The document provides over 100 signs that someone might be rural, including if neighbors refer to your home by the name of who lived there decades ago, if you pay more attention to the weather than clocks or forecasts, and if your 4th grade teacher, church deacon, uncle, and neighbor are all the same person. It suggests that someone might be rural if they live outside major metro areas like Washington D.C. or if they travel long distances for basic needs like healthcare, groceries or clothing. The document humorously portrays aspects of rural life through short anecdotes and observations.
1. YOU might be RURAL if….
the neighbors refer to your
home as “John’s old place”
because that’s who lived
there 40 years ago
2. YOU might be RURAL if….
you pay more attention to the
clouds, sun, moon, rain, wind,
and snow than you do to the
clock or weather forecast
3. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’ve hidden
your accent
during a job interview
4. YOU might be RURAL if….
you live outside
The Beltway
5. YOU might be RURAL if….
your 4th grade teacher,
your church deacon,
your uncle, your neighbor
and the guy in exam room #2
are the same person
6. YOU might be RURAL if….
you remember when the first
national chain restaurant
opened in your town
--and when it closed again
7. YOU might be RURAL if….
you did not submit a response
to requests for “rural ifs”
because of inadequate
Internet connectivity
8. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’ve been lectured by a doctor
or nurse half your age to quit
smoking, and you know for a fact
this child’s parents set tobacco
to help fund his/her education
9. YOU might be RURAL if….
the only foreigners
you’ve ever met
run the local
restaurant
10. YOU might be RURAL if….
buying 50 Shades of Grey at
your local Walmart is out
because odds are good you'll
see someone you know
while you’re in there
11. YOU might be RURAL if….
you point blank
refuse to discuss coal
with anyone outside
your family
12. YOU might be RURAL if….
you travel more than 30 minutes to
receive primary or dental care
and
buy groceries or clothes
13. YOU might be RURAL if….
both the main highways
in your county are
referred to simply as
"the four lane"
14. YOU might be RURAL if….
dialing a wrong
number still gets you a
person you know who
has the info you need
15. YOU might be RURAL if….
your job requires safety equipment
provided by your for-profit company
16. YOU might be RURAL if….
the Walmart closes at 9 pm
the grocery store closes at 8 pm
the video store is 24/7 self-serve
everyone has the veterinarian’s
home phone number
17. YOU might be RURAL if….
$25,000 is a
high salary
18. YOU might be RURAL if….
going to the post office
takes two hours
—and you avoid it in Spring
because you don’t like having to
shout over the baby chicks
19. YOU might be RURAL if….
you can get a signal in
your house if you stand on
the toilet and hold your
cell phone in the air
20. YOU might be RURAL if….
traveling distance
is measured in time
rather than miles
--and travel plans are made
around livestock births
21. YOU might be RURAL if….
you actually need
Four Wheel Drive
on your truck
22. YOU might be RURAL if….
A kid walking a sheep on a
leash doesn’t startle you
--or a pig
--or a duck
24. YOU might be RURAL if….
in your extended family are:
a soldier; a meth manufacturer; a
preacher; an addict; and a student
who went to UVA swearing to
come home again, but didn’t
25. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know what
“bless your heart”
really means
26. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know three Richmond jokes
--and your friends from
Richmond don’t know
that you know them
27. YOU might be RURAL if….
each of these games is familiar:
Cow Pat Bingo
Red Light Race
More Local Than Thou
28. YOU might be RURAL if….
you lost your
virginity
outdoors
29. YOU might be RURAL if….
even though you hated
yourself afterward,
you helped organize a
poverty tour in hopes of
securing funding
30. YOU might be RURAL if….
you recognize this
as the single biggest
impediment to
regional program
planning
31. YOU might be RURAL if….
in any given week you eat:
