Conflict resolution 2014 class 101

Conflict Resolution 101
Rita Sterling & Eileen Clift
Transformative Results
7/17/14

Table of Contents
• Conflict Exercise #1
• Understanding Conflict
• Conflict Exercise #2
• Conflict Resolution
Decision Process
• Constructive Feedback
Loop
• How to Give
Constructive Feedback
• Understanding Other’s
Perceptions
• Constructive Feedback
Guidelines
• Managing Expectations
re: Behavior Change
• Conflict Resolved or
Unresolved?
• Exercise: Barriers to
Giving Feedback
• What if You Are The
Receiver of Feedback?
TransformativeResults.com 2

Personal Reflection – What is Your
Experience of How You Resolve Conflict?
Experience First
To Engage With The Topic

Conflict Exercise #1
The following two pages contain a series of open-ended statements intended to
help you discover and share your reactions to conflict and your ways of dealing
with it. Find a partner for this exercise. You will both learn from each other’s
responses.
The ground rules to be followed:
1. Take turns initiating the discussion.
First, Partner #1 answers an item. Then Partner #2 answers the same
item. Complete each statement orally. Do not write you answers.
2. This discussion is confidential.
3. Do not look ahead on this sheet.
4. Do not skip items. Respond to each one in the order in which it appears.
First, read on your own, silently. When both you and your partner have finished
reading silently, you may begin to converse about your answers.
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1. The time I felt best about dealing with conflict was when…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. When someone disagrees with me about something important or challenges me
in front of others I usually…
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3. When I get angry, I…
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4. When I think of negotiating, I….
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5. The most important outcome of conflict is…
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6. I usually react to negative criticism by…
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7. When I confront someone I care about, I…
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8. I feel most vulnerable during a conflict when…
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9. I resent…
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10. When someone avoids conflict with me, I…
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11. My greatest strength in handling conflict is…
Conflict Exercise #1 Pg. 1 of 2

Conflict Exercise #1 Pg. 1 of 2
12. When things are not going well I tend to…
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13. I imagine that you (your partner) handle most conflict by…
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14. (check out your prediction with your partner)
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15. I will sometimes avoid unpleasant situations by (explain)…
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16. I am most apt to confront people in situations such as…
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17. I usually hide or camouflage my feelings when…
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18. My greatest weakness in handling conflict is…
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19. When I think about confronting a potentially unpleasant person, I…
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20. I sometimes avoid directly confronting someone when…
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21. I am most likely to assert myself in situations that…
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22. By next year I would like to be able to handle conflict better by improving my ability to…
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23. Right now, I’m feeling…

Understanding Conflict
Why is Conflict Inevitable?
What are the Causes of Conflict?

Conflict is inevitable – we all have differences. Everyone
needs to feel understood, nurtured, and supported.
– The ways in which these needs are met vary widely.
– Differing needs create some of the most severe challenges in
our personal and professional relationships.
• The needs of both parties play important roles in the long-
term success of most relationships, and each deserves
respect and consideration.
– In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing
needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups.
– In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of
bitter disputes, sometimes resulting in broken deals, fewer
profits and lost jobs.
• In addition to needs as a source of conflict, here are some
more sources….
8

Understanding Conflict: Potential Causes
• Access to resources
• Assumptions
• Beliefs
• Communication gaps
• Desires
• Direction
• Expectations
• Goals
• Ideas
• Ideologies
• Interests
• Methods/Approach
• Motivations
• Needs
• Perceptions
• Personality
• Values
• World View/Philosophy
Conflict occurs when people disagree over a clash of:

• A conflict is more than just a disagreement.
– It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat (whether
or not the threat is real) such as a threat to getting one’s needs met.
• Conflicts continue to fester when ignored.
– Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and
survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them.
• We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation
– not necessarily to an objective review of the facts.
– Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values,
and beliefs.
• Conflicts trigger strong emotions.
– If you aren’t comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them
in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully.
• Conflicts are an opportunity for growth.
– When you’re able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust.
– You can feel secure knowing your relationship can survive challenges
and disagreements.
10
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq8_conflict_resolution.htm

Conflict Resulting From Deep Personal Need
Sometimes differences appear trivial, but when a
conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal
need is often at the core of the problem.
• These needs can be:
– a need to feel safe and secure
– a need to feel respected and valued
– a need to have power over one’s life
– a need for greater closeness
and intimacy
11

Conflict Exercise #2
Think of a conflict you have had that conjured up strong
emotions and that you at least attempted to resolve.
1. Describe the conflict situation and your initial reaction to it.
2. Who was the conflict with?
3. What did they do to “push your buttons”?
4. What emotions did you feel (anger, disgust, fear, betrayed,
disrespected, belittled, etc.).
5. Describe how you gave them feedback.
6. What were the results of your attempt at resolving the issue?
12

Conflict Resolution Decision Process
ACTIVATING EVENT: Someone does
something to make you angry.
How to decide if you want to give
feedback or just avoid the issue?

