Boundaries and relationships

WhatWhat’s Love Got To Do With It?’s Love Got To Do With It?
Boundaries and RelationshipsBoundaries and Relationships
• Dr. Louise Stanger
Ed.D. LCSW, CIP
• Director All About
Interventions
• Membership NII
• Member at Large-AIS
• Faculty SDSU
Interwork Institute
Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger

ObjectivesObjectives
• Understand what is Love
• Define and Describe
Boundaries
• Identify Different Types
of Relationships

ObjectivesObjectives
• Identify Core
Recovery Issues
• Determine client’s
Recovery Stage
• Build a treatment plan
that diminishes family
fusion and
triangulation against
treatment providers

What is a Boundary ?What is a Boundary ?
Interaction with others
-where you begin and
where you end.
Limits – how far we can go
with comfort in a
relationship?

Historical Perspectives OfHistorical Perspectives Of
BoundariesBoundaries
• “An unreflecting mind is a
poor roof.
Passion, like the rain
floods the house,
but if the roof is strong, there
is shelter.”
• “By watching and working,
the master makes for himself
an island, which the flood
cannot overwhelm.”

Lao-TsuLao-Tsu

Judeo-Christian Beliefs
Stresses Importance of living
life as true self
Connected to God and to all
living things
You do not have to stay with
people who mistreat you
People, places, thoughts,
feelings, & actions

What is a Relationship?What is a Relationship?
Interactions with othersInteractions with others
• Friends
• Work
• Dating
• Marriage- Living Together
• Family

Family FusionFamily Fusion
• Lack of personal
space
• Taking over-
Controlling
• Blurred Lines
• Blaming
• Denying
• Rescuing Faulty
Reasoning

Boundaries & RelationshipsBoundaries & Relationships
• Physical
- Closeness- Touching
- Privacy-mail, bathroom,
telephone
- Clothes
- Shelter
- Physical Differences
- Time -energy
• Emotional
- Beliefs, thoughts, actions
- Secrets , Rules, Action
- Sexuality
- Time alone
• Spirituality
- Personal Experience with
Higher self
- Practices
- Definition of

Questions to ask yourself ?Questions to ask yourself ?
1. I have difficulty saying no.
2. I feel as if my happiness
depends on other people
3. I can’t make up my mind
4. It’s hard to look another
person in the eye.
5. I get involved with people
who hurt me
6. I trust others
7. I would rather attend to
others then myself
8.Others opinions are more
important then mine
• Usually
• Never or Unaware
• Seldom or Occasionally

QuestionsQuestions
9. People take or use my
things without asking me.
10. I have difficulty asking for
what I want
11. I lend people money and
don’t seem to get it back or
people do not give it back
12. I feel ashamed
13. I would rather go along with
others then express my
needs
14. I feel bad for being
“different” from other
people.
15. I feel anxious, scared afraid

QuestionsQuestions
16. I spend my time and
energy helping others
17. Its hard for me to know
what I think
18. I feel as if my happiness
depends on
circumstances outside
myself
19. I feel good
20. I have a hard time
knowing what I feel
21. I get involved with the
wrong folks
22. Its hard for me to make
decisions
23. I get angry
24. I am overly sensitive to
criticism
25. I don’t get to spend too
much time alone
26. I tend to take on the
moods of those around
me

More QuestionsMore Questions
27. I have a hard time keeping a
confidence or secret.
28. I feel hurt
29. I tend to stay in
relationships that are
hurting
me
30. I feel an emptiness as if
something is missing in my
life
31. I tend to get caught in the
middle of other peoples
problems
32. When someone acts up in
public, I feel embarrassed.
33. I feel Sad
34. Its not easy for me to really
know in my heart about
relationship with Higher
Power
35. I tend to take on what other
people are feeling or doing
36. I put more into relationships
then I get out of them
37. I feel responsible for other
peoples feelings.
38. My friends or
acquaintances
have a hard time keeping
secrets or confidences
which I tell them.