fast food
homegrown vegetables
an item special ordered on the Net
something someone at the table killed
32. YOU might be RURAL if….
you routinely call your
neighbors before leaving work
to see if they need anything
from town
33. YOU might be RURAL if….
you didn’t know
you were rural
until someone else told you
34. YOU might be RURAL if….
you can name
all the winters
in Spring
35. YOU might be RURAL if….
a friend from high school
died before graduation
in a road accident
involving alcohol
36. YOU might be RURAL if….
you have a half-dozen
snappy comebacks
for snake handling jokes
but sometimes it’s just not worth it
37. YOU might be RURAL if….
nepotism is expected
from your
elected officials
38. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know better
than to step on
a grave
39. YOU might be RURAL if….
your doctor, pastor,
banker and child’s teacher
all keep livestock
40. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’ve ever thickened your
accent because you realized
the person you were talking to
was a snob
41. YOU might be RURAL if….
you dress up to go
to the Farmers Market
putting on a bra IS dressing up
42. YOU might be RURAL if….
a conference on issues
pertaining to you can’t be
held in your region because
state officials won’t stay
in your local hotels
43. YOU might be RURAL if….
fried balogna on
white bread meant
Mama loved you
44. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know to NEVER talk
poorly of anyone
because they're probably
related to the person you're
telling
45. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know what a haint, a
booger, and a painter are
—and you believe in them
46. YOU might be RURAL if….
this photo
makes
you smile
47. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’re sick of hearing
how Grandpa could eat
a whole hog for breakfast
because he did physical work
48. YOU might be RURAL if….
Federal grant writing
season produces a flurry
of old friends calling your
office to “reconnect”
49. YOU might be RURAL if….
they’re buggies
not carts
50. YOU might be RURAL if….
you live in, or within
sight of, the home
where one of your
parents was born
51. YOU might be RURAL if….
Santa bringing coal
for Christmas is a
happy thing
52. YOU might be RURAL if….
your last name is
more important
than your degree
53. YOU might be RURAL if….
a friend asks you for
examples of “you might
be rural if” and you only
use real ones
54. YOU might be RURAL if….
you have peed in a
coffee can rather than
go to the outhouse
after dark
55. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know the difference
between Granny,
Memaw, and Mamaw
56. YOU might be RURAL if….
you still crave
welfare cheese
57. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’re intelligent, not
educated, and you know
what that’s worth in the city
and in the county
58. YOU might be RURAL if….
when walking in the woods, you
know what to do if you chance
upon a still
(shout your Papaw’s name and
that you’re leaving now)
59. YOU might be RURAL if….
your child doesn’t have
a friend with a
different skin color
60. YOU might be RURAL if….
in Summer you are almost
completely vegetarian,
in Winter you eat
meat and potatoes
62. YOU might be RURAL if….
driving to the store to
pick up just one item
is out of the question
63. YOU might be RURAL if….
rared, swap, fit, trade
and rasslin are part of
your everyday
vocabulary
64. YOU might be RURAL if….
you learned to shoot before
you learned to play piano,
--and you don’t point a gun
unless you intend to kill
what you’re aiming at
65. YOU might be RURAL if….
your favorite place
to have coffee is on
your front porch
66. YOU might be RURAL if….
you value old
people because
they are old
67. YOU might be RURAL if….
you LOVE to talk to
city reporters about
the Santa Train
68. YOU might be RURAL if….
when it rains,
your landline
quits working
69. YOU might be RURAL if….
when it snows, your
neighbor clears your
driveway with his tractor
70. YOU might be RURAL if….
homeless people from
elsewhere have nowhere to go
because there are no shelters;
local people are homeless
because of family dynamics
71. YOU might be RURAL if….
south of Roanoke ≠
“Southwest Virginia”
north of Richmond ≠
“and vicinity”
