Chinese english writing skill - 商务写作教程

汇丰商务英语写作教程（22）.......................................................................................................77
汇丰商务英语写作教程（29）.......................................................................................................96
汇丰商务英语写作教程（30）.......................................................................................................99
汇丰商务英语写作教程（31）.....................................................................................................103
汇丰商务英语写作教程（32）.....................................................................................................106
汇丰银行商务写作教程（1）
[ 2007-05-11 11:33 ]
这是汇丰银行内部培训员工用的写作课程。它把写作分为五步：计划、组织、草稿、修改和编辑。分
成 8 章讲解。讲解的时候举具体的例子做示范，对提高商务写作能力很有帮助。今天我们先来了
解一下教程的体系和学习计划。
HSBC Writing Course--"Writing for Results"
Chapter 1 Plan your writing
Chapter 2 Organise your writing
Chapter 3 Draft and revise your writing to make it complete
Chapter 4 Revise your writing to make it cohesive
Chapter 5 Revise your writing to make it clear and concise
Chapter 6 Revise your writing to make it courteous
Chapter 7 Structure difficult letters
Chapter 8 Edit your writing
Introduction
Welcome to "Writing for Results", a course that can help you enhance your
English writing skills.
HSBC has designed this course for its staff in the Asia Pacific region. HSBC staff
study this course to improve the e-mails, memos, faxes and letters they write at
work.
If you've never written business documents before, you'll find this course
extremely useful. Even if you're familiar with business writing, this course can still
help you.
https://www.facebook.com/hoc.huynhba 1

"Writing For Results" will help you write in a modern style. By the end of this
course you'll be able to write business documents that are: better organized,
more complete, clearer and more concise, more courteous, more correct.
The most important feature of the Writing Process is its five stages:
plan--organize--draft--revise--edit
Good writers follow the five stages of the Writing Process to
--meet their readers' expectations
--get the results they want.
[ 2007-05-14 10:37 ]
开始写作之前要有个计划，这样在写作的时候才会知道自己要写什么、写作的目的是什么，才能
更好的考虑用什么样的写作方式。
Chapter 1 Plan
Objectives:
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to plan your writing. You'll do
this by deciding:
--why you are writing
--how you want your reader to respond
--what you want your reader to know
Why do you plan?
What is the value of planning? Think about this...
Have you ever sat at your desk not knowing how to begin? Very often, you may
find writing difficult because you start writing right away. In other words, you
overlook the importance of planning before you write. Unfortunately, "if you fail
to plan, you plan to fail." So you need to plan your writing ... and then write
according to your plan. If you plan well, your writing is more likely to get the
results you want.
How can you plan your writing?
Effective writers use 3 strategies.

WHY are you writing?
WHAT do you want the reader to do?
WHAT does the reader need to know?
These 3 questions provide a good framework for planning. Let’s look at them one
by one.
Why are you writing?
The business world is full of busy people. They don't want to waste time reading
meaningless letters, memos, faxes and e-mails. They don't want to guess why
you're writing to them. That's why it's very important for you to state your
purpose for writing very clearly at the beginning.
Look at the following letter:
20 September 200X
Mr Robert Roman
13/F 151 Gloucester Rd
Wan Chai
Hong Kong
Dear Mr Roman
HSBC CREDIT CARD 5411 8001 7633 8766
Thank you for your letter dated 18 September 200X.
We would advise that the card fee would be automatically billed to your card
account annually despite your renewed card is remained uncollected. However,
annual fee can be refunded provided that the card is uncollected within a certain
period and is returned to the Card Centre for cancellation.
Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.
We are pleased to be of service.
Yours sincerely
S TSE
Simon Tse
Customer Service Officer
Card Centre

Simon's letter is not as effective as it could be. It's actually quite difficult to
identify his purpose. You may have had to guess.
Simon probably wanted to do two things:
--to ask Mr Roman to collect his credit card and
--to explain how the annual fee for credit cards is charged.
So, you need to identify your purpose for writing. Your readers need to know why
you are writing to them. Therefore, you should state your purpose for writing
very clearly at the beginning. You can do this by writing a sentence which
begins with a set phrase followed by a verb. For example,
I’m writing to / I would like to…explain / request…
When you use this method to state your purpose, the verb you choose is very
important. Why? Because it helps your reader understand why you are writing.
Here are some of the verbs you can use: announce, complain, confirm,
explain, inform, notify, propose, request and suggest.
WHAT do you want the reader to do?
After you decide why you are writing, you need to determine your reader's
response.
Your readers need to know exactly what you want them to do. Therefore, you
should be very specific when determining your reader's response. Compare the
following two sentences:
1. Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.
2. Please pick up your new card at our Central branch by 31 May.
Sentence 2 is more specific than sentence 1.
Remember: when you decide what you want your reader to do, you need
to be as specific as possible.
WHAT does the reader need to know?
So far, you've learned how to determine your purpose for writing and your
reader's response. But how can you determine what your reader needs to
know? The answer depends on:
--why you are writing and
--what you want the reader to do.
Look at the letter again:
20 September 200X
Mr Robert Roman

13/F 151 Gloucester Rd
Wan Chai
Hong Kong
Dear Mr Roman
HSBC CREDIT CARD 5411 8001 7633 8766
Thank you for your letter dated 18 September 200X.
We would advise that the card fee would be automatically billed to your card account
annually despite your renewed card is remained uncollected. However, annual fee can be
refunded provided that the card is uncollected within a certain period and is returned to
the Card Centre for cancellation.
Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.
We are pleased to be of service.
Yours sincerely
S TSE
Simon Tse
Customer Service Officer
Card Centre
(1) IF Simon
--wants to explain the charges (writer's purpose)
--expects Mr Roman to understand the charges (reader's response)
THEN Mr Roman needs to know (reader's information)
--WHAT the charges are
--WHY the charges are applied
--WHO to talk to if he has questions
(2) IF Simon
--wants to ask Mr Roman to collect his credit card (writer's purpose)
--expects Mr Roman to collect his credit card (reader's response)
THEN Mr Roman needs to know (reader's information)
--HOW to collect his credit card
--WHERE to collect his credit card
--WHEN to collect his credit card
He needs to know WHO? WHAT? WHY? WHERE? WHEN? and HOW? Some
professional writers call these the five W's and the one H. You can use the

"5WIH" questions when you plan the reader's information. If you do this, you
will ensure that your reader has all the necessary information.
Summary
In this chapter, you've learned the three strategies used in planning. Planning is
a key to success in writing. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
Before you start to write, you have to plan what to write. You then write
according to your plan. When you plan, you need to consider the following:
--the writer's purpose
--the reader's response
--the reader's information.
In other words, you can help your reader by stating very clearly why you are
writing and how you expect your reader to respond. The 5W1H questions (who,
what, why, where, when and how) help to ensure you have included all the
necessary information.
Then, you can provide the information your reader needs to know.

[ 2007-05-15 13:38 ]
Welcome to Chapter 2.
In Chapter 1 you learned how to plan a business letter.
In this chapter, you're going to look at the second stage of the Writing Process:
Plan　to Organise.
Organise
This course is based on the Writing Process, a step-by-step procedure for
producing effective correspondence. Therefore, HSBC recommends that you study
each chapter of this course in order, beginning with the introductory chapter
"Getting Started".
Objectives
By the end of this chapter you'll be able to organise your writing.
You'll do this by
• preparing a clear outline
• arranging the contents to fit the outline.
Planning: A Quick Review
In Chapter 1, you learned about the planning stage of the Writing Process.
Before you can organise your writing, it's important that you have planned. Do
you remember the three things you need to plan before beginning to write?
Strategies Description
Writer's purpose Why you are writing
Reader's response How you want the reader to respond
Reader's information What you want the reader to know

Organising: Why Do It
A well-organised letter, memo, fax or e-mail is easy to read and understand.
If you organise the contents of your correspondence well, you are more likely to
get the results you want.
So, organising is just as important as planning.
In fact, the second stage of the Writing Process is closely related to the first.
In the organising stage, you arrange what you've planned to write. In other
words, you make an outline.
Organising: How To Do It
How do you organise what you have planned?
Do you need to use a different outline for every letter, memo, fax and e-mail that
you write?
Not at all! For some special situations, you'll need special outlines. You'll look at
those in Chapter 7. However, for most of your written correspondence, you
can follow a standard outline. You'll learn that outline in this chapter.
But before you learn how to organise the contents of your correspondence, you
should look at the various types of correspondence you may have to write.
下一节我们将继续讲述 Organising: Types of Correspondence，不要错过哦！

[ 2007-05-16 10:27 ]
今天我们来继续上次学习的内容：商务写作中的 organization。
Organising: Types of Correspondence
How many types of correspondence do you need to write?
Basically, two:
internal correspondence (the messages you write to colleagues)
external correspondence (the messages you write to customers).
However, when you write to colleagues or customers, you can use a variety of
documents.
Do you know which types of documents you can use when you write to
colleagues? And which types you can send to customers?
For internal correspondence, you can use e-mail, fax and memo. For
external correspondence, you can use e-mail, fax and letter.
The way you organise the content of most e-mails, faxes, letters and memos is
similar. However, the format - or layout - of these documents is different.
Can you recognise the formats of the documents you write?
Below, you will see samples of four documents.
Memo

Fax
Letter

E-mail
The way you organise the contents of most documents is similar.
Try to discover the basic outline you can use in most of your correspondence.
Read through the memo below and try to identify what type of content each
of the four paragraphs contains.
The HSBC Group MEMO
To: All Staff Date: 20 July 200X
From: General Manager Reference
Subject: Dress Code
As you know, we have always enforced a strict dress code. We have now revised this code.
I would like to inform you of the changes.
The code for branch staff and office staff is different. As I'm sure you will appreciate, there
are no changes for branch staff. All branch staff must wear the correct uniform at all times.
On the other hand, if you work in the office, you may wear 'smart-casual' wear. However,
on any day that you do meet people from outside the company, please ensure you are
dressed in a business-like manner.
Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September. If you have any questions, please call
Annie Wong on 2344 7765.

