Bawdy Sexual Advice by Dr. Bawdy

FROM THE DESK OF DR. CELESTIAL BAWDY

DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT

THE LATEST

AND MOST SHOCKING

REVELATIONS ABOUT HUMAN SEXUAL BEHAVIOR

“Who the hell is Dr Bawdy,” you might ask?
Are you one of the few who don’t know who Dr. Bawdy is? After taking a moment to recover
from your embarrassment, read on.

Dr. Celestial Bawdy, DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT, is an esteemed scientist of human behavior who
mysteriously vanished more than 150 years old, and, after a brief sojourn in the nether — sphere,
suddenly reappeared on earth to share his life’s work with archivist and historian Lawrence
Paros.

Dr. Bawdy is here to serve you—to help guide you through the shoals of ignorance surrounding
the issue of sex and enable you to better understand what's happening, sexually speaking in
today’s culture.

IT Girl
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

When I asked my husband today why he doesn’t do “IT” more often, he simply shrugged his
shoulders, got up from the kitchen table and took the garbage out. What am I doing or saying
wrong?

— IT Girl, Waukegan, WI

Dear IT Girl,

You and your husband are hampered by a limited venereal vocabulary. It’s time you finally got with IT ,
to say nothing of also getting over IT — if you know what I mean. There are thousands of words for IT
which better convey what you mean and what you are looking for. Start by purchasing several copies of
our good book. Study IT religiously. Apply its principles, and I can guarantee that you will never have
trouble with IT again.

Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog
www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog

Bollixed Up
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

I am hung like a tic-tac-if you know what I mean. How exactly do I take my pebbles, marbles,
love apples, acorns, or whatever you call them, and make something out of them by finally
growing a set of balls?

— Bollixed Up, Seattle, WA

Dear Bollixed Up,

To be a man today means having real cajones, the size of watermelons. This is often equated
with courage, though admittedly, a rather strange place in which to carry it.

Growing a set of balls is no easy task. You can either send for a case of our testicle seeds which
should be planted and watered daily. The other alternative is to just get a fucking life

Once accomplished, your balls will then be evident for one and all to see. Sorry to be such a —
you should pardon the expression—“ball breaker,” but Dr. Bawdy calls ‘em the way he seez ‘em.


Whacked Out
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

Masturbation has me confused. Is it self-pleasure or self-abuse? And why do people talk about
the price you’ll have to pay for doing it? How much exactly is it? I live on a limited budget.

— Whacked Out, Bradford, ME

Dear Whacked Out,
Not to worry your little head about it — whichever mood you’re in creates the moment. For most
of us, it’s a little bit of each. As to the price, that’s completely up to you—spend as little or as
much as you like.


Woody
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

Why is a boner a synonym for both a hard-on and an error?

— Woody, Peoria, IL

Dear Woody,

Like the cigar that’s only a cigar (OOPS, I forgot about Bill and Monica), a boner is sometimes only a
mistake — nothing less, nothing more. Things simply have a way of unexpectedly rising to the occasion.
Boners like shit often just happen. Don’t read too much into it. That may be hard to take, but do so… and
just move on.


Pet Sensitive
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

My local SPCA chapter objects to my spanking the monkey, slamming the seal, and choking the
chicken. Are there less objectionable practices?

— Pet Sensitive, Chelsea, MA

Dear Pet Sensitive,

There’s always patting the pup, stroking the bunny, and tickling the kitty. They should all pass
muster. That failing, take the situation firmly in hand, reject the ideological rigidity of the pet
freaks, and just simply bang away.


Orally Challenged
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

On your suggestion, my girl friend and I tried that oral sex thing out the other night. What a
bummer! I came in her ear, and she couldn’t hear a word for the entire next week. What am I
doing wrong?

— Orally Challenged, Pettysville, MI

Dear Orally Challenged,

You have confused oral sex with otic sex. Get the wax out of your ears, buddy, and get with the
program. Take a Q-tip from me. The Bawdy Language approach may suck but it’s still the
universal tongue of couples worldwide.

Construction Novice
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

I knocked up my old lady, and she now wants me to make an honest woman of her. How exactly
do I do that?

—Construction Novice, Evanston, IL

Construction Novice,

Send for our plans ($3.95 plus s/h): “Making an Honest Woman,” part 64, subsection (a),
paragraph 32. Follow the instructions to the detail.

