Social Intelligence (SI) is the ability to successfully build relationships and navigate social environments. Our society puts a huge emphasis on book smarts and IQ, but our relationships effect a much bigger part of our lives. Social smarts are far more important than your book smarts. Building strong social relationships is worth the effort: Strong relationships improve our immune system and help combat disease. Loneliness and weak relationships are one of the major sources of stress, health problems and depression. Our relationships affect every area of our lives–from colleagues to spouses to friends to kids.

1. Compiled by Col Mukteshwar Prasad(Retd), MTech,CE(I),FIE(I),FIETE,FISLE,FInstOD,AMCSI
Contact -9007224278, e-mail –muktesh_prasad@yahoo.co.in
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9 Social Intelligence Principles Everyone Can
Master
(Ref Goleman in Science and People)

2. Social Intelligence
 Social Intelligence (SI) is the ability to successfully build
relationships and navigate social environments.
 Our society puts a huge emphasis on book smarts and IQ, but our
relationships effect a much bigger part of our lives.
 Social smarts are far more important than your book smarts.
 Building strong social relationships is worth the effort:
 Strong relationships improve our immune system and help combat
disease.
 Loneliness and weak relationships are one of the major sources of stress,
health problems and depression.
 Our relationships affect every area of our lives–from colleagues to
spouses to friends to kids.

3. Your Social Brain
 We are wired to connect.
 Goleman argues that we have specific structures in our brain built to
optimize relationships:
 A spindle cell is the fastest acting neuron in our brain that
guides our social decisions.
 Human brains contain more of these spindle cells than any other
species.
 Mirror neurons help us predict the behavior of people around
us by subconsciously mimicking their movements.
 This helps us feel as they feel, move as they move.
 When a man gets a look from a woman he finds attractive, his brain
secretes dopamine–a chemical that makes us feel pleasure

4. #1: The Protoconversation
 There is so much going on behind our words.
 As we speak, our brains are taking in micro expressions, voice
intonations(The way voice rises and falls while speaking), gestures and
pheromones(Chemical released by a person which changes behaviour
of another person) .
 People who have high SI have a greater awareness of their protoconversations.
 Goleman identifies two aspects:
 Social Awareness: How you respond to ot hers
 Primal Empathy: Sensing other people’s feelings
 Attunement: Listening with full receptivity
 Empathic Accuracy: Understanding others’ thoughts and intentions
 Social Cognition: Understanding the social world and the working of a web of
relationships
 Social Facility: Knowing how to have smooth, effective interactions
 Synchrony: Interacting smoothly
 Self-presentation: Knowing how you come across
 Influence: Shaping the outcome of social interactions
 Concern: Caring about others’ needs

5. #2: Your Social Triggers
 Social awareness as trigger .
 People and places trigger different emotions and this affects our ability to
connect.
 Many times we felt excited and energized by an interaction.
 Many times we felt drained and defeated after an interaction.
 Goleman presents a theory on how our brain processes social interactions:
 The Low Road is our instinctual, emotion-based way we process
interactions. is our instinctual, emotion-based way we process interactions.
 It’s how we read
 Body-language,
 Facial expressions
 Then formulate gut feelings about people.
 The High Road is our logical, critical thinking part of an interaction.
 We use the high road to
 Communicate,
 Tell stories and
 Make connections.

6. #2: Your Social Triggers……
 Why are these important?
 The Low Road guides our gut feelings and instincts.
 For example, if people didn’t come to your birthday parties as a kid, you
might feel a pang of anxiety when thinking about your own birthday as an
adult–even if you have plenty of friends who would attend.
 Your High Road tells you that you are a grown up and things have
changed, but your Low Road still gives you social anxiety.
 These are social triggers.
 You should be aware of your unconscious social triggers to help you make
relationship decisions.
 Knowing your Low Road social triggers helps your High Road
function.
 Here’s how you can identify yours:
 What kinds of social interactions do you dread?
 Who do you feel anxious hanging out with?
 When do you feel you can’t be yourself?

7. #3: Your Secure Base
 Whether you are a cheerful extrovert or a quiet introvert,
everyone needs space and a place to recharge.
 Goleman suggests a “secure base.”
This is a place, ritual or activity that helps us
process emotions and occurrences.
A secure base is helpful for two main reasons.
First, it gives us a place to recharge before
interactions so we don’t get burnt out.
Second, it helps us process and learn from each
social encounter.
 It may be referred as a post-mortem.
After a business pitch, Meeting , party etc. Do set aside
time to reflect and review what went right and wrong?