Answers:
Paragraph1: background
Paragraph2: writer’s purpose
Paragraph3: reader’s information
Paragraph4: reader’s response
Now read through the letter below. Identify the type of content in each of the five
paragraphs in the spaces provided.
29 May 200X
34D Scenic Lane
Discovery Bay
Lantau Island
Dear Ms Hui
Classic Visa Card: Annual Fee
Thank you for your letter of 5 November. In the letter, you mentioned that you had sent a
cheque to settle your Visa Card Annual Fee.
I would like to explain the situation.
We have checked our records carefully. Unfortunately, we have not yet received the
cheque, although we are normally very efficient when dealing with incoming remittances.
Therefore, to help us prepare your new Visa Card, we would be grateful if you could settle
the payment immediately.
We look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Lily Tam
Customer Service Manager.
Answers:
Paragraph1: background
Paragraph2: writer’s purpose
Paragraph3: reader’s information
Paragraph4: reader’s response
Paragraph5: closing marks

As you can see, there is only a small difference in the outlines you use when
writing to colleagues and customers.
When you write to customers, you include a salutation (Dear...) and a
complimentary close (Yours sincerely / faithfully).
When writing to customers, you always add a polite closing remark. You can
also add this remark when writing to colleagues.
By now, you should be familiar with
the types of correspondence you write
the types of documents you can use
the basic outline you can usually follow.
To learn how to organise a letter to a customer, go to the next screen.
下一次我们将讲述 organising 的 SOFAR Strategy，不要错过哦！
[ 2007-05-17 11:15 ]
对商务写作中的 organising 感到头痛吗？下面就教你 organising 的 SOFAR 五步法。
Organising: SOFAR Strategy

So far, so good?
Actually, if you remember that expression - SOFAR -- it'll help you remember how
to organise external correspondence.
Salutation Dear Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss...
Opening Background + Purpose
Facts Reader's Information
Action Reader's Response
Remarks Polite Closing
You can also use this outline for memos and internal e-mails. Just leave out the salutation.
SALUTATION
The Salutation begins with 'Dear'.
The Salutation should include the reader's name (eg, Dear Mr Chan, Dear Ms
Lewis). You can use the reader's first name (eg, Dear John) if you know them
well.
If you do not know the reader's name, use "Dear Sir" or "Dear Madam".
If you do not know if the reader is a man or a woman, use "Dear Sir or
Madam".
OPENING (BACKGROUND)
The Opening includes two parts (and usually two paragraphs):
the background (referring to previous contact with the reader or
introducing a situation)
the writer's purpose
These provide a logical introduction to your correspondence and help the reader
focus on the subject.
The background "sets the scene" by referring to a previous contact (memo, letter,
phone call etc). If you've had no previous contact with the reader, you should
briefly describe the situation that you are writing about.
EXAMPLES:
Previous contact: Thank you for your call this morning.
A situation: Our annual staff party is coming soon!
An attention-grabbing statement or question: Have you heard
about...? Our Department Open Day is coming soon!
Some opening sentences are better than others.

Read through the sentences in the table below. Decide which sentence of
each pair (in Column A and Column B) is better.
Column A Column B
With reference to your
correspondence of 21 August...
Thank you for your letter of 21 August.
Further to our conversation earlier
today...
Thank you for your call today about...
Regarding your request for credit
approval...
I have just received your request for
credit approval.
If you chose the sentences in Column B, you've chosen the better ones.
Why?
Sentences that begin with prepositions (eg, with, in, further, for, following,
regarding) are difficult to write correctly. They are also quite long and therefore
more difficult for your reader to understand.
So, keep your writing simple by writing shorter, more direct sentences.
OPENING (WRITER'S PURPOSE)
In the second part of the opening you state the writer's purpose.
You've already learned (in Chapter 1) that there can be many purposes for
writing.
Two of the most common reasons are:
to inform someone about something
to request someone to do something.
Look at the memo from the General Manager again. Which sentence states the
manager's purpose for writing?
The HSBC Group MEMO
From: General Manager Reference
Subject: Dress Code

As you know, we have always enforced a strict dress code. We have now revised this code.
I would like to inform you of the changes.
The code for branch staff and office staff is different. As I'm sure you will appreciate, there
are no changes for branch staff. All branch staff must wear the correct uniform at all times.
On the other hand, if you work in the office, you may wear 'smart-casual' wear. However,
on any day that you do meet people from outside the company, please ensure you are
dressed in a business-like manner.
Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September. If you have any questions, please call
Annie Wong on 2344 7765.
Answer: I would like to inform you of the changes.
To practise writing openings, do the exercise below.
Read the two situations below and write an appropriate opening for each of them.
Situation 1: You are replying to a customer who called this morning asking for
details about opening a new account.
Situation 2: You are replying to a customer's letter that you received yesterday.
He would like to know why delivery of his order is late.
Suggested answers:
Situation 1:
Thank you for calling this morning asking about how to open a new account.
I am delighted to give you the details about opening a Premier account.
Situation 2:
Thank you for your letter of 28 April about the delivery of your order.
I apologise for the delay and would like to explain what has happened.
FACTS
In the Opening, you provide your reader with background information and state
your purpose.
In the next part of the letter - Facts - you provide all the information your reader
needs so that they can
understand your purpose completely
respond appropriately.
Remember, though - only one main idea per paragraph! If you have a lot of
information for the reader, write several paragraphs in this section.

ACTION
After reading the information you have provided in the Facts section, your reader
should be able to respond.
In the next section -- Action -- you should tell your reader
how to respond (what they need to do)
when to respond (by what date/time).
For example, if you are writing to invite someone to lunch, what do you want your
reader to do? Come to lunch, right? It may seem obvious to you, but you need to
make it obvious to your reader, too. That will get the result you want.
Example:
Writer's Purpose: I'd like to invite you to lunch next Thursday.
Reader's Response: Please call by Tuesday and let me know if you can come.
What you want your reader to do often depends on why you are writing.
Writer's purpose Reader's response
Invite Please let me know if you will be able to join us.
Confirm If we need to make any changes to the schedule, please let me know before Friday.
Inform Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September.
Request Please send your bid to us by 15 March.
Complain Please deliver the delayed shipment within three days.
REMARKS
When writing to customers, you want to end politely and positively. You often can
do this with just one sentence.
But be careful! Try to make your writing sound natural - as if you were speaking
to the reader face-to-face.
Have you ever written sentences like these? Would you actually say them to
someone in person?
If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Assuring you of our best attention at all times.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Think about a more natural way to close a letter, memo, fax or e-mail.

Examples:
I look forward to hearing from you.
I look forward to receiving your order.
I hope this information is useful.
Please call me if you need any further information.
Please call me if you have any questions.
[ 2007-05-18 09:38 ]
这一课，我们将就前几次学到的 organising 技巧做一些练习，以巩固所学。
Organising: Summary
In this chapter, you learned how to organise the contents of the documents you write.
You learned that, when writing to colleagues or customers, you usually can follow a similar
outline.
SOFAR can help you remember the basic outline.

In the following Summary Exercise, you can use SOFAR to help you arrange the contents
of a letter.
Organising: Summary Exercise
There are 10 sentences and 3 other parts of a letter below. Please arrange them in the
correct order (1-13).
(1) Yours sincerely
(2) May I suggest that you contact Mr Ong directly.
(3) I am sorry that I was not in the office when you rang.
(4) We do have a branch in Singapore.
(5) I hope this information is helpful.
(6) Dear Mr Rushford
(7) The address is 54 Liu Fang Road, Jorong Town, Singapore.
(8) Alex Ribero
(9) I am pleased to provide the information you requested.
(10) The manager is Mr David Ong
(11) He can provide you with the financial advice you are seeking.
(12) Thank you for trying to contact me by phone yesterday.
(13) His telephone number is +65 535 1234.
Answer:
Dear Mr Rushford(6)
Thank you for trying to contact me by phone yesterday.(12) I am sorry that I was not in
the office when you rang.(3)
I am pleased to provide the information you requested.(9)
We do have a branch in Singapore.(4) The address is 54 Liu Fang Road, Jorong Town,
Singapore.(7) The manager is Mr David Ong(10) May I suggest that you contact Mr Ong
directly.(2)
His telephone number is +65 535 1234.(13) He can provide you with the financial advice
you are seeking.(11)
I hope this information is helpful. (5)
Yours sincerely(1)
Alex Ribero(8)
Well Done!

