love and a forgiveness
hurting people have already that endures. We need a
discovered that as terrible vision of husbands who, in
as a loveless marriage is, spite of children and tight
an anger-filled divorce can’t finances, will find ways to
put it all behind you. date their wives as they did
We need to see the before marriage. We need a
possibilities of people vision of people touching
who will put as much into and talking and embracing
marriage as they did into until parted only by death
their dating relationship. itself.
5

FOUR PHASES provides a testing ground
OF A GOOD of faith—a laboratory
of the heart that has
MARRIAGE promise not only for

S
o, what’s in it for me?” this life but for the life
It’s a question worth to come.
asking about People change,
marriage, and not without situations differ, and
reason. Just what is the dreams are shattered. But
promise of marriage? the same God who made
• To the high school girl, marriage made it to endure
it’s her wedding day, the disappointments and
a white gown, four predictable seasons of
beautiful bridesmaids, life that mark all good
candles, flowers, and a relationships. God can
friend-filled reception. help us grow through the
• To the newlyweds, cycles of (1) expectation,
it’s shared vows, (2) covenant making,
intimacy, friendship, (3) disillusionment, and
and adventure. (4) growing fulfillment, which
• To the couple married we will be considering in the
15 years, it’s children, remainder of this booklet.
companionship, and Keep in mind, however,
building. that the issue is not just
• To those married 35 what our Lord says about
years, it’s watching marriage. Solutions are found
grandchildren grow, the by discovering what He has
first signs of aging, and said about basic issues of
slowing down. faith and character and then
• To those who value God applying those perspectives
above all else, marriage to the seasons of marriage.
6

EXPECTATION • The need for affection
and sexual intimacy.
• The need for
companionship.
• The need for family.
• The need for
conversation.
• The need for financial
security.
• The need for social
acceptance.
• The need to leave home.
“What can I expect to get Many of these
out of marriage? What’s the expectations reflect
payoff? My hopes are high reasonable and even
and my dreams are bright. God-given desires. The
But will they be realized?” problem comes, however,
Let’s take a look at when we pursue these
some of the more common desires with shortsighted
expectations people have strategies and motives.
for marriage today. Then we Many enter into marriage
will turn to the Bible to see expecting it to solve their
what God expects of this problems. A daughter who
relationship. cannot any longer tolerate
Our Expectations. the anger and coldness of
Our society, both religious her father or the criticism of
and secular, has established her step-mother may get
expectations for the married merely to get out of
marriage relationship: the house. A son who feels
1. Marriage will meet that he isn’t respected by his
my needs. parents may see marriage as
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a way of finding some of be content to live in the
the personal affirmation he parsonage next door to
longs for. Yet all too often the church, who could live
those who enter into thriftily on a tight budget,
marriage to solve their who would produce two
problems end up in the children on schedule
humiliation of a divorce (preferably a boy and a girl),
court saying, “She [or he] and who would always be
just isn’t meeting my needs, upbeat and happy.
your honor.” It wasn’t long into his
Why don’t couples see marriage before the trouble
this coming? Part of the began. Becky was sometimes
answer is that many of moody and sad. She wanted
them assume that . . . a little money to spend
2. Marriage will without having to account
change him/her. Many to him for every penny. She
enter marriage with a hated speaking to any group.
predetermined idea of what The first baby didn’t come
they want their partner to on schedule, and she was
become. They may disclose often ill. The more John
it a little before the wedding, pushed Becky to fill his
but it becomes all too expectations, the more she
obvious soon enough. withdrew. She simply could
John, a student in seminary, not fit his ideal, no matter
was looking for his concept how much he pressured her.
of an ideal pastor’s wife. He To avoid such
wanted a woman who would mistakes, some people try
be an excellent hostess, who the opposite approach.
would promote him in every 3. Marriage can be as
way, who could speak to free as we let it be. Some
women’s groups, who would enter marriage with another,
8

