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What lurks below the behaviour
you observe in a hurt child
Keynote 3: Practice Live Conference 2017 : Darling Harbour Conf...
Curious? Why different
response from each child?
What lurks below the
presenting behaviour for
SANDY ?
TAMIE?
TIM ?
Beliefs drive behaviour
• Beliefs created through
personal experience
• Beliefs (internal) hidden
• Behaviour (external) v...
Baby experiences
discomfort or a need
Baby calms
trust develops
Baby plays and
interacts with mother
Baby rests
Mother pic...
I am safe
I am loved
I am cared for
I am valued
I can trust adults
I’m special
I’m okay
It’s a safe place
People love me
P...
Baby plays with self or
becomes apathetic
Baby protests
even louder
Baby protests,
usually by crying
Mother does not respo...
I am in danger
I’m scared
I am not cared for
I’m small
I’m not valued
It’s a terrifying world
People are scary
Dangerous p...
Baby plays with self or
becomes apathetic
Baby protests
even louder
Baby protests,
usually by crying
Mother does not respo...
I am not safe
I’m terrified
I am not cared for
I am unlovable
I’m ignored
I’m not valued
I’m bad
It’s a hostile world
Peop...
What is Trauma?
Psychological trauma is generally defined by two
conditions. An individual experiences either:
Overwhelming...
“The body keeps the score”
Bessel Van Der Kolk
TRAUMA
• Sensory, somatic, body based, ANS
• Base Reptilian Brain Thinking
...
TAMIE : Fear : blue shrapnel
(shower of fragments)
© Helen Oakwater 2017
Terrified
Anxious
Maligned
Insecure
Emotionally
TIM sensory experience:
alone, neglected in cot
SEE
Darkness
HEAR
Shouting &
slamming
doors
TASTE
Milk 

& vomit
SMELL
Sou...
TIM - Infant Perspective
One piece of sensory shrapnel
One incident of
NEGLECT
Stored in implicit memory & sensory databas...
TIM Sensory Shrapnel
from Neglect
© Helen Oakwater 2016
Traumatised
Infant
Maltreated
TIMs Shrapnel: Much obscured
by Protective Bubble Wrap
© Helen Oakwater 2016
TAMIE : Fear : blue shrapnel
bubble wrap
© Helen Oakwater 2017
Terrified
Anxious
Maligned
Insecure
Emotionally
You observe
parent and child interactions
Adult Child
© Helen Oakwater 2017
TAMIE (duplicate/identical)
is mother of TIM
© Helen Oakwater 2017
TAMIE & TIM: Bubblewrap
distorts their interactions
© Helen Oakwater 2017
23
Limiting Beliefs Inside
Below the bubblewrap
HELPLESS
WORTHLESS
HOPELESS
© Helen Oakwater 2017
I am useless
I am a vict...
You observe bubblewrapped
parent and child interactions
Adult Child
© Helen Oakwater 2017
You observe bubblewrapped
interactions through your filters
Adult Child
© Helen Oakwater 2017
Observing PAIGE & SANDY
What behaviours?
Adult Child
© Helen Oakwater 2017
Parenting
Adequate
Interactive
Good
Excellent
S...
Observing TAMIE & TIM
Do you see PAIGE & SANDY?
Adult Child
© Helen Oakwater 2017
Terrified
Anxious
Maligned
Insecure
Emoti...
Forensic Thinking required to
unearth the hidden beliefs
Adult Child
© Helen Oakwater 2017
C I A
Concept = WHY
Implication = SO WHAT
Application = HOW TO
Thanks to Grant Soosula of mBIT
(multiple brain coaching) f...
FEAR
EMOTIONAL
ABUSE
NEGLECT
SEXUAL
ABUSE
PHYSICAL
ABUSE
TIM: Different Maltreatments
Assorted Shrapnel = I AM BAD
© Helen...
I am a
bad boy
No therapy or reframing
Shrapnel still inside Tim
© Helen Oakwater 2016
I am an
OK kid
Robust Interventions. Truth.
Reframe past. Melt trauma
© Helen Oakwater 2016
Transformation (HOW TO)
• No magic bullet
• Holistic approach
• Forensic Thinking
• Therapeutic Reparenting
• Undo damage
...
Melt the trauma
Recalibrate and calm the body
Rewire the brain
Truth telling so child’s story matches their sensory
experi...
Therapeutic Reparenting
(HOW TO)
Recognizing missed developmental experiences
(broken and missing bricks)
Provide them in ...
Transformation
Some ideas for “HOW TO”
• Interventions at belief and identity
level
• Educate Tamie -child development,
em...
I am a
bad kid
I am a
good kid
Imagine behaviour, outcomes
and life path for each
© Helen Oakwater 2016
FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts, etc
LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS
ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences
FUTURE-PROOF...
#HelenOakwater
www.FABparents.co.uk
Bubble Wrapped Children
NSW Child Protection Conference sept 2017
NSW Child Protection Conference sept 2017
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NSW Child Protection Conference sept 2017

