Working with consensual non-monogamy including open and polyamorous relationships

1. Cultural Competence with
Consensually Non-Monogamous
Relationships: Beyond the Dyad
Steve Schoser, LPCC
steve.schoser@gmail.com
Dr. Sheila Addison, LMFT
sheila.m.addison@gmail.com
Presented at ACA 2016, Montreal, QC, Canada

2. Learning Objectives
Attendees will be able to:
1. Describe a variety of consensually non-
monogamous (CNM) relationships clients may
engage in, and concepts common to various
CNM relationship types.
2. Identify common presenting problems in CNM
relationships.
3. Generate examples of how to apply conjoint
therapy skills with CNM relationship clients.
4. Identify their own assumptions and biases that
may complicate working with CNM clients.

3. Content advisory
• This presentation discusses issues
related to sex and sexual relationships.
It may contain adult content and
strong language.

4. Initial impressions: Case 1
• Akiko: 26, Japanese-American, graduate
student
• Currently dating several people, all of whom
have primary partners
• She finds she is often feeling lonely and
depressed when she is not out on a date
• She spends a lot of time messaging people on OK
Cupid looking for dates
• Often drinking when she is alone
• She wonders if she might be a sex addict

5. Initial impressions: Case 2
• David, 35, African-American, lives with his
husband Hunter (29, white) and their
boyfriend Ruben (22, Latino)
• The three of them come for joint counseling
• They are fighting a lot over how to divide
responsibility in the household
• Ruben is currently unemployed
• Hunter believes Ruben is not working hard
enough to find a job

6. Discuss cases
• What did your group come up with?
• Case of Akiko
• Case of David, Hunter, & Ruben

7. Dan Savage, advice columnist

8. Definitions
• Monogamy – One spouse or partner
• Serial Monogamy – One spouse or partner
at a time
• Polygamy – More than one spouse
• Polygyny – More than one wife
• Polyandry – More than one husband

9. Consensual non-monogamy
• CNM = Umbrella term
• AKA “negotiated non-
monogamy”
• Open Relationship
• One spouse or primary partner
• Multiple sexual “playmates”
who are not romantic partners
• “Monogamish” – Dan Savage
• Swinging (aka “wife
swapping”)
• One spouse or partner
• Multiple playmates under
certain conditions
• Chiefly heterosexual

10. Definitions
• Polyamory: from the Greek and Latin roots
meaning “many loves.”
• Love-styles that involve
• More than one partner
• Openly
• With the knowledge and consent of all involved.
• Can refer to “multiple loves” without the
relationships being sexual

11. Definitions
• Different poly styles
• Primary, secondary, tertiary – see later
slide
• Group marriage
• AKA “Polyfidelity”
• Poly singles
• Relationship “shapes”
• V-relationship
• Triads/Quads/more

12. Consensual non-monogamy
• More CNM types?
• Mono/poly or “mixed” relationship
• Non-exclusive relationship
• AKA “just dating”
• Intimate friendship
• AKA “friends with benefits”
• Couples who are currently monogamous
who do not intend to remain exclusive

13. CNM & Poly terms
• Metamour
• “Partners of my partner(s)”
• Compersion
• Loving empathy for one’s partner being
loved/engaged by others
• New Relationship Energy (NRE)
• AKA “limerance”
• Fluid bonding
• Veto

14. Hierarchical relationships
• Primary
• Implication: an enduring commitment of
some kind
• May co-habitate, share money, etc.
• May raise children together
• May imply greater claim on time, resources,
etc.
• May have “veto” over other partners?
• Secondary
• Loving, but without the degree of investment
of primary partners
• May or may not have their own primary
partner(s)

15. Hierarchical relationships

16. Hierarchical relationships
• Not everyone likes or uses the
primary/secondary framework!
• “Non-primary”
• An intimate (romantic/sexual) relationship that
by mutual agreement does not have the
traditional goal of becoming primary life partners
who share a household
• These relationships can be monogamous,
polyamorous, or otherwise
• Non-primary relationships can be very long-term
and significant, or not
• Some prefer no hierarchical terms at all

17. Hierarchical relationships
• Challenges of being a
“secondary”
• Feelings that grow beyond
the relationship’s capacity
• Self-care
• Speaking up about needs
• Managing expectations
• Relationships(s) with
metamours
• Feeling “disposable”
• Some people will not date a
“secondary” who does not
have their own “primary”

18. Hierarchical relationships
• “Secondary” concerns
• What’s realistic/reasonable
for this relationship?
• What are my must-haves
and my boundaries? (i.e.
“hard” and “soft” limits)
• When and how will I seek
other potential
relationships instead of
focusing on this one? (NRE)
• It’s not for everyone
• But it’s ideal for some
people!