There’s nothing complicated about it. It’s so simple a child can do it, maybe even a crocodile. Some
assembly required. Batteries not included.

Encyclopedist
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

My husband and I have given names to our private parts. Is that normal?

— Encyclopedist, Webster Grove, MO

Dear Encyclopedist,

Absolutely! And you have a wide range of possibilities to select from. What you call them,
however, should reflect their unique talents

Included among my favorite couples are: Emmy and Oscar, Tristan and Isolde, Fred and Ginger,
Arthur and Guinevere, Homer, and Marge, and Fred and Wilma.

You can also name them for forces in the culture such as “Third Wave” and “Information age” or
for particular attributes for which they are best known. I call my penis affectionately, “Pride.”
After all is said and done, the one thing I am still left with is my pride… Please send my best to
Punch and Judy.

Wool Gatherer
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

I’m just a farm boy down here in Iowa. It gets pretty lonely on cold, dark, winter nights; so I’ve
made good friends with one of my sheep – if you know what I mean. What do you have to say
about that?

— Wool Gatherer, Keokuk, IA

Dear Wool Gatherer,

You won’t get any ba-a-a-as from me on it. Hey, whatever turns ewe on! We just calls ‘em the
way we sees ‘em.

Short-Sighted
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

Why does “seeing someone” mean that you are also doing them?

— Short-Sighted, Tuscaloosa, AL

Dear Short-Sighted,

Nine out of ten ophthalmologists recently surveyed reported that seeing someone meant you
were fucking them. They attributed this to a full screening and thorough annual eye examination
by a licensed health care provider.

Fucking well is a direct function of your vision, meaning it’s important that you see (I mean
“visit”) your eye doctor regularly. Proper vision increases the likelihood of the phenomenon
called “love at first sight.” Without it you wouldn’t even be able to “first set eyes on someone.”

Nothing is more important to a relationship than love at first sight. It’s a highly efficient
procedure, one which saves both parties lots of time, having to really know one another. You
know the drill: Fuck first, ask questions later.

Less common is when people who know each other a long time still continue to look at one another. Now,
that’s something really fuckin’ remarkable and really outa sight!

Strokeless
Dear Dr. Bawdy,
I love it when my husband plays with my clit — especially when he can find it. But last week, he
suddenly stopped doing it. When I asked him why, he said that he was a follower of your dictum,
"If you can’t say it, you can't do it." …And darned, if he can’t find the words to describe what
he's doing. When I asked him why that was, he simply grinned and said, "I just can't put my
finger on it." Is that some kind of joke or something?

— Strokeless, Missoula, MT

Dear Strokeless,
Humor is in the eye of the beholder, and, in this case, it's tucked away deep in the creases of his
mind. Being the last word on the subject, it is incumbent on me to come up with something, so
let me propose "Tickle me Elmo." Or "Touch and Glow."

If these phrases don't suit his fancy, and yours too, I suggest taking up a different recreational activity,
perhaps anal sex where the object under consideration is more easily visible and accessible, and hence
more easily named.


Word-Challenged
Dear Dr. Bawdy,
My boyfriend recently called me a "cunt." Should I be angry over that?

— Word-Challenged, Oshkosh, WI

Dear Word-Challenged,
Words at times fail, even for the best of us. Allow me to answer your query by resorting to the
contemporary argot: "Yo Ho! What kind of fuckin' retard are you anyhow?"

Hung Up
Dear Dr. Bawdy,
My wife and I haven’t done the deed in years. Memories of sex are beginning to fade fast. Not
knowing what else to do, I asked my son to take me to a prostitute. He's agreed and I'm ready
and rarin' to go.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to speak prostitute-ise. I feel like a visitor to a foreign country.
Could you provide me with a few key phrases and tips for how I should express myself?
— Hung Up, Edina, MN

Dear Hung-Up,

The language is quite basic. You have simply to master the following:

"Leave it on top of the dresser."

"We take Visa, MC and Amex."

"Prices are subject to change without notice."

"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."

"You show me yours… "

"What’ll you have?"

"Do not try this at home."

And "That’ll be extra."

A proper response to any of the above should consist of no more than a simple snort or grunt of
approval.