72. YOU might be RURAL if….
you don’t mow your
lawn, you bush hog it
73. YOU might be RURAL if….
people still talk about
the good old days
when the door factory
was operating
74. YOU might be RURAL if….
you are proud that your
facility has one of the
two elevators in the
county
75. YOU might be RURAL if….
at any given moment,
you know exactly where
your candles, hurricane
lamps and oil are
76. YOU might be RURAL if….
this photo makes you sad
77. YOU might be RURAL if….
school board meetings
are considered excellent
entertainment
78. YOU might be RURAL if….
you routinely use
fairy stones as gifts
79. YOU might be RURAL if….
Charlottesville folk saying
“FARRRRRR Southwest
Virginia” make you laugh—
unless it’s a funding meeting
80. YOU might be RURAL if….
You live in : Accomack Alleghany Augusta Bath Bland Brunswick Buchanan
Buckingham Carroll Charlotte Culpeper Dickenson Essex Floyd Grayson
Greensville Halifax Henry Highland King George Lancaster Lee Lunenburg
Madison Mathews Mecklenburg Middlesex Northampton Northumberland
Nottoway Orange Page Patrick Prince Edward Pulaski Rappahannock
Richmond Rockbridge Russell Shenandoah Smyth Southampton Tazewell
Westmoreland Wise Wythe Bedford City Buena Vista City Covington City
Emporia City Franklin City Galax City Lexington City Martinsville City
Norton City Radford City Staunton City Waynesboro City
--and if you know their differences
81. YOU might be RURAL if….
no one between the
ages of 22 and 45
lives in your town
82. YOU might be RURAL if….
the locally-exported
produce is picked by
invisible Spanish speakers
83. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’ve spent a summer
working at The Piggery
or on a fishing boat
84. YOU might be RURAL if….
when doing public health
planning, you factor in
natural barriers people
won’t cross to get care
85. YOU might be RURAL if….
you have a love/hate
relationship with
tourism
86. YOU might be RURAL if….
the sound of crickets and
frogs is the last thing you
hear before falling
asleep
87. YOU might be RURAL if….
as a health worker,
you’ve ever had to leave
your car behind and
walk to reach a patient
88. YOU might be RURAL if….
these terms are oxymoronic:
Government Assistance
Fresh Country Air
Idyllic Small Town
Public Transportation
89. YOU might be RURAL if….
rurality and stupidity are
not synonyms in your
programming, planning
policy, or mindset
90. YOU might be RURAL if….
you attended
a two-teacher
schoolhouse
91. YOU might be RURAL if….
this photo makes you tired
92. YOU might be RURAL if….
the domestic violence in
your neighborhood is
the best-kept secret
everyone knows
93. YOU might be RURAL if….
you had to think a
moment the first time
someone asked about
your “faith community”
94. YOU might be RURAL if….
the road you live on has more
twists than a pot of spaghetti
but not guard rails
shoulders
or a painted center line
95. YOU might be RURAL if….
same sex partners in
your community fly
below the radar
96. YOU might be RURAL if….
old-fashioned doesn’t
sound like a put-down
97. YOU might be RURAL if….
your neighbor’s
grandkids do donuts
in your driveway
with their four wheeler
98. YOU might be RURAL if….
your fifth grade teacher
is your daughter’s
fifth grade teacher
99. YOU might be RURAL if….
state lines are really,
really a nuisance
100. YOU might be RURAL if….
having a baby, cancer,
major surgery or
colonoscopy requires
two hours of travel
101. YOU might be RURAL if….
your region’s biggest
export is college
students
102. YOU might be RURAL if….
guarding personal
and family privacy
is a carefully honed
social skill
103. YOU might be RURAL if….
your sexual organs
have been examined
by a camera
104. YOU might be RURAL if….
as a clinician, you know
your professional diagnosis
will be secondary to your
patient’s friend’s opinion
105. YOU might be RURAL if….
Honey Boo Boo
bores you
but you’re secretly
rooting for “Mama”
106. YOU might be RURAL if…
this was posted on your Facebook status this month
107. YOU might be RURAL if….
the commute to work:
is beautiful
passes more deer than cars and
Confederate flags than American
takes longer in harvest season
108. YOU might be RURAL if….
you were an adult
before you realized
most people think
raspberries are red
109. YOU might be RURAL if….
at least one grandparent
listed "corn farmer" on
legal documents
110. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’ve stood in line to
get your teeth pulled
111. YOU might be RURAL if….
you bought goats
because mowing grass
on the slope was a pain
112. YOU might be RURAL if….
giving the first three digits
of a phone number
is unnecessary
113. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’ve ever translated
for an out-of-town
English speaker
114. YOU might be RURAL if….
window shopping at
Lowe’s, Dollar General,
or the Dollar Tree is a
good outing
115. YOU might be RURAL if….
counting the number of
stoplights in your county
takes only one hand
116. YOU might be RURAL if….
counting the number of
people you know with
diabetes takes more
than two hands
117. YOU might be RURAL if….
the fastest Internet
connection you can access
continually times out
the server
118. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’ve called 911 about
a cow on the highway
119. YOU might be RURAL if….
Macy’s is a parade
not a store
120. YOU might be RURAL if….
chickens walk freely
on your road
121. YOU might be RURAL if….
this photo makes you sigh
122. YOU might be RURAL if….
salad greens come
from the yard
123. YOU might be RURAL if….
‘pinto beans &
cornbread’
