Domestic Violence

1. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
SESSION 5
Facilitated by Natalie Rascoe

2. Agenda
• Jealousy
• Possessiveness
• Respect
• Responsibility
• Dishonesty
• Ego + Self-esteem
• Grief & Loss

3. Understanding Jealousy
“Jealousy is the largest factor in breaking up
marriages. Jealousy comes about because of the
insecurity of the jealous person and the jealousy
may or may not have foundation. This person is
afraid of hidden communication lines and will do
anything to try to uncover them.”

4. Understanding Jealousy
• Jealousy can create anxiety, anger, loneliness, fear, hate
• NO ONE thinks clearly when jealous
• Jealous behavior makes the partner unattractive, even
repulsive
• Mystery causes pain and makes you assume the worst
• “Will she find someone she likes better than me?”
• “Is she going to leave me?”
• “Does he still think I’m attractive?”

5. Solutions
• Communication is the root of marital success from which a strong union
can grow, and non-communication is the rock on which the ship will
bash out her keel”
• If you feel jealous, you must COMMUNICATE!
• Use communication to resolve the problem
• Express your love through words and show affection through actions
• Resolve mysteries of the past and live in the present
• Stay focused on “realities” and not the fantasies of negative thoughts

6. Possessiveness
• People with borderline or acute personality disorder are all prone to
insecurity and possessiveness
• signs of histrionics and antisocial behavior
• Not in control of their emotions
• There can be an acceptable and healthy level of insecurity or
possessiveness in every relationship

7. Reality Check
• Do you incessantly ask your partner questions like:
where are you, who are you with, what are you doing?
• Are you unnecessarily suspicious of your partner’s
activities?
• Does any interaction with the opposite sex lead to
conflict or violence?
• Do you spy on your partner and cross-check their
whereabouts behind their back?
• Do you ignore attempts to discuss jealous behavior?

8. Tips
• Try to discover the root of your insecurity
• This is typically a learned reaction from parents or previous partners
• Communication your feelings honestly to your loved one
• If your communication seems to be failing, consider seeking
professional help
• Take responsibility for your attitude and behaviors
• Focus on YOU and not what the other person is doing
• YOU are only in control of YOU

9. Respect
• What does respect mean to you?
• How do you get respect from others?
• Do you model respect for your children?
• Do you respect your significant other?
• Do you respect your children?
• What behaviors show respect to self and others?

10. Responsibility
• We are responsible for ALL of our actions
• We are responsible for our thoughts and behavior, whether deliberate
or unintentional
• A responsible person makes mistakes, but when they do, they take
responsibility and make it right

11. True or False
• I do what needs to be done.
• I am reliable and dependable.
• I am accountable for my actions.
• I don’t make excuses or blame others.
• I fulfill my moral obligations.
• I use good judgement and think through consequences of my actions.
• I exercise self-control.

12. Ways to be more responsible
• Be accountable- you are responsible for how you respond to any
situation
• Stop blaming- you have control over yourself
• Acknowledge what happened- integrity earns respect
• Accentuate the positive- what went right instead of what went wrong
• See yourself clearly- acknowledge both strengths and weaknesses
• Say thank you- give praise graciously
• Practice healthy self-focus- reflect gently

13. Dishonesty
• Dishonesty ALWAYS has negative effects in relationships
• Destructive force that should be avoided at all costs
• Affects quality of life and hampers people from fulfilling their
potential
• Dishonesty actually attacks our nervous system
• Psychological turmoil will elevate our negative stress levels
• Closes the door to feeling any emotional enrichment

14. “We tell lies when we are afraid…
afraid of what we don’t know, afraid
of what others will think, afraid of
what will be found out about us. But
every time we tell a lie, the thing that
we fear grows stronger.”

16. Self-esteem vs. Ego
• Self-esteem: how much you like, respect, and accept yourself. Your
concept of how worthy, valuable, loveable, and capable you are in
society
• Internal job of telling yourself how food you are
• Maintaining a firm grip on reality
• Ego: an inflated opinion of yourself and often accompanies by a belief
that your are superior to others
• Telling everyone else how good you are
• Often driven by fear of rejection

17. Ego vs. Self-esteem
• Self-esteem:
• You are born with it and have it as a child until it is wounded
• It takes years to find it and remember the self-esteem you had as a child
• Feed off of nothing, it is self-sustaining
• Innate human attribute
• Ego:
• A rational construct that we devise as a substitute for self-esteem
• Making money, gaining status, attention, allow us to tell ourselves we have
confidence
• Feeds off continual attention, accolades, good reactions, etc.
• Man made psychological construct

18. What is Grief?
• Grief is a normal and natural, though deeply painful, response to loss
• Everybody goes through the grieving process differently
• How you grieve depends on:
• Your personality
• Your coping style and mechanisms
• Your life experiences
• Your faith
• The nature of the loss
• What you have learned from others

19. Loss is not only due to death…
• Any loss can cause grief including:
• A divorce or break up
• Loss of a cherished dream
• Loss of health
• Loss of financial stability
• A love one’s serious illness
• Loss of a friendship
• Death of a pet
• A miscarriage
• Loss of safety after trauma

20. 5 STAGES OF GRIEF
Denial– I cant believe this is happening to me
Anger– Why is this happening to me? Who’s fault is this?
Bargaining– make this not happen and I will…
Depression– I can’t handle this. I am too sad to do anything
Acceptance– I am at peace and accept what has happened

22. Symptoms of Grief
• Shock and disbelief
• Sadness
• Guilt
• Anger
• Fear
• Physical symptoms

23. Take care of yourself by:
• Facing and expressing your feelings
• Look after your physical health
• Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel
• Don’t tell yourself how to feel
• Plan ahead for grief triggers like holidays, birthdays, etc.

24. Understanding the loss process
• There is no set timetable for grieving
• Talk openly about the person lost
• Ask sensitive and appropriate questions without being nosy
• Knowing how to listen is the most important thing you can do
• Express concern and empathy
• Be willing to sit in silence
• Offer your support open-endedly
• Don’t assume you know how they feel

25. Warning signs for professional help
• Difficulty functioning in every day life
• Extreme focus on death
• Excessive bitterness, anger, and guilt
• Alcohol/drug abuse or increased use
• Neglecting personal hygiene
• Inability to enjoy life
• Hallucinations and intrusive thoughts
• Detaching/withdrawing from others
• Talking about committing suicide

26. Questions to ask yourself:
• What do I want?
• What do I do now?
• What is my purpose/mission/goal in life?
• What symbol, experience, or belief do I need in order to allow the
inevitable changes of life to unfold?
• Self discipline is absolutely necessary for coping well and meeting
new responsibilities

27. Ways to help a child through grief:
• Children learn how to grieve by watching adults
• Children need support, stability, and honesty
• Reassurance they will be safe and cared for is critical
• Answer questions truthfully
• Use simply, honest, and concrete words to explain the loss

28. We don’t “move on” from grief. We move
forward with it

29. Discussion Topics