You've now completed Chapter 2!
In this chapter you continued to learn about the Writing Process by looking at the second
stage - Organise.
So now you can organise your business correspondence by
preparing a clear outline
arranging the contents.
In the next chapter, you'll look at the third stage - Draft, and the beginning of the fourth
stage -- Revise.
See you there!
[ 2007-05-21 14:29 ]
Overview
In the last two chapters, you've learned and practised the first two stages of the
Writing Process: Plan and Organise.
In this chapter, you'll look at the next two stages: Draft and Revise. Together,
these two stages take the most time. Writing the first draft takes less time than
revising. You'll focus on writing the first draft and taking the first step in revising
your draft.
Plan to Organise to Draft to Revise
This course is based on the Writing Process, a step-by-step procedure for
producing effective correspondence. Therefore, HSBC recommends that you study

each chapter of this course in order, beginning with the introductory chapter
"Getting Started".
Objectives
In this chapter, you'll start working on a writing project.
As you do so, you'll be able to
 draft a letter and
 revise your letters to make them complete.
Planning and Organising: A Quick Review
In the first two stages of the Writing Process, you plan and organise what you're
going to write.
In planning, you decide
 why you are writing (writer's purpose)
 how your reader will respond (reader's response)
 what your reader needs to know (reader's information).
You then organise your plan by creating an outline.
Drafting: Before You Begin
In this chapter, you'll begin to write a letter. As you write this letter, you'll work
through all five stages of the Writing Process.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: THE SITUATION
The letter you will write is based on the following situation:
Situation:
Our customer, Mr Robert Perry, deposited a cheque through 'Quick Deposit' into
his Premier account. Unfortunately, the name on the cheque (the bearer's name)
was not exactly the same as the name on the account. The name on the cheque
was Mr Robert Pery (instead of Perry). As a result, the money was not credited to
Mr Perry's account.
Solution:
Mr Perry needs to ask the drawer to write another cheque, making sure the name
is exactly the same as on the account card. Then, the money can be deposited
into his account.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: THE TASK

You are a Customer Relationship Officer. Although there is a standard form to deal
with this situation, your manager has asked you to write a letter to Mr Perry, as
he is a valued customer.
Mr Perry's details are as follows:
Address: Flat 3A, Bayshore Tower, Mary's Point, Vancouver
Account no: 6134
Cheque no: 60263
Payee name: Mr R Pery
Name on account record: Mr R Perry
What will you do next? Think about this...
You're not going to start writing immediately, are you?
Remember: there are five stages in the Writing Process. You always need to begin
with the first stage.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: PLANNING
What should you do first? You should plan what to write!
Do you remember the 3 strategies you use when planning to write?
The 3 strategies in planning are
 WHY are you writing to Mr Perry? (ie the Writer's Purpose)
 WHAT do you want Mr Perry to do? (ie the Reader's Response)
 WHAT does Mr Perry need to know? (ie the Reader's Information).
LETTER TO MR PERRY: PLANNING
How did you do? Here is a suggested plan:
Suggested Answer
Writer's Purpose
- To explain the situation (why the cheque was not accepted)
- To propose / suggest a solution
Reader's Response
- To understand why the cheque was not accepted
- To accept our suggestion
Reader's Information
- The name on the cheque needs to match the name on the account card

- The writer of the cheque needs to issue another cheque with the correct name
Remember to always keep your plan with you as your guide. This will ensure
that you get the results you want from your writing.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: ORGANISING
Now that you've completed your plan, you need to organise it.
Do you remember the five sections of a letter?
To help you recall these sections:
Salutation
Opening (Background & Purpose)
Facts (Reader's Information)
Action (Reader's Response)
Remarks
LETTER TO MR PERRY: ORGANISING
How did you do?
Suggested Outline
Salutation:
Dear Mr Perry
Opening:
refer to "Quick Deposit" cheque
apologise that cheque cannot be accepted
writing to explain situation and suggest solution
Facts:
explain that name was misspelled
explain that name on cheque needs to match name on account card
Action:
ask the writer of the cheque to issue another one
Remarks:
hope information is useful

Now that you have completed your outline, you're ready to move on to the next
stage in the Writing Process. 下次还有更精彩的哦！
[ 2007-05-22 09:53 ]
今天我们来继续学习怎样起草和修改信件。
Drafting: How To Do It
LETTER TO MR PERRY: DRAFTING
Now that you know what drafting is all about, you can draft the letter to Mr Perry.
To do this, you need to have your plan with you so you can write according to
your plan. You also need a pen and paper.
Remember the two strategies when you draft:
• Keep writing
• Don't edit.
LETTER TO MR PERRY

Use the information on this screen to draft a letter.
Situation:
Our customer, Mr Robert Perry, deposited a cheque through 'Quick Deposit' into
his Premier account. Unfortunately, the name on the cheque (the bearer's name)
was not exactly the same as the name on the account. The name on the cheque
was Mr Robert Pery (not Perry). As a result, the money was not credited to Mr
Perry's account.
Solution:
Mr Perry needs to ask the drawer to write another cheque, making sure the name
is exactly the same as on the account card. Then, the money can be deposited
into this account.
Account Details:
Name: Mr Perry
Address: Flat 3A, Bayshore Tower, Mary's Point, Vancouver
Account No.: 6134
Cheque No.: 60263
Payee Name: Mr R Pery
Name on Account Record: Mr R Perry
When you finish, write "First Draft" on the top margin of your letter. You'll work
on the draft later in this chapter and also in Chapters 4-6 and 8.
Revising: Why Do It
You've now completed your draft, and you're ready to move on to the next stage
of the Writing Process: Revise.
Why do you think revising is important?
Revising your writing transforms your unfinished draft into an effective letter that
gets results.
In fact, revising is so important that you often need to revise your writing several
times. This is the longest stage in the Writing Process.
To see why revising is important, look at the letter below. The writer has
forgotten to revise it. As you read the letter, think about the three questions in
the box on the right.

Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication,
and for your information please be
advised that the PPS details and
application form were sent to you at an
earlier date.
Thank you for your kind attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Questions
What is the letter about
Not very clear - it could be about
something (PPS?) that the writer has sent
What does the writer want Ms Green to
do
Also not clear - Ms Green could only
guess.
If you were Ms Green, what would you do
after reading the letter
What is the letter about
Not very clear - it could be about something (PPS?) that the writer has sent
What does the writer want Ms Green to do
Also not clear - Ms Green could only guess.
If you were Ms Green, what would you do after reading the letter
You may need to call or write to the writer and ask for an explanation.
As you can see, the writer of the letter may need to send another letter to
explain. That is, the letter does not get the intended results.

Revising: How To Do It
How can you revise your writing?
You've used strategies for all the other stages in the Writing Process. You also can
use a strategy for revising.
The strategy you can use for revising is very easy to remember. It's based on the
"5 Cs".
Strategy for Revising:
• Complete
• Cohesive
• Clear
• Concise
• Courteous
In fact, to ensure that your letter gets results, you need to revise your letter 5
times. Each time you revise, you'll focus on one of the "5 Cs".
The strategy you can use to revise your writing is very systematic.
You start revising the whole document and then move on to smaller parts such as
paragraphs and sentences.
Whole paragraph is complete.
Paragraphs are cohesive.
Sentences are concise, courteous and clear.
下一次，我们将继续讨论怎样将信件写得更完整。

[ 2007-05-23 10:07 ]
怎样让你的商务信件写得完整、连贯，不会让客户看了之后还不是很明白你的意图？这节课我们
就来学习怎样让信件完整、连贯。
Being Complete: Why Do It
You've learned that you need to revise your writing 5 times to get results. You're
going to begin revising by looking at being complete. You'll look at the other "Cs"
in the next chapters.
You'll learn how to check your documents to make them complete.
What do you think a complete document contains?
When you revise your writing to make it complete, you make it easy for your
reader to respond. The reader doesn't need to look for missing information.
You'll also help the reader save time; they don't need to read irrelevant
information.
Therefore, a complete document contains

• all that the reader needs to know
• only what the reader needs to know
Being Complete: How To Do It
How do you know that your letter is complete?
You need to ask yourself two questions:
• What is the structure of the letter?
• What should I include in the content of the letter?
Usually, when you want to check if your letter is complete, you begin by looking
at the structure of the letter.
A business letter contains 5 parts. The proper arrangement of these 5 parts is S-
O-F-A-R.
• Salutation
• Opening
• Facts
• Action
• Remark
STRUCTURE
Check the structure of the letter below. Try to identify the five parts of the letter.
Ms Fiona Green
100 Clearwater Bay Road
Sai Kung NT
22 April 200X
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that
the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. Thank you for
your kind attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man

