The slides from Matt and Alex

1. What will I cover?
• Causes of anxiety and low self confidence –
proper knowledge is key for real self-
development.
• A practical interpretation of self-esteem and self-
confidence
• The most used model to understand anxiety in
the world
• How to effectively change habits for the better
• Exercises!

2. Causes of Anxiety/Low Self-Confidence
• Parents
• Traumatic Events (usually in youth)
• Lack of experience
• Lifestyle Factors (Matt will cover this)

3. Parents
• First relationships formed and tend to act as a
template for those that follow.
• Relationship with mother-figure shown to have
impact on neurological development
– Moutsiana et al., (2014), Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry
– Moutsiana et al., (2015), Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry
• A poor relationship with primary caregiver can lead
to validation seeking behaviours and/or poor sense
of self agency

4. Traumatic Events
• Usually in youth/adolescence when brain
chemistry is sensitive
• Doesn’t have to be extreme – just traumatic
• Doesn’t even have to be you who suffers it!

5. Self-Confidence
• What is confidence?
– How sure we are of our results
• What affects our confidence?
– Locus
– Controllability
– Stability of traits
• Self-agency and self-efficacy are big indicators
of confidence

6. Self-Confidence
• How confident we feel is how we perceive our
current abilities compared to the desired or
expected outcome
• Think of Gordon Ramsay and a restaurant
critic…
• We must learn to manage our anxiety about
situations to develop enough experience to be
confident in them

7. Cognitive Model of Anxiety
Clark and Wells (1952)

9. Exercise
• Go through this model when thinking about a
situation that causes you anxiety.
• Identify the negative assumptions you make,
the negative thoughts you have during the
situation and safety behaviours you take
• Visualise yourself in this situation if that helps

10. Therapy works here
Focus is shifted
internally
Formed from past
experiences
Often
avoidance
behaviours
• Negative Thoughts
• Anxiety Response
Often a fear of
judgement,
though there
are other
reasons too
Techniques and
Training

11. Lifestyle

12. Confidence
• Being “confident” is NOT a mindset
• Confidence is NOT binary, it is fluid
• Self esteem is about liking yourself, and your life
• People want to be confident, without putting in any
effort, they just want to feel better
• Everything I share with you today, is just what I have
discovered working with my clients over the past 14
years
• The universe does not care about you

13. Confidence is...
• Self discipline (no one cares about what you do)
• Personal responsibility (stop blaming others)
• Competence (be good at stuff)
• Enjoying your life (be fabulous)
• Being nice to people, be of service and of value

14. Be Realistic!

15. We are sold a lie!

16. Mind Traps – Comparison

17. Mind Traps – Comparison
• Facebook is a big PR campaign
• Never compare someone else’s outside, with
your inside
• People who post inspirational quotes, are
probably close to a breakdown
• No need to check into places, take pictures of
your meals or seek attention

18. Mind Traps – Investment

19. Mind Traps – Investment
• We all invest in people, jobs, relationships,
where we live etc
• You do not need to keep investing, you can
change
• You end up resenting others when you do not
get what you need or desire
• Take charge of what you do, who with and
when

20. Mind Traps – I will be happy when
• Society builds up certain things that we are
suppose to achieve
• A lot of my client work is with people who
have not achieved this markers, and believe
they are a failure
• What is right for others, is not necessarily
right for you

21. When I find a partner

22. When I buy a house

23. Take Back Control

24. Clothes and Appearance

25. Clothes and Appearance
• People with high self esteem invest time and
effort in their appearance
• They invest in their clothes and take care of
them
• They maintain high levels of personal hygiene
• How you dress has a massive impact on how
you are treated by others

26. Living Environment

27. Living Environment
• De-clutter, regularly
• Upgrade bedding and pillows
• Have decent lighting
• Make bed every morning
• Have a cleaning schedule

28. Social Life

29. Social Life
• How much time per week do you spend
enjoying yourself
• Are you with the people you want to be with?
• What is something you want to do or learn?
• Where do you want to go?
• Do you have the same week, every week?
• Do you put yourself in challenging situations?

30. Social Life
• The truth is, most people have boring lives but
want to “feel” better but without making any
changes
• Escapism is done through self medication such
as drink, drugs, gaming, TV, Internet etc etc

31. Social Life
• Start to spend time with those you want to
spend time with
• Go on adventures
• Be the one who puts in the effort
• Try to enjoy yourself, all the time

32. Social Life

33. Social Life

34. Social Life

35. Social Life

36. Social Life

37. Social Life

38. Social Life

39. Social Life

40. Social Life

41. Social Life

42. Social Life

43. Social Life

44. Social Life

45. Social Life

46. Time Management

47. Time Management
• You must use some kind of calendar
• Use different colours for different activities
• Blue (work), Green (meals), Orange (fun) Red
(home admin), Pink (Gym)
• Become self disciplined in how you organise and
use your time

48. Time Management
• The more you get put into a calendar, the less
stress you have
• The less stress you have, the more “present”
you can be
• The more you have to look forward to, the
happier and more confident you are

49. Eating, Sleeping and Exercise
• These are the building blocks that should take
priority in your life
• People who are confident, master these
elements
• It is about preparation and self discipline

50. Eating
• If you do not eat properly, then you can not
function
• We often starve ourselves and then eat low
quality, high fat/sugar foods as a reaction
• Some people live off cereal, sandwiches and
take aways
• You do NOT need a nutritionist, you need a
George Foreman Grill, a Nutribullet and
Tupperware!

