Adding details can improve your writing.

1. Expanding Your Ideas
with
Details, Details,
Details
Does your writing teacher keep hounding you to use
the “E’s”? Is she always telling you to give
examples, evidence or to explain? Read on!

2. Why Are Details So Important?
Let’s say you ask a friend for directions to his
house. Here are two versions of his answer:
Version 1: Go to the light, turn left, drive up the road a bit, then take another left
at the store. My house is the big one on the right hand side of the road.
Version 2: From here, turn right out of the parking lot and head east on 185th –
that’s as if you’re heading toward the elementary school. At the first
light, take a left onto Maple Street. If you pass the espresso stand shaped
like a giant cup of coffee, you’re going the right way. Stay on Maple for
another two miles; the road jogs around to the right, but stay on it. Look for
the large sporting goods store – it’s called Biff’s Outdoors – on the left. The
road off to the left JUST past Biff’s is 153rd – that’s my street. Turn left there.
My house is the third one on the right – it’s blue with white trim and you’ll see
my Mom’s red Jeep parked outside.

3. Why Are Details So Important?
Which set of directions is more likely to get you where
you need to go? Version Two, of course!
The difference is in the details.
Sure, Version One gives us the facts, but it also misses
some very important details; we could easily turn on the
wrong street using #1. The second set of directions
helps create a picture in the reader’s mind, giving
specific and helpful details, such as street names and
landmarks.
An essay is the same. A writer can write a bare-bones
list of main ideas, but how boring. The purpose of
writing is to communicate, but you’re not
communicating if you put your reader to sleep.

4. But how do I add more? I never
seem to write enough to please my
teacher?
One of the biggest mistakes students make when told to
add more detail is simply to repeat the same vague idea.
Example: My friends are really important to me. They help
support me in bad times. [Add details]
Addition: When my life takes a turn for the worse, I can count
on my friends to be there, through thick of thin. [Not any
better]
See the next slide for the improved version.
[Note: Please don’t really write the “Friendship” essay. English teachers get
these every year; they all sound the same: clichéd, repetitious and trite.
Sorry – it’s the truth.]

5. But how do I add more? I never
seem to write enough to please my
teacher?
Second Try
Example: My friends are really important to me. They help support me in bad
times. [Add details]
Revision/Addition: I don’t know what I’d do without my friends to help support
me in difficult times. Take my buddy Jared. On the day I found out that I
didn’t make the basketball team, I just sat on the couch, slumped over with
self-pity and doubting my abilities to do anything right. Jared zipped over in
that little green Datsun of his, making all sorts of noise because his muffler’s
bad. Despite my protests, he dragged me out of the house to an all-ages
show. The music was loud and raw – just what I needed to forget the
disappointment of that afternoon.
While the first attempt to add details resulted in just a bland repetition of
the same boring blather, the above rewrite comes to life with a SPECIFIC
example. See the difference?

6. When I say specific, I mean . .
.
a) Use names
b) Use sensory details (the five senses)
c) Use dialogue (actual quotes of what people said)
d) Give anecdotes (real stories to illustrate a point)
e) Provide interesting, quirky details that add realism
(the muffler is an example)

7. When I say specific, I mean . .
.
a) Use names
Poor Example: After school, my friend is coming over
and we’re heading to the store to try out some new
computer games.
Better: After school, my friend Lenora is coming over
and we’re heading to GamePro to try out the new
versions of Halo 18 and Super Extreme Mario Plus
Plus.

8. When I say specific, I mean . .
.
b) Use sensory details
Sensory details are details that appeals to one or more of
the FIVE SENSES: sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. These
help put your reader in the scene.
Poor Example: The day was perfect!
Better: The sun gently warmed our backs and a
comfortable breeze swayed through the leaves of the
birch trees. Across the rich green lawn, lavender
blossoms scented the air with their perfume.

9. When I say specific, I mean . .
.
c) Use dialogue
Poor Example: My brother said that he was really angry
but I just turned it into a joke, which made him even
angrier.
Better: “You jerk!” my brother Brian yelled. “I can’t
believe you borrowed my knee-high socks without
asking! This is the last straw.”
“Brian,” I responded calmly, “I promise never to
borrow your straw without asking you.”
“Stuff it, you butthead!” he retorted and stormed out
of the room.

10. When I say specific, I mean . .
.
d) Give anecdotes
Anecdotes are short illustrative stories.
Poor Example: My sixth grade was pretty crazy.
Better: My sixth grade teacher was pretty crazy. For
example, he used to run around the room having foot
races with his invisible friends, Homer and Henrietta –
and they would win. Legend had it that once he
jumped off a desk in order to fly and broke his arm.