Is the structure of the letter complete?
One part is missing from the letter. What is it?
A (for Action) is missing. In other words, the writer did not include the reader's
response. That's why the reader will not know what to do after reading the letter.
You can check to see if your letter is complete by looking at the structure - or
outline - of your letter. If one or more parts is/are missing, your letter is not
complete. So, it needs to be revised.
There is, however, another way to check to see if your letter is complete.
CONTENT
You can also check the contents of the letter to see if it is complete. You can do
this by comparing the contents of your letter with the plan you wrote earlier in
the Writing Process.
What should be included in the contents of your letter?
• the writer's purpose
• the reader's response
• all and only the information the reader needs.
Look at Clever Man's letter again. Try to identify the writer's purpose, the reader's
response and the information the reader needs.
What is missing from Clever Man's letter?
The writer has stated his purpose: he is "advising" the reader. The writer has also
given the reader some information: he notes that the "PPS details and application
form were sent". But the writer does not tell the reader what to do. So, the
reader's response is missing.
As a result, the reader had to phone Clever Man to find out what she should do.
He told her to fill out the form and return the application form to him.
Try to revise Clever Man's letter to make it complete. On a piece of paper, write
what you think the reader should do. Then decide where you should place this
reader's response in the letter.
Suggested answer:
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT

22 April 200X
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised
that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date.. If
you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
You've checked the structure and the contents. As a result, you had to revise the
letter by adding a sentence.
Now the letter should be complete. However, there's one more thing you can do
to check if a letter is complete.
You can use the "5W1H method". Do you remember this method? (You learned it
in Chapter 1.)
The "5W1H method" involves asking the 5W and 1H questions, i.e.
Who? What? Why? When? Where? (5W)
How? (1H)
You should use this method whenever you write to
• request action or information
• provide information.
This will help you make sure that you include all and only the information that the
reader needs.
（来源：中国物流论坛实习生江巍英语点津 Annabel 编辑）

[ 2007-05-24 10:29 ]
In this chapter, you started working on a writing project: the letter to Mr Perry. As
you worked on the letter, you reviewed the first two stages in the Writing Process:
Plan and Organise.
You learned the strategies for drafting, ie the third stage in the Writing Process.
When you draft, just keep writing and don't edit. You can always check it later.
When you finished drafting, you started the fourth stage: Revise. Revising your
documents will ensure that you get results. However, it takes time to revise
because you need to do it 5 times. You need to check each of the "5 Cs".
In this chapter, you focused on revising your document to make it complete (the
first "C").
To check that your letter is complete, you need to check both the structure and
content. You can use your plan and the outline to help you. You can also ask the
"5W1H" questions.
Summary Exercise

There are two exercises in this section. In Exercise 1, you will review what you
learned in this chapter. In Exercise 2, you will practise revising a letter for
completeness.
SUMMARY EXERCISE 1
To review how to draft and revise your documents, do the exercise below.
Each question has four possible answers. However, only one answer is correct.
Click on the correct answer for each question.
1. When you draft,
A. only write, don't edit
B. write and edit
C. write and correct grammar
D. write and correct spelling
2. Make sure your document is
A. cohesive
B. clear
C. concise
D. complete
3. Check that your paragraphs are
A. complete
B. clear
C. cohesive
D. concise
4. Make sure that your sentences are
A. complete and cohesive
B. concise
C. clear, concise and courteous
D. complete, cohesive and clear

Answers: ADCC
SUMMARY EXERCISE 2: LETTER TO MR PERRY
In this exercise you'll practise revising a letter to make it complete. To do this
exercise, you'll need the letter which you drafted to Mr Perry earlier in this
chapter.
To make sure your letter is complete, you need to check both the structure and
the content.
STRUCTURE
To check the structure, you need to identify the five parts of a letter (S, O, F, A,
R) in your draft.
If you can't identify all five parts in your draft to Mr Perry, you need to revise the
letter to make it complete.
CONTENT
To check the content of your draft, you need to identify the basic parts of your
plan. You can do this by using a highlight pen to highlight the following:
• writer's purpose
• reader's response
• reader's information.
If you can't identify the three basic parts of your plan in your draft, you need to
revise the letter.
When you finish revising Mr Perry's letter for completeness, keep both the "First
Draft" and the latest revised draft. You will need them in Chapters 4-6 and 8.
Well done!
In this chapter you looked at stages 3 and 4 in the Writing Process:
• Draft
• Revise
So now you can draft and revise a letter by using three important strategies.

You can make sure your document is complete by
1) checking the structure of your draft as you identify the five parts of a
letter (S-O-F-A-R)
2) checking the content of your draft as you identify the basic parts of
your writing plan (writer's purpose, reader's response, reader's
information)
3) checking the specific information in your draft as you answer the
5W1H questions.
In the next chapter, you'll continue learning how to revise. In Chapter 4, you
learn how to revise for cohesiveness.
See you there!
[ 2007-05-25 14:20 ]
Chapter 4

Overview
In Chapter 3, you learned how to
 draft a document and
 revise a document to make sure it is complete.
In this chapter you'll continue to learn how to revise what you write. You'll
concentrate on the paragraphs of your written documents. In other words, you'll
learn how to make your paragraphs cohesive.
 Plan
 Organise
 Draft
 Revise
 Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to revise your paragraphs and make
them cohesive.
Do you know what cohesive means?
Cohesive: when all the parts are related to form a whole.
You'll make your paragraphs cohesive by learning two things:
1) define a cohesive paragraph and
2) write a cohesive paragraph using
 a topic sentence
 supporting sentences and
 transitions.
Being Cohesive: What Is A Paragraph?
Look at the following letter. In Chapter 3, you revised it to make it complete. But
something is still wrong. Do you know what it is?
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green

PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that
the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. If you complete
and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately. Thank you for
your kind attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Answer:
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
What's wrong with this letter?
Can you see that
it only has one paragraph?
the paragraph is very long?
there are several unrelated ideas in the paragraph?
As a result, the paragraph in this letter is not cohesive.
You need to revise paragraphs like this.
To achieve this, you need to know the answer to the following question:
What is a cohesive paragraph?
Before you can write a cohesive paragraph, you need to know what a cohesive
paragraph is.
Do you know what a cohesive paragraph is?
Choose the option that you think best describes a cohesive paragraph.
1. A cohesive paragraph is one long sentence containing many unrelated ideas or
subjects.
2. A cohesive paragraph is a group of unrelated sentences containing many
unrelated ideas or subjects.
3. A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a
single idea or subject.
4. A cohesive paragraph is one long sentence containing one idea or subject.
Learning Point 1

A paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a single subject or
idea.
All the sentences in a paragraph should be related to that one idea.
If they're related, then the paragraph will be cohesive.
Remember: one paragraph, one idea. Begin a new paragraph each time you
introduce a new idea.
Now take a blank sheet of paper and try to revise the letter from Clever Man to
Ms Green.
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised
that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. If you
complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication.

For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form
were sent to you at an earlier date.
If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application
immediately.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Now there are four paragraphs instead of one. Each of these paragraphs, though,
contains just one sentence. You can have only one sentence in a paragraph.
However, a paragraph usually contains more than one sentence.
The rule is: New idea, new paragraph
You can practise this rule in the following exercise.
The ten sentences below all describe a market. Look at the sentences and then
answer the questions in boxes A and B.
The building between Henessey Road and Lockhart Road is the market.
It was built in 1875.
The market sells fresh food, like fish.
It also sells fruit.
It also sells vegetables.
It used to sell meat.
Meat is now sold in the supermarket.
The market is open seven days a week.
It is open from 7 am to 1 pm and then again from 4 pm to 8 pm.
It is closed during the New Year Holiday.
A:
If you were writing an essay on the
subject of the market using these
sentences, how many paragraphs do you
think you would need?
1，2，3，4
B:
What would be the main ideas of each of
these paragraphs?
Henessey Road
The building
The food
Opening times
The three paragraphs below contain the ten sentences from the above exercise.

1. The building The building between Henessey Road and Lockhart Road is the
market. It was built in 1875.
2. The food The market sells fresh food, like fish. It also sells fruit. It also sells
vegetables. It used to sell meat. Meat is now sold in the supermarket.
3. Opening times The market is open seven days a week. It is open from 7 am
to 1 pm and then again from 4 pm to 8 pm. It is closed during the New Year
Holiday.
Each of these paragraphs contains a group of sentences that are related to a
single idea. Can you identify the idea in each paragraph?
Answers:
Paragraph 1 talks about the building: where it's located and when it was built. It
doesn't talk about anything else.
Paragraph 2 talks about the different kinds of food that were sold and are sold
now. It doesn't talk about anything else.
Paragraph 3 talks about the opening times. It doesn't talk about anything else.
下一节我们将学习什么样的段落才算 Cohesive Paragraph，不要错过哦！
[ 2007-05-28 10:23 ]
Being Cohesive: What is a Cohesive Paragraph?
You've just learned how to define a cohesive paragraph:
A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences all related to one idea.