51. Eating
• Plan your meals in advance
• Make several meals at the same time
• Try to eat at the same time every day
• Keep things simple
• Make as many meals at home as possible

52. Eating

53. Eating

54. Sleeping
• The more you take control of your life, the
better you sleep
• Make sure your bedroom is clean and a nice
environment
• Try to keep the same sleeping hours each
night, including the weekends
• Don’t eat too much (especially sugary food)
before bedtime

55. Exercise
• Schedule in exercise
• Combine activities such as gym and swimming
• Join teams and have a position
• Regularly take measurements
• Seek trainers or those better than you
• Use apps to keep on track

56. Be of service
• People talk about living a passionate life, like it
is something you get from a book or seminar
• They seem to think that you get out of bed in
the morning, full of energy and ready to take
on the world
• Facebook is littered with this nonsense

57. Be of service
• How can you give back and be of value?
• I give talks to other groups
• I go on Podcasts and Radio Shows
• I do Facebook lives
• What can you do?

58. Ian Toothhill

59. Ian Toothhill

60. Ian Toothhill

61. Ian Toothhill

62. Final Tips
• Rather than trying to be confident
• Stop comparing yourself to others
• Spend time with people you like
• Do things that you enjoy
• Be of service and value
• Plan your time
• Eat, sleep and exercise properly
• Remain fabulous at all times!!!

63. Break Time

64. Social Anxiety

65. Social Anxiety
• People with social anxiety usually do no
preparation for events
• They often over drink to feel ore confident,
which an lead to problem
• They will also avoid as many social events as
they can

66. Logistics
• Anxious people are often late and spend a lot
of time apologising
• Plan your travel routes
• Get to places early and familiar yourself with
the surroundings

67. Research
• Who is going?
• What is the dress code?
• What are the topics of discussion?

68. Strategy
• What is your aim of attending?
• What questions have you prepared to talk
about?
• What other preparation and research can you
do?

69. Exercise
• What is an event you are going to attend?
• What research can you do?
• What topics of conversation can you prepare for?
• What is your aim of going?
• What is your outcome?

70. Developing better habits
• Human’s are lazy!
• Habits are reinforced every day, they are
physically a part of our brain structure
• You will most likely fail the first time
• You need to be sure you WANT to change
• Small change is much easier than big change
• It’s easier to add something to a routine than
to take it away

71. Developing better habits
• Write out a list of things you do every day
– Brush teeth
– Buying a coffee
– Have dinner
• Pick the easiest part of a desired new habit
– If you want to get in shape, start with taking a five minute walk
• Attach the habit to an existing routine
– After brushing my teeth, I take a five minute walk
– When ordering a coffee, I will ask the barista how their day is going
• Take 5 minutes to attach a new habit to a routine now

72. Anxiety Management Techniques
• Very practical stage of the talk
• Will show you a technique to tackle negative
thoughts…
• A technique to conquer a fear or anxiety
• And a technique to manage the physical
anxiety response
• But first...

73. Learn to evaluate!
• Those with anxiety or low self confidence are
less likely to seek feedback or criticism
• At least learn to do it yourself!
What Went Right What Went Wrong How to Improve

74. Technique #1 – Negative Thought
Table
• Write Down Fear
• Rate chance of it happening out of 100
• Write down self talk reinforcing that fear
• Write down the consequences if it happened (be
realistic here)
• Write down anything you can do to affect outcome
• Could you cope and how?
Fear Chance/100 Self-Talk Consequences Affect Outcome? Could You Cope?

75. Technique # 2 – Anxiety Hierarchy
• Take a fear or nervous situation and break it
down into stages
• Give each stage an anxiety rating out of 100
• Work through each stage from lowest until
highest
• Here’s an example:

76. Technique #2 – Anxiety Hierarchy
Stage Fear/100
Making Eye Contact 29
Saying hello to a barista at
Costa Coffee 30
Asking that barista how their
day is going 43
Saying hello to a stranger at a
party 60
Asking them about themselves 68
Trying to make that person
laugh 74
Asking to meet that person
again 90

77. Technique # 3 – Discrete Exercise
• This example is an isometric chest exercise
• Very useful for public places (work, tubes, buses
etc.)
• Method (from bodybuilding.com):
1. Bend arms at 90 degree angle, place palms together
in front of chest.
2. Push both hands together, slowly increasing tension.
Hold for 15-30 seconds
3. Release tension slowly. Repeat.
• Other examples available online

78. Final Tips
• Remember, all we that we are is what we are
currently doing
• If you are unsatisfied with your some of your
behaviours, there is probably a reason why
you have them
• But it is your responsibility to change them!
• Plan to be confident in small steps
• Use the information you have been given
tonight!