CR Decision Process – Step #1
ANALYZE THE SITUATION
• What has happened?
• What emotions came up?
• What might be the motivation of the
other person? What need(s) are they
trying to get met even if they don’t go
about it in a way that you like?
• What is the root issue?
–(see potential causes for conflict)
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ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS TO DECIDE IF THIS IS A CONFLICT YOU
WANT TO WORK AT RESOLVING:
• Do you need to address this or will it resolve on its own without
intervention?
• Is it worth the effort? Why? Are you “choosing your battles” wisely?
• What level of emotional intimacy do you desire with this person?
• If not resolved, will your relationship with the other person suffer and
does that matter to you?
– How important is this relationship to you? What is your level of desire/need to
maintain this relationship?
– What impact will this have to you personally and professionally?
– What impact will it have on others around you?
• Is it even possible to resolve this conflict?
– How willing and able are both parties to change as needed based on this
conflict?
– Is this a deep personality issue or belief that you know the other person has
no desire and/or ability to change?
– Has the other person betrayed you and you know you will never be able to
forgive them? Some betrayals run way too deep.
15

ASSESS NEXT STEPS
If after answering the questions above,
you feel you need to talk this out with
the offending person go to “How To Give
Constructive Feedback”.
If you are not sure yet, discuss with a
confidant or two and journal your
thoughts and feelings until you are sure
what you want to do.
16

Constructive Feedback Loop
Intentions/
Attitudes
Actions/
Behaviors
Results/
Outcomes
Feedback
Through on-going and constructive
feedback, individuals learn about the
effect their behavior has on others and
on the team's success.
The most important guideline when
providing feedback is to be specific
and deal only with what you can
observe: behaviors/actions and
results. Even though intentions play
an important role in actions, they are
too nebulous and too easily
misinterpreted. You cannot observe
someone’s intentions.

How to Give Constructive Feedback
Review the constructive feedback model, then use it
with your conflict person:
1 - Raise the issue
(“I’d like to talk about something with you, is this a good time?”)
2 - Describe the specifics
(“When you..., the result is…, and I feel…)
3 – Ask about their perception of the situation
How do you see the situation/what is your perspective?”)
4 - Paraphrase back to the person your understanding of what
they have just said to decrease any misunderstandings.
(“So, from your perspective…”)
6 - Discuss potential solutions re: new behavior
(“In the future, how can we…? I might also suggest…”)
6 - Agree on an action plan
(“Okay, so I’ll. and you’ll …, do you agree? Anything else we should discuss?”)
7 - Make plans to follow up if appropriate
(“Let’s address this again in a month and see how things are going.”)
18

How to Give Constructive Feedback
• As you understand the other person’s perspective, and they
understand yours, you are better able to find a resolution to the
conflict -- a solution you both can live with.
• In cases where the conflict was based on a misunderstanding or a
lack of insight to the other’s point of view, a simple apology can
work wonders, and an open discussion can bring people closer
together.
• Other times, there is a little more work required. In cases where
there’s a conflict about an issue and both people don’t agree, you
have a few options:
– sometimes you can agree to disagree
– you can find a compromise or middle ground
– the person who feels more strongly about an issue may get their way,
with the understanding that they will concede the next time.
• The important thing is to come to a place of understanding, and try
to work things out in a way that’s respectful to all involved.
19

Examples of Describing the Specifics
Here are some examples of describing the
specifics:
– “When you arrive late (their behavior), I have to
wait (the impact on you), and I feel frustrated (the
resulting emotions).”
– “When you tell the kids they can do something
that I’ve already forbidden (their behavior), some
of my authority as a parent is taken away (the
impact on you), and I feel undermined (the
resulting emotions).”
20

Understanding Other’s Perceptions
• How to uncover the other person’s perceptions:
– “Could you please explain that further?”
– “Please describe your perception of the situation.”
– “Let me share with you my perception and you give me
your reaction to it.”
– “Tell me how you see it.”
– “What are you witnessing that causes you to view the
situation the way you do?”
– “Can you give me an example to help me understand?”
– “How do you think your perception compares to others?”
– “What assumptions might we be making here?”