You're now going to learn how to write a cohesive paragraph.
Do you remember the three things that can help make each paragraph you write
cohesive?
 supporting sentences
 transitions
Being Cohesive: What Is A Topic Sentence?
In this section, you're going to discover two things:
 what a topic sentence is and
 what a topic sentence does.
In business writing, the topic sentence is
 usually the first sentence of the paragraph
 short, with only 7 to 10 words
 the most general sentence in the paragraph.
Look at the following example of a topic sentence. It describes the HSBC Home
Mortgage Loan.
Our Home Mortgage Loan eases the stress of buying property. Our terms are very
competitive. The flexible repayment schedule enables you to budget your expenses. In
addition, it gives you a clear picture of your financial commitment for the whole period.
Notice that the topic sentence
 is the first sentence of the paragraph
 has only ten words
 contains general information; the other sentences contain specific
information.
Being Cohesive: What Does A Topic Sentence Do?
Do you know what a topic sentence does?
In business writing, the topic sentence:
 summarises the main idea of the paragraph
 helps the reader predict what the paragraph is about.
Look again at the example of the topic sentence describing a mortgage loan. Note
that the topic sentence:
 summarises the main idea, ie that a Home Mortgage Loan eases the
stress of buying property
 suggests the rest of the paragraph will describe how the Loan eases
the stress.

Learning Point 2
The topic sentence summarises the main idea of the paragraph.
It is the most general sentence in the paragraph.
For maximum impact, the topic sentence should be short, with only 7-10 words.
In business writing, the topic sentence is usually the first sentence of the
paragraph. The topic sentence helps the reader predict what the
paragraph is about.
In the exercise below, each group of sentences could form a paragraph if they
were re-organised.
Try to identify the topic sentence in each group, ie the sentence that should go
first.
1.
a. Your staff need to feel that you value their work.
b. As a team leader, you face several challenges.
c. Staff also want to be treated as individuals.
d. In addition, you need to make them aware of the team's work.
e. Through your actions, you must earn their respect.
B introduces the idea of a team leader's challenges, the other sentences list some
of these challenges.
2.
a. Everyone also knows in what areas they need to improve.
b. Finally, everyone knows what is expected of them in the future.
c. In addition, everyone knows how they can improve.
d. A good appraisal system produces four results.
e. Everyone is aware of their achievements.
D introduces the idea of a good appraisal system saying there are four results.
The other sentenses list the four results.
3.
a. Inflation seems to be on the rise.
b. Every day the newspaper brings more bad news.
c. Older people are worried about their pension schemes.
d. Major department stores are closing down.
e. The unemployment figures are rising.
B introduces the statement that newspapers bring bad news. The other sentenses
list some examples of this bad news.

Being Cohesive: Topic Sentence
In this exercise, the topic sentence is missing. Write a topic sentence that
 introduces the subject of the paragraph and
 summarises the main idea of the paragraph.
1. Problems in service.
a. First, phones are answered too slowly.
b. Second, customers are put on hold too frequently.
c. Third, messages are not taken down accurately.
2. We can not agree on your request.
a. Our records show that your income has been irregular.
b. We also note that your overdraft limit has been reached.
c. Moreover, your other personal loan has not been fully repaid
Answer:
1. There is no model answer. However, you're doing well if your sentence contains an
expression similar to this: "There are three major problems with our telephone
answering service."
This sentence introduces the idea that is expanded upon in the other sentences.
2. There is no model answer. However, you're doing well if your sentence contains an
expression similar to this: "Unfortunately, we are unable to grant you another loan."
This sentence introduces the idea that is expanded upon in the other sentences.
[ 2007-05-29 14:56 ]
Being Cohesive: What Does A Supporting Sentence Do?

Now, you're going to learn another feature of cohesive paragraphs: supporting
sentences.
Do you know what a supporting sentence does?
In business writing, supporting sentences support the main idea by
 expanding or developing the main idea
 explaining, eg identifying causes, effects, reasons etc
 providing specific details.
Remember each supporting sentence must be related to the main idea
(topic sentence).
Look at the example paragraph again.
Our Home Mortgage Loan eases the stress of buying property. Our terms are very
competitive. The flexible repayment schedule enables you to budget your expenses. In
addition, it gives you a clear picture of your financial commitment for the whole
period.
Notice how the supporting sentences
 develop the main idea by continuing to talk about the Home Mortgage
Loan
 explain how the loan can ease the stress of buying a property
 provide specific details.
Also, see how each supporting sentence is related to the main idea (topic
sentence).
Finally, note the number of supporting sentences in a paragraph. The example
paragraph contains three. Usually, there are no more than five!
Learning Point 3
Supporting sentences support the main idea expressed in the topic sentence.
They do this by
 expanding or developing the main idea
 explaining, eg identifying causes, effects or reasons
 providing specific details.
Remember:
include only 1-5 supporting sentences in a paragraph
each supporting sentence must be related to the main idea.
Being Cohesive: Supporting Sentences

You can practise working with supporting sentences in the following exercise.
In each of the paragraphs that follow, there is a sentence that doesn't belong.
The first one has already been done as an example.
1.
a. Most people know that coffee contains caffeine.
b. Few people realise that tea also contains caffeine.
c. Many soft drinks, such as cola, contain caffeine as well.
d. Diet soft drinks contain fewer calories than regular soft drinks.
The fourth sentence doesn't belong in the paragraph because it discusses a
different idea. The paragraph is about "caffeine"; the fourth sentence is about
"calories".
Now try to find the sentence that doesn't belong in each of the three paragraphs
below.
2.
a. Our new Premier account has many benefits.
b. You can use your Premier card at any HSBC ATM machine worldwide free of
charge.
c. Also, you will receive a Premier Mastercard with no annual fee.
d. In addition, the minimum balance is $300,000.
D is not a benefit, it is a requirement.
3.
a. The company is experiencing serious financial difficulties.
b. For the past five years, the company has had low profits.
c. All important decisions are made at managers' monthly meetings.
d. Recruitment efforts have been curtailed to save money.
C says nothing to support the fact that the company is experiencing serious
financial difficulties.
4.
a. The company has become very selective in recruiting.
b. All executives must now be university graduates.
c. They will also receive an enhanced benefits package.
d. In addition they need to demonstrate computer skills.
e. Finally, they are required to pass an English test.
C does not support the idea that the company has become selective with its
recruiting.
Look at the two topic sentences below. Write two or three sentences that support
the main idea expressed in each topic sentence.

1. I recommend that Larry Grafton be promoted.
2. To finalize the details of the staff party, I would like some more information.
1. There is no model answer. However, if you gave reasons to support your
recommendation, then you've got the right idea.
"He has performed well throughout the year. Moreover, he shows potential beyond his
present position."
2. There is no model answer. However, if you gave more details about the
arrangements, you've got the right idea.
"Could you please tell me the exact number of guests and the seating arrangements? I
would also like to know if you would prefer a Chinese menu or an English menu."
下一次我们将教给大家怎样安排好写作中的过渡，请继续关注。
[ 2007-05-30 10:23 ]

Being Cohesive: What Are Transitions?
In this section, you're going to look at the next feature of cohesive paragraphs:
transitions.
Do you know what transitions do?
In business writing, transitions
 link sentences together and
 show the relationships between sentences.

What does this mean?
Read the following paragraph, which has NO transitions. What do you think of this
paragraph?
The customer had proper identification. Her records showed that her account was
overdrawn. She didn't have a pre-arranged overdraft facility. The counter service officer
couldn't make the withdrawal for her.
This is NOT an effective paragraph.
The ideas don't flow smoothly. The writer "jumps" from one idea to another. The
ideas are not linked together. It's difficult to guess what's coming next.
Being Cohesive: Different Types Of Transitions
Look at the paragraph again. This time, you will see that three types of transitions
are used.
The customer had proper identification. However, her records showed that her account
was overdrawn. In addition, she didn't have a pre-arranged overdraft facility. Therefore,
the counter service officer couldn't make the withdrawal for her.
The use of However at the beginning of the second sentence signals a change in
direction. It suggests a comparison / contrast is about to follow. If a customer has
the proper identification, you would expect everything to be okay. But, in this
case, everything is not okay and the word However tells you this.
In addition tells you of the other problem the writer wants to mention (ie, no
overdraft facility). It highlights the fact that there are two problems: the
customer's account is overdrawn and the customer has no overdraft facility. The
transition also shows you that these two problems are of equal importance.
Therefore draws your attention to the cause and effect relationship between the
ideas contained in this paragraph. The two problems mentioned above were the

cause. The final effect was that the counter service officer was unable to make
the withdrawal for the customer.
Can you see how transitions make a paragraph cohesive? Without them your
reader may get confused or misunderstand what you're trying to say.
Being Cohesive: 5 Types of Transitions
In the table below, five types of transitions are listed with some examples.
When you want to you can use Transition category
Give specific examples For example, Such as, To
illustrate, Namely
Example
Show the sequence of
actions or events,
giving instructions
First, Then, Finally, Earlier Sequence
Introduce additional
information of equal
importance
In addition, Also, Moreover,
Furthermore, Similarly,
Likewise
Equal weight
Show similarities or
differences
However, Yet, On the other
hand, But
Comparison/Contrast
Show results of
actions
Therefore, As a result, So,
Consequently
Cause-effect
In the previous screen, you saw how to use three types of transitions:
1) comparison / contrast
2) equal weight
3) cause-effect
Look at the following sentence to see how the other two categories of transitions
are used.
Then you can write an opening sentence, such as, "Thank you for your letter of 14
February 2000," ...
Notice how Then is giving an instruction for the next action in a sequence of
events.
Such as tells you that an example of an opening sentence (mentioned in the first
phrase) is about to follow.
Learning Point 4
There are five basic types of transitions:
Example
Sequence

