Seek First To Understand,
Then Be Understood
Habit 5

The deepest need of the
human heart is to be
understood.

Communication is…
• Understanding between people
• An interdependent process
• Not necessarily agreement
• Constant. You cannot NOT communicate.
We constantly give and receive
communications.

5 Poor Communication Styles
- Most of us don’t know how to listen
properly or effectively.
1. Spacing Out
2. Pretend Listening
3. Selective Listening
4. Word Listening
5. Self-Centered Listening (three types)

1. Spacing Out
• Caught up in our own thoughts so we end
up ignoring what the other person is
saying.

2. Pretend Listening
• Aren’t paying much attention but we
pretend to by making noise at key
junctures.

3. Selective Listening
• Paying attention to only part of the
conversation that interests us.

4. Word Listening
• We pay attention to what someone is
saying but we pay attention only to the
words and not the non-verbal
communication.

Three Kinds of
Self-Centered Listening

1. Advising
• When we give unsolicited advice drawn
from our own experience.

2. Judging
• Instead of listening to what the other
person is saying, we make judgments
about them in the back of our minds.

Judging
Friend: I met a guy last night.
Me: That’s awesome! (Oh, brother. I bet he’s just
like the last one. A big ol’ loser. Why does she
do this to herself. I bet she met him at that same
seedy bar she always goes to.) Where’d you
meet him?
Friend…. (I bet she was wearing something
unflattering, too.)
Me: What did you wear, girl! Gimme all the deets.

Probing
• When you try to dig up emotions before
people are ready to share them.
• Parent/Child
• Romantic relationships
• Friends

Probing
Friend: I met a guy.
Me: What? When were you going to tell me?
Friend: It’s new and I didn’t want to say anything yet.
Me: So tell me about him, girl!
Friend: He’s nice.
Me: Where’d you meet?
Friend: Work.
Me: Does he treat you like the last one because, girl, I
swear I will make him wish….
Friend: Just stop, all right? It’s new. We’re trying things out.
Me: Okay (pauses a beat.) So have you kissed him yet?
Friend: Seriously? Drop it. Please.

Seek First To Understand,
Then Be Understood
Habit 5

Recap…
5 Poor Communication Styles
1. Spacing Out
2. Pretend Listening
3. Selective Listening
4. Word Listening
5. Self-Centered Listening (three types)

THE GOAL:
Unselfish Listening
• Genuinely interested in what the other
person is saying and feeling.
• Empathy

Principles of Communication
• People are not mind
readers
• People judge you by your
behavior, not your intent
• Successful communication
is dependent on what is
heard not what is said.

How We Communicate
1. What people can see
2. What they hear
3. What we actually say

It’s not just about words
• Face to face:
– Verbal  7%
– Body language  55%
– Vocal (tone)  40%
• Phone
– Words (verbal) 12%
– Vocal (tone)  87%
– Body Language  1% (smile when you talk)

7%
55%
40%
Communication
Words
Body Language
Tone

To hear what other people
are really saying, you
need to listen to what they
are not saying.

Mirroring vs. Mimicking
Mimicking:
- What your younger siblings do to irritate
you.
Mirroring:
- Repeating back in your own words what
the other person is saying and feeling.

Your Voice Quality (Tone)
• Take deep, expansive breaths. Naturally, many
of us breathe shallowly, this can cause the voice
to sound thin and weak.
• Deeper voices have more credibility than higher
pitched voices; practice speaking in a slightly
lower octave.
• Enunciate so you are clearly understood the first
time.
• Smile and gesture when you talk.