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The beliefs that lurk below the presenting behaviour of a child (especially a hurt or traumatised child) is where real change and understanding occurs. Useful for Social Workers, Teachers, Foster parents, Adopters and beyond.

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NSW Child Protection Conference sept 2017

  1. 1. What lurks below the behaviour you observe in a hurt child Keynote 3: Practice Live Conference 2017 : Darling Harbour Conference Centre: Sydney Helen Oakwater 5th September 2017 7am London 4pm Sydney
  2. 2. Curious? Why different response from each child? What lurks below the presenting behaviour for SANDY ? TAMIE? TIM ?
  3. 3. Beliefs drive behaviour • Beliefs created through personal experience • Beliefs (internal) hidden • Behaviour (external) visible, evidenced • Strongest most enduring beliefs formed in infancy
  4. 4. Baby experiences discomfort or a need Baby calms trust develops Baby plays and interacts with mother Baby rests Mother picks baby up, eye contact, talks to and soothes baby Baby protests, usually by crying Secure Attachment Cycle: “normal child development” © Helen Oakwater 2017 SANDY
  5. 5. I am safe I am loved I am cared for I am valued I can trust adults I’m special I’m okay It’s a safe place People love me People care for me There is a place for me here I am important to them The world is okay ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS SANDY : Securely Attached, Normal Development, Youngster © Helen Oakwater 2017 BELIEFS
  6. 6. Baby plays with self or becomes apathetic Baby protests even louder Baby protests, usually by crying Mother does not respond to baby’s cry or responds inconsistently Baby experiences discomfort or a need Baby gives up. Rage &/or Apathy develop instead of trust Mother responds with anger , resentment or does not respond Baby rests Disturbed Attachment Cycle “distorted child development” © Helen Oakwater 2017 TAMIE
  7. 7. I am in danger I’m scared I am not cared for I’m small I’m not valued It’s a terrifying world People are scary Dangerous place Threats are everywhere Be invisible The world is not okay POOR ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS I’m alone TAMIE: Terrified, Anxious, Maligned, Insecure Emotionally © Helen Oakwater 2017 BELIEFS
  8. 8. Baby plays with self or becomes apathetic Baby protests even louder Baby protests, usually by crying Mother does not respond to baby’s cry or responds inconsistently Baby experiences discomfort or a need Baby gives up. Rage &/or Apathy develop instead of trust Mother responds with anger , resentment or does not respond Baby rests Disturbed Attachment Cycle “distorted child development” © Helen Oakwater 2017 TIM
  9. 9. I am not safe I’m terrified I am not cared for I am unlovable I’m ignored I’m not valued I’m bad It’s a hostile world People hurt you Dangerous unpredictable place There is no place for me Nothing is important The world is not okay POOR ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS I’m alone TIM: Traumatised Infant Maltreated © Helen Oakwater 2017 BELIEFS
  10. 10. What is Trauma? Psychological trauma is generally defined by two conditions. An individual experiences either: Overwhelming affect (experience of feeling or emotion) they are unable to integrate The 
 feeling / belief 
 that they 
 might die or © Helen Oakwater 2017
  11. 11. “The body keeps the score” Bessel Van Der Kolk TRAUMA • Sensory, somatic, body based, ANS • Base Reptilian Brain Thinking • Fastest processing • Safety / Survival seeking • There is only NOW • past, future • Language
  12. 12. TAMIE : Fear : blue shrapnel (shower of fragments) © Helen Oakwater 2017 Terrified Anxious Maligned Insecure Emotionally
  13. 13. TIM sensory experience: alone, neglected in cot SEE Darkness HEAR Shouting & slamming doors TASTE Milk 