is redundant
124. YOU might be RURAL if….
“neighbors”
means actions
not proximity
125. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know what a
can of whupass is
and how to use it
126. YOU might be RURAL if….
you've been running a
co-op for 20 years but
it was just called
"family"
127. YOU might be RURAL if….
you're considered
too poorly educated
to write your own
health plan
128. YOU might be RURAL if….
baccer and boggins
are familiar
129. YOU might be RURAL if….
at least three members
of your extended family
are in a band
130. YOU might be RURAL if….
you dread your
physician retiring
for many reasons
131. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know the difference between
a wiener bun and a chili bun
you fish for food, not recreation
you know how to can meat
132. YOU might be RURAL if….
you understand
Boomhauer on
King of the Hill
133. YOU might be RURAL if….
Green Eggs and Ham
confused you
as a child
134. YOU might be RURAL if….
you learned to drive the
farm tractor at age 10 –
and have taught this
135. YOU might be RURAL if….
you introduce a song as
one you learned from your
ex-daughter-in-law's
step-grandfather
136. YOU might be RURAL if….
almost
every way
you turn
looks like
a park
138. YOU might be RURAL if….
you are very, very over
married cousin jokes
139. YOU might be RURAL if….
you genuinely
understand why people
say “don't have a cow"
140. YOU might be RURAL if….
when receiving directions
you understand where
the Miller's old barn
used to be
141. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’re proud of
your coal miner
and you swear he’ll be the
last one in your family
142. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know that Jewelweed
grows next to Poison Ivy
for a very good reason
143. YOU might be RURAL if….
“resources” is not
the first word you think
about the ocean
or the mountains
144. YOU might be RURAL if….
your volunteer firefighting
department has 40 members but
only 2 last names on the roster
all your county’s firefighters
are volunteers
146. YOU might be RURAL if….
you were baptized in a creek
you can line a hymn
your parents wouldn’t take you
to Grandpa’s church--ever
you know what ‘Church of Christ’ is
147. YOU might be RURAL if….
a six-pack of beer
is as good as cash
148. YOU might be RURAL if….
despite having excellent
firefighters, what starts
to burn will finish
before help arrives
149. YOU might be RURAL if….
when the Red Cross
shows up after a
disaster, locals bring
them food baskets
150. YOU might be RURAL if….
your mother ever chased
a bear away from the garbage
with a rock, but won’t visit
DC with you because
she’s afraid of muggers
151. YOU might be
RURAL if….
this is how
your
daughters
plan to get
out of town
152. YOU might be RURAL if….
you see both sets of
grandparents at least once
per week--or could, if the
families were talking
to each other
153. YOU might be RURAL if….
even the mildest
predictions of snow
empty your grocery store
of meat and milk
154. YOU might be RURAL if….
“hillbilly” and “redneck”
are affectionate synonyms
for “rural”
when used by someone who
shares your accent
155. YOU might be RURAL if….
cable TV arrived in the college years
your remember the summer your
town got a traffic light
you’re still waiting for Wireless
156. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know at least
three mamaws under
the age of 35
157. YOU might be RURAL if….
your cast iron skillet
was inherited rather
than purchased
158. YOU might be RURAL if….
you laughed knowingly at
a letter to the editor
complaining about
a reference to Abingdon
as “FAR southwest Virginia”
159. YOU might be RURAL if….
you’ve responded, “Hey,
Thanks!” when a man
in a suit says, “It’s a
different world there”
160. YOU might be RURAL if….
peas are planted on
Valentine’s Day, even if
you have to drop them
through the snow
161. YOU might be RURAL if….
it’s true if the Almanac
and/or your
grandparents say it is
162. YOU might be RURAL if….
weaning (of anything)
starts when the
Almanac says so
163. YOU might be RURAL if….
your neighbors
have straight pipes
164. YOU might be RURAL if….
you watch your Richmond
colleagues’ eyes pop when
you point out your service
area on a map
165. YOU might be RURAL if….
twice a year,
the neighbor bales
your front yard
166. YOU might be RURAL if….
gunshot victims in
your ER are from
hunting accidents,
not drive-bys
167. YOU might be RURAL if….
you understand the
distance measurement
“over yonder”
168. YOU might be RURAL if….
the hospital parking lot
and helicopter landing
pad are the same thing
169. YOU might be RURAL if….
Fall weather =
chainsaw injuries
170. YOU might be RURAL if….
childhood chores
included plucking
chickens
171. YOU might be RURAL if….
you know what
“as the crow flies” means
especially to someone
driving after dark
172. YOU might be RURAL if….
your husband and son
will NEVER be able to
live near neighbors
173. YOU might be RURAL if….
App-a-latch-an
App-a-lay-shun
you know it’s important
174. YOU might be RURAL if….
you accurately
identify road kill
by a passing glance
at the fur