19. Hierarchical relationships
• “Relationship escalator”
• Moving toward increasing commitment

20. Why CNM?
• In love with more than one person
• Desire more variety in
relationships/sexual practices
• To meet a relationship need/desire
not met in other relationships
• Between relationships/exploring
• Feeling pressured by lover
• Cover for cheating

21. Polyamory-specific culture
• Values:
• Honesty
• Safe Sex
• Physical health
• Emotional health
• Freedom
• Consent
• Don’t control others

22. Non-monogamy skills
• All the same skills needed for monogamous
relationships, plus:
• Deep self-knowledge
• Radical honesty/congruency
• Commitment to consent
• Exceptional differentiation
• Abundance mentality
“Love is that condition wherein another
person’s happiness is essential to your
own.”
Robert Heinlein

23. Non-monogamy skills
• Social justice perspective adds:
• Ability to address power
• Male privilege
• Heterosexual privilege
• White privilege
• Couple privilege
• Cisgender privilege
• Age privilege etc.

24. Non-monogamy skills – addressing
power

25. Non-monogamy skills
• Social justice perspective adds:
• Self-control/Self-regulation
• Saying no when you want to say yes
• Considering the well-being of multiple people
& relationships, from multiple perspectives

26. Health/safety issues?
• CNM people have
more partners &
sexual activity
• But they are more
likely to have HIV &
other tests
• More likely to
practice safer sex
• More likely to
discuss safer sex

27. CNM in therapy
• Agreements
• Jealousy
• Boundary violations
• Poly-specific issues

28. CNM in therapy - Agreements
• Negotiating what relationship(s) will
look like when opening up
• Or re-negotiating after a breach
• Make sure to include: What do we do
if it’s not working?

29. CNM in therapy - Agreements
• Gottman model can be helpful
• “Love Maps”
• Accepting influence
• Perpetual vs. solvable problems
• Consider:
• Attachment injuries
• Ideals vs. realistic expectations
• What is the right pace?
• Slowing down can help

30. Agreements: Examples
• What kind of contacts/relationships can each
person pursue?
• Is there a primary/secondary hierarchy, and
if so, what does that mean? Examples:
• Practicing safer sex with secondary partners
• Time spent with other people including
overnights
• “Special” things – places, activities, sex acts
reserved for one partner

31. Agreements: Examples
• Do we pre-approve
partner’s choices? Is there
a veto?
• Meeting other people
partner is involved with?
• Managing social overlap
• Boundaries around
personal information
• Where and how to be
“out” or not

32. CNM in therapy - Jealousy
• Anybody can feel jealousy, under the
right circumstances
• The most effective way to handle
jealousy is often to solve the underlying
problem that creates it
• Feelings are irrational by their very
nature; jealousy is no exception.
• “I’ve heard plenty of irrational thoughts;
I’ve never heard an irrational emotion”
– Sue Johnson
• Address the feeling head-on, rather
than attempting to dismiss it as
“irrational” or “unjustified.”

33. CNM in therapy - Jealousy
• Jealousy is not a one-person problem!
• Many CNM resources focus on how the
jealous person should “manage” their
jealousy
• Understand the triggers
• Figure out what you’re really afraid of
• Communicate
• Let go of your fears
• Rules are unfair to other people – do your work
• Much easier said than done
• Adult attachment research suggests that
the threatened brain can’t process
intellectually very well

34. CNM in therapy - Jealousy
• Managing jealousy relationally
• Identify relationship cycle and
the vulnerable primary emotions
underneath
• Including others’ parts in the cycle,
e.g. pursue-withdraw, withdraw-
withdraw
• Help withdrawers re-engage & be
more present
• Help pursuer/blamers soften and
reach out with vulnerability
• Relationship becomes a “safe
harbor” to weather the storms

35. CNM in therapy - Jealousy
• Requires attunement to self & others
• Identifying, examining, and disclosing
jealous feelings before they fester
• Willingness to hear about partners’
feelings and hold them tenderly and non-
defensively

36. CNM in therapy - Jealousy
• Other strategies
• Let go of attachment to “the one”
• “Go for broke” romantic love discouraged
• Embracing compersion
• Cultivating “full-plate” lives

37. CNM in therapy – Boundary
violations
• Potentially intense
sessions
• Get comfortable with
being directive
• But stay balanced!
• Often presents with
defensiveness,
entitlement, blame from
the offending partner
• Often hidden
power/control dynamics
in play

38. CNM in therapy – Boundary
violations
• Dealing with violations
• “High-cost” behaviors
from the violator
• Time out, giving up a
secondary partner, etc.
• Self-examination
• How will I stay “in
bounds” in the future?
• How will I make sure that
new loves do not replace
or displace existing
partners?

