This is a guide on how to approach difficult conversations in an organisation, work environment and even in a relationship.

1. Strategies for Approaching
Difficult Conversations

3. DYSFUNCTIONAL
RELATIONSHIPS
• Sniping
• Blaming
• Hidden agendas
• Domination
• Super-egos
• Role conflict
What’s your story?

4. Relationships can Sometimes be
Challenging

5. Difficult Conversations
Performance
Emotions
Behaviour
Loss

6. Why we get it so wrong
Time constraints
We wing it

7. Feedback = I need you to change
• If ‘primary reward’ or
‘primary threat’ circuitry
of the brain gets
activated, there is a strong
automatic response.
• E.g. a perceived threat to
one’s status activates similar
brain networks to a threat
to one’s life.

8. Results
Behaviours
Mindsets/ Skills
Beliefs / attitudes
For people to change …

9. SCARF factors
• Threat response results in: Increased motor functions, Reduced working memory, Reduced
field of view, Generalizing of threats, Erring on the side of pessimism
Needs Fears
Status relative importance to others.
fear of criticism, exposure, failure, loss of
power/status
Certainty being able to predict the future
fear of uncertainty, chaos, not knowing, loss
Autonomy sense of control over events
fear of authority, loss of control, loss of freedom
Relatedness
sense of safety with others, of friend rather
than foe
fear of rejection, disappointment, betrayal, not
being accepted/
Fairness fair exchanges between people
fear of unfair treatment, inequity, not being
recognised
This has implications for the way leaders: approach difficult conversations

10. Emotions
• Emotions matter and, at an
unconscious level, we can sense
through very clever specialized
neurons called mirror neurons.
• Mirror neurons allow us to decode
(receive and interpret) facial
expressions so we know when people
are faking it or not being authentic.
• If you need to have a difficult
conversation, give tough feedback or
deliver bad news, ensure your
emotions are calm and your body
language supportive.
Empathy Acknowledge Reflect Support Hope

11. Creating opportunities for learning
Learning cycle
Awareness
Insight
Willingness
Action
I become aware that
something needs to
change?
100% need
I realise I need to change
my mindsets/ beliefs/
behaviours to effect the
change?
100% accountability
I am 100% willing
to make the effort
to change
100% commitment
I have clear action
plans to make the
change happen
100% discipline

12. Honest Conversations – Framework
Emotionalvs..Rational
Impact vs.. Intent
Loss vs.. Gain
Storyvs..Fact
Perceptions
The past
Emotions
Impact
Identity
Fears

13. Purpose
& Invite
Engage
Unpack
Learn
Options
Action

14. Purpose
& Invite
Engage
Unpack
Learn
Options
Action
Consider purpose, potential outcomes, benefits and
consequences(Go-no go)
Invite person to join you for conversation
Build rapport
Purpose & desired outcomes
Explain what happened from the
observer view
Offer that you played a part –
apology?
Unpack feelings
Unpack loss vs.. gain
Unpack intent vs.. impactIf we could have this situation over: how could
we do it differently?
What can be developed / worked on by me to
prevent this happening again?
Explore options
Decide on what we can/can’t
live with
Decide on what you are
willing to sacrifice / let go of
to move forward
Forgive and forget
Agree specific actions to
build trust and relationship

15. Paradigm busting
I am right
You hurt me
Employees are paid to get the job
done
There are more important things to
do than talk-shops
Discomfort and uncertainty are
BAD and should be avoided
`
I am part of the problem
Employees are whole beings with
talent, potential, preferences etc
Investment in conversations builds
commitment and save time later
Change and conflict are
opportunities for creativity and
learning

16. Conversation Skills
Rapport
Listening
Reflecting - empathy
Summarising & Interpreting
Questioning
Giving & Receiving Feedback

17. ENGAGE
Thanks for making time
I’d like to chat about happened last week
What happened was difficult/hurtful/awkward
Reflecting back on the situation, I can see how I
played a part
I am sorry for ...
I’d like to find a win-win solution or way
forward
UNPACK
How I felt was ...
How did you feel?
I felt I had lost ...
What did you feel you lost?
My intent was ..., but it seems my impact was
...
What was your intent and impact?
LEARN
If we could have this situation over: how could
we do it differently?
How could we think /feel /act differently?
What incorrect assumptions did we perhaps
make?
What can be developed / worked on by me to
prevent this happening again?
OPTIONS
So where to from here?
I would like to prevent this happening again
I would like to rebuild the trust
What can I do to start building the
relationship?
Can I suggest that …
ACTION
Thanks for all the suggestions
Can we agree to ...?
I know it may take time, but I am willing to
...
I really appreciate your time and
willingness to work through this
I look forward to ...

18. Questions?