Enunciation Exercises
• Open and close mouth easily as you
repeat: Fah Fah Fah Fah Blah Blah
• Loosening your jaw:
Sah Kah She Fah Rah
Pah Kah She Fah Rah
Wah Kah She Fah Rah
Baj Kah She Fah Rah
Dah Kah She Fah Rah
• Loosening your lips: www www www bbb bbb
bbb wbw wbw wbw

Enunciation Exercises
Phrases for precise articulation:
• The tip of the tongue, the teeth, and the
lips
• We'll weather the weather whatever the
weather whether we like it or not
• Red leather, yellow leather
• Can I cook a proper cup of coffee in a
copper coffee pot?
• Unique New York, Unique New York

Seek First To Understand,
Then Be Understood
Habit 5

Non Verbal Communication
• Eye contact
• Facial expression
• Tone of voice
• Posture and gesture
• Touch
• Intensity
• Timing and pace
• Sounds

A Proper Handshake
• Firm…. No limp fish hands. Ick.
• …but not too hard. You’re not trying to
crush the other person’s hand.
• No “lady fingers”. This isn’t your cotillion.
Grip palm to palm.
• Look them in the eye, not at their hand.
• Smile.

Activity
1. Choose a partner.
2. Look them in the eyes, without speaking,
for thirty seconds.
How many were uncomfortable? Why?
Is there ever a time where prolonged eye
contact appropriate?

Evaluating Body Language

Evaluating Body Language
Mirroring posture

Evaluating Body Language

Evaluating Body Language

…Then seek to be understood
• Now that you can listen,
you need to be able to
communicate ideas
effectively
• The best leaders are the
ones who can clearly
communicate their visions.

I-Statements vs. You-Statements
• You statements are accusatory in nature
and will automatically put the listening
party on the defensive.
– You forgot to take out the trash.
– You didn’t text me back last night.
– You are always interrupting me.

I-Statements vs. You-Statements
• I-statements focus on what you feel about
someone’s behavior and simply state a
problem, without blaming someone for it.
• This makes it easier for the other person
to help solve the problem, without having
to admit that they were wrong.

I-Statements vs. You-Statements
• I-messages usually contain four elements:
(1) How I feel about the behavior and
its effects
(2) A description of the behavior, what
actually happened
(3) The actual, concrete, tangible
effects of that behavior on you
(4) The behavior you would prefer

I-Statements vs. You-Statements
• Another way they can be expressed is like
this:
I feel _________________ (express your
feeling) when you _____________
(describe the action that affects you or
relates to the feeling) because
_______________ (explain how the action
affects you or relates to the feeling).

Rephrase with I-Message
• You forgot to take out the trash.
• You didn’t text me back last night.
• You are always interrupting me.
I feel (express your feeling) when you (describe the action that affects
you or relates to the feeling) because (explain how the action affects
you or relates to the feeling).

Leadership Connection
Why is effective
communication (listening
and speaking) a quality of
a good leader?

Listening Activity
• Get with a partner and sit with your back to each
other. Choose who will be A and who will be B.
• Partner A –draw simple stick figures on each piece of
paper. They can be different.
• Partner A –give instructions to Partner B on how to
replicate one of your drawings. ONLY Partner A can
speak.
• Partner B may now ask yes-no questions.
• Partner A and B may speak freely for the third
drawing.

1. Describe what it was like to be partner A or partner B. When you're part of a
different team, which person do you most frequently feel like - A or B? How
does this role work for you? What would you change?
2. Each time you attempted to accomplish the task, you needed to rely on
different communication skills. Explain what you dealt with as partners
during each of the different attempts.
3. What happens to relationships in a group when one person has more
information than others? How can members of a group deal with this type of
situation?
4. Can you think of some real-life situations where you were trying to solve a
problem but didn't have all the information you needed? What would have
changed in that situation if you had received more information or if others
had communicated more clearly with you while you tried to solve the
problem?
5. What happens when one person in your group has a specific goal in mind
but can't clearly communicate it to the group? How can your group improve
the way information is communicated to everyone involved?

In Class Assignment
• Read the two articles on listening and
leadership.
• Based on those two articles and our class
discussions, write a one page response to
the question: Why is effective
communication (listening and
speaking) a quality of a good leader?
be sure to include examples from the
articles to support your thesis.