more subtle expectation. 1. Marriage will enable
They are generous in us to serve someone else’s
offering their partner a needs. In writing his New
great deal of latitude and Testament letter to the
freedom—more than the Corinthians, the apostle
partner is comfortable with. Paul made it clear that those
But at a high price. They who are married can expect
want even more freedom not only the joys of the
for themselves. In return, relationship but also the
they expect few demands responsibilities that come
to be made on them. It’s a with it (1 Cor. 7:28-35). Paul
live-and-let-live approach. indicated that in committing
“I won’t ask any questions, themselves to one another,
and I don’t expect you to husbands and wives actually
ask any either.” must spend much of their
Such attitudes are time working hard to please
quite different from . . . one another (vv.33-34).
God’s Expectations. In one sense, Paul said
The Bible shows that God’s that such a relationship,
expectations for marriage while not wrong (v.28),
are apt to be different from actually limits the amount of
our own. When God said, time that a person can spend
“It is not good for man to in undistracted service to the
be alone,” and when He Lord. Paul must have been
created Eve as an answer very aware that much of
to that aloneness, He did what he accomplished as a
more than just make a traveling ambassador for
provision for man’s needs. Christ could not have been
The rest of the Bible shows accomplished if he had the
that God has the following responsibilities and cares of
expectations for marriage. a wife, home, and family. For
9

all of its joys, marriage has what kind of a heart God
responsibilities that limit our can enable us to have if we
freedom to serve God in an do our part in bringing out
unencumbered way. Our the best in our mate.
Lord knows that when we Marriage by its very
marry, we are choosing to nature demands our own
serve Him by serving the spiritual growth. For us to
needs of our partner. Over live with and love someone
time, we even have to learn else “for better for worse, for
how to keep the marital richer for poorer, in sickness
commitment from rivaling
our commitment to, and
dependence on, the Lord. More than any
That brings us to a other relationship,
second expectation.
While we might enter
marriage will
into marriage hoping to expose our hearts
change our partner, God’s and demand our
expectation is that . . .
2. Marriage will
growth.
change us for the better.
Scripture doesn’t tell us to and in health” requires that
make sure our life-partner we learn to put his or her
loves, respects, and gives us interests ahead of our own.
all the affectional, financial, Such love is a general
and physical satisfaction we biblical principle (Phil. 2:1-
long for. The Bible never 4), but the closeness and
promises that God will make responsibilities of marriage
our mates into the kind of give us an ideal setting to
people we pray they will help us learn the real
be. It does tell us, however, meaning of love.
10

