Slides from a day course on how to create a positive outcome from a difficult conversation.

1. THE
DISCOMFORT ZONE
How to Turn Difficult Conversations
into Breakthrough Moments

2. What people want and expect from their leaders is
evolving with the changing world.

3. What are the key
leadership skills now?
Source: Human Capital Institute
Adaptability
Problem-Solving
Skills
Communication
Skills
Empathy
Coaching Skills
What
employees
want
What
managers
think

4. WHY COACHING WORKS
Most peopleMost peopleMost peopleMost people –––– especiallyespeciallyespeciallyespecially thethethethe
millennialsmillennialsmillennialsmillennials ---- want to think forwant to think forwant to think forwant to think for
themselves, they want to bethemselves, they want to bethemselves, they want to bethemselves, they want to be
developed (mentally as welldeveloped (mentally as welldeveloped (mentally as welldeveloped (mentally as well
as skills), and they want toas skills), and they want toas skills), and they want toas skills), and they want to
feel they are significant.feel they are significant.feel they are significant.feel they are significant.

5. What are the most
important leadership
skills?
I’m not looking to be led…
I’m looking for a leader who will
listen to me, honor me, and
partner with me to meet my goals
and grow.

6. Who does most of the
talking? What are the results?

7. Recall someone who prompted you
to change your behavior forever.

8. What did they say or do?
What emotions prompted you to
change?

9. The best leaders and coaches
make us feel unsure of
ourselves.

10. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
If most people want to grow and develop, what
options do you have?
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training

16. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
Coaching develops people’s minds,Coaching develops people’s minds,Coaching develops people’s minds,Coaching develops people’s minds,
not just their skills.not just their skills.not just their skills.not just their skills.

17. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
When do you have a
Discomfort Zone Conversation?
17
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
When a
competent
person is
stuck…=

18. …and they need a
transformational,
not transactional,
conversation with
you.
Courageous Coaching

19. Coaching is the most effective
technology for transforming self and
changing behavior.

20. How Humans Learn New Behaviors

21. How Humans
Learn
Cortical/ThinkingCortical/ThinkingCortical/ThinkingCortical/Thinking
BrainBrainBrainBrain
Fact-based learning
Short-term memory

22. How Humans
Learn
Without considerable repetition, words must prompt
strong emotions to be remembered. The emotions
say to your brain,
“Look at me! Remember this!!”
But information
often doesn’t
change behavior.

23. Reptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive Brain
Fear-based Learning
Motor Skills
What we learn
from fear is nearly
impossible to
change.
How Humans
Learn

24. How Humans
Learn
Mammalian/Mammalian/Mammalian/Mammalian/
Social BrainSocial BrainSocial BrainSocial Brain
Long-Term Memory
Emotions
Ego

25. ©Covisioning www.outsmartyourbrain.com
How Humans
Learn

26. How Humans
Learn
"We don't see things as they are, we see
things as we are." - Anais Nin

27. Behavioral learning
happens when what we
are told either supports
what we believe
OR
Learning happens when
the protective barrier
breaks down and we see
ourselves and the world
around us differently..
What Triggers
Behavioral Learning?

28. A surprising fact,
a disruptive reflection, or
a powerful question.
What Triggers
Behavioral Learning?

29. Transformation:
When the light of awareness breaks
through…

30. Transformation:
…you see a new truth or gain a new
insight about your self and the world
around you.

32. Transformation:
Learning happens in the moment of
uncertainty, and even some
discomfort.

33. Transformation in Coaching:
The new truth, new meaning comes
from a break in knowing so learning
can occur.

34. When how someone defines
themselves and the world
changes, so does their behavior.

35. Reflective Inquiry =
• Behavior changes
• People learn to think
more broadly for
themselves
• There is greater
possibility for
creative thinking
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
Why Coaching
Works

36. How do you listen for
what to say?
Part II -

37. 3 Levels of Listening
One
• What I am thinking
Two
• What they are saying
Three
• What they haven’t said
Me and you

38. 3 Levels of Listening
One
• What I am thinking
Two
• What they are saying
Three
• What they haven’t said
I and It

39. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
Julien Treasure’s
formula for listening:
RRRR Receive
AAAA Appreciate
SSSS Summarise (and reflect)
AAAA Ask (to clarify)
Level 2 Listening
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training

40. Level 3 Listening
One
• What I am thinking
Two
• What they are saying
Three
• What they haven’t said
Assumptions/Beliefs, Values, Desires,
Needs, Doubts,
Fears, Attachments
I and Thou

41. Level 3 Listening
Listen for assumptions/beliefs, desires, needs,
conflicting values, fears, attachments.
DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE WRONG

42. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
The new key leadership competenciesThe new key leadership competenciesThe new key leadership competenciesThe new key leadership competencies
require emotional intelligence as well asrequire emotional intelligence as well asrequire emotional intelligence as well asrequire emotional intelligence as well as
coaching.coaching.coaching.coaching.

43. If you can
discover what is
triggering the
emotion, you will
open the door to
new possibilities.
Being Self-Aware

44. Emotional Triggers
Acceptance Respect Credibility
Achievement Feel Valued Be Understood
Appreciation Attention Feel Needed
Be Right Accuracy Control
Comfort Feel Safe Peace and Quiet
Freedom New Challenges Independence
Order Predictability Balance
Cleanliness Fairness Be Liked

45. Acceptance Respect Credibility
Achievement Feel Valued Be Understood
Appreciation Attention Feel Needed
Be Right Accuracy Control
Comfort Feel Safe Peace and Quiet
Freedom New Challenges Independence
Order Predictability Balance
Cleanliness Fairness Be Liked
Emotional Triggers

46. Exercise
Share your top three triggers
and
what happens when they are
sparked.

47. Being Self-Aware
Step One: Be Alert To Your Reactions
Step Two: Discover Why
Step Three: See the Options
a. Ask for what you need
b. Acknowledge what is out of your
control.
c. Discover what you can do to get your
need met.

