(MBASkills.IN) How to Win Friends and Influence People

1
Sameer Mathur, Ph.D. (Carnegie Mellon University) http://www.BuddingMarkets.com
1
How to Win
Friends and
Influence
People

Marketing Professor 2009 – 2013
Ph.D. and M.S. (Marketing) 2003 – 2009
Marketing Professor 2013 –
Indian Institute of Management,
Lucknow
2
© Sameer Mathur 2
Prof. Sameer Mathur
http://www.BuddingMarkets.com

Section 1
3
Fundamental
Techniques in Handling
People

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1. “If You Want To Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over The Beehive”
Most people don’t respond very well to criticism,
condemnation, or complaint, so if you’re feeling such things
about someone, just bite your tongue and hold back. By doing
this, you avoid adding unnecessary negativity to a
conversation, negativity that can very easily backfire on you
by making others think less of you.
Section 1

5
2. The Big Secret of Dealing With People
Speak positively of others every chance
you get. Think of a few positive things to
say about each person you know and then
reference those positive attributes when
you can.
Section 1

6
3. “He Who Can Do This Has
The Whole World With Him.
He Who Cannot Walks A
Lonely Way”
Section 1

7
Make the other person interested
in you by leading with the things
that are useful to them. Take a
cover letter, for example; don’t
lead with “I want this job,” but
instead with something stating
your best characteristic for that
job.
Section 1

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Section 2
Section 2: Six Ways to Make
People Like You

Six Ways to Make People Like You
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1. Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere
in essence.
Carnegie says that you should become genuinely interested in
other people, which is rather challenging for most introverts to
do. What I’ve found that works for me is that I try to internalize
what other people are saying – does this make sense in my life?
Then, I try to express what I figure out – it shows that I am taking
an actual interest in what they’re saying.

10
2. A Simple Way to Make a Good First
Impression
All you have to do is smile, but it’s harder
than it sounds. I generally find success
by greeting people in a positive fashion
while imagining things that make me
happy – it makes it much easier to bring
forth a smile.

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3. If You Don’t Do This, You Are
Headed For Trouble
I am very good with names – I can
recall facts about people by name
without any trouble – but I run into
issues when I see a face and try to
put a name to it…

12
…Carnegie suggests getting as good as you can
with it. I’ve found that if I really need to remember
someone’s name with their face, particularly before
a conference, I look at their picture online with
some regularity. This helps me to imprint their
image in my mind and then be able to recall their
name quickly after meeting them.

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4. An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist
Here, Carnegie says the best way to
be seen as being a good
conversationalist is to genuinely
listen to others. I’ve always found
this part to be easy – it’s the
speaking part that I find challenging.

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5. How to Interest People
The key technique here is to translate what you hear into
talking about what interests the person you’re speaking to.
Listen for things that they are interested in that you know
something about, and then follow that point as a train of
conversation – don’t just interject your current passions
into the discussion, because they might not be shared.

15
6. How to Make People Like You Instantly
If you want to build a real bond with someone else, make it
clear how important that person is to you and do it in a way that
the sincerity of the feeling comes across. I find a great way to
do this is actually by connecting two people I know together – I
introduce them to each other with a compliment to both of
them, especially if I know something that they’ll have a mutual
interest in.

16
Section 3
How to Win People to
Your Way of Thinking

How To Win People To Your Way Of
Thinking
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1. You Can’t Win An Argument
So, avoid arguments. If something looks
like it might be turning into one, just let it
drop as gracefully as you can and move
on. Doing this over and over again will
make you appear levelheaded and
rational.

Thinking
18
2. A Sure Way of Making Enemies – and
How to Avoid It
The easiest way to make an enemy is to
tell them that they are wrong. Instead of
doing that, say something like, “I never
thought of it that way before” and ask
questions, whether or not you feel the
position has merit or not.

Thinking
19
3. If You’re Wrong, Admit It
If you are revealed to be wrong, just admit it and
be very clear about the admission. Don’t try to
hide it under sulking or arrogance, because you’ll
just amplify the negativity of those behaviors
when you’ve clearly been exposed as being
wrong.

Thinking
20
4. A Drop of Honey
Often, you have to enter
conversations where you’re going
to have to deliver some bad news or
a negative report. You can make this
go much easier by starting off with
the positives…

Thinking
21
…for example, if you have terrible service at an
otherwise good restaurant, don’t shout at the
manager about it – tell him the things you did like
first, then point out that some service problems may
be tarnishing the reputation of the restaurant. This
actually works really well for making the
conversation go well and it has earned me a few
vouchers, too.