39. CNM in therapy
• Poly-specific issues
• Because I’m poly I shouldn’t (feel, say, do,
want)
• Lack of role models (“what are we doing?”)
• Rejection by family/work/religion
• Secrecy - How and where to be “out” or not
• Need to process things taken for granted in
monogamous relationships

40. CNM in therapy
• Who should attend sessions?
• “Open” – usually just the central couple
• Poly – depends on relationship
configurations & where the problems lie
• “Unit of treatment” may change or be fluid

41. CNM in therapy
• Who is the client?
• Systemic thinking is more helpful
than individual
• Who is involved in the
problem(s)?
• Don’t automatically accept the
client’s definition of the problem
• “Help me be less jealous” (fix me)
• “She doesn’t like my new girlfriend”
(fix her)
• Leveraging the whole relationship
system for change
• Opening lines of communication

42. CNM in therapy
• Managing multiple adults
in session
• Your role may be fluid
• “Traffic cop” vs. “director” vs.
“coach” “audience”
• “Therapeutic triangle”
(Bowen) vs. enactments
• Get to process and away
from content
• Interrupt fruitless
complaining
• Don’t problem-solve

43. Common traps
• “Love is limitless”
• Time, energy and resources all
have limits
• “Love may be limitless in the
abstract, but in the concrete
world of work and conflicting
schedules and finite resources,
it’s limited indeed.” - Ve Ard & Veaux,
2003, Polyamory 101
• Toxic corollary: NRE run wild
(“shiny!”)

44. Common traps
• Poly is more
“natural”
• AKA “you were just
taught to feel that
way”
• Evolutionary
psychology –
beware!
• Toxic corollary:
Blaming jealousy on
the jealous person

45. Common traps
• “Poly people are more
honest”
• Honesty is the key to any
successful relationship!
• Polyamorous people don’t
automatically possess these
skills.
• Polyamorous people do not
always live up to their own
ideals.
• Toxic corollary:
• “Poly people can’t have affairs”
• Breaking agreements is a trust
violation just like an affair

46. Common traps
• “Polyamory is a cure for
cheating”
• Attempting to “fix” cheating by
making a relationship poly is not
going to work.
• A person who can’t be trusted to
behave with respect toward one
person can’t be trusted to behave
with respect toward more than one
• Polyamory is best when your
relationships and your
relationship skills are already
quite strong
• Toxic corollary: “Relationship in
trouble? Add more people!”

47. Common traps
• Failing to communicate until it’s too
late (expecting mind-reading)
• Triangling in other partners

48. Common traps
• Superiority complex - “more
evolved”
• AKA Poly will solve all problems –
“poly-vangelism”
• There are monogamous people
who are enlightened, passionate,
caring, compassionate, wise, and
benevolent people.
• There are poly people who are
selfish, inconsiderate jerks.
• You can be wise or you can be
a jerk, regardless of your
relationship model

49. Common traps
• Covert power/control
• Gaslighting
• “Trump carding” (or
the “mic drop”)
• OPP

50. Common clinician mistakes
• Assuming an individual’s presenting
issue is due to their participation in a
CNM relationship
• Belief: Non-monogamy causes pathology
& distress

51. Common clinician mistakes
• Assuming an individual’s participation
in a CNM relationship is a symptom of
their presenting issue
• Belief: Non-monogamy = pathology
• Conflating CNM with sex addiction
• CNM = commitment-phobic
• CNM = emotional immaturity (inability to
love, etc.)

52. Common clinician mistakes
• Assuming you know what type of CNM
relationship works “best”
• Recommending a course of action, e.g. “if
you’re having problems, why don’t you
close the relationship?”
• Self-of therapist work
• Or that all CNM relationships are the
same
• E.g. assuming Poly = Open

53. Common clinician mistakes
• Being afraid of challenging clients out
of “respect for diversity”
• Discrepancies between “what I say I
want” and “what I do”
• Discrepancies between “what I hope will
happen” and “what actually happens”
• Mis-matches between relationship needs
and emotional injuries/skill-set
• Impact on other people in the client’s
system

54. “What about the kids?”
• Ethnographic study by Scheff
• 22 children over 15 years
• Sense of honesty permeates
family
• Closeness & open acceptance
• Well-adjusted
• Extensive economic/emotional
support
• Many role models
• No social stigma

55. “What about the kids?”
• Some drawbacks:
• Jealousy of partners’ relationships with
parents
• More turnover in parents’ partners
• But this happens in many families (e.g. post-
divorce dating)

56. When is it pathology?
• Like porn, “I know it when
I see it”?
• Causes for concern:
• Unrealistic assumptions
• Unrealistic expectations of
others
• Evidence of developmental
or psychological
vulnerabilities

57. Stereotype, or presenting problem?
• Unable to commit
• Fancy name/justification for cheating
• Sex addicts
• Don’t practice safer sex
• A sign of trouble

61. CNM benefits
• Shared burden of adulthood
• More financial resources
• More parenting figures
• Network of care
• “Buffers” when a dyad is having
difficulty
• Natural “brake” on the tendency to
merge
• Better balance of autonomy &
togetherness?