By its very nature, moral courage, true humility,
marriage demands incredible patience, and
commitment, risk, and tender understanding God
unselfish investment. For a can give in marriage. People
couple to achieve the unity will not see manipulative or
and love and loyalty and fearful compliance that so
blessing God expects, they often marks marriage. They
must take giant strides of will see honest caring and
personal growth. They must friendship.
learn how and when to This kind of love requires
abandon personal rights so us to focus not primarily on
they can experience the our mate’s faults but on our
richness that comes when own motives and actions.
the true needs of others (not Such love, however, does
the selfish demands) are put not give us permission to
before their own desires. assume, “If I don’t demand
As a husband and wife anything of you, then you
learn to love in this way, won’t demand anything of
they become a window me.” God’s expectation is
through which others can that in the most intimate
see the kingdom of God at and interdependent way . . .
work. As they surrender 3. Marriage will place
themselves to the Spirit and us under the mutual spirit
rule of God, they become of love. The Bible makes it
exhibits of the kind of clear that when a man and
spirituality that God woman join in marriage,
designed marriage to they become one. And the
produce. Friends, children, controlling factor of their
and extended family are oneness is their mutual
given a chance to see the commitment to care for one
kind of faithful love, honesty, another’s well-being for as
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long as they both live. partner. As our God shows
This commitment to love us by His own example,
means that we must always love is tough when
be looking for positive ways circumstances call for it.
to bring out the best in our The most significant
mates. It also means that of God’s expectations for
after dealing with our own marriage, however, seems
faults and sins (Mt. 7:1-5), to be reflected in His intent
we will find timely and that . . .
sensitive ways to discourage 4. Marriage will
significant faults in one be a picture of Christ’s
another. Proverbs 27:6 relationship to the
reminds us that to be church. God’s expectation
faithful, a friend must is that husbands and wives
sometimes say things that will develop an enduring
will be painful to hear. love by keeping their eyes
The Bible does not give on the “marriage” between
permission to nag, harp, Christ and His church
or harshly criticize one (2 Cor. 11:2; Eph. 5:22-33).
another. Proverbs says that After urging both husbands
it is better to live on the roof and wives to see their
than in a big house with a distinct roles defined by
brawling or contentious the relationship between
woman (21:9). But with love Christ and the church, the
comes the responsibility to apostle Paul wrote:
do everything possible to We are members of His
bring out the best in a mate body, of His flesh and of
rather than the worst. Love His bones. For this reason
will not let us indulge the a man shall leave his
immorality or support the father and mother and be
destructive addictions of our joined to his wife, and the
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two shall become one the background. The
flesh. This is a great attendants are standing in
mystery, but I speak place. The father has said,
concerning Christ and the “Her mother and I.” The
church (Eph. 5:30-32). soloist has just finished.
These expectations of The audience is silent. The
God offer great promise for minister speaks. “Please join
a new or restored marriage. hands and repeat after me. I,
They are expectations that James, take you, Susan . . .”
lift us above ourselves, and Expectation moves
call from us the kind of love into reality through the
that has its source in God. exchanging of vows. The
These expectations form man and woman make
a basis for the covenant that solemn promises before
is at the heart of marriage. God, family, and friends
that they will “love, honor,
COVENANT and cherish” one another
until “death us do part.”
By repeating vows and
signing the license, a man
and woman enter into a
covenant relationship that
embodies all that God
intended for marriage.
Exchanged vows also
anticipate those times of
married life that are always
more than we bargained for.
The relatives and friends are The covenant anticipates
seated. The organ is playing those experiences of life in
softly while candles flicker in which marriage, with its
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unexpected twists and said, “For this reason a
turns, reaches deeper, man shall leave his father
becomes more absorbing, and mother and be joined
and pulls more out of us to his wife, and the two
than we ever anticipated. shall become one flesh”?
“Worse,” “poorer,” and So then, they are no
“sickness,” do happen. And longer two but one flesh.
when they do, we can go Therefore what God has
back again and again to the joined together, let not
promises we made to one man separate (Mt. 19:4-6).
another. Understanding “But what about divorce?”
what the Lord intended someone asked the Lord.
those vows to mean—at a “Isn’t that always an option?
depth we could not have Can’t I keep a back door
anticipated when we made open just in case it doesn’t
them—will help us over and work out?” Jesus replied:
over again as we experience Moses, because of the
all that marriage is. hardness of your hearts,
A Lifetime permitted you to divorce
Commitment. When a your wives, but from the
man and woman say, “I do,” beginning it was not so.
they are vowing to each And I say to you, whoever
other before the Lord that divorces his wife, except
they will stay together until for sexual immorality, and
one of them dies. The Lord marries another, commits
Jesus clearly taught what adultery; and whoever
God expected when He said: marries her who is
Have you not read that divorced commits
He who made them at the adultery (Mt. 19:8-9).
beginning “made them The marriage vow is the
male and female,” and verbal expression of a
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lifelong commitment made life. Such a covenant allows
in the mind and heart. That’s husband and wife to give one
God’s design. The richest another the gift of a vowed
fulfillment of the promise of love—a lifetime promise—
marriage is anchored in that that will carry them through
concept. When we say in the physical illness and divergent
vow, “from this day forward,” interests and job pressures
we mean a lifetime. This and problems with teenagers
promise is not made to be and unbelievable stress
broken (Eccl. 5:4). in the relationship. So
complex—yet so simple.
“I made a promise, and with
The marriage the help of God I intend to
keep it. I’m a person of my
vow is the verbal word. I’m in this for life.”
expression of a A Shared Identity. In
lifelong commitment the fulfillment of the marital
covenant, two become one.
made in the mind The man no longer lives
and heart. only for himself, nor the
woman only for herself. A
new unity, a new diversity,
“How limiting!” a new family is established.
some might say. Yes, such Both remain distinct
commitment is limiting. But persons. Yet, from the Bible’s
it also sets a man or woman point of view, two now share
free to concentrate on the a mystery of oneness. The
task of living out and apostle Paul wrote:
adjusting and improving a So husbands ought to love
loving relationship through their own wives as their
the sincere give-and-take of own bodies; he who loves
15

