Tim Ervin part 2

1. Managing
Anger
Part 2
Presented By: Tim Ervin, LCPC
Counseling for Solutions, LLC
Arlington Heights, IL. 60005
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2. Training Topics
What is really behind anger: Triggers and signs
How the brain works
Cognitive distortions
The cycle of acceptance
When is anger considered to be a problem and
how far could it affect general health?
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3. Training Topics
The Johari model
Assertive management and setting realistic boundaries
Problem solving techniques
Using clean language
Fitting in the transactional analysis mode
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4. Training Topics
Acknowledging psychological contracts
Breathing and deep relaxation techniques
Cognitive restructuring techniques
The rational emotive theory
Emotional freedom techniques
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5. Training Topics
Integrated personal development
Humor and energy psychology
When is it healthy to be angry
Glasser’s ‘Choice Theory’
Fisher’s process of personal change
Self-help script for anger management
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6. “Believe it is possible to solve your problems.
Tremendous things happen to the believer.
So believe the answer will come. It will.”
Norman Vincent Peale
American Author
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7. 10. Use Clean Language
Clean Language is a communications
methodology, developed by David J Grove, a
New Zealand 'Counseling Psychologist', during
the 1980s and 1990s.
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8. Use Clean Language
Clean Language offers helpful techniques to all
professional communicators because they are aligned
closely with modern 'enabling' principles of empathy
and understanding, as opposed to traditional
'manipulative‘ methods of influencing or persuading
others and projecting self-interest.
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9. Use Clean Language
Clean Language attempts to enable our thinking
(or more particularly the other person's thinking if
viewed from the questioner's viewpoint) to be as
pure and clear as possible so that clarity of
awareness, understanding, decision-making and
human relations are optimized.
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10. Clean Language Principles
You are advised to do the following:
Listen very attentively
Keep your opinions and advice to yourself when
possible
Ask questions to explore a person's metaphors (or
everyday statements).
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11. Clean Language Principles
Ask questions about the positive aspects of a
person's experience.
Ask about the things that the person wants
(more of).
Focus on the positives.
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12. Clean Language Examples
1. What outcome would you like to have?
(Establishing a desired outcome.)
2. What would a convenient resolution be (for that
desired outcome to happen, checking the conditions
needed)
3. Can this resolution, happen? (Checking that the
communication partners have confidence that it can
be achieved.)
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13. “Never talk defeat. Use words like hope, belief,
faith, victory.”
Norman Vincent Peale
American Author
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14. 11. Fit into the Transactional
Analysis Mode
This is Eric Berne’s theory that verbal
communication, particularly face to face, is at
the centre of human social relationships and
psychoanalysis.
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15. Transactional Analysis
Berne also said that each person is made up of
three symbolic alter ego states:
The “Parent” is our 'Taught' concept of life
The “Adult” is our 'Thought' concept of life
The “Child” is our 'Felt' concept of life
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16. Transactional Analysis
The “Parent”: Nurturing (positive), Spoiling
(negative), Controlling (positive) and Critical
(negative).
 The “Adult”: when you use an attentive,
interested, nonthreatening tone.
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17. Transactional Analysis
The “Child”: Co-operative (positive), Compliant/Resistant (negative).
Spontaneous (positive) and Immature (negative).
To ease tension, you need to use complementary tones as such:
Parent- Child : Child-Parent
Parent – Adult : Adult - Parent
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18. Transactional Analysis
Or Idealistically: Adult – Adult
If a Parent Versus Parent or Child versus Child transactions occur, there is
a reason for anger to surge where most probably either or both parties
will be upset.
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19. 12. Acknowledge Psychological Contracts
These are unwritten commitments between two
parties in a relationship (work, marriage, friendship,
family, etc.). Parts of the expectations are spelled out
or discussed and seem to be clear but unexplored
areas of this contract could result in outrage or
suppressed anger.
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21. Acknowledge Psychological Contracts
The iceberg tends to rise with maturity and length of
service, increasing depth, visibility and clarity of the
contract which is good for both sides.
Internal factors – each side is mostly blind to the
internal factors on the other side.
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22. 13. Avoiding
Avoiding is a conflict resolution technique. It’s
when somebody is not willing to engage in an
argument. Other forms could be retreating or
postponing a decision on a problem. It’s rarely the
best choice for solving problems.
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23. 14. Smoothing
Smoothing or accommodating is a
conflict resolution technique where a
person lays weight primarily on areas
of agreement; “Let’s cool down and
get the mission done”.