Contrast / compare
Equal importance
Cause / effect.
Transitions make a paragraph cohesive by
 linking the sentences together smoothly
 showing the relationship between sentences
 helping us move quickly between ideas.
They show the reader where we've been and where we're going with our writing.
Being Cohesive: Transitions
In this exercise, choose the set of three transitions that you think is the most
suitable for the paragraph.
For example, if you think the correct transitions for paragraph 1 are
In addition, Consequently and Later, then choose option A
1. Nancy is very busy. She wants to go home but she has to telephone a long list
of new customers to confirm their orders. ________, she has to write many e-
mails. ________, she will have to stay late at the office. _______ , when she's
finished, she will go home.
A. In addition, Consequently, Later
B. If, Therefore, Besides
C. Then, Finally, Again
D. Then, For instance, Later
2. There will be an important company meeting this weekend. All the Directors
will be there. _____ , all the Senior Managers will be there. We will discuss new
business developments on Saturday. ____ , on Sunday, we will look at new
business strategies. _____ , the Chairman will address everyone and give a
speech in the evening before dinner.
A. Later, Finally, Consequently
B. In addition, Then, Finally
C. Later, So, Consequently
D. However, Before, For example
3. Life is full of difficult questions. ______ , what would you do if you suddenly
had an accident? _______ , what if the accident prevented you from working?
Maybe everything would be fine without HSBC insurance. _______ , for just a few
dollars each month, you could provide your family with complete peace of mind.
A. Also, In fact, On the other hand
B. Nevertheless, However, To illustrate

C. For example, Moreover, On the other hand
D. First, Then, For example
In each of the sentences below, the transitions are missing, unnecessary or
incorrect. Correct each sentence. After you've corrected a sentence, click "A" to
see the answer.
1. We sell insurance. We sell investment products.
We sell insurance. We also sell investment products. (missing transition)
2. Our advertising budget has increased over the last quarter. Sales have not
increased.
Our advertising budget has increased over the last quarter. However, sales have
not increased. - (missing transition)
3. Although, I wanted to go to the seminar, but I didn't have the time.
Remove either "although" or "but" (unnecessary transition)
4. Since Mr Jones was on sick leave, so the meeting was cancelled.
Remove either "since" or "so" (unnecessary transition)
5. Due to Mr Lewis arrived late, the meeting did not start on time.
Since Mr Lewis arrived late, the meeting did not start on time.
Replace "due to" with "since" - (incorrect transition)
So, now you know how to use transitions.
When you use topic sentences, supporting sentences and transitions correctly,
you will write cohesive paragraphs. You can use this knowledge whenever you
need to revise your documents.
Learning Point Summary
Remember:
When you revise your paragraphs to make them cohesive, you need
 only one idea in each paragraph
 a topic sentence that summarises the main idea
 supporting sentences that support the main idea
 transitions that link the sentences together

[ 2007-05-31 11:05 ]
Being cohesive:
Summary
In this chapter you learned how to define a cohesive paragraph.

A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a single
idea or subject.
You also looked at
topic sentences, which
 summarise the main idea and
 help the reader predict what the chapter is about
supporting sentences, which
 expand or develop the main idea
 explain, eg identify causes, effects or reasons
 provide specific details
transitions, which
 link sentences together
 show the relationship between sentences
 help the reader move quickly between ideas.
Everything you have learned in this chapter will help you to write cohesive
paragraphs when you revise your documents.
Summary Exercises
There are two summary exercises in this section.
In the first exercise, you're going to practise writing a cohesive paragraph.
SUMMARY EXERCISE 1
Write a short paragraph about
The benefits of traveller's cheques when travelling overseas.
You will need to think of a topic sentence and two or three supporting sentences.
You should also use some transitions.
Look at the following suggested answer:
When travelling overseas, traveller's cheques are much safer than cash. First,
traveller's cheques cannot be used by someone else. Second, they are protected
against loss or theft.
The first topic sentence introduces the main idea: "Traveller's cheques are much
safer than cash". The second and third sentences provide reasons that support
this idea: "Traveller's cheques cannot be used by someone else." and "They are
protected against loss or theft". The transitions show the sequence of the
reasons.

In Chapter 3 you drafted a letter to Mr Perry. Then you revised it for
completeness.
In this exercise, you'll revise the letter to Mr Perry again. This time, you'll try to
make the paragraphs cohesive.
To do this exercise, you'll need the letter which you revised in Chapter 3.
Check the cohesiveness of each paragraph.
If a paragraph is cohesive, it has
 a short topic sentence which summarises the main idea
 1-5 supporting sentences which are related to the main idea
 transitions which link the sentences together.
If a paragraph doesn't have any of these, you need to revise it to make it
cohesive.
You should write your revision on a piece of paper.
When you finish revising the paragraphs in your letter to Mr Perry, keep both the
"first draft" and this "second revision". You'll need them in Chapters 5 - 6 and 8.
Well Done!
In this chapter you continued to look at the fourth stage of the Writing Process:
Revise
So, now you know how to
1) define a cohesive paragraph and
2) write cohesive paragraphs which include
 supporting sentences and
 transitions.
In the next chapter, you'll continue to learn how to revise your documents. You'll
find out how to revise your sentences so they are clear and concise.
See you there!

[ 2007-06-01 11:26 ]
Overview
In Chapters 1-2, you studied the first two stages of the Writing Process: Plan and
Organise.

Then, in Chapters 3-4, you looked at the next two stages: Draft and Revise. In
drafting, you learned how to produce the first draft by only writing and not
editing. Then, you began revising and practised making your document complete
and your paragraphs cohesive.
However, you have not yet finished revising. You need to check the sentences you
wrote.
In this chapter, you'll learn how to make your sentences clear and concise.
Plan
Organise
Draft
Revise
Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to
 write clear and concise sentences
 revise sentences to make them clear and concise.
Once again, you'll work on revising the letters you read and wrote in Chapters 2-
4.
Revising: A Quick Review
In Chapters 2-4, you read a letter written by Clever Man.
That letter has already been revised twice.
In Chapter 3, the letter was revised to make it more complete.
In Chapter 4, it was revised again to make the paragraphs more cohesive.
Look at the revised letter below. It still seems difficult to understand. Why?
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS

For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were
sent to you at an earlier date.
If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application
immediately.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Read the letter again. Then try to answer the questions:
1) Which communication is the writer referring to?
2) What did the writer send?
3) When did the writer send the materials?
The questions are difficult to answer, aren't they?
You can understand the words that the writer used. After all, they are common
words - words which we often use.
However, the sentences are not very clear. Why? 下一次我们将来为大家解答这个问题。
[ 2007-06-04 13:59 ]
为什么商业信件一定要写得清楚明了？怎样才能将商业信件写得清楚明了？看似简单的问题，却不是每个
人都能做好。今天我们就来学习一下怎样将商业信件写得清楚明了。
Being Clear: Why Do It

Look at the first sentence from the letter again.
Why is this sentence unclear?
Which recent communication is the writer referring to?
Does the writer mean the communication received yesterday, last week or last month?
And what type of communication is the writer referring to?
Does the writer mean a telephone conversation, a letter or an e-mail?
The writer used vague terms, that is, very general words. Therefore, the sentences are not
very clear. The writer should mention the date of the communication as well as the type of
communication.
Look at the second sentence from the letter... and try to decide why it isn't clear.
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application were sent to
you at an earlier date.
Again, the writer is vague, isn't he? "An earlier date" could be last week, last month or
even last year.
However, there is another problem.
Did you also notice that the writer used jargon? He wrote about PPS.
HSBC staff may understand that the writer was referring to HSBC's Phone Payment
Service.
But what about the readers... the customers? Do they know what PPS means?
To the readers or customers, PPS is jargon.
Being Clear: How To Do It
Whenever you write to a colleague or customer, your reader should not have to guess what
you mean.
So, you need to make all of your sentences very clear. How can you do this?
To write clear sentences
 use specific terms, not vague terms, eg exact date, type of communication
etc

 avoid jargon, ie abbreviations or special words that the reader may not
understand.
The first strategy, then, is...
BE SPECIFIC
The sentence below is not clear. The writer has used vague terms.
"Please contact me as soon as possible."
How would you revise the sentence to make it clear?
Suggested answer:
"Please telephone me on 2398 4150 by Friday."
You can also be specific by being direct. This means that you write what you would say if
you were speaking with the person face-to-face.
The sentence below is unclear. The writer is being very indirect. Some writers think that
they need to use two "languages": one for writing and another one for speaking.
"It is with regret that I advise you that circumstances prevented me from completing this
project within the agreed time."
How would you revise this sentence to make it clear? (Hint: think of what you would say if
you were speaking with the person face-to-face.)
Suggested answer:
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't complete the project on time."
What else can you do to write clear sentences?
You can avoid using jargon, right? This is the second strategy.
AVOID JARGON
Look at the sentence below. The writer has used jargon.
"May I suggest that you apply for a POD?"
How would you revise this sentence to make it clear?
Suggested sentence:
"May I suggest that you apply for a Personal Overdraft?"