his wife loves himself. For • When she is struggling
no one ever hated his own through the first trimester
flesh, but nourishes and of a difficult pregnancy.
cherishes it, just as the • When he is told that his
Lord does the church. For job has been phased out
we are members of His and she gets a promotion.
body, of His flesh and • When she contracts MS
of His bones. “For this or he hears the words,
reason a man shall leave “I’m sorry, but the cancer
his father and mother is inoperable.”
and be joined to his wife, • When he must devote a
and the two shall become lot of time and energy to
one flesh.” This is a caring for his aged
great mystery, but I speak parents.
concerning Christ and the • When their youngest
church (Eph. 5:28-32). child walks down the
As the church is united to aisle to say her marriage
Christ, so woman and man vows.
become one. They walk up Yes, the man and woman
the aisle a diversity—a man are one. These two unique
and woman apart. They people have promised to
come back down the aisle as walk the pathway of life
one flesh—a shared identity. together as one in a new,
Different backgrounds, shared identity.
different families, different An Exclusive
educations, different hurts, Relationship. The
different habits—yet now, in covenant relationship the
covenant, they are one . . . man and woman enter when
• When he is stationed in they say their vows calls for
the Middle East and she total faithfulness. Husband
must stay in New Jersey. and wife are to love and be
16

true to and cherish each And Paul named adultery
other—exclusively! The man first in his list of the sins
is to be true to his wife and of the flesh (Gal. 5:19).
she to him. The Bible gives
no ground on this point.
Can a man take fire to his The man is to
bosom, and his clothes be true to his wife
not be burned? Can one and she to him.
walk on hot coals, and
his feet not be seared? So The Bible gives
is he who goes in to his no ground on
neighbor’s wife; whoever this point.
touches her shall not be
innocent (Prov. 6:27-29).
Current social practices “I pledge you my
notwithstanding, the faithfulness.” About these
covenant of marriage is words, Mike Mason wrote,
with one person only. “This is how we must love
Paul told Titus to have the one another, with a vowed
older women of the church love that is not dependent
at Crete teach the younger on happiness nor any of
women “to love their the external hallmarks of
husbands, to love their success. Where is such love
children, to be discreet, to begin if it does not begin
chaste” (Ti. 2:4-5). with the one closest to us,
The seventh the life partner whom we
commandment given at have chosen out of all the
Sinai is, “You shall not other people in the world as
commit adultery” (Ex. the apple of our eye?” (The
20:14). Jesus repeated this Mystery Of Marriage, p.106).
commandment (Mt. 19:18). From this commitment
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onward, the man and DISILLUSIONMENT
woman are expected to
be true to each other. This
is God’s expectation for
marriage. And if they follow
it, they will experience the
wonderful promise of
marriage. Because of this . . .
• We will concentrate our
love on our mate.
• We will not be disloyal,
even in little matters.
• We will not initiate nor It might begin as early
encourage flirtations. as the honeymoon. The
• We will flee temptation. suspicion, the shadow that
Oh, we will be tested. might already have been
From within our own cast on the back edge of
deceitful hearts, and from his or her thinking or
outside, will come urges emotions. A little smudge
to ignore that vow. The has appeared on her halo;
promise of marriage is a little tarnish on his suit
built on a covenant, on of shining armor.
the integrity of our word She ignores it. But it
still being intact when one keeps coming back. He’s not
of us is called home. the gentle man she thought
Only by remaining true he was. He forgets about
to our word, and only by a her feelings. She makes
deep desire to trust God’s plans without consulting
plan, can we weather the him. He makes financial
next important phase of commitments without
marriage . . . telling her. She ends their
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arguments without discover that disillusionment
resolution. keeps on coming. It appears
Meanwhile, she’s during the first months of
disturbed by the thoughts the pregnancy, while their
she’s having. She has children are small, in career
become preoccupied changes, when their children
with his shortcomings. She reach the teens, during their
remembers how good it felt late 40s and middle 50s, and
as a single to be able to if the Lord gives them good
make her own decisions health, into their 70s and
and spend her money on 80s.
whatever she wanted. The This is how it is with a
more time goes by, the more man and woman. Neither
unhappy and disillusioned can be God to the other.
she becomes. Both are inclined toward
Christian counselor their own selfishness. Neither
Norman Wright, in his is always satisfied to find
premarital counseling contentment in God (Phil.
workbook titled Before You 4:11-13). Both struggle with
Say I Do, indicates that every and often give in to a heart
marriage goes through stages that is as sinful as the Bible
of disillusionment. The says (Rom. 7:14-25). And
new husband and wife run nothing exposes the flaws of
headlong into a gap between human nature like marriage.
what they expected of their The Closeness
marriage and how it is Of Marriage. The very
actually turning out. It may intimacy and shared identity
occur on the honeymoon or of the marital relationship
while they are arranging the can cause disillusionment
furniture in their apartment. because that degree of
They work it through, only to closeness exposes our
19