Constructive Feedback Guidelines
• KNOW YOUR GOAL: What is your desired outcome for this
interaction? What goal do you have for this relationship? Be ready
to explain that goal to the other person. “I want to have a better
working relationship with you so we both can be successful.”
• SEEK PERMISSION: Whenever possible, feedback that is requested
is more powerful. Ask permission to provide feedback. Say, "Are
you up for feedback on your presentation?" What is the emotional
bank account that you have with this person? Will they give you
the “right” to give them feedback, i.e. will they listen to you? Will
they get defensive? Are you ready to deal with their defensiveness?
If not, get coaching.
• PAY ATTENTION TO TIMING & LOCATION: Effective feedback is well
timed and given at an appropriate location (not in front of other
people). Provide the information as closely tied to the event as
possible. Select a place that is sensitive to the potential emotional
reactions of the receiver and their self-esteem. Don't confront
someone in a public setting or when uninvolved people are present.
22

• BE SINCERE: The best feedback is sincerely and honestly provided
to help. Trust me, people will know if they are receiving it for any
other reason. Some people give feedback that is not sincere but is
focused on the emotional and psychological release they get from
giving feedback.
• BE SPECIFIC: Effective feedback is specific, not general. Instead of
saying "You aren't being very professional," say, "Punctuality is very
important to me and you came in 20 minutes late this morning and
were 20 minutes late for our staff meeting." Explain what you are
witnessing as if you were watching through a movie camera.
• FOCUS ON BEHAVIORS: Effective feedback always focuses on a
specific behavior, not a judgment of the person or their intentions.
(When you held competing conversations during the meeting, when
Mary had the floor, you distracted the people in attendance.)
• ADDRESS CHANGEABLE BEHAVIOR: Successful feedback describes
actions or behavior that the individual can do something about.
23

Constructive Feedback Guidelines (Cont’d)
• USE I-BASED STATEMENTS: Start with "I" vs. "You". Ex: "I didn't
understand what you said." vs. "You didn't explain that very clearly.“
You-based statements create defensive reactions, increases conflict,
and prevents a problem-solving mode.
• EXPLAIN YOUR OBSERVATION vs GIVE ADVICE: Effective feedback
involves the sharing of information and observations. It does not
include advice unless you have permission or advice was requested.
Constructive feedback is not criticism; it is descriptive and should
always be directed to the action, not the person.
• AVOID INTERPRETING MOTIVATION: Effective feedback involves
what or how something was said or done, not why. Asking why is
asking people about their motivation and that provokes
defensiveness. Plus, some motives are subconscious - the person
won’t know their real motivation.
• CHECK UNDERSTANDING: Check to make sure the other person
understood what you communicated by paraphrasing, asking, or
observing changed behavior.
24

• BE CONSISTENT: Effective feedback is as consistent as possible. If
the actions are inappropriate today, they're inappropriate
tomorrow.
• PRIORITIZE: Understand the amount of information that the person
receiving the feedback can use, rather than on the amount of
feedback you might like to give. Prioritize - people usually can’t
handle more than 3 areas for improvement at a time.
• ADMIT CONTRIBUTION: Figure out where you went wrong or how
you may have contributed to the conflict. Admit it early on.
• DO NOT VENT: Don’t “vomit” your emotional reaction to their
behavior, do that with a third party or write a letter that you won’t
give to anyone just to get your upset feelings out.
• JOINTLY GENERATE ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS: Jointly explore
alternatives rather throwing out your solution(s). Usually people
don’t like being told what to do and they want a part in determining
the solution.
25

THE PROCESS OF CHANGE IN
How People Learn New Habits
Become aware of the need to change
Learn new skill, coping mechanisms, new perspective
Notice afterwards that you should have used the new skill
Recognize while happening but too bothered by the situation to use the new skill
Notice afterwards that you should have used the new skill more effectively
Recognize while happening and try new skill - works poorly or moderately well
Recognize while happening & practice new skill successfully
Sustain change under unstressful circumstances
Sustain change under stressful circumstances
New behavior imprinted
Frustrated
Optimistic
Disappointed
Fearful
Hopeful
Discouraged
Encouraged
Successful
Proud
“Second Nature”
FEELINGS:
Managing Expectations re: Behavior Change