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24. 15. Compromising
Compromising is a conflict resolution
technique that results in pleasing both sides
by practically taking a midway solution.
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25. 16. Forcing
Forcing is a conflict resolution technique often
used in crises, when and if you have the
required authority. You enforce a particular
resolution to the problem, whether
counterparts agree or not.
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26. 17. Collaboration
Collaborating is a conflict resolution technique
where a person can jug up several ideas and
knit out a whole new idea to resolve the
problem. This form of resolution requires
creativity and good networking with people
involved in the situation.
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27. 18. Confronting
Conflict resolution could also require confronting
or problem solving. Professor Richard Nelson-Jones’
procedure called this CUDSAIR. This stands for:
Confront, Understand, Define, Search, Agree, I
mplement and Review to make sure anger will
not resurface.
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28. 19. Focus on the Present
Get your feet on the ground and be solutionoriented by focusing on the present. Bringing
pains from the past or fears from the future can
be distracting and overwhelming to you and
others.
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30. 20. Choose Your Battles
Conflicts can be draining to your time and energy.
So it’s important to consider whether the issue is
really worth your attention. If you pick your battles
rather than fighting over every little thing, others
will take you more seriously when you are upset.
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31. 21. Be Willing to Forgive
It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave
exactly as you want at all times. Think of
forgiveness as releasing yourself from the bitter
and painful feelings that consume your positive
energy. Think of yourself as strong and capable of
lightly bearing with people’s weaknesses.
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32. “Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness
forces you to grow beyond what you were.”
Cherie Carter- Scott
Human Development Pioneer
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33. 22. Know When to Let Something Go
When you are unable to come to an
agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two
people to keep a fight going on. If the
discussion is going nowhere, you can choose to
disengage and move on.
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34. 23. Perform a Reality Check
When you start getting upset about something, pause for a second to think
about the situation. Ask yourself:
What am I really angry about?
Does this issue influence other important factors in my life?
 Is it really worth getting angry about?
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35. Perform a Reality Check
Is it worth ruining the rest of my day?
What is the most effective response to this
situation?
Is there anything I can do about it?
Is taking action worth my time?
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36. “It is your conviction which compels you;
that is, choice compels choice.”
Epictetus
Greek Philosopher
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37. 24. Set Realistic Tolerance Boundaries
Look at the way you think. Talk to people
around you about your expectations and lifestandards that you wish to compromise. See if
your feet are on the ground and make sure you
are not asking for more than what you can get.
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38. 25. Run Away When Necessary
If you note any ‘Communication Blockers’
discontinue the dialogue and retreat -physicallyimmediately. Taking into consideration that you
will re-tackle the problem again when the air gets
cleared.
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39. Run Away When Necessary
Avoid people, places, and situations that bring out
your worst.
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40. 26. Suppressing and Recreating Anger
Suppress your anger and redirect it to come up
with a more constructive behavior.
The trick is if you suppress anger without
redirecting it; because this could intensify
and/or cause passive-aggressive behaviors or
even diseases.
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41. Suppressing and Recreating Anger
Try to turn anger into something positive like many
artists who get their original inspiration from
suppressed feelings. So don’t resist the temptation
of writing a diary, painting, singing, or playing an
instrument. Some are even triggered by anger to
make unique inventions.
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42. 27. Yoga
Non exhausting, slow yoga exercises can relax your
muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them
automatically when you're in a tense situation.
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43. 28. Breathe
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing
and relaxing imagery, can help calm down
angry feelings. Breathe deeply, from your
diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't
relax you. Picture your breath coming up from
your "gut."
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44. Breathe
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “I
am okay”, “relax”, “take it easy”… Repeat these
to yourself while breathing deeply.
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45. Breathe
Try the 4 – 2 – 8 Breathing Exercise:
Count till 4: Deep, slow breath in (inhale)
Count till 2: While holding your breath
Exhale Slowly: Counting till 8
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46. 29. Exercise
Physical activity stimulates various brain
chemicals that can leave you feeling happier
and more relaxed than you were before you
worked out.
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47. 30. Relaxation Exercises
Relaxation exercises are mood corrective
techniques to ease off some latent steam.
These exercises can also be practiced as a
preventive technique.
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48. Relaxation Exercises
Stretch or massage areas of tension. Roll your
shoulders if you are tensing them, or gently
massage your neck and scalp.
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