48. Exercise:
What is the Trigger
Please work together in groups of 4-5.
1. One person describes their challenging situation
2. Each person at the table suggests what is triggering the
person’s reaction.
3. The person picks one trigger and chooses a new response
for future situations
4. Rotate so everyone has a chance to share their situation.
Do not try to fix the situation. DO NOT give any solutions or suggestions.

49. This ends of the first day of our journey.
Tonight, notice how you listen.
Notice what triggers you to stop
listening.
See if you can shift to listening more
deeply.

50. Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Your Plan
What stoodWhat stoodWhat stoodWhat stood out for you today?out for you today?out for you today?out for you today?
WhatWhatWhatWhat can you do to integrate these skillscan you do to integrate these skillscan you do to integrate these skillscan you do to integrate these skills
intointointointo youryouryouryour conversationsconversationsconversationsconversations inininin the future?the future?the future?the future?
Coaching Group

51. LEADING & COACHING
THROUGH THE
DISCOMFORT ZONE
Day 2
Please sit with new people

52. What are you
noticing about your
listening?
Day 2:
Check-In

53. Safety Bubble
Conversation Intention
Emotional Tone
Highest Regard

54. The Discomfort Zone
Their discomfort ranges from slight to
profound; you just need to hold the space for
discovery to take place.

55. Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Shifting Your Emotions
RelaxRelaxRelaxRelax Your Body
DetachDetachDetachDetach From Your Thoughts
CenterCenterCenterCenter Yourself
FocusFocusFocusFocus on How You Want to Feel or Who You
Want to Be

56. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
Relax

57. Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Shifting Your Emotions
Breathe
and Release
the Tension

58. Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Shifting Your Emotions
Detach

59. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
Center

60. FOCUS

61. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com

62. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com

63. Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Shifting Your Emotions
RelaxRelaxRelaxRelax Your Body
DetachDetachDetachDetach From Your Thoughts
CenterCenterCenterCenter Yourself
FocusFocusFocusFocus on How You Want to Feel or Who You
Want to Be

64. Part III.
Listening Below the Surface

65. WHAT IS INTUITION?

66. Processing Centers in
the Nervous System
Heart
Gut
Head

67. Curiosity
(brain)
Beliefs &
assumptions,
about “what is
true”
Listening to Your
Three Centers in
Conversation

68. Care
(heart)
Desires, Values…
Listening to Your
Three Centers in
Conversation
Doubt based on
disappointments,
betrayal
What do they
want or need that
they don’t expect
to get now?

69. Courage
(gut)
Fears,
Attachments
(can’t let go)
What are they
afraid they won’t
get, angry they
didn’t get, or what
they can’t let go of
because it was
important to their
ego?
Listening to Your
Three Centers in
Conversation

70. Care
(heart)
Courage
(gut)
Curiosity
(brain)
Listen to Your Three
Centers When Making
Decisions

71. Care
(heart)
Courage
(gut)
Curiosity
(brain)
Listening to Your
Three Centers in
Conversation
Was one area
harder to listen
from than the
others?
DONDONDONDON’’’’T BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONG

72. Care
Courage
Curiosity
Listening to Your Three
Centers in Conversation
Coherence (presence)
Intention (for them)
Empathy (receiving)

73. To change people’s
minds…

74. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
Coaching – Observing the stories and
patterns that create what the person holds
as “reality” and then determining what
they really need and want.
Meaning-making machine
How Humans Learn About
Themselves
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training

75. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
THEN, reflect and ask about the assumptions,
beliefs, values, desires, fears, and unspoken
needs that create the barrier to getting what
they need and want.
How Humans Learn About
Themselves
Force-Field that
protects meaning
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training

76. Demonstration

77. Practice
Receive, not just listen
Coach the person, not the
external problem or other
people
Have them articulate the new
awareness and what
appears to be true.

78. When you start the
conversation…
AID feedback model
A Action (their behavior)
I Impact (on work or others)
D Desired outcome (what you
want for them that they want
too)

79. Full-Body Presence
Conversation Intention
Emotional Tone
Respect
Handling Resistance

80. EmotionalTriggers
Most often in conversations at work, people react
when they feel they are losing:
Credibility, reputation or respect
A sense of control or predictability (success)
Fairness
Being right (or being made wrong and looking stupid)
Independence (autonomy) and Freedom
Being liked

81. Get them to stop and
think about their
thinking.
To change people’s
minds…
Reflect and ask questions so they
question themselves.
Help them articulate what else could be
true and possible.

82. Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Beginner’s Mind
In the Beginner’s Mind there are
many possibilities,
in the expert, there are few.
-Suzuki Roshi, Zen Mind, Beginners Mind

83. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com

84. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com

85. Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Beginner’s Mind
Give up knowing.
Be curious.
Open your heart and gut.

86. Part IV.
Your Courageous Coaching
Development Plan

87. Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Your Plan
What do you want to focus on as aWhat do you want to focus on as aWhat do you want to focus on as aWhat do you want to focus on as a
part of your leadershippart of your leadershippart of your leadershippart of your leadership
development?development?development?development?

88. Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Your Plan
What can you do to integrate theseWhat can you do to integrate theseWhat can you do to integrate theseWhat can you do to integrate these
skills into the leadershipskills into the leadershipskills into the leadershipskills into the leadership
conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?
Coaching Group

89. Your Plan
They want you to be
present
more than they need
you to be perfect!

90. www.OutsmartYourBrain.com
The best leaders make us feel
uncomfortable and unsure...
and then we grow.