7. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Self-Disclosure
9. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top
quartile managers from bottom quartile
managers was strength of affection.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”,
Kouzes & Posner
Authentic Leaders
11. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Effective Teams
1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to
Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004
12. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
“I’m starting to
feel defensive”
Inward
(my emotions)
Outward
(others’ emotions)
Emotional
Awareness
Emotional
Management
(“Regulation”)
“He seems to be
getting agitated”
• Take a deep breath
• “Could you give
me a sec?”
• Take a walk
“Are you ok?”
EQ (Individual)
13. High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms
determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQ
22. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
• Focus on specific, observable behavior
When you do [x]…
• Describe the impact of that behavior on you
I feel [y]…
• Ask about the other person’s motives or
intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
23. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Joe, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are
clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am
feeling anxious about what message that might send to
others in the room.
24. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…
1. You’re not very approachable.
2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t
respond very well. You’re not very approachable.
3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh
man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty
for asking, even though that time off is important to me.
And I’ve noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you
with questions or requests.
25. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
When you do [x]…
I feel [y == emotion] that / like
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
27. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Setup
1. Check in
– “Is now a good time?”
2. Soft Start
– Do not use praise to buffer criticism (“The Sandwich”)
– Do emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
“My intention is…… / This matters to me because…”
28. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”
– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Help the other person feel heard
– Ask clarifying questions
– Restate what you’ve heard to confirm understanding
• Acknowledge your feelings
– Manage your own defensiveness: “Affect Labeling”
– Disclose your reactions, thoughts, feelings
• Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”
29. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityEnd with Agreements
• Make requests
– What are we going to try / do differently going forward?
• Be specific
• Discuss the error case
– What can we do if someone doesn’t do their part of the
agreement?
30. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus area
Communication & Management
– Too much/little
– Choice of format
– Email etiquette
– Language choices,
communication style with others
– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from
this person?
– How do they impact others?
– What do they model well?
– Anything you worry about?
– Arrival/departure times
– How they speak/listen/act/dress
31. Fostering a feedback-rich culture
• Train your team on giving/receiving feedback
• Schedule feedback-focused 1:1s (or begin
1:1s with two-way feedback)
– And set expectations of managers/leaders to do
the same