11. When I say specific, I mean . .
.
e) Provide quirky, interesting details
that add realism
Poor Example: Mrs. Blanders surprised the whole class by
flinging open the door. She waved her arms excitedly and
motioned her head toward the hallway, where we could barely
see a commotion rising.
Better: Mrs. Blanders surprised the whole Anatomy and
Physiology class by flinging open the heavy wooden door. She
waved her lanky arms excitedly and motioned her heavy blonde
beehive toward the locker-lined hallway, where we could barely
see a commotion rising.

12. What if I’m writing a formal
paper?
The principle is the same with formal papers. Just be
specific. Here’s an example:
Just the facts ma’am: However, the Declaration of Independence did not mean freedom
for all. [Teacher comment: explain, add detail!]
Details added: Our forefathers were very proud of their work; they bravely declared their
independence - the words of freedom ringing in their ears. After eight years of war,
that freedom was finally recognized. But not everyone in America had their
independence – not by a long shot. Look at history. What was the Fourth of July to
African-Americans, first enslaved and then discriminated against; to Native
Americans, relocated and watching while the plentiful land was stripped; to women,
fighting for equal rights and recognition; to Japanese-Americans, thrown in
internment camps because of distrust; or to the countless others who have lived in
this country, under the Declaration of Independence only to be denied its freedoms?
What did they have to celebrate?

13. What if I’m writing a formal
paper?
Your details provide evidence to prove what you
claim. If you write, “More teens in America are
smoking than ever before,” how do I know you’re
telling the truth and not just making it up?
If in a literary paper you conclude, “The character
of John is riddled with guilt over his wife’s death;
this guilt carries over into all aspects of his life,
crippling his ability to function as a normal human
being,” you must provide evidence from the text to
back up this interpretation.

14. What if I’m writing a formal
paper?
If you state “The Red Cross provides a myriad of
services vital to persons all over the world,” you
darn well better give some examples to illustrate
this point. If your writing were a question and
answer piece, what you someone ask you?
– What types of services? Can you list a few?
– What countries do they serve?
– Why is it vital?
Your job as a writer is to anticipate and answer these
unspoken questions.

15. What if I’m writing a formal
paper?
Basically, it all boils down to providing evidence for your
claim.
A claim is like a lawyer saying “Your honor, my client is
innocent.” Obviously a lawyer’s job doesn’t end there.
It’s his or her job to PROVE his claim with EVIDENCE.
That’s exactly what your need to do as a writer. All of
the previous examples simply needed EVIDENCE –
those are the specific details.

16. More ideas for formal papers
Use EVIDENCE such as:
a) Facts
b) Statistics
c) Quotes from authority
d) Anecdotes or hypothetical examples
e) Analogies (comparisons)

17. Use EVIDENCE such as:
a)Facts
Poor Example: Smoking is an unhealthy habit.
Better: Studies show that smokers get sick more
often than non-smokers (Martin).

18. Use EVIDENCE such as:
b) Statistics
Poor Example: Despite anti-smoking
education, everyday many, many teens take
up smoking.
Better: Despite anti-smoking
education, approximately 3,000 teens take up
smoking everyday (Martin).

19. Use EVIDENCE such as:
c) Quotes from authority
Poor Example: Doctors agree that smoking is a
serious health risk.
Better: Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop
warned Americans that, “Cigarette smoking is
clearly identified as the chief, preventable
cause of death in our society."

20. Use EVIDENCE such as:
d) Anecdotes or hypothetical examples
Poor Example: Many young children are influenced by what teens
do.
Better: Imagine an elementary kid – we’ll call him Billy – with a
teenage brother who smokes. Because Billy is young and
desperate to “grow up” and have the freedoms of his brother,
he transfers most of his brother’s habits, behaviors and
possessions into some vague notion of being “cool.” So
naturally, when Billy spies on his brother and other older
friends smoking, Billy thinks this is must be a very “cool”
activity.

21. Use EVIDENCE such as:
e) Analogies
Analogies are comparisons between two unlike things that
share some similarities. Metaphors and similes are forms
of analogies.
Poor Example: Some people think that cigars, pipe
tobacco or low-tar cigarettes are safe alternative to
cigarette smoking.
Better: Some people think that cigars, pipe tobacco or
low-tar cigarettes are safe alternative to cigarette
smoking. This is akin to playing in traffic with a safety
vest on. You’re still playing in traffic – the activity
itself is dangerous, no matter how you try to justify it.

22. Final Note
Remember the house directions from the beginning.
What make writing interesting, understandable and
memorable? Yes, it’s the DETAILS.
Whenever you don’t know what to say, write down
some questions a reader might have on the side of
your draft. If that fails, ask a friend to come up
with some questions. Once you answer these
questions by adding details to the text, I can
guarantee you’ll have a stronger paper!

23. Work Cited
Martin, Terry. “Smoking Facts for Parents and
Teens.” Smoking Cessation. About.com, 15
Jan. 2008. <http://quitsmoking.about.com/
od/teensmoking/a/teensmokefacts.htm>.