Do not ask, "How’s tricks?"

If she should inquire as to "Paper or plastic?" chances are, you are in the wrong place.

Yes We Can
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

My husband and I are severe Republicans who simply adore Mitt Romney. We are looking to
find ways to express our support for him sexually. Do you have any suggestions?

— Yes We Can, Leavenworth, Kansas

Dear Yes We Can,

I love your positive attitude. It’s the mind-set that has made America special. Obama may have
his auto bailout. But Republicans have auto-eroticism. And its centerpiece is the woman. This is
after all, the year of the woman for the party.

Let the partying begin! Start the proceeding with a little foreplay doggy style. Then have your
husband tie you securely to the top of the car, hop back in and proceed to floor it, hitting high
speeds until you have achieved orgasm. Indicate same with a high piercing scream, hopefully
heard above the din of the traffic.

After-play is important. He should lower you down from the roof and hose you down.
Affectionate petting is also recommended. He should reward any cooing with a 64 oz. slurpy of
your choice at the nearest Seven Eleven.

One caveat: Do not attempt this with lesser brands of vehicles. Lexus suggested, Cadillac
Escalade is acceptable in a pinch. No hybrids, electric cars or other gimmicks.

Confused Fear Monger
Dear Dr. Bawdy,

I’m beside myself with fear and confusion. My daughter has developed a passionate interest in
theater and become sexually involved with an actress from Beirut.

I wasn’t born yesterday and know how those Lebanese are with their butch haircuts and flat
chests—out to convert innocent girls like my daughter to their sexual orientation.

I asked my priest who says it’s all part of a larger terrorist plot to subvert America from the
bottom up. What shall I do?

— Confused Fear Monger, San Diego

Dear Confused Fear Monger,

You have a serious gap in your venereal vocabulary. I strongly suggest that you bone up on
(please pardon the expression) the L word. Carefully read the Good Book (You certainly know
of what I speak, there being, after all, only one), especially the chapters on The Gender Gap, Let
Me Count the Ways, and One of a Kind. Study and master the principles contained therein and
before you can say, “dyke,” you will have attained same-sex nirvana.

As to the girls’ perverted interest in theater-not to worry-it’s nothing more than a couple of
aspiring thespians doing their thing.

Meanwhile, tell your priest not to get his cassock in a twist over it. Suggest a friendly chat with
his favorite altar boy for a fresh perspective on things.

Advice to the Newly Pubescent Male

Introduction

Congratulations my lad, on the new addition to your family!
Say hello to your new penis. You say you already have a penis. Agreed, but it’s nothing like this
one. This is the new and improved model, with features you have never experienced before. This
is penis 12.0, or as some like to call it, “Your penis on steroids.” And this, my dear boy, is your
User’s Manual.

Basic Operating Principles:

Your Penis has a mind of its own.

It does not know right from wrong.

The Plague of the Young Penis

Most penises this age suffer from Inattention Anxiety Disorder (IAD). This can cause him to act
out in public, engaging in uppity and unruly behavior. This is no trifling matter. An aggressive
young penis can ruin your relationships with others. The answer to IAD is a happy, well-adjusted

penis, which is where you come in. It is your job to insure that he is happy, well balanced, and
worn out.

Housebreaking your penis

Housebreaking your penis is not the easiest thing in the world. It takes time, patience, and
perseverance. It’s not something that happens overnight. Remember, your penis doesn’t have
much self-control, penises vary in volatility. No matter how diligent you are, accidents will
happen.

 Create a setting for your penis in which he feels safe and comfortable and in which you
can properly supervise him. His regular habitat should be a proper nestling place, such as
warm briefs or boxer shorts, unsoiled and in which he can feel relaxed and uninhibited,
hang about and just be himself.

 Provide him with ample opportunity for play. How would you feel confined in a
constricted dark space for most of your waking hours, shut off from fresh, cool air and
the light of day? Be sure and give him plenty of exercise. A run in the park with other
penises is a good start in helping to keep him happy and stimulated.

 Designate a specific spot and a time for one-on-one penis play. This spot should be
private and free of distractions. He most appreciates your full and undivided attention
during this special time between you two. Make sure to provide your penis with some
appealing playthings and stimulating activities to help hold his interest. Joint
visualization can do wonders for your relationship and enhance the bonding process.

