WHAT IS MARRIAGE - Your opinion please

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CH 10 Divorce, Remarriage and Blended Families The critically acclaimed film The Squid and the Whale follows a couple’s acrimonious divorce and its effects on their two sons. The performer Miley Cyrus described why she broke up with her fiancé, Liam Hemsworth, at the age of 21, this way: I was so scared of ever being alone, and I think, conquering that fear, this year, was actually bigger than any other transition that I had, this entire year . . .I don’t ever want to have to need someone again, where you feel like, without them, you can’t be yourself. (Effron 2013) Are individualism and marriage the oil and water of modern relationships, unable ever to fully mix together? If people pursue marriage primarily to make themselves happy and then judge the relationship on the basis of their own happiness, then marriage will be unstable, always facing the risk that one partner or the other will feel unfulfilled and turn away. In fact, that may be why divorce has become a prominent feature of the relationship landscape. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. If it means that the relationships that do survive are built on genuine mutual happiness or satisfaction, then the modern family order may be an improvement over the past. But if the experience of divorce, or the threat of divorce, looms large in modern families, then we all live under a cloud of family uncertainty. Individual freedom is a cherished value for most people. But uncertainty comes with risks, especially for children, who are the most vulnerable to the stress of family transitions (Cherlin 2010). This is the central dilemma of divorce that we confront. For the Children’s Sake Of course, there is nothing wrong with loving oneself if that means recognizing and respecting one’s own needs and desires. But how is individual happiness to be balanced against family commitments, including marriage? This is as much a moral question as a practical or psychological one. In the face of such a quandary, 362 Chapter 10: Divorce, Remarriage, and Blended Families many people evoke the principle of making decisions in the best interest of children rather than adults. Some parents try to prevent or delay divorce for the children’s sake—to spare them the disruption, potential financial loss, and even shame of a family breakup. Other parents, however, want a divorce for the children’s sake—to keep them from living under the cloud of constant bickering or to remove them from the care of an irresponsible (or even abusive) spouse. And then there are the children themselves. Their parents’ breakup may be the first time they seriously face the need to evaluate, in moral terms, the behavior of adults. For better or worse, in the words of researcher Carol Smart, divorce “shatters the taken-for-grantedness of family life.” She quotes a 12-year-old girl whose parents divorced: I can remember some arguments and I can remember thinking “Oh my god my parents hate each other” but now I don’t think they hate each other; they ...

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