The exercise below will help you practise revising sentences to make them clear.
All of the sentences below are unclear. Rewrite the sentences to make them clear.
1) I suggest that you apply for a PIL.
I suggest that you apply for a Personal Instalment Loan.
2) The managers will discuss your proposal in due course.
The managers will discuss your proposal on Friday.
3) Please remit the relevant amount as soon as possible.
Please send your cheque for US$40 by 21 June 200X.
4) You can deposit cheques at designated ATMs.
You can deposit cheques at designated Automatic Teller Machines.
5) One of our CSOs will contact you later.
One of our Customer Service Officers will contact you within 24 hours.
You should now know how to revise sentences to make them clear.
Try to revise the unclear sentences in Clever Man's letter.
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent
to you at an earlier date.
If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.

Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Suggested sentences:
I refer to your telephone enquiry yesterday.
For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and
application form were sent to you on 20 April.
By using specific terms and avoiding jargon, the first two paragraphs are now
clearer.
But...
Something is still wrong with the second sentence. Do you know what it is?
Look at the sentence again. Try to read the whole sentence aloud without
stopping to take a breath.
"For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS)
details and application form were sent to you on 20 April."
Did you have to stop in the middle of the sentence to take a breath?
For most people, the sentence is just too long to read aloud in one breath.
If you write a long sentence, you create a problem for your readers. They may
need to read the sentence several times in order to understand it.
So, your sentences must not only be clear, they also must be concise.
[ 2007-06-04 13:59 ]
为什么商业信件一定要写得清楚明了？怎样才能将商业信件写得清楚明了？看似简单的问题，
却不是每个人都能做好。今天我们就来学习一下怎样将商业信件写得清楚明了。
Being Clear: Why Do It
Look at the first sentence from the letter again.

Why is this sentence unclear?
Which recent communication is the writer referring to?
Does the writer mean the communication received yesterday, last week or last
month?
And what type of communication is the writer referring to?
Does the writer mean a telephone conversation, a letter or an e-mail?
The writer used vague terms, that is, very general words. Therefore, the
sentences are not very clear. The writer should mention the date of the
communication as well as the type of communication.
Look at the second sentence from the letter... and try to decide why it isn't clear.
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application were
sent to you at an earlier date.
Again, the writer is vague, isn't he? "An earlier date" could be last week, last
month or even last year.
However, there is another problem.
Did you also notice that the writer used jargon? He wrote about PPS.
HSBC staff may understand that the writer was referring to HSBC's Phone
Payment Service.
But what about the readers... the customers? Do they know what PPS means?
To the readers or customers, PPS is jargon.
Being Clear: How To Do It
Whenever you write to a colleague or customer, your reader should not have to
guess what you mean.
So, you need to make all of your sentences very clear. How can you do this?
To write clear sentences
 use specific terms, not vague terms, eg exact date, type of
communication etc

 avoid jargon, ie abbreviations or special words that the reader may not
understand.
The first strategy, then, is...
BE SPECIFIC
The sentence below is not clear. The writer has used vague terms.
"Please contact me as soon as possible."
How would you revise the sentence to make it clear?
Suggested answer:
"Please telephone me on 2398 4150 by Friday."
You can also be specific by being direct. This means that you write what you
would say if you were speaking with the person face-to-face.
The sentence below is unclear. The writer is being very indirect. Some writers
think that they need to use two "languages": one for writing and another one for
speaking.
"It is with regret that I advise you that circumstances prevented me from
completing this project within the agreed time."
How would you revise this sentence to make it clear? (Hint: think of what you
would say if you were speaking with the person face-to-face.)
Suggested answer:
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't complete the project on time."
What else can you do to write clear sentences?
You can avoid using jargon, right? This is the second strategy.
AVOID JARGON
Look at the sentence below. The writer has used jargon.
"May I suggest that you apply for a POD?"
How would you revise this sentence to make it clear?
Suggested sentence:

"May I suggest that you apply for a Personal Overdraft?"
The exercise below will help you practise revising sentences to make them clear.
All of the sentences below are unclear. Rewrite the sentences to make them clear.
1) I suggest that you apply for a PIL.
I suggest that you apply for a Personal Instalment Loan.
2) The managers will discuss your proposal in due course.
The managers will discuss your proposal on Friday.
3) Please remit the relevant amount as soon as possible.
Please send your cheque for US$40 by 21 June 200X.
4) You can deposit cheques at designated ATMs.
You can deposit cheques at designated Automatic Teller Machines.
5) One of our CSOs will contact you later.
One of our Customer Service Officers will contact you within 24 hours.
You should now know how to revise sentences to make them clear.
Try to revise the unclear sentences in Clever Man's letter.
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent
to you at an earlier date.

Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Suggested sentences:
For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and
application form were sent to you on 20 April.
By using specific terms and avoiding jargon, the first two paragraphs are now
clearer.
But...
Something is still wrong with the second sentence. Do you know what it is?
Look at the sentence again. Try to read the whole sentence aloud without
stopping to take a breath.
Did you have to stop in the middle of the sentence to take a breath?
For most people, the sentence is just too long to read aloud in one breath.
If you write a long sentence, you create a problem for your readers. They may
need to read the sentence several times in order to understand it.
So, your sentences must not only be clear, they also must be concise.
[ 2007-06-05 12:28 ]
Being Concise: How To Do It
What is a concise sentence?
A concise sentence is a short sentence.

How can you keep your sentences short?
Look at the long sentence below and try to make it shorter. Write your revision on
a piece of paper.
Suggested revision:
"I would like to advise you of the details.
We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20
April."
Take a moment to compare your own revision with the one above.
How are the two revisions similar? How are they different?
In the revision above, three strategies were used to make the original sentence
shorter.
To write concise sentences
 write only the necessary words
 write only one idea in each sentence
 write only in the active voice of the verb.
STRATEGY 1 - WRITE ONLY THE NECESSARY WORDS
The original sentence contains some unnecessary words.
One phrase - "For your information" - is unnecessary. Why? Because this phrase
does not add any meaning to the sentence. It only makes it longer. So, you can
remove it.
"Please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application
form were sent to you on 20 April."
Actually, many unnecessary words are used in business correspondence.
A common example is "forward planning". In this phrase, "forward" is
unnecessary. After all, does anyone ever plan backwards?
Look at the 'wordy phrases' below. Remove the unnecessary words to make the
phrases more concise.

1) repeat again
2) small in size
3) cooperate together
4) for the purpose of
Answer: unnecessary words: again, in size, together, the purpose of
STRATEGY 2 - ONE IDEA IN EACH SENTENCE
The original sentence actually has two main ideas.
"Please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application
form were sent to you on 20 April."
There are two ideas in the sentence because there are two main verbs in the
sentence: "advise" and "sent".
So, you can separate the two main ideas - and the two main verbs - into two
sentences.
"I would like to advise you of the details.
The Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you
on 20 April."
Actually, you can separate the sentences into two paragraphs. Do you know why?
You can use two paragraphs because
"to advise" is the purpose of this letter, which is part of the "Opening" in the
SOFAR outline.
the fact that the application was sent belongs in the "Facts" section.
Refer to Chapter 2 if you need more information about the SOFAR outline.
A long sentence has more than one verb. You can make a long sentence shorter
by writing a separate sentence for each main verb in the long sentence.
Remember: if you write long sentences, you create a problem for your
readers. They need to read the sentence several times in order to
understand it.
Recent research has shown that
 if your sentence has 10 words or less, your reader will understand 98%
of the message after reading it once

 if your sentence has 20 words or less, your reader will understand 75%
of the message after reading it once
 if your sentence has more than 20 words, your reader will understand only
4% of the message after reading it once (and will have to read it again and
again and... ).
STRATEGY 3 - USE THE ACTIVE VOICE
The original sentence has now been revised as two sentences.
The second sentence contains a verb in the passive voice.
"The Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you
on 20 April."
Usually, a verb in the passive voice uses more words. It is also more
difficult for the reader to understand. So, you can change the verb from the
passive to the active voice.
"We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20
April."
In business correspondence, you should use the active voice as much as
possible.
However, there are some situations when it is more suitable to use the passive
voice.
Look at the six sentences below. They all contain a verb in the passive voice. In
three sentences, the verb should be changed to the active voice. However, in the
other three sentences, the verb should not be changed.
Try to identify which three sentences should not be changed.
1) Our manager was contacted by your office yesterday.
2) Ms Chan's credit cards were stolen last week.
3) Stopping payment of the cheques was considered by Mr Smith.
4) Your request for an assistant was approved.
5) The computer is now used by most staff for their correspondence.
6) Your deposit was not made through the Automated Teller Machine.
Keys: 2), 4), 6)
In business writing, you should use the active voice of the verb as much as
possible.
However, you should use the passive voice of the verb in three situations:

l the person doing the action is not known
(Ms Chan's credit cards were stolen last week.)
l the person doing the action is not important
( Your request for an assistant was approved.)
l the person doing the action shouldn't be blamed
(Your deposit was not made through the Automated Teller Machine.)
Do the exercise below to practise revising sentences to make them concise.
All of the sentences below can be made shorter.
Rewrite the sentences to make them concise. You can split the sentences if you
like.
1) The cheque has not been received by us and if you want to stop payment of it
please sign and return the enclosed form. (24 words).
2) We have lowered interest rates with a view to stimulating consumer spending.
(12 words)
3) The revised insurance policy has been enclosed for your reference and please
contact us if you have any questions. (19 words)
4) It is the same and identical approach used by us last year. (12 words)
Suggested revisions:
1) We have not received your cheque yet. To stop payment, please sign and
return the enclosed form. (17 words)
2) We have lowered interest rates to stimulate consumer spending. (9 words)
3) We have enclosed the revised insurance policy. If you have any questions,
please call us on 2345-xxxx. (17 words)
4) We used the same approach last year. (7 words)
我们已经学会怎样将商务信件写得简洁明了，但是这就足够了吗？请继续关注下面的课程：怎
样将商务信件写好。
[ 2007-06-06 11:27 ]

只是将信件写得简洁明了还是不够的，语言也是一个重要的因素：你的用语要够“现代”，才能
更好地沟通。
Being Clear and Concise: Is It Enough?
The letter below is clear and concise. But there still is a problem. Do you know
what it is?
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
Phone Payment Service (PPS)
I would like to advise you of the details.
We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Using Modern English: Why Do It
The letter still contains some "old-fashioned business English".
Look at the last paragraph of the letter.
"Thank you for your kind attention."
Does this sentence look familiar? Have you ever read - or written - this sentence
at the end of a letter? Have you ever thought what this sentence means?