 Be fully prepared for these private tete a tetes. Must-have items include several boxes of
kleenex, extra pairs of socks, a fresh bed sheet, screen-clean a soft cloth for your monitor,
a glove for your mouse, and plastic sheeting for your keyboard. He does have a tendency
to get a bit rambunctious and out of hand during these times. It is important that you
contain his exuberance; hence the supplies

 Early interactive socialization of your penis with people is important. He is new to people
and their prompts. Learn to give him a “hurry up” command, especially when you hear a
knock on the door and the query, “What are you doing in there?” Eventually, your penis
will become conditioned to retreat when hearing this phrase.

 What to do if he has an accident? Talk firmly but gently with him. He feels as bad about
it as you do. He doesn’t handle guilt very well. Show some understanding. It’s your
responsibility for not having properly supervised him.

 Practice Behavior modification. When your penis behaves properly and acts in a
restrained and orderly fashion, reward him with a gentle pat or two and a “Good penis!”
said as if you truly mean it. Praise him warmly and enthusiastically. Conversely, scold
him in a firm but non-retributive manner when he slips up, “Bad Penis!” It may take an
occasional whack across the snout to get his full attention, but he’ll soon get the message.

The general rule of penisdom is patience at all times.. He simply doesn’t know any better. Your
job is to help show him the way, to introduce him to the ways of the world and whatever else he
needs to become happy, well balanced, and social. You are the boss of him, and not the other
way around.


Dr. Bawdy’s Top Ten (Plus Three) Hot Tips: Sex after 90 for
First Timers

1. Darken the room. Close your eyes. Sex between people over 90 ain’t pretty.
2. Dress is critical; flannel, de rigueur. Avoid nightgowns or pajamas with Hello Kitty on
them.
3. Remove your dentures. This can keep you from accidentally swallowing them during a
critical moment or having them inadvertently slip out and attach themselves to an
embarrassing part belonging to your partner.
4. Have a feather duster nearby to clean away assorted cobwebs and dust which have
accumulated since you last had sex.

5. Put an LP of patriotic music on your record player. Turn up to full volume. This is a sure
way to get the attention of long dormant organs. “Wake up, wake up, you sleepy head.”
6. Remove all IV tubes, lest your partner get the wrong idea.
7. Use a fine lubricant. Have you considered axle grease?
8. Let it all hang out. (It probably will anyway.)
9. Avoid positions such as 69 or reduce them proportionately to the age of the practitioners.
33 1/3 rpm might work better for you.
10. Do not light up after sex, especially if your oxygen tanks are nearby.
11. Condoms? You never know. Child-support can be a bitch at any age.
12. Be brave. Forget about death. You could be coming and going at the same time. Such a
deal!
13. Now that you are no longer a first-timer, consider taking up swinging.

Footnote to History

As a professional historian, I have dedicated my life’s work to honoring great figures lost in the
shuffle of time —bringing to the forefront little-known people who have had a profound effect

Lawrence Paros, Authority on Dr. Bawdy
on our lives and how we see the world. Celestial Bawdy was one such personage.

One day in July 1991, I was working on the screenplay for a motion picture based on his life (To
be directed by Ang Lee or Martin Scorsese, with Brad Pitt cast as Celestial), when I heard a
pounding at my front door. I opened it to find an old disheveled figure standing before me
clutching a ream of papers. “I believe you were looking for these,” he said, handing them to me.

“Let me introduce myself,” he said. “I am Sir Celestial Bawdy.”

“How can that be?” I asked. “You’re 150 years old.”

“You’re fucking-A right,” he responded. “Agreed, this is some pretty weird shit, but suck it up
kid. I’m back and here to stay. You have been tapped to be my conduit—to continue my work;
create a platform for my ideas, and spread them far and wide. For my part, I will give you
complete access to my papers, and write a regular advice column, providing you each day with
new and insightful suggestions for humankind. You, in turn, will tweet and blog and do
whatever you people do to get the word out—whatever it takes to spread the gospel of Bawdy far
and wide through those internet tubes—to make it the universal language, teaching others how to
live, thereby elevating all of humankind in the process.”

I agreed. Our destinies are now joined. Our voices are one. That’s the way it is.

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