 & vomit SMELL Sour milk & excrement TOUCH Nappy rash FEEL Hungry 
 & cold © Helen Oakwater 2016
  14. 14. TIM - Infant Perspective One piece of sensory shrapnel One incident of NEGLECT Stored in implicit memory & sensory database © Helen Oakwater 2016
  15. 15. TIM Sensory Shrapnel from Neglect © Helen Oakwater 2016 Traumatised Infant Maltreated
  16. 16. TIMs Shrapnel: Much obscured by Protective Bubble Wrap © Helen Oakwater 2016
  17. 17. TAMIE : Fear : blue shrapnel bubble wrap © Helen Oakwater 2017 Terrified Anxious Maligned Insecure Emotionally
  18. 18. You observe parent and child interactions Adult Child © Helen Oakwater 2017
  19. 19. TAMIE (duplicate/identical) is mother of TIM © Helen Oakwater 2017
  20. 20. TAMIE & TIM: Bubblewrap distorts their interactions © Helen Oakwater 2017
  21. 21. 23 Limiting Beliefs Inside Below the bubblewrap HELPLESS WORTHLESS HOPELESS © Helen Oakwater 2017 I am useless I am a victim There is something fundamentally wrong with me I don’t belong I deserve the pain and suffering I’m experiencing I can’t do this, but you can Its out of my control I am bad I am the problem
  22. 22. You observe bubblewrapped parent and child interactions Adult Child © Helen Oakwater 2017
  23. 23. You observe bubblewrapped interactions through your filters Adult Child © Helen Oakwater 2017
  24. 24. Observing PAIGE & SANDY What behaviours? Adult Child © Helen Oakwater 2017 Parenting Adequate Interactive Good Excellent Securely Attached Normal Development Youngster
  25. 25. Observing TAMIE & TIM Do you see PAIGE & SANDY? Adult Child © Helen Oakwater 2017 Terrified Anxious Maligned Insecure Emotionally Traumatised Infant Maltreated
  26. 26. Forensic Thinking required to unearth the hidden beliefs Adult Child © Helen Oakwater 2017
  27. 27. C I A Concept = WHY Implication = SO WHAT Application = HOW TO Thanks to Grant Soosula of mBIT (multiple brain coaching) for the CIA concept)
  28. 28. FEAR EMOTIONAL ABUSE NEGLECT SEXUAL ABUSE PHYSICAL ABUSE TIM: Different Maltreatments Assorted Shrapnel = I AM BAD © Helen Oakwater 2016 I am bad
  29. 29. I am a bad boy No therapy or reframing Shrapnel still inside Tim © Helen Oakwater 2016
  30. 30. I am an OK kid Robust Interventions. Truth. Reframe past. Melt trauma © Helen Oakwater 2016
  31. 31. Transformation (HOW TO) • No magic bullet • Holistic approach • Forensic Thinking • Therapeutic Reparenting • Undo damage • Fill in developmental gaps • One size fits all
  32. 32. Melt the trauma Recalibrate and calm the body Rewire the brain Truth telling so child’s story matches their sensory experiences and body memories Therapeutic Reparenting (HOW TO) Therapeutic = Melting trauma © Helen Oakwater 2016
  33. 33. Therapeutic Reparenting (HOW TO) Recognizing missed developmental experiences (broken and missing bricks) Provide them in age appropriate ways Parent the child you have, not the fantasy image Reparenting = Filling in the Gaps © Helen Oakwater 2016
  34. 34. Transformation Some ideas for “HOW TO” • Interventions at belief and identity level • Educate Tamie -child development, empathy, can’t/won’t • Teach self regulation to Tamie • Check capacity to learn and change (executive functioning skills?) • Massive “Tool kit” = targeted options
  35. 35. I am a bad kid I am a good kid Imagine behaviour, outcomes and life path for each © Helen Oakwater 2016
  36. 36. FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts, etc LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences FUTURE-PROOFING - evidence & thinking REAL and honest EXPERTS in various fields (coaching, leadership, communication skills, trauma, etc) LEADING LEARNER principles Helen Oakwater www.FABParents.co.uk © Helen Oakwater 2017
  37. 37. #HelenOakwater www.FABparents.co.uk Bubble Wrapped Children

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