Conflict Resolved or Unresolved?
Has the conflict been resolved? If so, move on with your life. If your
attempts at resolving the conflict have failed, you may need to:
1. Engage a third party mediation coach or a therapist
2. Have less interaction with the person
• Example: a co-worker who is not leaving our workplace any time soon
3. Set better boundaries
• Example: When dealing with difficult family members, on the other hand,
adding a few boundaries and accepting the other person’s limitations in the
relationship can bring some peace.
or
2. Cut ties completely
• Example: cases of abuse - simple conflict resolution techniques can only take
you so far, and personal safety needs to take priority.
• Example: in friendships that are unsupportive, inconsiderate of your needs, or
contain power struggles, letting go may be a great source of stress relief.
Only YOU can decide if a relationship can be improved through effective conflict resolution,
or should be let go.
27

Place a check in the boxes next to these you have fallen prey to at some point.
Exercise:
Barriers to Giving Feedback
I am afraid of how the other person will
receive and respond to my feedback so I
avoid giving it at all.
I am not perfect, so who am I to judge
anyone else’s behavior?
I have let the situation go on too long and I
am afraid I will blow up with anger if I try to
handle it now.
I’ll just get my message across indirectly by
using sarcasm or by joking.
If I give my leader constructive feedback, it
may be used against me at my next
performance appraisal.
If I wait long enough the situation might
resolve itself so I don’t have to do
anything about it.
It takes so much time to give feedback
effectively, I’d rather pick up the slack
than take the time to correct another’s
behavior.
Since I don't like to receive feedback, I
assume no one else does. Therefore, I'll
ignore the problem.
There never seems to be a "right" time to
give feedback so I'll just wait (and wait,
and wait...).

What if You Are The Receiver of Feedback?
Assessing the validity of the feedback
Understanding the bigger picture of
feedback
How to receive feedback

Valid Feedback
Unjustified Feedback
Vague Feedback
One tendency in responding to valid feedback is to give it more heed
than necessary, to make it more important than it really is. We must
recognize that we all make mistakes. It is helpful to keep in mind that
the more active and fruitful our lives, the more likely we will be to make
some mistakes and hence, to receive feedback. Avoiding action simply
to avoid the risk of making mistakes is a defeatist and unproductive
alternative.
May come as a result of our not living up to someone else's fantasy.
Often, people do not communicate their expectations of us, and thus, we
are vulnerable to disappointing them. But this is their fault, not ours.
Moreover, for feedback to be genuinely helpful, it must be expressed in
specific, concrete terms, so that we can understand the expectations and
take appropriate action if we so choose.
May simply indicate a difference of opinion. In this type of feedback, the
critic is often someone who thinks his/her values and methods of doing
something are better than yours. Feedback of this kind may act as an
effective cover for more deeply held feelings such as jealousy, fear of the
unknown, insecurity, or arrogance. But it is important for us to address
this type of feedback as well as the other types, because our critic may
have legitimate feelings that need to be worked out. In short, this sort of
feedback may suggest more about our critic than it does about us.
Assessing Feedback Someone Has Given You

95%
5%
Usually, behavioral areas for improvement just represent a sliver of
how we behave. When we receive feedback, sometimes it feels like
we are being told our behavior is 95% bad. Remember, you have
great qualities and assuming the feedback is valid, you probably
have only 1-3 areas for improvement.
Understanding the Bigger Picture of What is Going On?

How to Receive Feedback
Listen carefully. Listen for the whole message.
Affirm the other's feeling, for ex: paraphrasing to
diffuse emotions. Control your impulse to deny or
explain before you've heard the other person's
position.
Develop an awareness of the impact of their
feedback on you physically and emotionally. Don't
take any criticism personally. Breathe and relax.
Try not to overreact or get defensive, but mentally
note questions or disagreements for later
discussion.
Repeat back what you think you hear to check your
perception or understanding by using your own
words.
Ask questions for clarification and ask for examples
in those areas which are unclear or in which
disagreement exists. "What exactly do you find
inappropriate about my behavior?" "How do you
think it could have been done differently?"
Liberally use the phrase "Tell me more."

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