hearts. Unlike business knows she’ll be hurt by
relationships, where the his compulsive spending,
roles are defined to allow but he does it anyway.
for professional “distance,” In the intimacy of
marriage is designed for marriage we show our
oneness. The man and selfishness, our impatience,
woman soon know each our insensitivity, our anger.
other so very well. They We become insulting,
share the pleasure of sex, punitive, wounding. The
the stages of pregnancy and closeness of marriage brings
childbirth, the excitement of it out. It exposes us to our
purchasing a new home, the mate and, perhaps even more
good news of his promotion painfully, to ourselves. We
or her opportunity. They
work through health or
parental or teenage or The closeness of
financial crises together.
They become so close that
marriage shows us
they know how each other what our hearts
feels and what the other are really like.
is thinking.
But this closeness has
a dark side. They know the begin to realize that our mate
best and the worst about is not fulfilling our longings
each other. His inattention for security and affirmation
and absorption with work and contentment. We feel
frustrates her. Her refusal to betrayed. We trusted one
listen and trust his judgment another. Yet in unexpected
angers him. She knows ways marriage has exposed
which words will make him not only the faults of our
angry or humiliate him. He mate but also of ourselves.
20

Wrong Motives For other hand, feels safe
Marriage. All men and when he’s with her.
women, often without After the marriage,
realizing it, enter marriage neither can figure out
for some unhealthy what’s happening. Suddenly
reasons. Oh, they have they find themselves in a
a lot of right reasons—to battle of wills over money.
find companionship, to She has to play the role of
have someone to love and the one who always says
care for, to enter a lifelong no. She’s disappointed in
relationship, to honor the him. She feels the isolation
Lord. But as time goes by, it and pressure of carrying
becomes obvious that even a burden that should be
though “opposites attract,” shared. She married him to
this can become a source be his wife, not his mother.
of frustrating opposition. The marriage is in trouble
Suppose the man knows because he entered into it
he tends to be impulsive. with a wrong motive. Other
He’s never learned to wrong motives a person may
manage money. He makes carry into marriage are:
compulsive purchases that • To get strength to fight
keep him at the edge of an addiction.
financial disaster. So he • To get away from a bad
chooses a marital partner home situation.
who is not only physically • To get protection from a
attractive to him but who domineering parent.
also is a steady, self- • To promote a career.
controlled person. Before • To find much-needed
marriage, she seems to like approval.
his casual and spontaneous • To resolve unhealthy
approach to life. He, on the sexual issues.
21

Sooner or later, these Criticism is a dangerous
underlying motives will show source of disillusionment
up. And when they do, they when it is used to keep
will lead to disillusionment attention off our own faults.
that is also rooted in . . . 2. Anger. Outbursts of
Destructive anger, unchecked and often
Behavior In Marriage. over minor issues, attack
Some of those sinful, the security of the
destructive patterns may be: marriage. Uncontrolled
1. Nagging Criticism. anger is dangerous to any
It is “better to dwell in the relationship. Proverbs 22:24
wilderness, than with a says, “Make no friendship
contentious and angry with an angry man; and with
woman” (Prov. 21:19). a furious man do not go.”
This is also true of a critical Yet, when anger suddenly
husband. Either may be shows up after vows are
motivated by feelings of exchanged, the partner feels
inferiority or a need to divert disillusioned and trapped.
attention from his or her own 3. Self-centeredness.
behavior. (Those addicted to When one spouse always
alcohol are usually extremely has to have it his or her
critical of the spouse who way, the result is contrary
does not drink. They want to to the ways of God
“prove” that they are not the (Phil. 2:1-4). This can be
only one whose behavior is disillusioning to those who
destructive.) thought that marriage would
Such criticism helps us to provide someone who
see why Jesus taught us to would care for them.
first deal with our own sins 4. Irritating Behaviors.
before “helping others” with The apostle Paul wrote that
their problems (Mt. 7:1-5). love “does not behave
22