8. #3: Your Secure Base…
 Here are some questions I ask during my post-mortem:
 What went well?
 What went wrong?
 What would I have done differently?
 What did I learn from this interaction?
 Possible secure base ideas on where you can do your post-mortem:
 In the car driving home
 Journal before bed
 Business workbook for ideas
 Brainstorming with a partner
 Re-hash with a friend

9. #4: Broken Bonds
 One of the biggest pitfalls in social intelligence is a lack of empathy (
Goleman calls these Broken Bonds.)
 Philosopher Martin Buber coined the idea of the “I-It” connection
which happens when one person treats another like an object as
opposed to a human being.
 Imagine you receive wishes are cold,memorized and insincere which you can
visualize based on circumstances.You would feel worse not better.
 This interaction makes you feel like an ‘it’ –a to do list item, a
‘should,’ an obligation /coldhearted. Do not be a party to do /should list
which are perfunctory, predictable and boring.
 Don’t interact because you feel that you‘should.’
 Say no to obligations if you can.
 Interact with empathy or don’t interact at all.

10. #5: Positively Infectious
 When someone smiles at us, it’s hard not to smile back.
 The same goes for other facial expressions.
 When our friend is sad and begins to tear up, our own eyes will often
get moist.
 These are our mirror neurons in action–part of our Low Road response
to people.
 If moods are catching, gravitate towards people who will infect you
with the good ones!

11. #6: Adopt to Adapt
 Our Low Road automatically mirrors the people around us.
 This is how empathy works.
 Our brain copies the people around us so we feel as they feel.
 This in turn helps us understand them, where they are coming from and even be
better at predicting their reactions.
 “Many paths of the low road run through mirror neurons.The neurons
activate in a person based on something that is experienced by another
person in the same way is experienced by the person himself.Whether
pain (or pleasure) is anticipated or seen in another,the same neuron is
activated.”-Goleman,41
 Big idea: Don’t fight it!
 Sometimes our High Road gets in the way.
 For example, if our partner is angry at something generally we try to stay calm and
try to calm them down.
 Usually this makes it worse as partner feels you‘don’t really understand’ or you
‘don’t get them.’ Because you are fighting your instinct to mirror their upset.
 Sometimes you should let yourself adopt their emotions to get a new glimpse into
their perspective and stay on the same page.

12. #7 Beaware of Dark Triad
The Dark Triad refers to three negative personality traits that are different, yet
related
Narcissism - Rauthman finds it distinct from other two
Machiavellianism, and – “Malicious Two”
Psychopathy. – “Malicious Two”
1. Narcissism –But not narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) .This term came about
because of the Greek myth of Narcissus, a young man who fell in love with his reflection
after looking at himself in a pond of water. He became so engrossed in it that he fell into
the water and drowned . Synonymous with unhealthy self-love.
Narcissism is characterized by
 The pursuit of ego gratification,
Vanity,
 A sense of superiority and Prideful, ,
Grandiosity,
 Dominance and Have a low tolerance for criticism. , and
Entitlement.
Lack empathy for others
 Narcissists have no qualms about manipulating others for their gain.
People are narcissistic to different degrees.
 Many narcissists only harm themselves.
 Narcissists possess qualities that others find desirable, such as being more physically attractive,
charming, conscientious, and achievement-oriented but fades over time.
 Narcissists are brightest of three

13. #8: Mindblind
 Mindblind is the inability to sense what is happening in the mind of
someone else.
 The key to mindsight is compassion.
 No to following question puts you on mindblind and yes to mindsight
 Can you usually guess what someone is about to say?
 Are you good at predicting people’s behavior?
 Do you think you are intuitive?
 “In short,self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy,let alone
compassion.When we focus on ourselves,our world contracts as our
problems and preoccupations loom large.But when we focus on others,our
world expands.Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so
seem smaller,and we increase our capacity for connection – or
compassionate action.”– Goleman,54
 We are wired for altruism.
 We are inherently good.
 However, sometimes we forget how good it makes us feel to be good.
 Dr. Baron-Cohen devised something called the Empathy Quotient.This is a
quiz to test your empathy levels.

14. #9: A People Prescription
 “The most striking finding on relationships and physical health
is that socially integrated people,those who are married,have
close family and friends,belong to social and religious groups,
and participate widely in these networks,recover more quickly
from disease and live longer.Roughly eighteen studies show a
strong connection between social connectivity and mortality.”–
Goleman,247
 Goleman’s prescription for a long, healthy happy life is positive
relationships.
 Our partner, our friends, our colleagues our kids, they support our
soul as well as our immune system.
 Goleman shares studies that have found that kinds words, physical
touch, a song from childhood improve the vital signs of the
sick and even fatally ill.