Thinking
22
5. The Secret of Socrates
If you’re trying to convince someone of your
argument, start off with base points that
you’re absolutely sure they will agree with and
ask them to acknowledge that agreement.
Then, when you move from step to step, keep
getting those positive acknowledgements. A
string of “yeses” is more likely to yield
another “yes”.

Thinking
23
6. The Safety Valve in Handling
Complaints
When someone comes to you to
complain about something, don’t
interject and start an argument. Let
them blow off their steam and only
respond when they’re finished…

Thinking
24
…Ask questions to encourage them
to speak even more. This will often
cause them to vent off most or all of
their issue, which makes it much
easier for the problem to be handled
rationally at the end of the
conversation.

Thinking
25
7. How to Get Cooperation

Thinking
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If you can, lead them to the conclusion of the argument.
Present all of the ideas up front, then state your conclusion
and ask for their approval
on it with a nice “What do you think?” Listen to what they have
to say and then try to incorporate it. In the end, they will feel
like the idea is theirs and will come out of the conversation
feeling quite positive about things. This is a great way to get a
supervisor to incorporate a change in
the workplace.

Thinking
27
8. A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You
If you just don’t understand where someone is coming from,
spend a bit of time trying to put yourself in that person’s shoes.
Why would this person feel this way about the situation?
Usually, putting yourself in their shoes for a while will reveal a
few things that weren’t entirely clear to
you before and might just lead directly to a healthy
understanding and solution to the problem at hand.

Thinking
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9. What Everybody Wants
Inevitably, someone will come to you
with an untenable idea or desire that
you simply can’t approve of. In that
case, at least show approval of the
feelings and thoughts that brought
the suggestion to bear.

Thinking
29
10. An Appeal That Everybody Likes
Regardless of whether or not you feel a claim is legitimate or
not, respond to it with sincerity by appealing to fundamental
societal ideas of right and wrong and fair play. Frame your
response in such a way that the person’s fundamental sense
of right and wrong is put into play when they
hear what you have to say.

Thinking
30
11. The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?
If you have a great idea, think of how to incorporate it into
a story. Relate it directly to a human experience and tell
that story as you’re trying to tell your idea. Connecting the
concept to a tale will always make it work – that’s the
reason fables stay around for thousands of years.

Thinking
31
12. When Nothing Else Works, Try This
If you can’t get your ideas and motivational speeches to work,
throw down a direct challenge. This doesn’t mean saying
something like “I challenge you…”; just do something to get
their competitive spirit going. By doing this well, you can draw
even more of their spirit into completing the objective.

32
Section 4
Be a Leader: How to Change People
Without Giving Offense or Arousing
Resentment

Be a Leader
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1. If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin
If you’re going to find fault in a person or an organization, start
off by stating their positive attributes and the things that you
find good about the person or the group. Then, once you’ve
established that there are positive attributes and you’re not just
railing on them, you can move onto the criticism.

Be a Leader
34
2. How to Criticize – and Not Be Hated for It
If you’re going to criticize something, you’re
better off criticizing it indirectly, usually by
offering a positive suggestion in another
direction. Let’s say, for example, that I were
to write a piece here that you didn’t agree
with.

Be a Leader
35
Rather than trying to trash the argument,
one could merely say that I could word it
differently and suggest some phrase
changes so it didn’t come off as
overbearing, thus alerting me indirectly
to some of the big flaws in the argument.

Be a Leader
36
3. Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
Another effective way to blunt the sting of
criticism is to tell of your own faults and mistakes
first. Let’s say you’re trying to advise someone
about debts. One way to make the advice more
effective is to talk of your own problems with
accruing debt.

Be a Leader
37
4. No One Likes to Take Orders
If you need to instruct someone to do
something, instead of shouting out an order,
ask some questions about the problem and
lead them to a solution in which they can
participate. If you involve them in the
solution by asking questions, not only will
they do it, they’ll feel involved in the
solution.

Be a Leader
38
5. Let the Other Person Save Face
If you’ve just offered up criticism,
allow the other person plenty of space
to save face. Let them correct the
mistake if they can, or at least give
them the opportunity to do so – only
after this opportunity should you seek
change.

Be a Leader
39
Your belief might be to get rid of the
problem completely, but by letting the
problem at least have a chance to be
solved, you not only appear more fair to
the person or group in question, you
appear more humane and a much more
sound leader to everyone else.