rudely” (1 Cor. 13:5). So we face it when it appears
when selfish insensitivities may be the most crucial
show up either in public element of our marriage.
or private, a spouse feels
unloved. He or she feels FULFILLMENT
vulnerable, undermined,
disrespected, and
endangered. If our “best
friend” treats us like this,
where can we run from
our enemies?
5. Emotional
Dishonesty. One spouse
may deny his or her
feelings of frustration or
disappointment. The
perceived reason may be not The key question is, “Now
to “hurt” the other person. what? Now that we have
The deeper motive, however, hit this rough spot in our
is to protect oneself from marriage, what are we going
further hurt or conflict. Self- to do about it?” The man’s
protection results in a lack and woman’s commitment
of truth, a lack of love, and to work through and resolve
a growing distance and the issues creating the
coolness that leads to deeper disillusionment is vitally
feelings of hopelessness. important. It can lead to the
Disillusionment appears kind of reconciliation and
in every marriage. It’s acceptance that makes
inevitable. To claim that it marriage worth it for life.
hasn’t or won’t happen to Some of us have known
us is to deny reality. How what it is like to feel the
23

frustration and fear. The an alcoholic father or a
marriage is stuck. It isn’t suicidal mother? Should
growing. Yet we also see I now be surprised that He
that running into the didn’t reach in and stop me
bedroom, slamming the when I drifted into a difficult
door, and staying there for marital relationship?
hours is not working. He’s the One who hasn’t
At this point, we need answered my prayers. He
to realize that all is not lost. hasn’t changed my mate or
There still is hope. In fact, taken away the gnawing
our disillusionment has emptiness inside me.”
actually brought us to the In his book Bold Love,
threshold of the very love Christian counselor Dan
and security we’ve been Allender wrote, “A sexually
looking for. To cross over abused person once told
this threshold of fulfillment, me, ‘When God did not
however, we must . . . intervene to stop the abuser,
Let Our Marital He lost any right to require
Disappointment me to do anything. He owes
Help Us To Face Our me; I owe Him nothing.’ Her
Disappointment With words are stark and brutal,
God. This step won’t be but I believe she represents
easy. After all, God is the the core posture of the heart
One before whom we took that struggles with God.
our vows. He is the One we She simply had the angry
asked to bless our marriage. courage to put words to the
Yet, once again, He is the battle to understand God’s
One who seems to have goodness, His response to
let us down. We may ask, injustice, and the burden of
“Should I be surprised? Isn’t fulfilling the royal law of
He the One who let me have love” (Bold Love, p.70).
24

We may be angry with on the night before His
God because our marriage betrayal and death pled with
is not going as we expected. the Father to deliver Him
We may be holding Him from the suffering He was
accountable or accusing Him about to face. Over and over,
of breaking His promise of the Bible introduces us to
happiness to us. But as we people whose disappointment
struggle, we are at least taking with God bleeds through the
Him seriously. And in our pages of their lives.
struggle we can compare our Yet again and again
experience with the stories of the Bible shows that
other people who have been disillusionment can become
disappointed with God before the doorway to fulfillment. Job
finding fulfillment in Him. lived long enough to see his
The Bible tells about a confidence in God restored
man named Job who felt and deepened (42:1-6).
that God had been unfair to Joseph lived long enough to
him. It tells us about a man say to those family members
named Joseph who was who had harmed him, “You
hated by his brothers, sold meant evil against me; but
into slavery, and then falsely God meant it for good” (Gen.
accused of trying to rape his 50:20). Time after time the
employer’s wife. The Bible children of Israel saw bitter
tells us about a whole nation and frightening experiences
of people who, after being turn into opportunities to
delivered from the slave-yards witness the power and
of Egypt, concluded that goodness of God. Jesus
God had led them out into a endured to the point of saying
barren wilderness to destroy in Gethsemane, “Nevertheless
them. The Bible tells us about not My will, but Yours, be
Jesus, the Son of God, who done” (Lk. 22:42).
25