This remark only tells the reader two things:
 that they need to read the letter "kindly" (how does the reader do that?)
 that they need to read the letter "attentively" (again, how does the reader
do that?).
It seems that the writer only wants the reader to read the letter...and not do
anything else.
This sentence is an example of old-fashioned business English. There are many
other examples, but, we shouldn't use any of them!
In all of your business writing, you should use plain and modern English. Your
readers will like it. You'll also show that you represent a modern company.
Using Modern English: How To Do It
Study the table below. Avoid the old-fashioned expressions. Use only the modern
words and phrases.
Old-fashioned Modern
acknowledge receipt of I have received
advise inform/tell
assuring you of our best attention at all
times
(nothing)
as per your request as you requested
attached herewith please find I have attached
captioned (nothing)
deem believe / consider
due to the fact that because / as
Esteemed Sir Dear Sir
to forward to send
at your earliest convenience (exact date)
hereby/ herein/ herewith (nothing)
in compliance with your request as you requested
kindly please
permit me to say (nothing)
prior to before
pursuant to after
queries questions
under separate cover separately
we beg to remain (nothing)
with regard to regarding
In his letter to Fiona Green, Clever Man included some old-fashioned business
English.
In his second paragraph (where he stated his purpose for writing), he wrote

I would like to advise you of the details.
If you revised that sentence to make it more modern, you could write
I would like to tell you the details.
In his last paragraph (the concluding remark), Clever Man wrote
If you revised that remark to make it more modern, you could write
Both of these revisions show good customer service. Both revisions also sound
natural, don't they? They sound as if you're speaking with the customer
face-to-face.
This is the final revision of the letter. Compare it with the original letter on the
right, and remind yourself of the revision strategies that you've learned so far.
https://www.facebook.com/hoc.huynhba
FINAL
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
Phone Payment Service (PPS)
I refer to your telephone enquiry
yesterday.
I would like to tell you the details.
We sent you the Phone Payment Service
(PPS) details and application form on 20
April.
If you complete and return the form to
us, we can process your application
immediately.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
ORIGINAL
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for
your information please be advised that the
PPS details and application form were sent to
you at an earlier date. Thank you for your kind
attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
71

[ 2007-06-07 09:42 ]
Summary
In this chapter, you focused on revising your sentences to make them clear and
concise.
To make your sentences clear, you need to
 be specific and
 avoid jargon.
To make your sentences concise, you need to write
 only the necessary words
 only one idea per sentence
 usually in the active voice.
Finally, you need to use plain and modern English (instead of "old fashioned
business English").
Summary Exercises

There are two exercises in this section. In Exercise 1, you'll review what you
learned in this chapter. In Exercise 2, you'll practise revising a letter to make your
sentences clear and concise.
EXERCISE 1
Revise the following sentences to make them clear, concise and modern. Type
your answers in the space provided.
1) I acknowledge receipt of your letter which was written on 4 June.
I received your letter of 4 June.
2) In compliance with your request, I will send you the PIL information tomorrow.
As requested, I will send you information on the Personal Instalment Loan (PIL)
tomorrow.
3) We cannot provide a new cheque book immediately due to the fact that it
takes a few days for printing.
We are unable to provide a new cheque book immediately as it takes a few days
to print.
4) With reference to the captioned subject, I am pleased to inform you that your
application is successful. [the "captioned subject" is "HSBC Classic Visa card"]
I am pleased to inform you that your application for an HSBC Classic Visa card is
successful.
5) Kindly fill in the attached form and forward it to me at your earliest
convenience.
Please fill in the attached form and send it to me by 4 June.
In Chapter 3 you drafted a letter to Mr Perry and then revised the document for
completeness. In Chapter 4, your revised the paragraphs of the letter to make
them cohesive.
In this exercise, you'll revise the letter to Mr Perry again. This time, you'll try to
make the sentences clear and concise.
To do this exercise, you'll need the letter that you revised in Chapter 4.
Check each sentence to ensure that it is clear and concise.

To make a sentence clear, you need to
 be specific and
 avoid jargon.
To make a sentence concise, you need to
 include only the necessary words
 include only one idea
 avoid the passive voice of the verb
 avoid old-fashioned business English.
Write your revision on a piece of paper.
When you've finished revising the sentences in your letter to Mr Perry, keep both
the "first draft" and this "third revision". You'll need them in Chapters 6 and 8.
Well Done!
In this chapter you continued to look at the fourth stage of the Writing Process:
Revise.
So, now you know how to
write clear and concise sentences
revise sentences to make them clear and concise.
In the next chapter, you'll continue to learn how to revise your documents. You'll
discover how to revise your sentences to make them courteous.
See you there!

汇丰商务英语写作教程（21）
[ 2007-06-08 13:25 ]
You've almost completed the revising stage of the Writing Process.
In the previous three chapters, you learned how to make
 your documents complete
 your paragraphs cohesive
 your sentences clear and concise.
In this chapter, you'll finish the revising stage as you learn how to make your
sentences courteous (the last "C").
 Plan
 Organise
 Draft
 Revise
Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to
l write courteous sentences
l revise sentences to make them courteous.

You'll also continue to revise the letter you're writing to Mr Perry.
Being Clear and Concise: A Quick Review
Do you remember how to make your writing more clear and concise?
To review, look at the 6 example sentences below. They are neither clear nor
concise.
Match each sentence with one of the writing problems below.
Please see me as soon as possible.
The information was sent to you yesterday.
If you contact one of our CSOs she can help you
apply for a PIL.
Please kindly come to our information counter.
If we all cooperate together we will have greater
success in the coming future.
Please come to your nearest branch to discuss
the loan process with our manager and then you
can apply for it and it should be processed by the
end of the month.
Unspecific information
Passive voice instead of active
Jargon
Old-fashioned expression
Unnecessary words
More than 1 idea in each sentence
Being Courteous: How To Do It
Whenever you write a memo, letter, fax or e-mail, you need to remember that all
your readers (including your colleagues) are your "customers".
To provide excellent customer service, you need to be courteous.
To write courteously, remember the 4 "Ps".
 be Polite
 be Positive
 be Personal

 be Professional.
下一次，我们将继续讲述 4"Ps"。
汇丰商务英语写作教程（22）
[ 2007-06-11 13:46 ]
Being Courteous: How To Be Polite
To write courteous sentences, you need to use the first "P" - be polite.
Imagine that you have received the memo below from your manager. How does it
make you feel?
From: General Manager Reference:
Subject: Team meeting
A team meeting will be held on 13 April to discuss cost-saving measures.
All team members have to attend this important meeting.
Everyone must submit at least one idea by 5:30 pm on 10 April.
The memo is very clear and concise. However, it's not very polite, is it?

Look at the final sentence.
"Everyone must submit at least one idea by 5:30 pm on 10 April."
It sounds like an order or command, doesn't it?
How can you rewrite that "command" to make it sound more polite?
Suggested revision:
"Please submit one idea by 5:30 pm on 10 April."
You can change a command into a polite request by changing a few words.
Remember, you only need to change a few words to make a sentence more polite.
Look at the original "command" and the two revisions below:
"Everyone must submit one idea" (original)
"I would like everyone to submit one idea... " (revision)
"May I ask everyone to submit one idea... " (revision)
The revisions sound more polite. Do you know why?
USE MODAL VERBS
Using a modal verb – e.g. could, would, may, might - also makes a sentence
sound much more polite.
Look at the sentence below.
"Send me all the information on overdue accounts."
How would you use a modal verb to make this sentence more polite?
"I would like you to send me all the information on overdue accounts."
Your sentences will be polite if you use "magic words" and modal verbs. Is there
anything else you can do?
TURN STATEMENTS INTO QUESTIONS
You also can make a sentence more polite by turning it into a question.
Turn the original "command" below into a question...and see the difference.

Chinese english writing skill - 商务写作教程

Chinese english writing skill - 商务写作教程

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