1. NARCISSISM
A User’s Guide
Alex de Carvalho
ig: @alex_dc
Nerd Nite Miami
3/14/19

2. Narcissus,
Caravaggioc.
1598

3. Narciso, Jules-Cyrille Cavé, 1890

4. Echo and Narcissus
John William Waterhouse, 1903

5. Narcissus
(Daffodil)

6. • Unrealistic sense of superiority
• Excessive need of admiration
and attention
• Arrogant, self-centered,
manipulative, and demanding
• Stunning lack of empathy
NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

8. OVERT NARCISSISM

9. Tim Robbins
The Player, 1992
COVERT NARCISSISM

10. Covert, closet, passive-aggressive narcissist:
• Fantasies of success, beauty, brilliance
• Sense of entitlement, special treatment
• Associates with successful people
• Self-deprecating, humble
• Sociable, charming, well-liked
• Has even fooled himself into thinking he’s an unpresuming guy
• Only family, SO, and his PA experience his profound insensitivity
Tim Robbins,
The Player,
1992

11. HIGHLY FUNCTIONING, CHARMING, ADMIRED, DESIRED

13. CLUSTER B
ANTISOCIAL, BORDERLINE, HISTRIONIC, NARCISSISTIC
• Upstanding member of society
• Causes considerable damage through hidden abuse
• Mom, dad, brother, sister, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin,
boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, adult child, friend, in-laws, co-
worker, boss, pastor, mentor
• 1 in 7 people (15% of population)
• Males AND females
• 150M+ Americans impacted by a Cluster B personality

14. HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM?
• DSM-5 American Psychiatric Association
• Behaviors
• How you feel

15. THE VOCABULARY OF NARCISSISTIC
ABUSE
• Intermittent reinforcement
• Co-dependency
• Triangulation
• Stonewalling
• Idealization
• Destructive conditioning
• Devaluation
• Gaslighting
• Projection
• Walking on eggshells
• Survivor
• Grooming
• Thriver
• Lack of empathy
• Cluster B
• Support group
• Discard
• Changing subjects
• Narcissistic supply
• Escape
• Flying Monkeys
• Moving the goalpoasts
• Narcissistic wound
• Support group
• Smear campaign
• Whole object relations
• Lack of emppathy
• Narcissistic rage
• Blame-shifting
• Hoovering

17. 1. IDEALIZATION (LOVE BOMBING)
• Idealization – Devaluation – Discard cycle
• Intermittent reinforcement starts here
• Intense focus and attention
• You have never felt this way before
• They say they have never felt this way before
• They are studying you intensely
• Your weaknesses and vulnerabilities
• Your strengths and qualities
• Your dreams & goals
• They mirror you

18. 2. DEVALUATION
• Intermittent reinforcement
• Triangulation
• Blame-shifting
• Gaslighting
• Narcissistic wound
• Stonewalling

19. 3. DISCARD
•At the worst possible time
•Stunning lack of empathy
•Shocking language

20. SMEAR CAMPAIGN
•You abused me
•You hit me
•You raped me
•You cheated on me
•You never loved me
•You’re stalking me
•You’re mentally ill

22. THE LABEL DOESN’T MATTER
• It’s about how you feel
• Worry, stress, walking on eggshells, guilt, shame, being
stonewalled & gaslighted
• Being made to think it’s all your fault
• Being made to think you’re not ok somehow
• It’s always about them
• Your body knows

23. WHAT TO DO
• No contact
• Gray Rock
• Educate yourself
• Talk about it
• There are support groups

24. GOING “GRAY ROCK”

26. “Remember that sometimes not getting what you
want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”
~ Dalai Lama XIV