No one has ever suffered By His own example
the betrayal, aloneness, Christ also helps us . . .
abandonment, and abuse Let Our Relationship
that Christ did in the course With God Become
of His life and death. No Our Source Of Marital
one ever experienced the Fulfillment. Followers of
kind of unfair treatment Christ are in a great position
that He endured when He to face the issues that have
paid the price for our sins. brought disillusionment to
Yet He lived and died and their marriage. Biblical
rose from the dead to counselor Larry Crabb
declare along with Job and wrote, “The difference
Joseph and other godly men between godly and ungodly
and women of Israel, that, people is not that one group
in time, God always shows never hurts and the other
Himself good and powerful group does, or that one
and faithful to those who reports more happiness than
are willing to trust Him to the other. The difference lies
the end. He can do the in what people do with their
same for us in our marriage. hurt. Either they do what
Christ showed us by His comes naturally: use their
own example that we were hurt to justify self-centered
not made to find complete efforts to relieve it, caring
fulfillment or security in any less about how they
human relationship. He affect others and more
showed us that we are made about whether they are
to find our protection and comfortable; or they do what
contentment in God, and comes unnaturally: use their
that only in this realization hurt to better understand
can we be free to love and and encourage others while
submit to one another. they cling desperately to the
26

Lord for promised role as a wife out of the
deliverance, passionately conviction that rightly
determined to do His will” motivated submission
(Men And Women, p.93). is actually a way of
Once we learn that our submitting herself to the
ultimate well-being depends lordship and provision of
on God and not on our Christ (Eph. 5:22-24).
spouse, we will begin to This is not to say,
experience the strength however, that godly
of the Lord. Once a husbands and wives
husband believes that become independent of
his relationship to God is one another. It is important
more important than his that we also . . .
relationship to his wife, he Let Our Dependence
will begin to find a personal On God Become A
sense of significance that Basis For Loving
doesn’t depend on his wife’s Interdependence. A
responses or affirmation. He husband and wife who
will begin to love her out of depend on God—who find
the love that he has found their strength and sufficiency
in Christ (Eph. 5:25). in Him—will not be overly
Once a wife believes dependent on each other.
that her relationship with Nor will they demand an
Christ is more important unhealthy independence
than her relationship to her or domination.
husband, she can begin to God made man and
find a source of security woman as unique, specially
and acceptance that doesn’t gifted beings in His image.
depend on her husband’s Neither of them is to rob
ability to meet her needs. the other of that God-given
She can begin to accept her uniqueness. But when they
27

say, “I do,” they are he deny her their use. He did
choosing to give themselves not try to remake her into
to each other in a lifelong something she was not. We
relationship. can assume that he loved her
The Bible helps us to for the woman God made her
understand how a husband to be. She, in turn, used her
and wife can be one, yet gifts in a way that produced
also be true to the unique harmony and marital
person God made each to success, as well as business
be. God made woman to be success. Scripture gives no
a companion and helper her evidence of her doing
husband can depend on. anything but respecting her
Genesis tells us, “The Lord husband and his gifts as the
God said, ‘It is not good man God made him to be.
that man should be alone; This kind of
I will make him a helper interdependence does not
comparable to him’” (2:18). come easy for a generation
Proverbs 31 describes an that has seen divorce become
initiative-taking, God-gifted epidemic. Yet for those who
woman who did just find their security in the Lord,
that. She entered into an and for those who are rightly
enterprise that her husband motivated, it is possible for
fully supported. wives to accept and trust
There was an the Bible when it says,
interdependent relationship “Wives, submit to your own
between this couple in husbands, as to the Lord. For
Proverbs 31. God gave the the husband is head of the
wife multiple gifts, including wife, as also Christ is head of
good business sense. Her the church” (Eph. 5:22-23).
husband apparently was not The interdependence of
jealous of her gifts, nor did husbands and wives also has
28

implications for their sexual When a man and woman
relationship. The Scriptures marry, they have the right
make it clear that husbands to expect sexual fulfillment
and wives are to protect, from each other:
enjoy, and share mutual Let the husband render to
expectations in the intimacy his wife the affection due
of the marital bed. The her, and likewise also the
sexual dimension of marriage wife to her husband.
is designed by the Lord to The wife does not have
bring continuing pleasure authority over her own
and exhilarating renewal to body, but the husband
the relationship. The wise does. And likewise the
author of Proverbs wrote husband does not have
these words to husbands: authority over his own
Drink water from your body, but the wife does
own cistern, and running (1 Cor. 7:3-4).
water from your own well. If one partner decides to
Should your fountains be abstain for a time, they
dispersed abroad, streams must mutually agree and
of water in the streets? Let keep the time brief:
them be only your own, Do not deprive one
and not for strangers with another except with
you. Let your fountain be consent for a time, that
blessed, and rejoice with you may give yourselves
the wife of your youth. to fasting and prayer; and
As a loving deer and a come together again so
graceful doe, let her that Satan does not tempt
breasts satisfy you at you because of your lack
all times; and always be of self-control (1 Cor. 7:5).
enraptured with her love For such mutual pleasure,
(Prov. 5:15-19). husbands and wives are to
29