LOVE: What is it ? How doesLOVE: What is it ? How does
our brain respond ?our brain respond ?
• Lust – Testosterone,
and in Addiction we
tend to lust after
something or
someone
• Love- First phase this
is driven by an
increase in dopamine

Romantic LoveRomantic Love
• Decrease in serotonin
when falling in love –
so moods are highly
unstable
• Wild inability to
control thoughts
during this stage
• Love can mimic
addiction

Deep AttachmentDeep Attachment
• Hormones Vasopressin
and Oxytocin are
responsible for creating
pleasurable sensations
especially calm and
security
• After the pleasure
centers have calmed
down we form deep
attachment

Age RegressionAge Regression
1. Sudden decomposition is
triggered by a hurt, usually
due to a boundary violation
a. Paralyzed or passive state
b. Temper tantrum
c. Therapeutic
1. Levels of meaning
a. Mistreated in the past
b Mistreated in the present
c. Can set firm boundaries
d. I can stay or leave

Pre-Recovery Issues
Triple Threats
• Substance abuse
• Mental Health
• Legal
• Physical
• Financial
• Sexual
• Family , Friend , Fusion
• In relationship with Harmful behaviors

So, What’s Love Got to
Do With It?

Codependent Co-defendants

Recovery IssuesRecovery Issues
Issues Early Middle Advanced
Grieving Identify ones
losses
Learning to
grieve
Grieve past and
present losses
Neglecting ones
own needs
Realization of
needs
Beginning to get
needs met
Getting needs
met
Being Over
responsible
Identifying
boundaries
Setting limits Responsible for
self-clear
boundaries
Low self-esteem Identify Sharing Affirming –
improved SE
Control Identify Taking
responsibility
Responsibility&
letting go
All or none
thinking
Recognize &
identify
Learning there
are choices
Multicolored
world
Being Real Recogonize Risking being
real
Being real

Recovery IssuesRecovery Issues
Issues Early Middle Advanced
Trust Trust can be
helpful
Selective
Trusting
Trusting
appropriately
Feeling Recognizing &
Identifying
Experiencing Observing &
Using
Hi Tolerance
inappropriate
beh.
Questioning
behaviors
Learning Knowing &
having safe folks
Abandonment &
Conflict
Recognizing &
Identifying
Grieving &
Resolving
Freedom From &
work thru
current conflicts
Giving and
Receiving Love
Defining: What is
love
Practicing Refining, loving
self, higher
power
Dependence &
Independence
Identifying Learning/
Practicing
Being healthy

Dating and Early RecoveryDating and Early Recovery

Dating and Early RecoveryDating and Early Recovery
• Why is abstinence a
good idea
• Ethics of dating in early
recovery
• Age Regression
• Who you are today is
not who you maybe
tomorrow

Even GirlsEven Girls
• Vulnerability
• Dating IQ
• Need for
acceptance

TriangulationTriangulation

Magic wordsMagic words
• Yes
• No
• Really
• Oh
• Whatever

Tool Box For RecoveryTool Box For Recovery
• Abstinence
• Peer Support
• Medication
• Exercise
• Ritual
• Good Nutrition
• Professional
Consultation and
Services
• National Institute
of Drug Abuse

ListeningListening

Essentials For RecoveryEssentials For Recovery
• Ability to deal with
Distractions
• Live from Inner Life
• Come to terms with
Past-Grieving
• Feeling
• Learn to tolerate
emotional pain
• Listening Skills

Essentials For RecoveryEssentials For Recovery
• Learn to set healthy
boundaries
• Learning& knowing the
difference between our
true and false selves
• Working through core
issues
• Taking responsibility to
be a co-creator
• Watch where you are
hula hooping

Three Kinds of Happy LivesThree Kinds of Happy Lives
Martin Seligman, 2004 - Ted TalkMartin Seligman, 2004 - Ted Talk
• Pleasant Life- find in life as many things
pleasant as you can
• The life of engagement –life in work,
parenting, love and leisure
• The meaningful life- knowing your highest
strengths and using them to the fullest in
service to something higher then yourselves

It Takes a VillageIt Takes a Village

All Fall UP!: Memoir coming soonAll Fall UP!: Memoir coming soon
Getting to the Heart of the Matter.Getting to the Heart of the Matter.Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger

ResourcesResources
• Boundaries and Relationships. Whitfield,Charles,
Health Communications inc.
• Erikson, E. Childhood and Society . (2nd
ed.), Norton,
NY
• Lerner, R: Boundaries for Co-dependence (Booklet
5217) Hazelden ,Center City, , MN 1988.
• Lerner, R. The Object of My affection is my reflection
• The Daily Good, http://www.Dailygood.org
• Post-Romantic Stress Disorder, John Bradshaw ,
2014
• Gorski, T Getting Love Right
• Stanger, Louise –Triple Threat-Beyond Dual
Diagnosis-in press
• Stanger, Louise- All Fall Up – in

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