1. Is anybody listening?
One common stressor is the feeling that we are trying to get others to
understand our needs and our points of view, but somehow, no
matter how hard we try, the message isn’t getting through.
The solution to this stress? Try to understand the needs of your
listener; then shape your communication to meet those needs.
In an old sitcom, Archie Bunker stated: “Edith, do you know why
we can’t communicate? Because I’m talking in English, and
you’re listening in DINGBAT!”
Archie Bunker had a point: a major frustration in life is the realization that we are not being heard.
His explanation was also typical: it must be your fault if you don’t understand me.
A good rule to remember is that everyone is tuned into Station WII:FM: What’s in it for me?
Each of us filters information beamed towards us in terms the kinds of information we want and
need, and the possible threat that may be posed for us. The ability to analyze the communication
styles of others allows you to plan your communications so that they will be received and
understood.
Here is a brief rundown on four different normal types of people, and what they need to hear in
order to pay attention to a communication.
The DOMINANT, take-charge type, likes challenges and speedy movement towards a well-
defined goal. Dominant types are better speakers than listeners. Such people give new meaning to
the terms “brief” and “concise.”
A phone call from a Dominant is likely to consist of a quick message: “I can’t meet you at I p.m.
It’ll have to be at 1:45.” And belatedly, “This is Don. How are you?” The speaker may then hang up
without waiting for an answer.
A communication to a dominant person should move quickly to the bottom line: what is the
proposed plan, what is his or her involvement? Avoid at all costs the following: a long introduction
to the topic (trigger impatience and lack of attention in this listener), entertaining anecdotes (arouse
suspicion – “Why are you trying to con me”), and detailed presentations of data on the pros and
cons (“You should have thought this out on your own time and come to me with a brief, clear
proposal”).
ENTHUSIASTIC OPTIMISTS are animated, optimistic, and very sociable people. Charming
and entertaining others is a major goal of this very likable type. They make charismatic leaders,
teachers, preachers, and super salespeople.
Major threats to this type include the possibility of personal rejection, or a negative reaction to one
of their proposals. The result? Enthusiastic Optimists, when squelched, have an out-of-body
experience. In their imaginations, they travel to another, pleasanter planet where your voice is not
being heard.
When your Enthusiastically Optimistic listener’s eyes glaze over, it is a distinct possibility you are
not being heard.

2. Take time, if possible, to listen, socialize and empathize with the feelings of the Enthusiastic
Optimist. You will save time in the long run. Present negative information as if it is one of an array
of possibilities.
HARMONIOUS TEAMWORKERS are even-tempered, loyal friends and co-workers. In their
conversations, they often use the word “we” where others might use “I”: ‘We went to a movie last
night,” “‘We didn’t like that restaurant.”
People who reflect this style tend to speak in pleasant, well-modulated voices, and expect others to
do the same. They are made very uncomfortable by forceful tones and language, as used by the
Dominant types, or the rising and falling inflections and volume of the Enthusiastic Optimist,
interpreting such vocal changes as being threatening.
Harmonious Teamworkers tend to avoidanything unpleasant, and will consequently avoid listening
to overly forceful communication.
CAREFUL INDEPENDENTS are detail-oriented, conscientious types who prefer to work
alone, and indeed need a certain amount of solitude in order to be comfortable.
Communications beamed towards Careful Independents should be worded cautiously, with respect
for detail. Avoid emotion-laden phrases and attempts at persuasion; simply present the facts to
which you wish them to pay attention.
Don’t necessarily expect an immediate reply or reaction to your communication. Listeners
might be compared to cameras: some zoom in on a specific topic, while others use a wide-angle
lens to take in many details simultaneously. The Dominants and Enthusiastic Optimists zoom in on
topics which are important to them, react quickly and make decisions accordingly. Harmonious
Teamworkers and Careful Independents survey the entire situation, often contemplating several
points of view simultaneously. This type of information processing demands time for reflection
before reaction. Pressing them for a response too quickly will result in irritation and resistance to
any suggestion being presented by the speaker.
Of course, communication style can vary by situation; people often don’t use the same style at
home and at work, for example, and level of stress can play a factor also. Plus, don’t forget that
there is a strong relationship between power, communication, income level, and status in the
community. However, studying these four listening styles will greatly enhance the power of your
communications, and increase the possibility of actually being heard!
Lynette Crane, M.A.(Psychology) and Certified Life Coach,is a Minneapolis-based speaker, writer,
and coach. She has more than 30 years' experience in the field of stress management. She currently
works to provide stress and time pressure solutions to harried women, those women who seek
"Islands of Peace" in their overly-busy lives. Her talks to groups of what she calls "harried women"
are receiving rave reviews. Visit her website at http://www.creativelifechanges.com/ to see more
in-depth articles and to view her programs.