depend on one another. than within the context of
When we offer ourselves marriage. Verses 4-8 tell us
to one another in love, God what love does. As you read
Himself is pleased. When these verses, consider how
we fail, the pleasure goes they apply to your marriage.
to Satan. Love suffers long and is
kind; love does not envy;
love does not parade
THE ACTIONS itself, is not puffed up;
OF LOVE does not behave rudely,

L
ove is both a motive and does not seek its own, is
an action. Jesus Christ’s not provoked, thinks no
love for the church led evil; does not rejoice in
to action: His sacrificial death iniquity, but rejoices in
on the cross. It will result in the truth; bears all things,
the wonderful fellowship of believes all things, hopes
heaven (Rev. 19). all things, endures all
Paul told husbands to things. Love never fails.
love their wives (Eph. 5:25). You might want to read
He instructed older women this passage again. Where
to teach the younger women the word love appears, put in
to love their husbands your name. Now ask yourself
(Ti. 2:4). In a marriage if this is how you treat your
where the promise is fading, husband or your wife. This
love translated into action is what it means to love.
can bring the brightness People who experience
back into the promise. the joy of marriage for 20,
This brings us to 40, or 50 years without one
1 Corinthians 13. This “swallowing up” the other
chapter about love has have learned how to work
no greater application through the differences that
30

lead to disillusionment But how do we do
and, perhaps, divorce. They this? One way is to make a
are not merely “married to determined effort to look at
marriage” for the sake of the issue through the other’s
marriage but because eyes. See it from that person’s
it is a fulfilling, rewarding, perspective. In this case, he
adventurous, loving needs to remember her home
relationship for both. life and understand how
They have stayed together insecure she feels when
in part because of a things are out of place. She
mutual willingness to needs to admit that it’s not a
talk, compromise, and work major crime nor a sin to leave
through their differences. a shirt hanging on the back of
Let me illustrate. a chair. Then they both need
Suppose there’s a to change their behavior.
stalemate in a marriage. Say True, it will be hard. In
the woman is a “neat freak” deeper marital issues, such
and the man is kind of as rage or emotional abuse,
sloppy. The differences begin it will seem impossible. But
to drive them apart. She the principles of love are
nags incessantly; he gets a backed by a God who is love
severe case of “selective (1 Jn. 4:7-8), and by a Savior
deafness.” Both withdraw. who fills us with His power.
What would love do? It In some cases, Bible-
would take action. Facing the centered counseling may
problem and overcoming be necessary. That’s okay.
fear, love would initiate the The point is that love takes
kind of communication that action and trusts God to
would lead to resolution, give the promise of marriage
calling constantly on the help to couples who are willing
of our all-sufficient God. to trust Him.
31

THE REALITY the promise of heaven is
BEHIND THE through faith. If you will
acknowledge that you are
PICTURE a sinner and cannot save

M
arriage is a picture yourself (Rom. 3:23; Eph.
of the relationship 2:8-9), and if you will trust
between Christ Jesus Christ as your Savior,
and the church. Jesus called you will become part of His
the church His bride, and bride. He came to earth
the Bible refers to Him as to live the sinless life you
the Bridegroom. The church could not live. He died on
is made up of all who the cross to pay the penalty
believe in Jesus Christ as for your sin. And by His
their Savior. The allegiance, resurrection from the
sacrificial love, and dead, God showed that
faithfulness of the husband His sacrifice had been
and wife is a picture of the accepted, that the penalty
relationship between Christ for sin had been paid in full.
and the church. The promise Your part is to believe.
of their “marriage” will be “For God so loved the world
fulfilled when Jesus returns that He gave His only
for His bride. begotten Son, that whoever
What about you? What believes in Him should not
is your relationship with perish but have everlasting
Jesus Christ? Are you part life” (Jn. 3:16).
of His bride through faith Trust Jesus today. You
in Him? Or will you be will experience the promise
left behind at His coming of a wonderful relationship
because you have never with Christ and can look
trusted in Him? forward to the promise of
The way to experience heaven.
32

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What Is The Promise Of Marriage

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