62. CNM benefits
• “Loss of passion”
• Long-term couples - NRE diminishes
• They have less interest in or need for sex
with each other
• Polyamory addresses this with NRE-
enhanced new lovers
• While maintaining the comfort and security
of home and family

63. CNM benefits?
• On the other hand, is a “NRE injection” the
only solution to loss of passion?
• Requires honest evaluation of what is
motivating the desire to “open up”

64. CNM challenges
• Cultural
• Romantic love + non-
possessiveness
• Western culture’s emphasis on
finding “the one.”
• Concerns about exploiting
women
• Other taboos (fears), i.e., “what
about the kids?”
• For minority people: fear of
fulfilling stereotypes of their
culture(s)

65. CNM challenges
• Relational
• Avoiding displacement
of long-term partners -
NRE
• Managing different
expectations &
preferences
• Lack of follow-through
on agreements
• Good boundaries
• Basic systems: avoiding
triangulation, splits, etc.

66. CNM challenges
• Personal
• Managing feelings
• Accountability
• Telling our partners what we are up to!
• Sharing power
• Our feelings about our partners having equal rights to
explore with others
• Can activate our attachment injuries!

67. CNM challenges
• Practical
• Time, energy, money limitations
• Discrimination issues
• Housing laws
• Property ownership
• Employment benefits
• Legal designations
• Rights/access to children

68. CNM-friendly practice
• Intake:
• Are you legally married or in a registered
domestic partnership? ❑ Yes ❑ No
• Are you in any other significant
relationships (however you may define
them)?
• If so, who are your other partners?
• What terms do you use to describe your
relationships?

69. CNM-friendly practice
• Assessment:
• What agreements do you have about your
relationships?
• How did this relationship come to be non-
monogamous?
• Did both of you have interest or was it one person’s
suggestion?
• How has it gone in terms of setting expectations &
living up to them?
• Do either of you have concerns about how things
are going with other partners, yours or someone
else’s?
• CNM may or may not be significant to the
presenting issue!

70. CNM-friendly practice
• Common themes in treatment:
• Decreasing shame and stigma
• Clarifying and/or re-negotiating boundaries
& repair mechanisms
• Improving “early warning systems” (“poop
detector”)
• Communication skills
• Recognizing one’s own feelings
• Attunement to partners’ feelings

71. CNM-friendly practice
• Common themes in treatment:
• Increasing “secure base” of relationship(s)
• Enactment of sharing vulnerable feelings and
being held
• Addressing power imbalances
• Creating a more just system of relationships
• Elevating un-heard voices
• Increasing self-advocacy
• Increasing everyone’s “other-orientation”

72. Discuss: Case 1
• Akiko: 26, Japanese-American, graduate
student
• Currently dating several people, all of whom
have primary partners
• She finds she is often feeling lonely and
depressed when she is not out on a date
• She spends a lot of time messaging people on OK
Cupid looking for dates
• Often drinking when she is alone
• She wonders if she might be a sex addict

73. Discuss: Case 2
• David, 35, African-American, lives with his
husband Hunter (29, white) and their
boyfriend Ruben (22, Latino)
• The three of them come for joint counseling
• They are fighting a lot over how to divide
responsibility in the household
• Ruben is currently unemployed
• Hunter believes Ruben is not working hard
enough to find a job

74. CNM Print Resources

75. CNM Print Resources
• Recommended
• Opening Up (Taormino, 2008)
• The Jealousy Workbook (Labriola, 2013)
• “What Psychology Professionals Should Know About
Polyamory” – via NCSF
• “Working with Polyamorous Clients in the Clinical
Setting” – via EJHS.org
• Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful
(Ravenscroft, 2004)
• With reservations
• The Ethical Slut (Easton & Liszt, 1997/2009)
• More than Two (Veaux & Rickert, 2014)
• Not recommended
• Sex at Dawn (Ryan, 2011)

76. CNM resources
• Poly-Friendly Professionals
• Open Minds Bay Area
• therapists affirming gender & sexual
diversity
• Gaylesta.org - Bay Area LGBTQ friendly
therapists
• Kink-Friendly Professionals
• Bisexuality-Aware Therapists