Be a Leader
40
6. How to Spur People On to Success
Whenever someone shows any sign of
improvement, make it clear to that person – and
to others – that you notice and appreciate it. I
recall an experience in a workplace where we
had to turn out “units” every so often…

Be a Leader
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…The average person on the team
was turning out eight or nine units a
day, while one person was working
steadily but only turning out five.
After talking to a supervisor about it,
he tried some new techniques and
produced six a day – and seven on
the final day of the week…

Be a Leader
42
…The boss made it a point to praise him at a
meeting, stating that he had cranked up productivity
more than 20%, even though he was still the lowest
producer. Eventually, he began to produce at the
level of everyone else because he now believed he
could do it.

Be a Leader
43
7. Give a Dog a Good Name
When you introduce someone or mention
them in a group setting, always talk them up.
Give them a standard to live up to as you
introduce them and they’ll try hard to live up
to that standard. The reverse is true; if you
don’t say much or criticize them as you
introduce them, they’ll live up to that lowly
standard instead.

Be a Leader
44
8. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
If you’re giving advice to someone about how to correct a
problem, try to make the problem seem easy to correct. Offer up
lots of pointers that on their own seem quite easy and let that
person believe that they’re all easy and that they can do it. Making
the suggestions for correcting the fault seem difficult makes the
person think that it’s going to be very hard and they’re doomed to
failure – not an easy road to follow.

Be a Leader
45
9. Making People Glad to Do What You Want
Once you know a person, you know where
their points of pride are. When you ask them
for something, make sure that they see the
connection to things that they pride
themselves on, and also be sure to
compliment them on those points of pride…

Be a Leader
46
…Put it in a context of the
bigger goals and let them see
that you see even their simple
piece as a vital part of the
puzzle. Doing these things
will make people much
happier to follow your
requests with happiness.

Image Credits
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• http://www.cbii.com/images/people-handshake.jpg
• http://www.personalitytutor.com/files/2012/02/How-To-Be-Positive.jpg
• http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs50/f/2009/260/c/9/Walking_alone_by_al_fahad515.jpg
• http://pad1.whstatic.com/images/thumb/6/67/Train-Someone-to-Do-Your-Job-Step-6.jpg/550px-Train-Someone-to-Do-Your-Job-Step-6.jpg
• http://work.chron.com/DM-Resize/photos.demandstudios.com/getty/article/214/154/dv1080023.jpg?w=600&h=600&keep_ratio=1
• http://img.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/article_thumbnails/features/_2012/07_2012/what_does_your_smile_say_ab
out_you_features/375x321_what_does_your_smile_say_about_you_features.jpg
• http://meganandtimmy.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/cant-remember.jpg
• http://ronepraisehouston.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/86490082.jpg
• http://blog.logmycalls.com/Portals/155740/images/argument-sales-marketing.jpg
• http://lookingtobusiness.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Sales-Argument.gif
• http://www.european-coatings.com/var/ezflow_site/storage/images/european-coatings/home/markets-companies/nubiola-expands-its-distribution-
agreement-with-keyser-mackay/508595-1-eng-GB/Nubiola-expands-its-distribution-agreement-with-Keyser-Mackay.jpg

Image Credits
48
• http://llbartlett.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8345202e069e2015435652465970c-800wi
• http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3pnLJuGkdp0/UR36z_OCmXI/AAAAAAAAATk/Fk4w7xY6sIU/s1600/complaining1.jpg
• http://beniciaherald.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/adam-jennydress.jpg
• http://comfortmemorials.com/site1/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Comfort_1.jpg
• http://blogs-images.forbes.com/susantardanico/files/2013/01/dreamstime_m_85361844.jpg
• http://www.healthguidance.org/hgimages/16451Criticizing.jpg
• http://commonsenseatheism.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/criticizing-hitchens.png
• http://careers.queensu.ca/students/services/advising/advising.jpg
• http://wp.streetwise.co/wp-content/blogs.dir/2/files/2013/03/leaders-wanted.gif
• http://www.uh-72a.com/images/the-team/Our-Team_5-31-2013.jpg
• http://pad1.whstatic.com/images/thumb/4/44/Impress-Someone-on-a-First-Date-Step-10-Version-2.jpg/550px-Impress-Someone-on-a-
First-Date-Step-10-Version-2.jpg
• http://www.sense.org.uk/sites/default/files/man_on_mens_shoulders_304r.jpg
• http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2012/10/16/1350397525335/business-goals-010.jpg

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